Obama seeks new, “blacker” image

By Nicolas D. Brennan, Staff Writer

CHOCOLATE CITY- President Barack Obama, caught amidst sliding approval ratings and a divisive health care debate, has decided to sharpen his public image by reemphasizing his roots. Rather than allowing his opponents to deny his American citizenship or paint him as an indecisive leader, Obama has opted to America’s old white population, including the vast majority of the Senate, into submission. To do so, Obama has hired a new team of advisors, highlighted by new speechwriters Dong King and Chuck D.

President Obama said that the main goal behind his repackaged image was to get in touch with his roots in order to be as honest and transparent as possible with the American public. Obama was careful to clarify that by “roots,” he did not mean his roots in rural Kansas where his grandparents lived, his roots in Hawaii where he was born, his roots in an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia where he received his elementary education, or his roots in Kenya where his late father’s side of the family still resides. Instead, Obama was careful to clarify that he wanted to get in touch with a set of roots that he never personally experienced, but which “scare the shit out of white folk.”

Besides the political expediency of Obama’s mission, he claims that he had grown out of touch with the black community since reaching office. “I got a white guy cutting my hair, I meet with white guys all day, and even the Secret Service agents who play basketball are white, and they give me every call,” the President lamented. “Hell, I’m sneaking out of bed every night at 2 A.M. to talk to the night chef because he’s the only brother in the White House. We go out back and smoke cigarettes, drink some malt liquor, and I can finally hear about Starbury and Michael Jackson since I’m not allowed to talk about those things during the day.” Obama went on to say that he was still taking bids on the space, but it looked as if Popeye’s was going to beat out KFC to be the first fast food franchise inside the White House.

[RIGHT- Album cover for Obama's critically acclaimed followup to "The Audicity of Hope," "Black iz Bu-T-Ful," produced by Timaland.]

Obama’s image repackaging project started when he hired a new team of speechwriters led by Don King and Chuck D. At an introductory press conference, the former boxing promoter and media mogul explained the endeavor. “Obama has already unequivocally proven himself to be a majestic and awe inspiring personage on the tapestry of the American mind, body, and soul. The inclusion of two magnificent wordsmiths with a truly inspiration gift for communicating with all Americans, black, or white, or red, or blue, brown or yellow will elevate the occasion to stupefying heights. We will speak to the people, but also by the people and for the people in the public eye and the public mind. Obama will not lead us into the valley of darkness but onto the mountaintop of the brightest shining beacon of light. His beneficence will appall the enemies of…” At that point, Mr. King was forcibly removed from the podium in what could only be described as a mercy killing.

The transition has not proceeded without its bumps in the road. Obama himself had to edit a speech written by Mr. D, pointing out to the rap mogul that a nation of millions actually could hold us back in Afghanistan. Additionally, Obama reserved the power to veto Mr. D’s appointment of Flava Flav as the official White House hype man when Mr. Flav repeatedly interrupted Obama’s healthcare speech with screams of “Bloop boop, oop boop oop! Yea Boyeee!”

Obama’s new style was on display when he talked to reporters about the economy, particularly when he referred to the bank crisis as “neo-plantationistic” and called his own fed chief Ben Bernanke the “white devil.” In the past, Obama had faced criticism for shying away from discussions of race. Then, after Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested in what many called an act of unwarranted racial profiling, Obama’s condemnation caused a firestorm in the media. Now, Obama vows that his stance on race will never be ambiguous, and that “the man” is going to have to learn to cope with his fear of a black planet.

Other rumored appointments to the new-look administration include Press Secretary Katt Williams, drug czar Marion Berry, Secretary of the Interior George Clinton, and Secretary of Defense Richard Roundtree. Joe Biden will remain in his post as Vice-President.

How Afghanistan can find a good man- President material

By Dr. Jennifer Pyle, Presidential Relationship Counselor

There’s no denying it, Afghanistan: good men are hard to find these days. And getting one to commit to being president of your anarchic hellhole, ugh, you’d have a better chance of staying on your New Year’s diet through February! But that’s what I’m here for. See, I help countries that are having trouble finding and keeping a good president look inside themselves to discover what it is they really want.

Now, I understand that things have been tough lately, Afghanistan. The Taliban is sending suicide bombers into your cities, all your neighboring countries seem to be finding good men to take care of them as their presidents, and your election process has been repeatedly disrupted by sectarian violence. You must feel like you’re doing something wrong, but I’m here to tell you that all you can do is be the best Afghanistan you can be, and you’ll find the right man sooner than you think! Instead of playing the “blame game,” let’s focus on a more constructive approach to finding a man.

[RIGHT- Your presidency is not a game, Afghanistan.]

-Accept that you are worthy of being loved. When you’re down in the dumps, all you can see are your own flaws. But where you see an arid wasteland of a countryside populated only by opium-farming warlords, others may see an oasis of economic opportunity. They key is finding the right man who loves you for being you. If he doesn’t love you, then maybe he was meant to be president of Bhutan or Mongolia, but there’s no reason to lower yourself to electing a man who doesn’t appreciate the beauty that is Afghanistan.

-Be a good communicator. While we may see a man as afraid of presidential commitment, you have to look at things from his perspective, too. He may look at the presidency as a death trap with no possibility of success, much like a bad marriage. In the end, you’re better off being honest with your guy: tell him about the warring religious factions at the outset so he doesn’t feel that you’re withholding information from him. Show him that you’re on good terms with your exes, even if they’re living in mountain caves and alienated from the world community. If your guy is afraid of the commitment that comes with being president of Afghanistan, it’s better to find out about it now than to commit to a serious relationship and have him try to embezzle millions of dollars from the national treasury and seek refuge in Pakistan at the first hint of an assassination attempt.

-Let your friends and family know you’re “on the market.” When you inform everyone around you that you are available, the presidential candidate will be pre-screened- your allies will set you up with guys who they think would be a good match for you. Getting your friends’ input at the start will help the selection process and separate the duds from real presidential material. For instance, try dropping some hints to the NATO-led security force which will begin deploying next week to quash the Taliban-led counter-insurgency in the Uruzgan province. I hear that NATO has some really successful friends who would be a great match for a crippled relic of Cold War conflict like yourself.

-Get involved in the community. If you’re a religious person, be active in your church. That way, you’ll constantly be interacting with people who share a similar value structure. Who knows? Maybe that cute radical Islamic cleric down at the Mosque has more political aspirations than he’s letting on. Also, volunteering at a political campaign is a great way to meet responsible, like-minded guys who might turn out to be worthy candidates. Plus, being open to new experiences will help you grow as a country; you’ll get in touch with yourself as a country while looking for a president.

-Don’t get hung up on old flames. Anybody who you might end up with is going to have to eventually deal with the 600 pound gorilla in the room. But honestly, there’s no point in allowing your past relationship with Osama Bin Laden get in the way of having a new relationship with a better man. Believe me, Afghanistan, there are many more fish in the sea. I know exactly what you’re going through: lots of countries with bad leaders in their past feel inadequate and keep waiting for someone to tell them what to do and make them feel special like the old leader did. Look at Russia, she was one of the most powerful countries in the world under Stalin, but she could never accept a leader who was good to her. Sure, Boris Yeltsin had some problems with his drinking, but he loved her, and she kicked him to the curb to start another abusive relationship with Vladimir Putin. As sexy as Putin may be, he wants to control Russia, and that’s not a healthy relationship. Even though Osama never consummated his relationship with you and became president, you can still learn a valuable lesson from that fling: you can’t spend your life waiting for some superstar to come out of hiding to lead you. You have to be proactive and find the president who is right for you, and believe me, girlfriend, Osama is not the one.

If there’s one thing I can tell you, Afghanistan, it’s that you should be confident in yourself going into next week’s elections. Sure, haters are going to say that the Taliban will kill whoever you elect and that corrupt warlords will prevent any relationship from working like it should, but you have to shake those haters off! The only way that Afghanistan can be happy is by accepting itself and finding a man who will love it, care for it, and commit to it in presidency.

Michael Vick moves one step closer to becoming Tony Dungy’s surrogate son

By Darryl DeCinnes

PHILADELPHIA- After Tony Dungy’s son James committed suicide in 2005, the Super Bowl winning head coach had a bit of an identity crisis. Dungy lived his life as a dedicated husband, father, and Christian, and to have a tragedy that reflected so poorly on his public image hurt him personally, and had the potential to hurt him even more in the public eye. Thus, it’s no surprise that Dungy jumped at the opportunity to become a mentor to disgraced dog fighting champion and erstwhile NFL quarterback Michael Vick during his reclamation to freedom and football.

Four years ago, James Dungy’s girlfriend found the coach’s son after he committed “suicide” by “hanging” himself after friends reported that he was “depressed” following a weekend of partying with David Carradine, Michael Hutchens from INXS, and Chris Kattan. Dungy, who always valued his family greatly, was worried that the public would perceive him as a phony and a charlatan after his son’s suicide. After all, a child’s suicide is the third worst reflection on a parent, ranking directly behind gay and community college. With Vick’s reformation underway, the public once again perceives Dungy as a benevolent humanitarian rather than an absentee parent who spent 20 hours a day during his child’s formative years telling steroid users where to stand.

[RIGHT- Dungy explains to reporters how much Michael smells like his late son, James.]

The adjustment will be difficult for Vick, as well, who know faces the burden of maintaining a high level of person conduct without the daily supervision, regimen, and daily ass-raping to which he had become so accustomed. Vick must also get into shape to withstand the rigors of the NFL season after his workout routine for the last year consisted wholly of bench presses and commando ball for six hours each day, not to mention his diet of bologna sandwiches. Will he be able to face the pressures of being the backup quarterback for a team whose fans booed Santa Claus and cheered Michael Irvin’s potentially paralyzing neck injury? Considering that he is being shepherded by Dungy and Eagles coach Andy Reid, it’s a near certainty that Vick will follow the path of each man’s oldest son and become addicted to pain killers.

The developing relationship between Vick and Reid will be interesting to observe. Reid, a devout Mormon and family man himself, has had similar problems with his sons. Although they have yet to kill themselves or others, they have exhibited some of the most obnoxious spoiled rich kid behavior imaginable. It is not clear whether Reid’s strand of Mormonism embraces the Amish principle of letting children sow their wild oats before choosing a life of piety, but it is certain that he will have extra time for parenting duties while his son serves jail time for trying to bring illegal drugs into a courthouse where he was to undergo a drug test. Seriously. In any case, it is not hard to imagine Dungy and Reid becoming embroiled in a bizarre custody battle where the two failed parents can see who can screw up the already vulnerable Vick faster.

[LEFT- Reid, who may secretly want to eat Vick.]

Why the recently retired Dungy would want to take on the stress of tutoring the troubled Vick is a topic of much discussion among observers. When asked by a reporter recently why he chose to reach out to Vick, Dungy said, “He’s like the son I always wanted, but never had. Actually, I did have him, but then he killed himself, so he’s more like the son I always wanted, and did have, but then killed himself, but now I have again, if that makes sense.” Others have speculated that Vick was attractive to Dungy as a reclamation project in need of a father figure, but also as an icon in the black community, which was never quite sure if Dungy was part black, or just a really ethnic Greek or Italian.

Some members of Dungy’s inner circle have expressed confusion and apprehension about the former coach’s dedication to the incarcerated superstar. They say that Dungy coincidentally watched the movie Faceoff on TNT several months ago. Ever since then, he has been obsessed with recreating James’ personality and appearance to create the perfect son. Guests to the Dungy house witnessed him angrily insist that that 220 pound Vick sit in an infant’s high chair at dinner, then spank the quarterback when he said he did not need to have his diaper changed. Particularly disturbing was Dungy’s recent suggestion to Vick- that a truly fresh start would have to include a fresh appearance, after which he brought Vick to a plastic surgeon for a consultation.

What Dungy may have forgotten is that everybody knows that facial transplants lead to demon spawn trying to murder their creator. In scientific circles, it is known as the Godsend corollary, named after the Robert DeNiro, Rebecca Romijn documentary on the same topic. Without a doubt, if Dungy successfully convinces Vick to have plastic surgery to give him James Dungy’s face, his experiences with dog fighting will not rank among the most heinous crimes he will have committed.

Kim Jong-Il’s ego falls prey to Bill Clinton’s sycophantic mastery

By Donald Vegiton

PYONGYANG- Using his world-class suck-up skills, honed by years of kissing babies and trying to apologize for cheating on a cold, hard bitch, Bill Clinton successfully negotiated the release of two American journalists imprisoned in North Korea. Clinton’s meeting with Kim Jong-Il was marked by Clinton’s constant catering to the North Korean dictator’s expansive ego, a tactic which proved to fit the scenario like a pig in shit.

[RIGHT- Bill Clinton, manipulator extraordinaire]

Clinton began the trip by complimenting Kim’s handshake, a bit of flattery that made Kim giggle like a 13-year old girl getting hit on after her third Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade. From that point, Clinton knew that he had Kim eating out of the palm of his hand and proceeded to make the rest of his visit to the far-East more of a pleasure trip.

[RIGHT- "My, what large hands you have, Dear Leader!"]

The North Korean government imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling and sentenced them to 12 years hard labor. Most experts speculated that the motivation for the imprisonment was to engage the United States in bilateral talks, a longtime goal that the country only partially achieved due to the involvement of the former U.S. President. When Clinton initially heard of the imprisonment, a close aide told reporters that he overheard the former president muttering to himself, “is that the sassy Japanese girl from Channel 1 news? I bet she would give one hell of a sloppy BJ if I got her out of there." Clinton’s audible internal monologue continued, “I think those Asian chicks have sideways cooters, too. I’ve always wanted to see what that looks like. I hope she doesn’t have a big bush blocking the view, but I guess she probably didn’t get a chance to shave it into a sexy landing strip in Korean prison. Maybe I should bring her a razor…”

Shortly after his arrival, Kim took Clinton on a diplomatic tour of his palace, highlighted by a live sex show performed by enslaved citizens. Clinton described the show as “an atrocity; a wonderful, sexy atrocity that Americans should learn to embrace.” From there, negotiations progressed to the dinner table, where Clinton and Kim indulged in spit-fire dog, a delicacy which Clinton described as “melt in your mouth delicious.” All the while, Kim became more enchanted by the American’s faux-sincerity, as his misgivings about the Great Satan fell to the most basic trappings of American political sycophantism.

Clinton sealed the deal with Kim when he invited the totalitarian dictator to an irresistible evening of debauchery. He later recounted his final negotiating tactic to an assistant: “I said, ‘Now Kim, I just wanted to come here to get some of that sweet DPRK poon, but these guys won’t let me get after it until these prisoners are freed. What do you say we pretend some renegade judge let them out, you can have the judge murdered by a firing squad later for insubordination, we’ll go get some Courvoisier, smoke some Cubans, and we’ll find you some of those Swedish maids you like so much. That’s all I’m asking, Kim- let’s cut business time short so we can get to the bonin’.’ You see, every lie has to start with a shred of truth, or else he’ll never believe it. That lie worked because I really wanted to stop talking about hostages and start screwing his hot slaves. That’s the kind of sincerity that lays the groundwork for trust in a negotiation.”

Kim reportedly wanted no part of negotiations with President Barack Obama because he is, as one source put it, “terrified of black people.” Clinton, the archetypal congenial Southerner, was practically invented to manipulate someone as egotistical as Kim with his knack for making him feel manlier and more accomplished. Clinton’s tactics included referring to Kim’s palace as “one hell of a man cave,” asking for Kim’s expert opinion on his upcoming NFL fantasy draft- Kim likes Frank Gore as a second round sleeper-, and intentionally losing to Kim in a beer chugging contest, which was punctuated by a jubilant Kim yelling, “suck on dat, Birr Crinton!”

To the relief of many western diplomats, Clinton backed away from the nuclear option of returning filmmaker Shin Sang Ok, acclaimed and beloved director of Three Ninjas Kick Back, to North Korea. Shin spent 15 years in North Korean captivity after Kim’s security force kidnapped him from a South Korean restaurant. While under Kim’s supervision, Shin was forced to direct and produce Moria, a low-budget Godzilla rip-off that Kim thought would dispel negative stereotypes about his country. With North Korea on the receiving end of mountains of bad press, some insiders have suggested that Moria 2 may be in the works, and the script may rival Godsend for historical ineptitude. Clinton was therefore reluctant to return Shin to North Korean custody for fear that only he had the capability to engineer Kim's weapon of mass dullness.

[LEFT- Probably the wrong Kim and Clinton.]

Now that the journalists have been freed from their sentence of 12 years hard labor, it is unclear whether they will be required to continue working for Al Gore’s Current TV. Gore, it is said, runs the news network as a despot- he spends all of the company’s money on gaudy military demonstrations and leaves no money for food. He has taken to wearing Nehru jackets, combing his hair straight back, and has replaced his contacts with comically oversized glasses. Inside sources indicate that Gore’s presence may help ease Lee and Ling back into American society after their time in North Korea.

Clinton, a glutton for pleasure as well as a fantastic suck-up, said that he greatly enjoyed his trip, and would consider returning on unofficial business in the future. “Let me tell you,” Clinton said at a press conference at LAX airport, “any country that lets you be president forever, and forces women to have sex with you when you’re in office- that’s my kind of country. Maybe I was a little too hard on Kim when I was in office, but that guy’s got it all figured out.”