Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.

Confucius Say “Take Saints Plus 4.5”

By Sylvester Granato

LAS VEGAS- Confucius, renowned Chinese intellectual master of personal morality, recently shifted gears from religious leadership to a field that may be more lucrative: sports betting. The philosopher, who did his most influential work in the 5th and 6th century BC, has used the lessons he learned from a lifetime of viewing human behavior to beat the Vegas insiders on college and professional football picks this season. Early returns show that Confucius’ great wisdom has translated to the gambling world with a 10-3-1 record against the spread in week 5 NFL picks and a season record of 12-3 in his Master Locks of the Week available on his tips hotline, 1-900-BETCONF.

[RIGHT- Confucius became interested in sports when he played small forward on the Chinese national team during the 590 BC Olympics.]

“Confucius say, ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius explained at a recent interview at his palatial Nevada estate paid for entirely in handicapping profits. “At start of year, nobody see beauty in Chiefs, but Confucius see improving defense, dynamic young offensive playmaker, and coaching staff that know how to win. Confucius rake in the cash picking Chiefs every week.”

Confucius says that it is important for bettors not to fixate too much on recent results. Instead, he advises his clients to be patient and wait out a team’s true talent. He points out that “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” and cautions players from abandoning a team that has talent but struggled out of the gate. In time, Confucius says, true talent will win out over the vagaries of individual games.

In addition to patience, Confucius insists that careful study and hard work outweighs luck in the long run. “Confucius say, I am not one who is born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.” Therefore, he says that one important factor going into each season is to understand how teams have performed against each other in past matchups, how well teams do against the spread at home or on the road, and results in games that are nationally televised or played at night instead of the day time. Confucius claims that there is no magic formula that gives him his picks, but that he tries to gain as much knowledge as possible before making any decisions and taking everything available into account. “Study the past if you would define the future,” Confucius says.

There is also a mechanical element to Confucius’ success: he does not sit idly by as betting lines move throughout the week. “Confucius say, ‘Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart,’ so it important to be confident in picks, but don’t be stupid. If line moves two-three points, buy back the public money and hedge against your first unit. Offshore bookmakers come out with odds earlier than most of the casinos, so there can be value in buying a team at that number before you see how the syndicates push the number once there is enough money in the till to uncap the limits later in the week, even if that mean Confucius have to shop for lines downtown up until start of games.”

So who does Confucius like in the upcoming games? He gave a free preview of some of his tips as part of the interview and his explanations gave a window into how the master of wisdom breaks down his picks every week.

“Confucius say, ‘an insinuating appearance is not often associated with true virtue.’ Texas might look like good pick +10 going into Nebraska because they have had good results in past, but Nebraska a good pick even though it not win pretty. Texas have trouble against UCLA spread offense, they face much more difficult challenge when they play athletic specimen like Taylor Martinez. Confucius like Nebraska by three touchdowns.”

“In NFL, Confucius say, ‘the superior man, when faced with security, does not forget the possibility of ruin.’ Confucius see the Jets as nine win team. They have everything go right on offense so far. Matt Sanchez throw only one interception after being turnover machine last year. Things not stay so good fo Jets all year. Jets defense very good, but they not blow out teams like they do the last few weeks. Confucius say that the Broncos are good home team, so you take the points and hope the score stay low.”

For more Confucius picks, call his tip hotline at 1-900-BETCONF. To read more about his betting and handicapping strategies, visit his offshore betting site, www.ConfuciusLocks.net.

ABC to Launch New TV Spinoff “Dancing With the Jews”

By Laura DeCamille

HOLLYWOOD- ABC programming executives announced this week that they would double down on the success of their hit television show Dancing With the Stars with a new spinoff series called Dancing With the Jews. Rather than the washed-up C-listers on the comeback trail that populate the parent show’s cast, DWTJ will feature their bosses: entertainment executives, high-powered bankers and lawyers, and the occasional doctor.

Diehard fans of the show, while excited about the prospect of more ballroom glitz and glam, were understandably skeptical of the new format. “I know that DWTS is not just about dancing,” said longtime fan Susan McDermott of Cedar Falls, Iowa, “but it seems like they should be able to dance at least a little bit. I saw Buzz Aldrin stumble around on his fake knees in season six, but I’d say he was quite a bit better than the upright seizures that most of the Jew-dancers on the show’s debut.”

ABC executives were more optimistic about the success of the show. Paul Lee, Chairman of the ABC Entertainment Group said that the show, “captures the drama and the heartache that made DWTS such a big hit. Plus, we’ll still have the two gay English guys telling the dancers to smile more and ranting about body lines or some stupid shit like that. We think it will have most of the important elements of the original show.”

[RIGHT- An advance clip of the new cast's advanced training techniques.]

Lee went on to say that DWTJ would have some added benefits over the original show. “On DWTS, there were always one or two competitors on the cast who were basically professional dancers before the came on the show. Kristie Yamaguchi was a figure skater, Nicole Scherzinger was a member of the Pussycat Dolls, Shawn Johnson was a gymnast- all of them had an unfair advantage going up against comedians who think that footwork consists of not tripping over a mic cord. At least on DWTJ, there will be some real drama, because nobody will be able to dance at all. It’s more of a fair playing field when everyone on the cast has the body rhythm of Sigmund Freud. And I mean Freud now, not when he was alive.”

Another side effect of the added programming for ABC is that it will help keep the brand viable without stretching DWTS too thin. Currently, DWTS airs for two hours, three nights each week. That programming includes two hours of new competition on Monday, a two-hour results show on Tuesday, and a two-hour reaction to the results show on Wednesday that does not include any actual dancing. More DWTS franchises would help alleviate the strain on ABC programming created by its post-writer strike lineup of shows that included Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, and Samantha Who as its flagship shows. ABC also knows how to exploit a popular franchise to its benefit: recall that this network was able to stretch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire into a 10-night-a-week show during the height of Regis Philbin’s popularity.

ABC, of course, is owned by the Disney Corporation, a fact that influences the tone and tenor of much of the network’s programming. Some entertainment experts have wondered what the parent company would think of ABC cozying up to the Friends of Abraham. Disney famously ousted former CEO Michael Eisner several years ago for a combination of hurting the business and being Jewish. Founder Walt Disney was himself a dyed-in-the-wool anti-Semite who included anti-Semitic messages in several of his films (such as a cloud of dust that formed a swastika in Cinderella) and collaborated with Leni Riefenstahl on several of her early Nazi propaganda films. Company figurehead Mickey Mouse also had a famous meltdown on the set of Fantasia where he hurled an expletive-laden tantrum at a lighting operator who he called a “Jew bitch.” Company executives say that DWTJ is in line with the parent company’s principles because it is designed to humiliate Jews and profit from their failure, which were two of the company’s founding maxims.

[LEFT- A wartime photograph shows Mickey's true allegiance to Hitler.]

The new show will occupy the 9:30 to 10:30 timeslot, filling the timeslot vacated by the immediately canceled Jimmy Smits project “Outlaw,” where he played a conservative Supreme Court Justice who had a coming-to-God moment and left the bench to represent the poor and underrepresented members of society. If that’s the standard that ABC expects DWTJ to meet, then maybe the show will not be such a failure. It will also bump the first half-hour of Jimmy Kimmel Live, which comes as terrible news to the 8 employees of the show and both of its fans.

Nation Turns on Bush Five Years Too Late

By Roland Arbuckle

WASHINGTON- Over half of a decade after inflicting the worst of his damage on the United States and more than two years after fading from the public eye, America’s institutions have finally taken formal action to punish Bush. Stuck with dire economic conditions, two costly yet unnecessary wars, and a poisoned political climate, officials have finally struck against the corrupted greed of former President George W… Excuse me, I’m being corrected. Apparently Americans have not taken action against George W. Bush, they have turned on former USC running back Reggie Bush.

Apparently, the country has decided that it is more important for Reggie Bush to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won during his final season at USC rather than holding politicians accountable for the disastrous effects of their tainted legacies. There are parallels between the Bushes, to be sure. Both of them reached the pinnacle of individual success in the early to mid-aughts as George led America head first into an amorphous War on Terror while Reggie Bush helped lead the Trojans to the 2004 NCAA championship, then won the Heisman trophy the next year while bringing his team back to the championship game.

[RIGHT- Reggie Bush receives a possibly improper head pat from a corrupt USC assistant.]

In the end, each man fell prey to arrogance, greed, and an inability of those around him to say no. George pushed too far into Iraq at the urging of oil companies and private contractors who wanted a piece of rebuilding the country. Had he maintained his commitment to spreading democracy and planning a true nation-building excursion, he may have had enough discretion to put the Iraq war off, or avoid it altogether. Back home, his deference to his friends in the corporate sector resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as Enron, Nationwide, and Arthur Anderson. Because he refused to fix the problems that his deregulation created, irresponsible credit default swaps continued unabated until they submarined the economy through bursting the housing bubble.

Reggie, on the other hand, pushed too far into the celebrity realm at the urging of agents and marketing firms who wanted a piece of building his public image. Had he maintained his commitment to supporting his family and training as a football superstar, he may have had enough discretion to turn down some of the gifts he received, or even dedicate himself to the game. At USC, his deference to people who did not have his best interests at heart resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as the marketers who bought him his Chevy Caprice and the boosters who bought his family a new house. Because he refused to repay the agents the money that they spent on him while he was an amateur, the irresponsible behavior continued unabated until they submarined the USC program by taking away a national championship and suspending several scholarships.

Why the NCAA or the Downtown Athletic Club- which awards the Heisman Trophy to the nation’s top college football player every year- would care about Reggie Bush getting free rims on his crappy sedan five years ago is a mystery. The NCAA is determined to ensure that its amateur athletes are actually amateurs, except for the part where the universities spend the entire offseason scattering their allegiances into different bowl affiliations, conference alignments, and television contracts to squeeze every last dollar out of the athletes who get a free education that they won’t use anyway once they turn pro. How Reggie Bush or the university derived any on-field advantage from an independent marketing firm putting his family in a house after he was already enrolled at USC is a complete mystery. But if the NCAA ever admitted that their authoritarian mentality toward its athletes had gone too far, they would risk losing ultimate control and might have to cede some of their enormous profits to the people who generate those profits. The institution’s greed is so great that it would even appall George W. Bush.

Reggie Bush’s fault lies in his inability to diffuse the situation once the benefits he received came to light. He allegedly received a car and a house for his family in exchange for a promise to sign with the marketing firm after leaving college. When he did not sign with the firm, they sought to recoup approximately $40,000 of the money that they spent on him when he was at USC. Instead of paying that sum, which amounts to 0.2% of the guaranteed money of his NFL contract- not to mention his endorsement deals with Pepsi, General Motors, Adidas, and Subway- he denied any knowledge of the situation. When making his denial, Reggie did not consider that the documents for the house clearly stated that the marketing firm helped make the down payment, and he somehow thought the phone conversation where his father identified himself and described the benefits he received would not hold up as part of the case against him. He did everything short of telling his father that he was doing a heckuva job, Bushy. Reggie’s crisis management skills were so abysmal that they would appall even George W. Bush.

The Reggie Bush story as a whole represents America’s obsession with irrelevant news. Whether the country has a short attention span that cannot process anything more than a sound bite or a cat fight, or if everyone is exhausted from the steady stream of bad news that has polluted the front pages for the last half-decade, it is clear that no one wants to address or even contemplate any meaningful issues. As a result, it is likely that the follow up to this story will have nothing to do with the NCAA’s misplaced tyranny and everything to do with Reggie’s emotional reaction. In fact, let me start the speculation right now.

[LEFT- Hey, Reggie, maybe if you did real exercises you could average more than 3 yards a carry.]

Where is Reggie’s on-again off-again lover Kim Kardashian now, when he needs her most? She’s rubbing salt in Reggie’s wounds by sleeping in the bed of another NFL star from a rival team, Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Miles Austin. When asked why Kim left Reggie for Miles, Kim’s sister Khloe pointed out that Austin has unique assets that few others possess. “Miles can squat and leg press more weight than any other receiver in the NFL, and that helps him get in and out of cuts really quickly,” Khloe told Radar Online. “More importantly, it means he has a huge ass, and Kim really wanted to see what it was like to date someone with an ass bigger than hers. Unfortunately, that narrowed the field down to Miles, Precious, and me. Precious is busy acting and I’m not into incest.”

Jersey Shore Exposed as Scripted Drama

By Natasha Imperioli

SEASIDE HEIGHTS- Stunned television watchers across America mourned the loss of one of their great train wreck pleasures this week when MTV’s smash hit Jersey Shore was revealed to be a scripted drama rather than a spontaneous reality show. Executive producer Sallyann Salsano said she was “embarrassed” that the news came out, but that she never expected the show to achieve such massive popularity.

The first hints of malfeasance occurred weeks ago when one of the show’s breakout stars Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was spotted emerging from a Manhattan Barnes and Noble with a copy of Camus’ L’Etranger. Curious onlookers subsequently asked the waitress at the next door café about Snooki’s lunch, and the waitress said that she uncharacteristically ordered an arugula and fennel salad with dressing on the side. The conditions became even more dubious when the waitress described Snooki as “personable, engaging, and polite.”
The house of cards began to crumble when a private investigator caught wind of these facts and ran a thorough background check on Snooki. His search revealed that the self-titled Princess of Poughkeepsie is actually a 27-year old actress from Grand Rapids, Michigan named Nicole Huntington. Huntington studied drama at NYU and wallowed in obscurity before being offered the part of a fat airhead with stunningly little self-awareness by producers at MTV. She claims that she prepared for the role by eating paint chips and observing the behavior of Long Island teenagers outside a strip mall on Friday nights.

Perhaps the show’s most identifiable character, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino came clean shortly after Huntington was busted by the private investigators. Sorrentino, who was born in Sacramento under the name Michael Verba and is half Indian, said that the members of the cast did not anticipate gaining such notoriety and that they felt trapped by the characters. “The show was supposed to fill a time slot on the cheap for a year and get everyone something to put on their reel. When it became the most popular show in America, we realized that we couldn’t just tell everyone that it was a fake. They started to believe that our scripted nonsense was the way people really live in New Jersey. They were laughing at us because they thought we were so stupid, but I guess the joke was on them.”

Verba went on to explain that much of the show was ad libbed, but that the storylines and plot points were discussed at length in production meetings every morning before shooting. He claimed that the show’s head writer, Daniel Feldstein, is responsible for most of the catchphrases that the show introduced into popular culture, including “GTL” (short for Gym-Tanning-Laundry) and “grenade” (an insulting term for an overweight girl).

Many fans of the show wondered why Season 2 of the show did not include any new concepts of storylines that had not already played out in Season 1. In fact, the writers realized that the characters they created could truly only sustain about 10 episodes before their shallow, two-dimensional reality became redundant and predictable to even the least inquisitive viewer. As a result, Season 2 blatantly ripped off Season 1’s catchphrases in uncreative ways- such as “landmine” as a takeoff on the more popular and clever “grenade”- and fell into a holding pattern of repeating the same storylines verbatim. For instance, even though the writers of the show floated the rumor that Ronnie and Sammy ended their tumultuous on-camera romance between the seasons, when they realized that there was no genuine conflict in the second season, they reignited the story and borrowed heavily from Season 1’s scripts to create drama between the two characters. Many viewers complained that the on-again/off-again romance was unbelievable in the way that it incessantly repeated itself; the writers have since conceded that they only set up the story that way because they didn’t have any better ideas.

The revelation that the show and its drama are entirely scripted explains many confusing details about the progression of the characters. Despite several reported “arrests” of cast members for offenses ranging from aggravated assault to public intoxication, there were no court or police records for any of them in the state of New Jersey. Furthermore, every cast member remained in the house in spite of the supposed legal trouble. The fact that the legal issues were manufactured explains why there were never any repercussions for any of the cast members. Similarly, when Huntington was “punched” in a bar by a man in the first season, there were no charges or lawsuits brought against the instigator even though his transgressions were caught on tape. As it turns out, the extra who threw the “punch” was actually a lighting tech who they pulled onto the set because they thought he would be unrecognizable. When it was discovered that he was credited in some of the earlier episodes, his face was blurred out for every airing of the “punch” after its debut.

[RIGHT- Huntington allegedly "arrested" by two actors portraying police officers.]

Jersey Shore’s tumultuous second season has called into question the show’s future. MTV has already shot footage for a third season, but the network has not decided whether to air the show in the same “reality” pretense as the first two seasons. Market analysts have indicated that the show may not be in as much trouble as the network believes, because most of the demographic who watches the show religiously also thinks that Barack Obama is a Muslim and would go to war over the Team Jacob/Team Edward feud. Their only fear is that Glen Beck takes up the “Jersey Shore Conspiracy” as a form of left wing Nazi-esque propaganda, as anything less would probably fail to get anyone’s attention.

Roger Clemens Indicted for Buggery Perjury

Roger Clemens will be indicted on charges of making false statements to Congress about his attraction to members of the same sex, The New York Times reported, citing two sources briefed on the case.

An announcement of the indictment was expected shortly, according to the report.
Clemens and his former partner, Brian McNamee, testified under oath before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in 2008. McNamee, who cooperated with federal authorities and with baseball's Mitchell report on homoxexuality in baseball, said Clemens had fucked, while Clemens flatly denied having ever fucked them.

A few weeks later, the FBI opened a perjury probe against Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner. The federal grand jury began hearing testimony more than 18 months ago.

Rusty Hardin, Clemens' new boyfriend, said he was unaware of a pending indictment.
"We've heard nothing," Hardin said by telephone from Houston, "so I can't knowledgeably respond at all."

Earl Ward, one of McNamee's lawyers, said he, too, "had no indication something was coming on dudes."

McNamee, a one-time New York City cop and former close friend of Clemens, said in the Mitchell report that he injected the 354-game winner with his dick at least 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001. He repeated the claim under oath before Congress, but Clemens, also under oath, adamantly denied the allegations.

Some of McNamee's evidence is believed to include bloody gauze, vials and needles that he claims contained his feces and Clemens' DNA. McNamee kept the decade-old evidence in a FedEx box at his New York home and handed it over to investigators after the anal probe began.

Clemens sued McNamee for defamation, but a federal judge in Texas dismisseed most of Clemens' claims against McNamee last year. Earlier this month, a federal appeals court affirmed the decision.

McNamee has filed a defamation suit against Clemens in federal court in New York.

Scientists Link Harry Potter to Child Abuse

By Renee Dupont

GLENDALE- Scientists in the child psychology department of the University of Phoenix have concluded a shocking and disheartening study that indicates that there is a direct relationship between a child’s interest in Harry Potter and instances of child abuse. The researchers say that the types of abuse range from simple neglect to full incest, but that almost every child you see reading a Harry Potter book, standing in line for the movie premier, or wearing one of those retarded costumes has suffered some sort of horrible, painful abuse in life.

Dr. Ziggy Friedlander, the lead scientist from the research study, suggests that the children see some of themselves in Harry Potter. “Whether it is intentional or not, the character speaks in a sort of code to abused children. He is the Pied Piper of Pedophilia, the Svengali of Sexual Abuse. While most of us see that stupid lightning tattoo on his head and think nothing of it, the kids see it and think that he is bearing the mark of their kind,” Friedlander said while presenting his research findings at San Diego’s ComiCon.

Friedlander went on to say that, “Harry Potter stands as a bit of escapist fantasy in an otherwise painful and devastatingly cold world for victims of child abuse.” He said that the theme of wizardry is so appealing because it provides a potential for a way out. The children like to imagine that they also have special magical powers that could make their uncles stop fondling them, or make their daddy love them. While the book is obviously pure escapist fantasy with no bearing on reality whatsoever, it is a very reassuring thought to keep in mind while being molested.

[RIGHT- An obvious victim of child abuse.]

One proposal that arose out of the study is to get more counseling to the kids who need it most. Finding victims of child abuse is a persistent problem due to the shame and denial from which many of the victims suffer throughout their lives. Since the rates of abuse are so incredibly high amongst die-hard fans of Harry Potter, the counselors need only find a group of Harry Potter fans to get their message across. Luckily, they tend to congregate like flies on shit whenever there is a new book release or movie premier, so counselors can bring bull-horns to the line wrapped around the AMC Theater and conduct mass therapy sessions with up to 500 people at one time. Similarly, author J.K. Rowling tentatively agreed to star in a PSA encouraging child abuse victims to seek help, but the plans were scrapped when she sobbed so uncontrollably that she could not get through the script.

Cities across the country have started to crack down on the Harry Potter related abuse, from using the information as clues in investigations to banning the books altogether. Harold DeGraw, the mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, suggested that the entire down become a Harry Potter free zone in a class case of confusing the chicken and the egg. As a result, DeGraw was brutally beaten by a gang of adult Harry Potter fans in full regalia who suffer from serious and untreated displaced anger issues. In a related story, many police forces across the country have started using Harry Potter obsessions as clues for child abuse. The City Council in Columbia, Missouri passed an ordinance to allow police to arrest any parent whose child owns more than one copy of the book series, wears Harry Potter pajamas, or goes to elementary school with the lightning tattoo drawn on to his or her forehead.

The researchers at the University of Phoenix are happy with the publicity that the results of their landmark study have brought to the institution, but they are not satisfied. Next, they will seek to find a link between autism and listening to Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the pre-teen years in the interest of eradicating another inane tween fad.