BP declares War on Oil Spill in last ditch effort to convince public they care

By Hector Chacin

GULF OF MEXICO-After enduring weeks of bad press and environmental degradation, BP has decided to ramp up its public relations campaign in response to the massive oil spill it caused in the Gulf of Mexico. BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward told reporters Wednesday that BP had declared its official campaign as the “War on the Oil Spill” in order to persuade a skeptical public that they are doing everything possible to staunch the cataclysmic effect of the spill. Hayward went on to note- for the benefits of its stockholders- that none of BP’s practices would change; he promised that they would continue spending as little money as possible on precautionary measures while engaging in extremely risky drilling practices, but that they would also put much more effort into making it sound like they care.

BP decided to use the PR technique of declaring War on the Oil Spill because it captures the imagination. According to Hayward, “People really like to hear violent military terminology when discussing mundane annoyances. We talk about annihilating sports teams, using the nuclear option in political campaigns, and even exterminating insects, so why not have a war on an oil spill?” Hayward went on to point out that the picture basically paints itself, since the environmentally toxic cleaning agent is named Top Kill and people already fear the oil because it is black.

[RIGHT- BP ships try to clean up some water in the middle of their beautiful Gulf of Oil.]

BP’s War on the Oil Spill is the most recent in a long line of Wars waged largely for PR purposes. In the 1960s, President Johnson declared a War on Poverty. Fifty years later, the income disparity in America has grown exponentially, but the upper class no longer feels bad about exploiting the poor. In the 1980s, President Reagan and his wife, Nancy, declared a War on Drugs in order to imprison black drug dealers so the white drug dealers would have easier access to the best turf. Noted social scientist Tupac Shakur questioned the motives of the War on Drugs, speculating that the government really launched the war so the police could bother him. Most recently, President Bush declared a War on Terror, which was initially marginally successful, but became sidetracked when the Saw movies were released and terrified everyone who saw them.

In addition to Hayward, BP’s officials have hurried to turn America against the oil spill in hopes that people will feel extremely proud of BP when the oil well runs dry and BP claims that it has successfully stopped the spill. In an official press release earlier today, BP described the oil as “a dangerous threat to the American way of life,” that wants to keep citizens from driving their cars or enjoying a day at the beach. They continued to say that, “Just to be clear, nothing is actually changing. If you are still reading this press release, we trust that you are smart enough to buy our stock. We know that 90% of the public will just read the headline and move on, so they will be comforted and pacified. But between you and me, we are not going to spend on dime on this cleanup effort.”

In reality, the oil spill is not so much a “spill” as it is an overpowering jet of oil that is exploding into the ocean. Scientists have said that BP has “spilled” oil in the same way that fire hoses “spilled” water on civil rights protesters in the 1960s. In fact, so much oil has been released into the ocean that economists have estimated that BP has lost over $5 billion. Additional, scientists say that the total amount of oil exceeds the Exxon Valdez spill off the coast of Alaska, which means that at least 270,000 barrels have spilled. Why we still measure the oil in barrels when it has spilled throughout the ocean is beyond me. Are the barrels going to siphon it out of the water? Does BP plan on putting it back into barrels at some point? That seems unlikely. In any case, with a possible $4,300 civil penalty for each barrel, the total losses to BP could total well over $6 billion, a cost so steep that Hayward has already volunteered to cut his vacation on his private island short by a week to save on servant costs.

Critics of the BP on the left have complained that the War on the Oil Spill isn’t about oil at all, but that BP has a hidden agenda to provide democracy and stability to the citizens of Iraq. Furthermore, some of argued that BP’s approach to stop the flow of the oil into the ocean is the same mistaken application of supply-side economics that doomed the War on Drugs. They argue that the water is to blame for allowing itself to be corrupted, and as long as the water is seeking out oil to be contaminated with, they will find a way to get it. Instead of trying to stop the water, they say, BP should be investing in rehabilitation for the water, as well as job programs and halfway ponds to re-acclimate the water to a normal environment.

Troublesome as the oil spill has been for all parties involved, there is at least one group that can breathe a sigh of relief. After engaging in a contentious election, the nation of Great Britain is extremely grateful that BP dropped the moniker British Petroleum when it expanded into the US market, as they are sure that Americans would find some way to blame them for it if there name was anywhere to be seen.

Don’t worry South Korea, you have done everything you could do

By Dr. Timothy P. Hannum

SEOUL- North Korea made waves this week when they sunk a South Korean battleship in international waters off of the countries’ mutual coast. Pyongyang subsequently became enraged when their southern neighbors formally accused them of the act and threatened retaliatory sanctions. Today, North Korea cut off all diplomatic relations with Seoul in protest of the sanctions. Furthermore, North Korea has promised to expel all South Korean diplomats after this most recent flare-up between the two feuding sibling countries.

To me, North Korea sinking the South Korean battleship was yet another in a long line of calls for help by the isolated country. As an expert in depression and anxiety, I see cases like this one all the time. It is not abnormal for a country to be dealing with difficult identity issues such as this, but make no mistake, the economy isn’t the only thing in North Korea that is depressed.

Think about it- North Korea has a long history of destructive and attention-getting behavior, and it’s not the type of diplomacy that one would expect from an emotionally stable nation. In addition to sinking South Korea’s ship just to get attention, North Korea also cut off ties with one of their closest relatives and became even more isolated than usual. That type of withdrawn behavior is evidence of deep emotional scarring, and may require years of therapy to rectify.

I don’t need to tell you that the pain of being cut off from your loved ones is great, but it pales in comparison to the damage done by some of the more physically destructive tendencies that severely depressed nations can sometimes experience. As many of you know, one manifestation of severe depression can be the tendency to starve oneself. North Korea has had an ongoing battle with such starvation over the years, from the widespread famine of the late 1990s, to the refusal of food aid from Western countries starting in 2002, to the World Food Program’s proclamation of “imminent danger” of famine conditions in recent years. Clearly, North Korea is suffering from some serious body image issues.

[LEFT- No, go south. You're not welcome here.]

Even though I have not had the opportunity to examine North Korea personally, the symptoms speak volumes about the country’s psychological condition. It has repeatedly shown itself to be ill-tempered, delusional, paranoid, and withdrawn. At times, it has shown hints of a messiah complex, which could be evidence of borderline personality disorder. These are issues that normal diplomacy could not begin to address.

If I was giving advice to South Korea, it would be to not blame yourself. There was nothing more that you could do. You provided a safe, nurturing environment for North Korea, but North Korea had problems that did not allow it to engage in that type of positive relationship. North Korea clearly needs professional help. Even though your efforts did not fix North Korea, you did what you could, and even though your actions caused pain to North Korea and yourself, they may have saved North Korea in the long run by encouraging it to get the help that it needs.

What I need you to do now, South Korea, is to be careful with North Korea, because it’s in one of the most delicate situations it has ever been in. North Korea is a bundle of emotions right now, and even though it has hurt you a lot in the last week, you need to remember that this is the sickness talking; North Korea doesn’t actually hate you, it doesn’t really want to blow up your battle ships, and it doesn’t want you out of its life forever, but now is not the time to seek retribution or try to get even for the destruction that it has caused. Instead, be thankful for what you have. In the half century since you and North Korea became independent, you have had the best economic growth density in the world, and you have the second highest math literacy rate in the world. That’s a lot to be proud of, and it proves that you are worthy of being loved, even if it’s by a short guy with a napoleon complex and some issues with gender roles.

Another thing you can do for me is to write North Korea a letter explaining all of the hurtful things that it has done to you. North Korea may not realize how much pain it has caused over the years because it has been so absorbed in its own problems. But if you sit down with North Korea and explain the ways in which it has hurt you, that will force North Korea to confront all of those problems directly.

Through counseling and the proper psychopharmacological regimen, I believe that North Korea can lead a healthy, productive life as a member of the global community. North Korea is going to have to take a long look in the mirror, set achievable goals, work through problems in a systematic and comprehensive way, and learn about the relationship between its behaviors and their consequences for itself and others. Through a deep and honest investigation of North Korea’s problems, we can get it to a place where it has a better sense of self-worth and can more fully enjoy its important relationships with the most important countries around it.

Dr. Timothy P. Hannum is a psychiatrist specializing in depression/anxiety and substance abuse issues. He is the author of the best selling self-help book Help You Help Me Help You, as well as the recently released follow-up Intervention on a Pension: Drug Abuse in the Silver Years. He can be reached on Twitter @DocRehab. His reality show, International Rehab All-Stars airs Tuesdays at 8 ET/5 PT on TruTV. Contact your local cable company for details.

Floyd Landis relents, agrees with rest of world that cycling is overrun with steroids

By Oliver Willent

SONOMA- Floyd Landis, the disgraced 2006 winner of the Tour de France, admitted Wednesday that his career has been a sham, smothered in lies, and tinged with a demi-glace of fraudulence. Landis was stripped of the Tour championship months after his victorious cruise down the Champs-Élysées due to a test that revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. After years of denials, lengthy courtroom battles, a vehement memoir, and countless puerile tantrums, Landis finally changed his tune and acknowledged that he used performance enhancing drugs throughout his ascent to the top of the cycling world.

Specifically, Landis, who looks like a grown up version of Dennis the Menace, admitted that he used Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, the blood-doping agent EPO, and female hormones to mask the other drugs in drug tests. When asked how he would describe this cocktail of performance enhancers, former baseball MVP and noted juicehead Jose Canseco responded, “Breakfast.” Canseco went on to say that Landis was off to a good start, he knew some people who could really help the cycler take his game to the next level. Although it immediately sounded as though Canseco was referring to upping the dosage on Landis’ drug regimen, it turned out that he was referring to their mutual interest in being campy, D-List celebrity attention whores.

[RIGHT- Landis the Menace sips on a glass of testosterone-rich llama piss.]

Landis initially gained notoriety when he raced several stages of the Tour de France with a broken collarbone sustained in a crash, and closed in on the lead by scaling the tallest mountain on the course with no teammates around him off of whom he could draft. In retrospect, this scene probably should have been the equivalent of a positive steroid test, but the World Anti-Doping Agency remains steadfast with its policy that only a positive test, an obviously larger skull, or a refusal to take a test for unclear religious reasons even though the refusal would jeopardize a $40 million payday in a prizefight with Floyd Mayweather would be definitive proof of PED use.

In addition to his own admission, Landis pointed a hairy, acne-covered finger at some of his teammates and competitors in United States cycling. Specifically, Landis indicated that cycling legend Lance Armstrong, as well as George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer used blood doping and testosterone boosting techniques to beat the competition. Landis went on to explain that Hincapie and Leipheimer are real people, not cartoonish detectives from an 80s buddy cop movie who get called in to replace the protagonists when they anger the chief by stepping over the line one too many times, as they’re goony names would indicate.

The least startling of Landis’ allegations was the accusation that Lance Armstrong is also a steroid user. Armstrong, for those of you who have been deluding yourself with Nike’s ad campaign, was a mediocre cyclist who was diagnosed with testicular cancer, was weakened near death through treatment, and returned to dominate a sport in which everyone uses steroids. Yet Landis argued the unthinkable- that Armstrong also used steroids in his quest to pedal even faster. Landis gave examples of times that he and Armstrong discussed different masking agents to cover up the presence of elevated testosterone levels in drug tests, and said that he and other cyclists stored bags full of oxygen-enriched blood in a refrigerator in Armstrong’s Spanish apartment. The latter accusation is easily explained by the fact that Armstrong survives by drinking the oxygen-enriched blood of others, but the former is a new revelation to add to the ledger of questionable activity. First, he tested positive for a steroidal agent after the 1999 Tour, but produced a note from his personal physician which allowed him to compete while on the steroid legally. Since that time, there have been numerous reports of PED paraphernalia and accusations by trainers and confidants, none of which has dampened Armstrong’s popularity, at least in the eyes of Matthew McConaughey.

[LEFT- Armstrong shows off that it's not just a clever name after removing the yellow jersey.]

In response, Armstrong denied the allegations and insisted that Landis should not be trusted. "It's his word versus ours ... we like our word, we like our credibility," Armstrong told reporters before starting Thursday’s leg of the Tour of California. Many observers found it interesting that Armstrong would invoke the mantle of credibility after effusively praising his wife and crediting her for his return from testicular cancer then leaving her for Sheryl Crowe when he became famous, then subsequently breaking up with Crowe when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nonetheless, Armstrong remains an American hero; a self-absorbed, lying, cheating American hero with a Messiah complex- sort of like Barry Bonds, but white.

Although he was unavailable for comment, God weighed in on the situation during Thursday’s stage of the aforementioned Tour of California race when Armstrong inexplicably crashed his bike, leaving him unable to complete the race.

How To Train Your Dragon: 1-D

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Traumatic Brain Injuries- Get Over It

By Dr. Andrew Burnett- Orlando Magic Team Physician

ORLANDO- Brain injuries have come to the forefront of the discussion of sports medicine in recent years due to several high-profile cases. Critics have speculated that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, recently accused of his second act of sexual impropriety in as many years, may have suffered brain impairment from multiple concussions. Furthermore, former professional wrestler and Harvard graduate Christopher Nowinski has publicized the problem of brain injuries in pro wrestling and other combat sports. As a physician with an extensive background in sports medicine, I would like to weigh in on the debate, and my prescription is this: stop being such pussies.

The list of symptoms for traumatic brain injuries is allegedly extremely long. In addition to blurred vision, migraine headaches, difficulty focusing and prolonged dizziness, brain trauma can cause Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE). CTE supposedly prematurely ages the human brain while causing an inability to control impulses and is often accompanied by retrograde amnesia. This is where the opponents of chronic brain injuries get into trouble, because retrograde amnesia is super cool. You get to meet new people every day, and you constantly get to have new adventures like the guy in Memento.

[RIGHT- Owen Schmitt knows a thing or two about head injuries, and you dont' hear him whining about "protection" and "recovery time."]

Some people have said that Ben Roethlisberger was suffering from CTE when he allegedly assaulted a 20 year-old coed in the bathroom of a seedy Georgia bar last month. Roethlisberger’s defenders say that his constant lapses in judgment can be traced back to the fact that he has suffered multiple severe concussions on the football field. On the other hand, it also seems possible that he may not have the best judgment because nobody has told him he can’t do something since he was 15. Being a star quarterback from a young age has a shockingly stunting effect on social development, which may be why Roethlisberger’s main pickup line is unzipping his pants and slapping would-be mates with his flaccid penis. And while we’re on the subject, isn’t there a little chicken-egg situation here? Do football players act stupid because they have been hit in the head too many times, or is it a stupid type of person who chooses to make his living by cracking his skull against another idiot’s skull?

Chris Benoit is another supposed CTE sufferer. For those of you who have forgotten, Benoit was a famous professional wrestler who skipped a live event to stay home with his family and murder them. Shortly after, he was found dead, hanging from a lat pull-down machine in his garage. Some people blamed roid rage, some blamed a cocktail of painkillers and alcohol, and the medical community seemed united behind the idea that his brain injuries stunted his judgment. The medical examiner in the case said that Benoit’s brain resembled an 85 year-old brain with Alzheimer’s disease and traced the injury directly to his death. I have a problem with this line of analysis, because I can’t think of a single 85 year-old who has committed a double-murder suicide, let alone an 85 year-old with Alzheimer’s. Moreover, the medical examiner is overlooking a simpler explanation for Benoit’s brain injuries besides getting hit in the head with a steel chair thousands of times- we have heard for decades about Dominican baseball players with forged birth certificates. Well, Benoit is from Canada, who is to say that he wasn’t actually an 85 year-old with Alzheimer’s?

[LEFT- Phinneas Gage became a medical celebrity after surviving impalement on a railroad spike, and you mean to tell me that Trent Green can't play a game of football?]

In addition to the medical perspective, I wanted to be able to relay to you some of the input on the subject from the experts in the field. Therefore, I went to revered football coach and analyst John Madden for his take on the subject. Unfortunately, Madden’s response was complete gibberish. Nonetheless, I believe that I can paraphrase to you what Madden meant to say about head injuries- back in his day, players wore leather helmets, and getting knocked out just showed that you were emotionally weak. As such, players who suffered concussions were encouraged to rub some dirt on it and get back on the field to crack more skulls.

Another sport that gets a lot of attention for brain injuries is boxing. Muhammad Ali, the greatest boxer of all time and a famous ambassador for the sport, suffers from Parkinson’s disease which has rendered the once verbose pugilist functionally mute. Many naysayers have attributed his dementia to being punched in the head for decades, but has anyone considered that he just ran out of things to say? Ali talked so much during his career that it seems eminently plausible to me that he just doesn’t have anything left to add.

When it comes down to it, the entire hullabaloo about brain injuries sounds to me like unsubstantiated noise. It sounds good to say that we are worried about the health of professional athletes, but brains are really no more important than ACL’s or Achilles tendons, and nobody is whining about protecting those body parts. Such preference for one organ over another is blatant organism in my book, and I don’t stand for any ism. In the end, we all know that an athlete’s head could be lopped off on the field of play and everyone would keep shelling out money to see pro sports, so all of these brain trauma alarmists might as well stop being the turds in the punch bowl.