WikiLeaks Appears to be Making Shit Up

By Clarke Pierceson

SYDNEY- It looks as if WikiLeaks has gone the way of Wikipedia. The online news organization that has come to prominence over the last two years by exposing worldwide government secrets has allegedly run out of leaked government documents and has started to make up its own news.

The organization's founder, eccentric Australian Julian Assange, cited the mounting pressure to maintain the high level of salaciousness as WikiLeaks’s motivation for generating its own state secrets. “I heard recently that I was leading the polling for the 2010 Time Person of the Year going into November, so I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people who loved reading about the seedy underbelly of various world powers,” Assange told reporters at a press conference Monday. “The simple truth is that there are only so many secrets out there. Personally, I thought there were a lot more conspiracies to uncover, but it turns out that governments aren’t smart enough to engineer very many conspiracies.”

[BELOW- Maybe the reason nobody likes Julian Assange is that he looks like Beck, Powder, and Liam Neeson look like they had a mangled, threesome, ass fetus.]

WikiLeaks first got the world’s attention in 2009 when it revealed a chain of emails between climate researchers that cast doubt on the data used by many advocates to reform energy policy. The site heightened its profile in 2010 by releasing Iraq and Afghanistan War Logs from troops on the ground, and more recently by releasing proof that the U.S. State Department used espionage at the United Nations to learn about diplomats working for other countries. WikiLeaks decided it needed to sensationalize its stories to close out 2010 strong because the revelation that an African dictator has his own harem or that Bolivia’s economy is being propped up by the drug industry are not shocking or sexy enough to get anyone’s interest.

Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.

Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.

Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.

One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.

Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.

If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.

Privacy: So Hot Right Now

After a decade of dormancy, privacy is back with a vengeance. Thanks to airport body scanners and Americans’ rampant homophobia and negative body images, people value civil liberties once again. Ten years ago, anyone who suggested that privacy was an important concern that should be weighed against security was pilloried and run up the flagpole for being un-American, possibly even French. Now, people who voted for Orwellian Republicans a week ago who think that 1984 is a good starting point for security policy are trumpeting the importance of freedom from intrusion into one’s personal space.

First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?

And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.

Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.

Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor!

[RIGHT- The FAA is now able to correctly segregate the fats from the people who are bundled up. Wait, is that a toy gun? Cool!]

The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:

First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.

If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.

An Open Letter to Zach Galifianakis

Dear Zach,

Your career has really taken off in the last couple of years. It seemed like you were always the comedian that the hipster comedy guy told everyone else they should be into, but who nobody really knew much about. Sure, you had a couple of Comedy Central specials and you would do spots on the radio every now and then, but I think we can agree that you had not reached the heights that you thought you could reach if you got the right breaks. Now that everything has gone right for you, there’s only one way for your career and your legacy to go: down. That’s why I think it is high time for you to kill yourself.

I understand that it sounds harsh to suggest that you should commit suicide at the absolute zenith of your career. But you know what they say- you have to strike when the iron is hot. What good is it going to do to die when you reach the bloated, uncreative point in your career? No, now is the time to develop a drug problem, start being seen in public with hookers, and choke to death on your own vomit in a New York hotel room before your next movie reaches DVD.

There are only a few ways for a comedian’s career to develop, and it’s just not going to get any better for you. The first career path is the McDonald’s comedian- the type of comedian who isn’t actually funny, but is so omnipresent and inoffensive that he falls ass backwards into a successful career. Think of a guy like Jeff Foxworthy. He doesn’t have a talented or creative bone in his body, but he got his own network sitcom, tours the country to sold out theaters, and has so much money that he probably shits on a gold-plated toilet. Dane Cook is another example of a McDonald’s comedian. He tells simple jokes that would be funny to a toddler and require no thought by the listener. He has a specific audience of teenagers and college-aged dimwits. None of his own material is remotely funny, but he’s absurdly rich. The trick is to being a McDonald’s comedian is that you have to be so simple and gimmicky that you can be described in a few words. It goes beyond comedians; there are McDonald’s TV shows, music, and movies, too. Think about it, McDonald’s- “fast food hamburgers.” Jeff Foxworthy- “redneck.” Two and a Half Men- “Womanizer, nerd, and kid.” Katy Perry- “Whore.” Avatar- “bright colors and aliens.” Dane Cook- “retarded.” You, Zach, are already too talented and funny to be a McDonald’s comedian, so don’t worry about falling into that category.

No, Zach, you have two options. One is to continue on the path you are already on until you make a few shitty movies and your fans think that you sold out. It won’t even be your fault when you sell out and make shitty movies, so even though you think you’ll be able to avoid it, you will not. Remember how funny Eddie Murphy was when he was on SNL in the ‘80s? He was cutting edge and making classic movies like 48 HRS and Beverly Hills Cop. The highlight of the last decade for Eddie was playing the voice of a donkey in a cartoon fairytale- the best thing. The lowlights include copious fart jokes spanning several hacky remakes of Jerry Lewis crap. And it’s not just Eddie. Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, and Denis Leary have all gone from breaking ground to broken down. They don’t choose to stop being funny. Part of the problem is that they have kids and they spend their days entertaining their kids instead of entertaining their friends. Kids think slime, farts, and weird faces are funny, so they start making movies based on slime, farts, and weird faces. They also have so much money in the bank that their bad ideas still get made, and there is no problem when they do. When you’re 20 and have no money, telling bad jokes means you don’t get to eat. When you’re 40 and rich, telling bad jokes means that you’re still fucking rich.
Is that the road you want to go down, Zach? I can already see how it will play out. You made The Hangover and it was wildly funny. It will always be remembered as wildly funny. Remember, people still love Beverly Hills Cop, The Jerk, and Wayne’s World regardless of how far the stars have fallen. Your new movie, Due Date, will probably also do well, but it will be a little bit redundant and derivative and your hardcore fans will start to turn on you. When Hangover 2 comes out and you’re getting points on the back end, people will start to point out that you haven’t come up with anything new in a few years, and you will start to get pissed off at them and blame them for being overcritical rather than actually developing new material. By that time, you will probably be married to a secretary from your agent’s firm with fake tits and she will be crapping out your first couple of kids. From there, you will have starring roles in a couple of flops before doing the voice of the Mexican monkey in Shrek 9: Shrek Gets Blown By Dora the Explorer.

[RIGHT- Even though these guys were no angels, we love them more in death than we did in life.]

Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.

On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.

Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.

I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.

Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.

With Love,

Your Fans