Is Anyone Else Amazed That Russia Doesn’t Have a Death Penalty?

By George Stephanopoulos, ABC News

WASHINGTON- A recent surge in terrorist activity in Russia has brought the nation’s issues with Chechan rebels back to the forefront of international dialogue. The tragedies have highlighted Russia’s spotty human rights record in the post-Soviet era. Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama have walked a tightrope with their Russian counterparts in order to preserve friendly relations with the former U.S. adversary while also ramping up pressure to improve treatment toward ethnic minorities within the country. Perhaps the most startling revelation of the past few weeks was the announcement that Russian President Demitriy Medvedev opposes the country’s 14 year old moratorium on the death penalty, but will continue to enforce it out of deference to the international community.

Some may be surprised at Medvedev’s respect for international law that was routinely trampled by the Americans in the Bush era. Others may be surprised at the President’s exercise of power given the fact that he is commonly seen as a figurehead for former President Vladimir Putin, who is widely presumed to wield most of the power in the country. Not me. I’m still hung up on the fact that Russia doesn’t have a death penalty. Really? I thought those guys were totally barbaric and would love to kill political dissidents in really archaic and cruel ways.

Seriously- this is the country that gave us the gulags, a bloody revolution that ended in assassinated rulers, and a decades-long arms race that resulted in millions of people starving just so they wouldn’t have to look weak to the West. Russians are known for enduring great pain and suffering, for being ruggedly individualistic, for heavy drinking, and for aggressively violent tendencies. To me, that personality screams out “Texas.” And who loves the death penalty more than anyone else in America? That’s right, the Texans! Both populations even rely on oil money to support huge disparities in wealth within their borders. Sure, Texas has money and Russia doesn’t, but it seems to me that widespread poverty would lead to more executions, not fewer.


[RIGHT- Make no mistake, Russia knows all there is to know about death.]

So how the hell did Russia end up without a death penalty? Supposedly they signed the European Convention on Civil Rights in 1996, and part of that document was an agreement to institute a moratorium on the death penalty. You’re telling me that Europe is collectively imposing its will on Russia through non-coercive force? I call bullshit. Apparently you’ve never heard of a little thing called the Napoleonic Wars. I mean, a half century ago there was a world war brewing between one country that had nuclear weapons and one that didn’t have nuclear weapons, and half of Europe joined the country that DIDN’T have nuclear weapons out of sheer terror. If Russia tried to execute someone, or even if they wanted to repeal the moratorium entirely, nobody is going to stand up to them. It would be a race to see who could concede more quickly. My money is on France; those guys love to surrender. They would give in faster than the Pope will cover up the next child molestation allegation against a bishop.

Even though the personality of the country does not offer any clues as to why Russia doesn’t have a death penalty, the timing of the moratorium might offer some hints. See, in 1996 Boris Yeltsin was still the President of Russia, and if Boris Yeltsin was anything, he was a huge drunk. Really, you could get a second-hand buzz off of that guy just by smelling his vodka-tinged sweat through the armpits of his ratty suit coats. Thus, it is eminently possible that Yeltsin was drunk when he signed the treaty, like that story about how the Yankees and Red Sox agreed to trade Joe Dimaggio for Ted Williams, but changed their minds when they sobered up the next morning, only Yeltsin never sobered up.

I have my own theory, though, and I call it the “White Fang” theory. In White Fang, Grey Beaver (no relation to former California Governor Gray Davis, or to fictional-pornstar-that-I-just-made-up Beatrix Beaver) had this badass dog named White Fang, but some guy named Beauty Smith- I know, super gay name- gave Grey Beaver whiskey until he was addicted and traded the dog for a bottle of whiskey, thus setting the stage for centuries of relations between European immigrants in North America and the indigenous populations. See, I think that the Europeans were worried about Russia killing a bunch of dissidents, and in their tricky, whiny, sniveling liberal way of doing business, they started giving Yeltsin free booze. After awhile, they started making him pay for the booze, and he quickly ran out of money. Then, they said that the only way he could have more booze was if he banned the death penalty, so like anybody who has seen Sober House with Dr. Drew knows, he immediately signed off to get his next fix.

However the policy came to be, I have seen enough James Bond movies to know that the Russians operate an extensive and shady underground world. It is extremely possible, even probable that the Russians contract out their executions to the Russian mafia that made its money through extreme cronyism of doling out the national industries after the fall of communism. Is it so far-fetched that these captains of industry that perform what used to be government functions such as drilling for oil and collecting garbage have also taken on the former public business of killing political adversaries and criminals? I think not. In fact, after seeing the Viggo Mortensen documentary “Eastern Promises,” I would be surprised if the Russian mafia didn’t take advantage of that tremendous money-making opportunity, even if they had to do so buckass naked. If they will take money from anyone and are willing to kill to earn that money, they might as well take money from the government to kill as well.


I guess that scenario makes the most sense, and it puts my mind at ease, because it was really bothering me to think that Russia- bastion of cold-blooded killing and human rights violations-would do something so humanitarian and equitable. But if they’re really just shifting the responsibility to private individuals, turning a blind eye, and enriching the former ruling class, it seems very typical of the Russian system. Glad we got that sorted out.