7-11’s Game Day is a Game Changer

By Zack Stefanski

SPOKANE- Last week, 7-11 launched a new brand of low-cost beer named Game Day to compete with Budweiser and Miller on the budget beer market. As a life-long lover of beer and 7-11, I knew that I had to try Game Day as soon as possible. Luckily for me, 7-11 decided to start selling the beer in a limited release in Washington and Oregon- it’s like they were begging me to try it! If 7-11 could do for beer what they had already done for taquitos and slurpees, I knew that Game Day was going to be one of the greatest products to come onto the market since the camouflage hat.

Game Day beer takes after Natural beer’s well established model for success in that it is available in two types- Game Day Light and Game Day Ice. Game Day Light has 40 fewer calories, but also has less alcohol (5.5% to 3.9%), so it’s really a question of whether you want to feel drunk and full quickly, or drunk and less full slightly less quickly. Either way, I figured I couldn’t lose.

For my official taste test of Game Day beer, I decided to pick up a case on the way home from work on Friday. Imagine my excitement when I noticed that Game Day Light wasn’t just competitive with Bud, Miller, and Coors, but was actually even cheaper at $6.99 for a twelve pack- I think I paid more for Pepsi products until I switched over to Shasta last year. I opted for Game Day Light due to its beautiful can design. It has everything you would want in a beer can: it holds beer and has an American flag design on it, right down to a red, white, and blue logo with stars above and below the name. I know it must be hard to try to establish a new brand of beer, but if 7-11 wasn’t going to get you with the great price, then they’ll get you with their artistic mastery on the can. I reached into the cooler to grab a case, awkwardly lifted the grate because the case did not quite fit in the cooler, knocked a 24 ounce can of Heineken off of the rack above, and left it on the floor spitting out beer and foam all over the floor because it’s not my fault that these idiots can design a god damn cooler.

[RIGHT- After helping me check out, the friendly cashier, Jonah Finestien, returned to his game of Bubble-Bobble on the TV behind him.]

From there, I excitedly walked to the front of the store, only to confront the age-old 7-11 dilemma of standing 4th in line behind a pissed off guy waiting for cigarettes, a guy with a mullet who apparently does all of his grocery shopping in the snack aisle with his 19 items, and a morbidly obese woman in a tube top who is arguing with the non-English speaking cashier about which day old hot dog she wants while trying to get the right lotto numbers from her friend who is on an inexplicably loud speaker phone. My spirits sank. I wasn’t going to be able to try Game Day Light for at least 30 minutes! How would I wait out this line? Was it time to make a mad dash for the door? While I was trying to decide whether the fat woman would look less revolting if the tube top was covering her saggy boobs or her gelatinous muffintop and stretch marks, fate intervened. Just in the nick of time, two West Indian bros in the parking lot started yelling at each other and threatening to throw down. Apparently, one of them dripped some testosterone on the other one’s new sneakers. Whatever the cause, everyone ran out of line except me and the guy waiting for cigarettes, and I was out of there in two minutes flat.

As soon as I got home, I fired up my propane grill to char up some delicious Johnsonville brats. I plugged my iPod into my speakers to blare some Bruce Springsteen, and I took my work pants off without bothering to replace them. Finally, it was Game Day Time. I cracked open the first can, and took a long, gulping chug. Sips are for pussies.

Before I tell you about the taste, I feel like I should give some context about the types of beer I love to drink. I know that there are beer snobs out there who like to tell you how their beer tastes like a hay bale or a pile of dirt, but I’m not one of them. I’m the kind of guy who will settle for nothing less than the purity of a Bud Light or a Miller Lite when I go to the bar, because I care about how my beer tastes. As far as I’m concerned, hops belong on a basketball court, and a malt comes in two flavors: chocolate and vanilla. When I’m at home, I’m a little less picky, as I love the taste of Miller High Life in a clear glass bottle. I don’t know what it is about a clear bottle that makes the beer taste better, but you really can’t beat living the high life. And even though I know that some people don’t like the always delicious Keystone Light, 10,000 empty cans on the front yard of the frat house I walked by last week can’t be wrong.

I tell you all of this because I don’t want you to think that I am some Johnny-come-lately to the beer drinking game. I have been buying 40s of Mickey’s, St. Ives, and Olde English since I was 14 and had to bribe homeless guys to go into the store to get them for me. With that thought in mind, let me tell you that Game Day Light is one of the smoothest beers I have ever tasted. It has the drinkability of Bud Light, the less fillingability of Miller Lite, and the refreshing aftertaste of Busch Light. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but I shit you not. I don’t know where 7-11 found so many East African immigrant employees who knew about brewing, but they certainly got it right on the first try. The best thing that I can say about Game Day Light is that it goes down like water, but it gets you drunk.

As I mentioned earlier, I chose to pair my Game Day Light with some Johnsonville brats. It was a good pairing, but due to its overwhelming smoothness, it may have paired even better with something a little more substantial, like a cheddarwurst. So far, my favorite snack to eat with Game Day Light has been a tossup between Jack Link’s Teriyaki Beef Steak Nuggets and Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch chips. I have heard rumors that drinking a Game Day Light while eating a KFC Double Down can compel a state of euphoric nirvana that lasts throughout the meal, but I am afraid that if I start down that road, I may abandon my friends and family like that one time I got addicted to meth.

So what else can we expect from 7-11? I don’t have any inside information, but if you ask me, they should get in on the ground floor of some other popular products. For example, weed isn’t legal yet, but it seems like a lot of states are going to start allowing medicinal marijuana, or might just legalize it altogether. 7-11 already sells nachos, 64 ounce sodas, rolling papers, lighters, and routinely turns a blind eye to blatantly antisocial behavior, so I say they should start selling weed. And while we’re at it, about half of the 7-11’s I’ve ever been to have had hookers outside, so why not make something of it? Like my mom always says, when life gives you hookers, make hooker-aide. Bring them in from the cold, protect them from the dangers of the streets, and let 7-11 keep a cut of the profits. It all seems very natural to me. I even read that 7-11s in the Netherlands already sell weed and hookers, and they’re making a killing.

Even if 7-11 chooses not to branch out into hookers and weed, they are clearly on the right path so far. I loved 7-11 before, but after trying Game Day Light, my appreciation for their convenience became overpowering adoration for everything that they represent. Six stars out of five.

Nation’s Alcoholics Organize Long Island Tea Party

By Tamara Winfield

MILWAUKEE- In response to what they see as an increasingly anti-drinking attitude in the federal government, alcoholics from across America gathered in Milwaukee this weekend to exchange ideas, organize resistance, and get completely wasted. Conference organizers have deemed the Long Island Tea Party a success, at least as far as they can remember, but big chunks of the weekend are pretty hazy for most participants.

The Long Island Tea Party was organized in response to the alleged encroachment on drinkers’ rights nationwide. Party officials point out that the Blood Alcohol Level for DUI arrests has dropped over the last few decades, “sin taxes” on alcohol have demonized their behavior, and that television shows like Sober House and Dr. Drew’s Celebrity rehab have contributed to negative cultural stereotypes that they call “drunkism.” Long Island Tea Partiers have aimed their vitriol especially in the direction of President Barack Obama, who they say is trying to take away their chosen lifestyle. “Look, everybody knew that Clinton would be a great guy to drink with, and that Bush was an alcoholic who had to pretend that he stopped drinking to get elected,” said drunk participant Frank McClung, “but Obama is trying to take our beer. I heard he likes to work out six days a week. Does that sound like a friend to the drinking man? Sounds like a soberist to me.”

[LEFT- A Long Island Tea Partier who just wanted to make it snow.]

Among the most important elements of the Long Island Tea Party was the establishment of an official Party Agenda. Over the course of the weekend, the Party agreed to several resolutions and targeted specific laws that they seek to reverse. For instance, the Party unanimously agreed not to mix dark liquors, and codified the long accepted maxim of “beer before liquor makes you sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” On the other hand, a split caucus was unable to reach a resolution on drinking in the morning- one faction sought to limit these drinks to mimosas and Bloody Marys, except in special circumstances, another faction wanted to add beer to the morning drinks, while a third group sought to deregulate morning drinking altogether. In the end, the Party was unable to reach a consensus.

The Party also singled out a few federal and state laws to lobby against. They cited the lower rates of drunk driving and liver disease in northern Europe as a reason to abolish the minimum drinking age, or at least lower it to age 14. They also unanimously spoke out against laws banning the off-sale of alcohol on Sundays, and the ban of Everclear in certain states. Finally, the Party agreed that the Oklahoma’s near-beer laws- which limit the alcohol content in beer sold in the state- are “an affront to the liberties and freedoms upon which this great nation was founded.”

Social scientists who covered the event discovered that the Long Island Tea Party is a group as diverse as the population at large. Members of all races attended the event, although it was hard to identify many of the Asian-Americans as such since their skin turned bright red when they drank- luckily, they were easily identifiable by their startlingly bad karaoke performances. Men and women were roughly equally distributed, as well as people of all education levels. The only unifying characteristic was that none of the participants seemed to be able to hold a steady job.

The weekend conference followed a busy schedule. Participants arrived on Friday to an open bar and a free concert by a Jimmy Buffet cover band. They used the opening ceremony to dedicate the weekend to the late Senator Ted Kennedy through several, increasingly incoherent toasts to his legacy. Saturday was supposed to kick off with a 9 A.M. motivational breakfast with Joe Namath, but only three out of the 2,500 conference attendees showed up, and one of them had to leave immediately to throw up. Namath was also nowhere to be found. Saturday evening was highlighted by keynote speaker David Hasselhoff’s speech, “Scotch, Irish or Rye: An Idiot’s Guide to Whiskey,” and the announcement of the prestigious Ernest Hemingway Lifetime Achievement Award. Robert Downey Jr. took home this year’s award for drinking a decade of his life away and still managing to maintain an acting career and playing characters who drink heavily, such as Tony Stark in the Ironman franchise. Sunday’s festivities included only a farewell address by Kathie Lee Gifford before the conference wrapped up at 2 P.M. so as to allow everyone to watch that afternoon’s coverage of the NASCAR race from the Texas Motor Speedway.

[RIGHT- The death of Senator Ted Kennedy was a unifying but tragic event for the Long Island Tea Partiers.]

The hosts of the event vowed that they would never house another Long Island Tea Party, as nearly every hotel room was left a complete disaster. One room was said to have no furniture in it whatsoever, and an adjacent room had the remnants of a campfire and the bones of several pigeons. Additionally, the bathrooms attached to the conference room had six of their eight toilets backed up with vomit, and many participants had clearly decided to pee in the sinks in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.

The Long Island Tea Party agreed to convene once again next year. Preliminary agenda items include reducing the gap between the beer wing of the party and the liquor wing of the party, determining which types of beer can acceptably include fruit slices, and deciding once and for all when salt is appropriate for a margarita.

Is Anyone Else Amazed That Russia Doesn’t Have a Death Penalty?

By George Stephanopoulos, ABC News

WASHINGTON- A recent surge in terrorist activity in Russia has brought the nation’s issues with Chechan rebels back to the forefront of international dialogue. The tragedies have highlighted Russia’s spotty human rights record in the post-Soviet era. Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama have walked a tightrope with their Russian counterparts in order to preserve friendly relations with the former U.S. adversary while also ramping up pressure to improve treatment toward ethnic minorities within the country. Perhaps the most startling revelation of the past few weeks was the announcement that Russian President Demitriy Medvedev opposes the country’s 14 year old moratorium on the death penalty, but will continue to enforce it out of deference to the international community.

Some may be surprised at Medvedev’s respect for international law that was routinely trampled by the Americans in the Bush era. Others may be surprised at the President’s exercise of power given the fact that he is commonly seen as a figurehead for former President Vladimir Putin, who is widely presumed to wield most of the power in the country. Not me. I’m still hung up on the fact that Russia doesn’t have a death penalty. Really? I thought those guys were totally barbaric and would love to kill political dissidents in really archaic and cruel ways.

Seriously- this is the country that gave us the gulags, a bloody revolution that ended in assassinated rulers, and a decades-long arms race that resulted in millions of people starving just so they wouldn’t have to look weak to the West. Russians are known for enduring great pain and suffering, for being ruggedly individualistic, for heavy drinking, and for aggressively violent tendencies. To me, that personality screams out “Texas.” And who loves the death penalty more than anyone else in America? That’s right, the Texans! Both populations even rely on oil money to support huge disparities in wealth within their borders. Sure, Texas has money and Russia doesn’t, but it seems to me that widespread poverty would lead to more executions, not fewer.


[RIGHT- Make no mistake, Russia knows all there is to know about death.]

So how the hell did Russia end up without a death penalty? Supposedly they signed the European Convention on Civil Rights in 1996, and part of that document was an agreement to institute a moratorium on the death penalty. You’re telling me that Europe is collectively imposing its will on Russia through non-coercive force? I call bullshit. Apparently you’ve never heard of a little thing called the Napoleonic Wars. I mean, a half century ago there was a world war brewing between one country that had nuclear weapons and one that didn’t have nuclear weapons, and half of Europe joined the country that DIDN’T have nuclear weapons out of sheer terror. If Russia tried to execute someone, or even if they wanted to repeal the moratorium entirely, nobody is going to stand up to them. It would be a race to see who could concede more quickly. My money is on France; those guys love to surrender. They would give in faster than the Pope will cover up the next child molestation allegation against a bishop.

Even though the personality of the country does not offer any clues as to why Russia doesn’t have a death penalty, the timing of the moratorium might offer some hints. See, in 1996 Boris Yeltsin was still the President of Russia, and if Boris Yeltsin was anything, he was a huge drunk. Really, you could get a second-hand buzz off of that guy just by smelling his vodka-tinged sweat through the armpits of his ratty suit coats. Thus, it is eminently possible that Yeltsin was drunk when he signed the treaty, like that story about how the Yankees and Red Sox agreed to trade Joe Dimaggio for Ted Williams, but changed their minds when they sobered up the next morning, only Yeltsin never sobered up.

I have my own theory, though, and I call it the “White Fang” theory. In White Fang, Grey Beaver (no relation to former California Governor Gray Davis, or to fictional-pornstar-that-I-just-made-up Beatrix Beaver) had this badass dog named White Fang, but some guy named Beauty Smith- I know, super gay name- gave Grey Beaver whiskey until he was addicted and traded the dog for a bottle of whiskey, thus setting the stage for centuries of relations between European immigrants in North America and the indigenous populations. See, I think that the Europeans were worried about Russia killing a bunch of dissidents, and in their tricky, whiny, sniveling liberal way of doing business, they started giving Yeltsin free booze. After awhile, they started making him pay for the booze, and he quickly ran out of money. Then, they said that the only way he could have more booze was if he banned the death penalty, so like anybody who has seen Sober House with Dr. Drew knows, he immediately signed off to get his next fix.

However the policy came to be, I have seen enough James Bond movies to know that the Russians operate an extensive and shady underground world. It is extremely possible, even probable that the Russians contract out their executions to the Russian mafia that made its money through extreme cronyism of doling out the national industries after the fall of communism. Is it so far-fetched that these captains of industry that perform what used to be government functions such as drilling for oil and collecting garbage have also taken on the former public business of killing political adversaries and criminals? I think not. In fact, after seeing the Viggo Mortensen documentary “Eastern Promises,” I would be surprised if the Russian mafia didn’t take advantage of that tremendous money-making opportunity, even if they had to do so buckass naked. If they will take money from anyone and are willing to kill to earn that money, they might as well take money from the government to kill as well.


I guess that scenario makes the most sense, and it puts my mind at ease, because it was really bothering me to think that Russia- bastion of cold-blooded killing and human rights violations-would do something so humanitarian and equitable. But if they’re really just shifting the responsibility to private individuals, turning a blind eye, and enriching the former ruling class, it seems very typical of the Russian system. Glad we got that sorted out.