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By Tamara Winfield
MILWAUKEE- In response to what they see as an increasingly anti-drinking attitude in the federal government, alcoholics from across America gathered in Milwaukee this weekend to exchange ideas, organize resistance, and get completely wasted. Conference organizers have deemed the Long Island Tea Party a success, at least as far as they can remember, but big chunks of the weekend are pretty hazy for most participants.
The Long Island Tea Party was organized in response to the alleged encroachment on drinkers’ rights nationwide. Party officials point out that the Blood Alcohol Level for DUI arrests has dropped over the last few decades, “sin taxes” on alcohol have demonized their behavior, and that television shows like Sober House and Dr. Drew’s Celebrity rehab have contributed to negative cultural stereotypes that they call “drunkism.” Long Island Tea Partiers have aimed their vitriol especially in the direction of President Barack Obama, who they say is trying to take away their chosen lifestyle. “Look, everybody knew that Clinton would be a great guy to drink with, and that Bush was an alcoholic who had to pretend that he stopped drinking to get elected,” said drunk participant Frank McClung, “but Obama is trying to take our beer. I heard he likes to work out six days a we
ek. Does that sound like a friend to the drinking man? Sounds like a soberist to me.”
MILWAUKEE- In response to what they see as an increasingly anti-drinking attitude in the federal government, alcoholics from across America gathered in Milwaukee this weekend to exchange ideas, organize resistance, and get completely wasted. Conference organizers have deemed the Long Island Tea Party a success, at least as far as they can remember, but big chunks of the weekend are pretty hazy for most participants.
The Long Island Tea Party was organized in response to the alleged encroachment on drinkers’ rights nationwide. Party officials point out that the Blood Alcohol Level for DUI arrests has dropped over the last few decades, “sin taxes” on alcohol have demonized their behavior, and that television shows like Sober House and Dr. Drew’s Celebrity rehab have contributed to negative cultural stereotypes that they call “drunkism.” Long Island Tea Partiers have aimed their vitriol especially in the direction of President Barack Obama, who they say is trying to take away their chosen lifestyle. “Look, everybody knew that Clinton would be a great guy to drink with, and that Bush was an alcoholic who had to pretend that he stopped drinking to get elected,” said drunk participant Frank McClung, “but Obama is trying to take our beer. I heard he likes to work out six days a we
ek. Does that sound like a friend to the drinking man? Sounds like a soberist to me.” [LEFT- A Long Island Tea Partier who just wanted to make it snow.]
Among the most important elements of the Long Island Tea Party was the establishment of an official Party Agenda. Over the course of the weekend, the Party agreed to several resolutions and targeted specific laws that they seek to reverse. For instance, the Party unanimously agreed not to mix dark liquors, and codified the long accepted maxim of “beer before liquor makes you sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” On the other hand, a split caucus was unable to reach a resolution on drinking in the morning- one faction sought to limit these drinks to mimosas and Bloody Marys, except in special circumstances, another faction wanted to add beer to the morning drinks, while a third group sought to deregulate morning drinking altogether. In the end, the Party was unable to reach a consensus.
The Party also singled out a few federal and state laws to lobby against. They cited the lower rates of drunk driving and liver disease in northern Europe as a reason to abolish the minimum drinking age, or at least lower it to age 14. They also unanimously spoke out against laws banning the off-sale of alcohol on Sundays, and the ban of Everclear in certain states. Finally, the Party agreed that the Oklahoma’s near-beer laws- which limit the alcohol content in beer sold in the state- are “an affront to the liberties and freedoms upon which this great nation was founded.”
Social scientists who covered the event discovered that the Long Island Tea Party is a group as diverse as the population at large. Members of all races attended the event, although it was hard to identify many of the Asian-Americans as such since their skin turned bright red when they drank- luckily, they were easily identifiable by their startlingly bad karaoke performances. Men and women were roughly equally distributed, as well as people of all education levels. The only unifying characteristic was that none of the participants seemed to be able to hold a steady job.
The weekend conference followed a busy schedule. Participants arrived on Friday to an open bar and a free concert by a Jimmy Buffet cover band. They used the opening ceremony to dedicate the weekend to the late Senator Ted Kennedy through several, increasingly incoherent toasts to his legacy. Saturday was supposed to kick off with a 9 A.M. motivational breakfast with Joe Namath, but only three out of the 2,500 conference attendees showed up, and one of them had to leave immediately to throw up. Namath was also nowhere to be found. Saturday evening was highlighted by keynote speaker David Hasselhoff’s speech, “Scotch, Irish or Rye: An Idiot’s Guide to Whiskey,” and the announcement of the prestigious Ernest Hemingway Lifetime Achievement Award. Robert Downey Jr. took home this year’s award for drinking a decade of his life away and still managing to maintain an acting career and playing charact
ers who drink heavily, such as Tony Stark in the Ironman franchise. Sunday’s festivities included only a farewell address by Kathie Lee Gifford before the conference wrapped up at 2 P.M. so as to allow everyone to watch that afternoon’s coverage of the NASCAR race from the Texas Motor Speedway.
Among the most important elements of the Long Island Tea Party was the establishment of an official Party Agenda. Over the course of the weekend, the Party agreed to several resolutions and targeted specific laws that they seek to reverse. For instance, the Party unanimously agreed not to mix dark liquors, and codified the long accepted maxim of “beer before liquor makes you sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” On the other hand, a split caucus was unable to reach a resolution on drinking in the morning- one faction sought to limit these drinks to mimosas and Bloody Marys, except in special circumstances, another faction wanted to add beer to the morning drinks, while a third group sought to deregulate morning drinking altogether. In the end, the Party was unable to reach a consensus.
The Party also singled out a few federal and state laws to lobby against. They cited the lower rates of drunk driving and liver disease in northern Europe as a reason to abolish the minimum drinking age, or at least lower it to age 14. They also unanimously spoke out against laws banning the off-sale of alcohol on Sundays, and the ban of Everclear in certain states. Finally, the Party agreed that the Oklahoma’s near-beer laws- which limit the alcohol content in beer sold in the state- are “an affront to the liberties and freedoms upon which this great nation was founded.”
Social scientists who covered the event discovered that the Long Island Tea Party is a group as diverse as the population at large. Members of all races attended the event, although it was hard to identify many of the Asian-Americans as such since their skin turned bright red when they drank- luckily, they were easily identifiable by their startlingly bad karaoke performances. Men and women were roughly equally distributed, as well as people of all education levels. The only unifying characteristic was that none of the participants seemed to be able to hold a steady job.
The weekend conference followed a busy schedule. Participants arrived on Friday to an open bar and a free concert by a Jimmy Buffet cover band. They used the opening ceremony to dedicate the weekend to the late Senator Ted Kennedy through several, increasingly incoherent toasts to his legacy. Saturday was supposed to kick off with a 9 A.M. motivational breakfast with Joe Namath, but only three out of the 2,500 conference attendees showed up, and one of them had to leave immediately to throw up. Namath was also nowhere to be found. Saturday evening was highlighted by keynote speaker David Hasselhoff’s speech, “Scotch, Irish or Rye: An Idiot’s Guide to Whiskey,” and the announcement of the prestigious Ernest Hemingway Lifetime Achievement Award. Robert Downey Jr. took home this year’s award for drinking a decade of his life away and still managing to maintain an acting career and playing charact
ers who drink heavily, such as Tony Stark in the Ironman franchise. Sunday’s festivities included only a farewell address by Kathie Lee Gifford before the conference wrapped up at 2 P.M. so as to allow everyone to watch that afternoon’s coverage of the NASCAR race from the Texas Motor Speedway. [RIGHT- The death of Senator Ted Kennedy was a unifying but tragic event for the Long Island Tea Partiers.]
The hosts of the event vowed that they would never house another Long Island Tea Party, as nearly every hotel room was left a complete disaster. One room was said to have no furniture in it whatsoever, and an adjacent room had the remnants of a campfire and the bones of several pigeons. Additionally, the bathrooms attached to the conference room had six of their eight toilets backed up with vomit, and many participants had clearly decided to pee in the sinks in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.
The Long Island Tea Party agreed to convene once again next year. Preliminary agenda items include reducing the gap between the beer wing of the party and the liquor wing of the party, determining which types of beer can acceptably include fruit slices, and deciding once and for all when salt is appropriate for a margarita.
The hosts of the event vowed that they would never house another Long Island Tea Party, as nearly every hotel room was left a complete disaster. One room was said to have no furniture in it whatsoever, and an adjacent room had the remnants of a campfire and the bones of several pigeons. Additionally, the bathrooms attached to the conference room had six of their eight toilets backed up with vomit, and many participants had clearly decided to pee in the sinks in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.
The Long Island Tea Party agreed to convene once again next year. Preliminary agenda items include reducing the gap between the beer wing of the party and the liquor wing of the party, determining which types of beer can acceptably include fruit slices, and deciding once and for all when salt is appropriate for a margarita.
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