Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

Notes on the Republican Nomination Campaign

By Liz Elizabeth, former VP of Programming for the CW Network

With the first few weeks of the 2011 fall TV season in the books, it has become obvious that the Republican Presidential Nomination Campaign is the season’s biggest smash hit. Like American Idol and Who Wants to be a Millionaire before it, the GOP Campaign has seamlessly blended the drama of a high stakes contest with the emotional levity of real life. Already this year, we have seen the passionate crowds boo a gay soldier and cheer executions. The storylines are so intense, it’s like Days of Our Lives on steroids! No wait, that’s pro wrestling, but this has been almost as good.

No matter how fast it comes out of the gate, every show has to adapt to keep viewers interested. If the writers keep trotting out the same old storylines about social security and health insurance, the public will be sure to switch back to The Real Housewives faster than you can say “Town Hall Style Debate.” With that in mind, I have a few notes for the GOP Primary producers.

Immunity Challenges

My first suggestion is a tried and true moneymaker in reality shows like this one- the immunity challenge. Ever since Survivor grabbed the game show conch more than a decade ago, the immunity challenge has been a staple of elimination-based programming. The beauty of immunity challenges is that they can change from week to week to keep from becoming predictable. Maybe one week, all of the Republican Presidential candidates will have to stand one-footed on a small platform above a pit full of snakes and bugs. Or maybe the candidates will have to kayak across a lake, only to discover a 100-foot rope ladder on the other side that they have to climb to capture the immunity idol. You'll have to tune in to find out! You never know what kind of task they’ll have to compete, but you know you’ll be getting their best effort, because the loser automatically makes it through the next state’s primary. Move over TNT- it looks like the GOP knows drama!

[RIGHT- The Black Eyed Peas will be performing as musical guests at the next Republican Presidential Debate, as well as 14 other new fall TV shows.]

Lifelines
Even though everyone laughs at the occasional high profile gaffe, America is still a country that likes a winner. We want to get behind a capable leader and cheer for him or her as they ascend to the top. With that in mind, if we insist on grilling the candidates on such arcane subjects as foreign policyand history, it might make sense to give them better odds at getting things right. For example, everyone turned on Sarah Palin in the last election because she couldn’t name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade. It would have made better TV if Katie Couric had asked her which of the following was a Supreme Court case: (a) Kramer v. Kramer, (b) Man v. Food, (c) Plessy v. Ferguson, or (d) Versus Sports Network. If she still wasn’t sure, she could have polled the audience, or asked for the always pithy advice of Whoopi Goldberg in the center square. The way I see it, that format kills three birds with one stone: it gets the audience rooting for the candidate to increase emotional investment, it keeps the interview focused and on point, and it eliminates the silly gotcha question that only serves to give Michael Moore material for his next socialist propaganda rag (that’s why I like to call him the lefty Leni Reifenstahl). In other words, it’s a win win win. Or maybe a win win win win. I lost count.

Love Triangle
While the Sarah Palin-Glenn Rice intrigue might be enough sexual tension to pique the interest of that tiny minority of the party that approves of interracial relationships, it wouldn’t hurt to spice up the rest of the campaign. Now I’m not suggesting that they re-write the central plot of the campaign- the program will sink or swim on the strength of the Romney-Perry story no matter what-, but the Ron Paul Revolution is lagging as a C story arc. If it came out that he and Jon Huntsman had gone around the block with Michelle Bachman in the swingin’ 80s, everything would get a little bit zestier. Instead of reaching for the remote the next time he starts droning about the flat tax, the public can look forward to the sexually-motivated digs between the three of them. Maybe Bachman can tell Paul that he doesn’t “measure up” as a candidate. Maybe that’s a little too on the nose, but I’m not a writer. I’m just spitballing here.

Before I wrap things up, I should point out that I’m not a "political expert" per se. Still, if the Republicans want to keep their ratings up and get renewed for next year, they could do a lot worse than talking to me. After all, I’m the one who greenlighted phenomena like In Harm’s Way and Easy Money for the CW Network, so I think I know a thing or two about edgy, reality-based programming. By following this simple formula, the Republicans can accomplish the time-tested goal of being exactly like everything else that is on TV.

That, or they could just start talking about half of them are mormons.

Dear Seattle Police Department,

I often hear people say that you cannot fully understand someone’s suffering until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I think this saying is true, because it is almost impossible to grasp the intensity of a situation until you are thrust into the middle of it with no way out.

I am writing this letter to tell you that I finally had my moment of true realization, my epiphany. The Seattle Police Department has faced massive amounts of criticism for the last few months due to uses of excessive force and possible police brutality. Communities of color have been especially angry that the police have seemingly targeted them with their use of excessive force. From the very beginning, I felt a sense of solidarity with the marginalized populations who had been victimized by overzealous law enforcement, but it wasn’t until this week that I felt fully motivated.

After passing through Tuesday’s protest outside of police headquarters, I finally “got it.” I finally felt true sympathy over the police situation. When I saw those protestors with their raw emotion, their feeling of betrayal by the system, and their blind rage against a government that did not do for them what they wanted, I knew that I had no choice but to throw my support behind the Seattle Police Department.

Look, I’m not one to condone police brutality. But my visceral reaction to the situation has almost nothing to do with the police and almost everything to do with the filthy street urchins protesting outside police headquarters. It’s like the Seattle WTO protests from 1999 swept all of its rejects under a rock and they have been waiting to come out, only they are 12 years dirtier, crazier, and angrier now than they were then.

[RIGHT- Stopping people from getting to Northgate via Greenwood is not going to end police brutality. Now get down from there.]

The protest itself was an unapologetic assault on all five senses. As I innocently walked to the bus stop, people brushed by me, coating my jacket with a combination of putrid sweat and grimy filth layered from weeks without bathing. I could feel the threads on my cloth gloves turning into dreadlocks as I hurried past. Their stench wafted over the block like a hovering cloud. Although the smell of urine and stale cigarettes wasn’t visible, you could smell it like the dust cloud that follows Pigpen around in Peanuts cartoons. The stench was so intense that anyone who hadn’t been incrementally acclimated to it beforehand immediately gagged violently or vomited slightly. Needless to say, I had not spent time at disgusting protest boot camp, so I suffered the latter fate. As if the stench wasn’t painful enough on its own, it combined with the taste of partially-digested falafel in the back of my throat in a medley that made me want to find the nearest shotgun for quick relief.

If this situation sounds oppressive to you so far, you may want to avert your eyes, because it became even more torturous. I had almost made it through the fray when my attention was diverted by a 5-foot tall woman of some Hispanic descent. She was possibly the most foul-smelling beast in this whole circus, like a bear that had shit on itself but didn’t know enough to clean it off. Being around this many people must have been a new experience for her. She was coated with a thick layer of grease that was either sweat that she had worked up during her frothing fervor or a dusting of Crisco left over from breakfast that morning. Either one would be realistic considering that she weighed at least 250 pounds. She had the center of gravity of a paperweight.

Now, I would simply look away, but she apparently thought that the protest uniform was an undersized black tank top with spaghetti straps and not enough fabric to cover the stretch marks on her stomach or chest. I hate to be shallow, but the sight was so appalling that I couldn’t help but become transfixed. She was a human car wreck, and I was not immune to rubbernecking. Unfortunately, she caught my gaze and unleashed a fury upon me that made me wonder if she was actually part dragon. The fire she spewed at me was consistent with my dragon hypothesis, and it came out as shouts of “FUCK YOU WHITE BOY!” over and over, like some bizarre eastern religion mantra. I tried to walk away, but I was stunned- I had gone into a stupor as my senses were not prepared to deal with this enormous dose of the anti-culture (I hesitate to call it the counter-culture when the orienting principle of these monsters appeared to be entropy, destruction, or some hybrid of the two).

Luckily, I came to my senses before she got the crowd to turn on me. I speed-walked past my bus stop and caught the next available cab before things got really sideways. What’s $10 when your life is on the line? I narrowly escaped that morass of humanity, and my life will never be the same again.

I understand that police brutality can be a problem, but there are sociopaths in every line of work. I guess you should probably try to figure out which ones are crazy before you hand out the guns. While this disgusting mob treated a reputable city block as a cross between a mosh pit and a public latrine, dozens of cops stood around calmly and prevented anyone from getting hurt. Of course some cops are bad. And those cops should be punished. But the people who are so disaffected with society that they show up to a pointless, all-day protest instead of going to work or doing something productive are, on balance, more messed up than the police who they are protesting. That’s why the police protest moved me off the fence and squarely on the side of the law.

Sincerely,

Terrance Verona

Save Time and Money and Escape with a Bacation!

By Jeff Germane, Travel Agent at Quantum Travel Services

In times like these, we all have to tighten our belts and make the dollar stretch as far as possible. Whether it’s bringing lunch to work or turning down that thermostat, we are all saving money in our own way. In all likelihood, that savings account that you would like to use on a vacation to Tahiti or Hawaii is not as robust as you would like it to be. You might be starting to worry that you are going to have to ride out the winter doldrums without the valuable R&R to keep that Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay.

Well, my homebound friends, today is your lucky day. My colleagues at Quantum Travel Services have come up with a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who want a cheaper and easier way to recharge those batteries. It’s called a bacation, and let me tell you, it is delicious. The bacation is a lot like a typical vacation, but instead of packing your bags, flying to an exotic locale, sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais, and sitting in the sun, you eat bacon. It’s that simple!

Now, you are probably asking yourself, where did you come up with this brilliant idea? It’s really pretty simple. I was thinking of what people love so much about vacation, and it really boils down to having fun. You know what else is fun? Eating bacon. The name was the tricky part. What I ended up doing was taking part of the word bacon, and part of the word vacation, and putting them together into one word. Bacation. I’m sure you’d like to know which word the “c” came from, but that’s not the kind of information I’m going to give away for free!

Some people like to take vacations because they get to see and learn about foreign cultures. The bacation offers plenty of cultural exposure, too. You can drop in on our neighbors to the north and sample some Canadian Bacon. Sounds pretty good, eh? But seriously, it’s a short trip from bacon to get to the beautiful and romantic German Bratwurst, a favorite for young honeymooners. If you’re really up for an adventure, try salami or prosciutto! Although they’re a little pricier and technically not bacon, cured meats can be a delicious addition to a sandwich and they make a great appetizer. As they say in Italy, Vorrei cambiare dei soldi!

[LEFT- I shall call it... the BAKINI!]

The bacation is a great way for families to come together to bond. Young or old, anyone can appreciate some deliciously fried pig flesh. You can spice up you family slide show with pictures of BLTs, breakfast sandwiches, and omelets. There are only so many pictures of zoos and sunsets that your relatives will watch before they drift to sleep. Throw some pictures of bacon in there, and add some savory zest to the show.

These days, travel can be a real hassle. Would you rather spend an entire day slogging through crowded and dirty airports and sitting in a cramped plane, or eat bacon? Would you rather sleep in an uncomfortable bed in a hotel that is probably covered in several caked-on layers of years-old semen, or eat bacon? Would you rather go through the hassle of customs tell you that it’s “illegal” to bring drugs and live animals across international lines and get shoved in a Third World holding cell while you wait for your lawyer to bribe the banana republic government, or eat bacon? Would you rather pay hard earned cash for an underage hooker only to find out later that it’s a Ladyboy, or eat bacon? I rest my case.

Just because you don’t get a tan doesn’t mean your vacation can’t sizzle! Call to book your bacation today, and you will receive a complimentary fork to enjoy your bacation even

Gabrielle Giffords Set to Make Return in Zombie Flash Mob

By Martin West

TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.

“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”

Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will probably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’

[RIGHT- Zombie Giffords joins a proud tradition of Zombie politicians from the Grand Canyon State.]

The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.

The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.

As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”

When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.

Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.

Confucius Say “Take Saints Plus 4.5”

By Sylvester Granato

LAS VEGAS- Confucius, renowned Chinese intellectual master of personal morality, recently shifted gears from religious leadership to a field that may be more lucrative: sports betting. The philosopher, who did his most influential work in the 5th and 6th century BC, has used the lessons he learned from a lifetime of viewing human behavior to beat the Vegas insiders on college and professional football picks this season. Early returns show that Confucius’ great wisdom has translated to the gambling world with a 10-3-1 record against the spread in week 5 NFL picks and a season record of 12-3 in his Master Locks of the Week available on his tips hotline, 1-900-BETCONF.

[RIGHT- Confucius became interested in sports when he played small forward on the Chinese national team during the 590 BC Olympics.]

“Confucius say, ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius explained at a recent interview at his palatial Nevada estate paid for entirely in handicapping profits. “At start of year, nobody see beauty in Chiefs, but Confucius see improving defense, dynamic young offensive playmaker, and coaching staff that know how to win. Confucius rake in the cash picking Chiefs every week.”

Confucius says that it is important for bettors not to fixate too much on recent results. Instead, he advises his clients to be patient and wait out a team’s true talent. He points out that “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” and cautions players from abandoning a team that has talent but struggled out of the gate. In time, Confucius says, true talent will win out over the vagaries of individual games.

In addition to patience, Confucius insists that careful study and hard work outweighs luck in the long run. “Confucius say, I am not one who is born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.” Therefore, he says that one important factor going into each season is to understand how teams have performed against each other in past matchups, how well teams do against the spread at home or on the road, and results in games that are nationally televised or played at night instead of the day time. Confucius claims that there is no magic formula that gives him his picks, but that he tries to gain as much knowledge as possible before making any decisions and taking everything available into account. “Study the past if you would define the future,” Confucius says.

There is also a mechanical element to Confucius’ success: he does not sit idly by as betting lines move throughout the week. “Confucius say, ‘Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart,’ so it important to be confident in picks, but don’t be stupid. If line moves two-three points, buy back the public money and hedge against your first unit. Offshore bookmakers come out with odds earlier than most of the casinos, so there can be value in buying a team at that number before you see how the syndicates push the number once there is enough money in the till to uncap the limits later in the week, even if that mean Confucius have to shop for lines downtown up until start of games.”

So who does Confucius like in the upcoming games? He gave a free preview of some of his tips as part of the interview and his explanations gave a window into how the master of wisdom breaks down his picks every week.

“Confucius say, ‘an insinuating appearance is not often associated with true virtue.’ Texas might look like good pick +10 going into Nebraska because they have had good results in past, but Nebraska a good pick even though it not win pretty. Texas have trouble against UCLA spread offense, they face much more difficult challenge when they play athletic specimen like Taylor Martinez. Confucius like Nebraska by three touchdowns.”

“In NFL, Confucius say, ‘the superior man, when faced with security, does not forget the possibility of ruin.’ Confucius see the Jets as nine win team. They have everything go right on offense so far. Matt Sanchez throw only one interception after being turnover machine last year. Things not stay so good fo Jets all year. Jets defense very good, but they not blow out teams like they do the last few weeks. Confucius say that the Broncos are good home team, so you take the points and hope the score stay low.”

For more Confucius picks, call his tip hotline at 1-900-BETCONF. To read more about his betting and handicapping strategies, visit his offshore betting site, www.ConfuciusLocks.net.

ABC to Launch New TV Spinoff “Dancing With the Jews”

By Laura DeCamille

HOLLYWOOD- ABC programming executives announced this week that they would double down on the success of their hit television show Dancing With the Stars with a new spinoff series called Dancing With the Jews. Rather than the washed-up C-listers on the comeback trail that populate the parent show’s cast, DWTJ will feature their bosses: entertainment executives, high-powered bankers and lawyers, and the occasional doctor.

Diehard fans of the show, while excited about the prospect of more ballroom glitz and glam, were understandably skeptical of the new format. “I know that DWTS is not just about dancing,” said longtime fan Susan McDermott of Cedar Falls, Iowa, “but it seems like they should be able to dance at least a little bit. I saw Buzz Aldrin stumble around on his fake knees in season six, but I’d say he was quite a bit better than the upright seizures that most of the Jew-dancers on the show’s debut.”

ABC executives were more optimistic about the success of the show. Paul Lee, Chairman of the ABC Entertainment Group said that the show, “captures the drama and the heartache that made DWTS such a big hit. Plus, we’ll still have the two gay English guys telling the dancers to smile more and ranting about body lines or some stupid shit like that. We think it will have most of the important elements of the original show.”

[RIGHT- An advance clip of the new cast's advanced training techniques.]

Lee went on to say that DWTJ would have some added benefits over the original show. “On DWTS, there were always one or two competitors on the cast who were basically professional dancers before the came on the show. Kristie Yamaguchi was a figure skater, Nicole Scherzinger was a member of the Pussycat Dolls, Shawn Johnson was a gymnast- all of them had an unfair advantage going up against comedians who think that footwork consists of not tripping over a mic cord. At least on DWTJ, there will be some real drama, because nobody will be able to dance at all. It’s more of a fair playing field when everyone on the cast has the body rhythm of Sigmund Freud. And I mean Freud now, not when he was alive.”

Another side effect of the added programming for ABC is that it will help keep the brand viable without stretching DWTS too thin. Currently, DWTS airs for two hours, three nights each week. That programming includes two hours of new competition on Monday, a two-hour results show on Tuesday, and a two-hour reaction to the results show on Wednesday that does not include any actual dancing. More DWTS franchises would help alleviate the strain on ABC programming created by its post-writer strike lineup of shows that included Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, and Samantha Who as its flagship shows. ABC also knows how to exploit a popular franchise to its benefit: recall that this network was able to stretch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire into a 10-night-a-week show during the height of Regis Philbin’s popularity.

ABC, of course, is owned by the Disney Corporation, a fact that influences the tone and tenor of much of the network’s programming. Some entertainment experts have wondered what the parent company would think of ABC cozying up to the Friends of Abraham. Disney famously ousted former CEO Michael Eisner several years ago for a combination of hurting the business and being Jewish. Founder Walt Disney was himself a dyed-in-the-wool anti-Semite who included anti-Semitic messages in several of his films (such as a cloud of dust that formed a swastika in Cinderella) and collaborated with Leni Riefenstahl on several of her early Nazi propaganda films. Company figurehead Mickey Mouse also had a famous meltdown on the set of Fantasia where he hurled an expletive-laden tantrum at a lighting operator who he called a “Jew bitch.” Company executives say that DWTJ is in line with the parent company’s principles because it is designed to humiliate Jews and profit from their failure, which were two of the company’s founding maxims.

[LEFT- A wartime photograph shows Mickey's true allegiance to Hitler.]

The new show will occupy the 9:30 to 10:30 timeslot, filling the timeslot vacated by the immediately canceled Jimmy Smits project “Outlaw,” where he played a conservative Supreme Court Justice who had a coming-to-God moment and left the bench to represent the poor and underrepresented members of society. If that’s the standard that ABC expects DWTJ to meet, then maybe the show will not be such a failure. It will also bump the first half-hour of Jimmy Kimmel Live, which comes as terrible news to the 8 employees of the show and both of its fans.

Nation Turns on Bush Five Years Too Late

By Roland Arbuckle

WASHINGTON- Over half of a decade after inflicting the worst of his damage on the United States and more than two years after fading from the public eye, America’s institutions have finally taken formal action to punish Bush. Stuck with dire economic conditions, two costly yet unnecessary wars, and a poisoned political climate, officials have finally struck against the corrupted greed of former President George W… Excuse me, I’m being corrected. Apparently Americans have not taken action against George W. Bush, they have turned on former USC running back Reggie Bush.

Apparently, the country has decided that it is more important for Reggie Bush to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won during his final season at USC rather than holding politicians accountable for the disastrous effects of their tainted legacies. There are parallels between the Bushes, to be sure. Both of them reached the pinnacle of individual success in the early to mid-aughts as George led America head first into an amorphous War on Terror while Reggie Bush helped lead the Trojans to the 2004 NCAA championship, then won the Heisman trophy the next year while bringing his team back to the championship game.

[RIGHT- Reggie Bush receives a possibly improper head pat from a corrupt USC assistant.]

In the end, each man fell prey to arrogance, greed, and an inability of those around him to say no. George pushed too far into Iraq at the urging of oil companies and private contractors who wanted a piece of rebuilding the country. Had he maintained his commitment to spreading democracy and planning a true nation-building excursion, he may have had enough discretion to put the Iraq war off, or avoid it altogether. Back home, his deference to his friends in the corporate sector resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as Enron, Nationwide, and Arthur Anderson. Because he refused to fix the problems that his deregulation created, irresponsible credit default swaps continued unabated until they submarined the economy through bursting the housing bubble.

Reggie, on the other hand, pushed too far into the celebrity realm at the urging of agents and marketing firms who wanted a piece of building his public image. Had he maintained his commitment to supporting his family and training as a football superstar, he may have had enough discretion to turn down some of the gifts he received, or even dedicate himself to the game. At USC, his deference to people who did not have his best interests at heart resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as the marketers who bought him his Chevy Caprice and the boosters who bought his family a new house. Because he refused to repay the agents the money that they spent on him while he was an amateur, the irresponsible behavior continued unabated until they submarined the USC program by taking away a national championship and suspending several scholarships.

Why the NCAA or the Downtown Athletic Club- which awards the Heisman Trophy to the nation’s top college football player every year- would care about Reggie Bush getting free rims on his crappy sedan five years ago is a mystery. The NCAA is determined to ensure that its amateur athletes are actually amateurs, except for the part where the universities spend the entire offseason scattering their allegiances into different bowl affiliations, conference alignments, and television contracts to squeeze every last dollar out of the athletes who get a free education that they won’t use anyway once they turn pro. How Reggie Bush or the university derived any on-field advantage from an independent marketing firm putting his family in a house after he was already enrolled at USC is a complete mystery. But if the NCAA ever admitted that their authoritarian mentality toward its athletes had gone too far, they would risk losing ultimate control and might have to cede some of their enormous profits to the people who generate those profits. The institution’s greed is so great that it would even appall George W. Bush.

Reggie Bush’s fault lies in his inability to diffuse the situation once the benefits he received came to light. He allegedly received a car and a house for his family in exchange for a promise to sign with the marketing firm after leaving college. When he did not sign with the firm, they sought to recoup approximately $40,000 of the money that they spent on him when he was at USC. Instead of paying that sum, which amounts to 0.2% of the guaranteed money of his NFL contract- not to mention his endorsement deals with Pepsi, General Motors, Adidas, and Subway- he denied any knowledge of the situation. When making his denial, Reggie did not consider that the documents for the house clearly stated that the marketing firm helped make the down payment, and he somehow thought the phone conversation where his father identified himself and described the benefits he received would not hold up as part of the case against him. He did everything short of telling his father that he was doing a heckuva job, Bushy. Reggie’s crisis management skills were so abysmal that they would appall even George W. Bush.

The Reggie Bush story as a whole represents America’s obsession with irrelevant news. Whether the country has a short attention span that cannot process anything more than a sound bite or a cat fight, or if everyone is exhausted from the steady stream of bad news that has polluted the front pages for the last half-decade, it is clear that no one wants to address or even contemplate any meaningful issues. As a result, it is likely that the follow up to this story will have nothing to do with the NCAA’s misplaced tyranny and everything to do with Reggie’s emotional reaction. In fact, let me start the speculation right now.

[LEFT- Hey, Reggie, maybe if you did real exercises you could average more than 3 yards a carry.]

Where is Reggie’s on-again off-again lover Kim Kardashian now, when he needs her most? She’s rubbing salt in Reggie’s wounds by sleeping in the bed of another NFL star from a rival team, Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Miles Austin. When asked why Kim left Reggie for Miles, Kim’s sister Khloe pointed out that Austin has unique assets that few others possess. “Miles can squat and leg press more weight than any other receiver in the NFL, and that helps him get in and out of cuts really quickly,” Khloe told Radar Online. “More importantly, it means he has a huge ass, and Kim really wanted to see what it was like to date someone with an ass bigger than hers. Unfortunately, that narrowed the field down to Miles, Precious, and me. Precious is busy acting and I’m not into incest.”

Roger Clemens Indicted for Buggery Perjury

Roger Clemens will be indicted on charges of making false statements to Congress about his attraction to members of the same sex, The New York Times reported, citing two sources briefed on the case.

An announcement of the indictment was expected shortly, according to the report.
Clemens and his former partner, Brian McNamee, testified under oath before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in 2008. McNamee, who cooperated with federal authorities and with baseball's Mitchell report on homoxexuality in baseball, said Clemens had fucked, while Clemens flatly denied having ever fucked them.

A few weeks later, the FBI opened a perjury probe against Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner. The federal grand jury began hearing testimony more than 18 months ago.

Rusty Hardin, Clemens' new boyfriend, said he was unaware of a pending indictment.
"We've heard nothing," Hardin said by telephone from Houston, "so I can't knowledgeably respond at all."

Earl Ward, one of McNamee's lawyers, said he, too, "had no indication something was coming on dudes."

McNamee, a one-time New York City cop and former close friend of Clemens, said in the Mitchell report that he injected the 354-game winner with his dick at least 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001. He repeated the claim under oath before Congress, but Clemens, also under oath, adamantly denied the allegations.

Some of McNamee's evidence is believed to include bloody gauze, vials and needles that he claims contained his feces and Clemens' DNA. McNamee kept the decade-old evidence in a FedEx box at his New York home and handed it over to investigators after the anal probe began.

Clemens sued McNamee for defamation, but a federal judge in Texas dismisseed most of Clemens' claims against McNamee last year. Earlier this month, a federal appeals court affirmed the decision.

McNamee has filed a defamation suit against Clemens in federal court in New York.

Scientists Link Harry Potter to Child Abuse

By Renee Dupont

GLENDALE- Scientists in the child psychology department of the University of Phoenix have concluded a shocking and disheartening study that indicates that there is a direct relationship between a child’s interest in Harry Potter and instances of child abuse. The researchers say that the types of abuse range from simple neglect to full incest, but that almost every child you see reading a Harry Potter book, standing in line for the movie premier, or wearing one of those retarded costumes has suffered some sort of horrible, painful abuse in life.

Dr. Ziggy Friedlander, the lead scientist from the research study, suggests that the children see some of themselves in Harry Potter. “Whether it is intentional or not, the character speaks in a sort of code to abused children. He is the Pied Piper of Pedophilia, the Svengali of Sexual Abuse. While most of us see that stupid lightning tattoo on his head and think nothing of it, the kids see it and think that he is bearing the mark of their kind,” Friedlander said while presenting his research findings at San Diego’s ComiCon.

Friedlander went on to say that, “Harry Potter stands as a bit of escapist fantasy in an otherwise painful and devastatingly cold world for victims of child abuse.” He said that the theme of wizardry is so appealing because it provides a potential for a way out. The children like to imagine that they also have special magical powers that could make their uncles stop fondling them, or make their daddy love them. While the book is obviously pure escapist fantasy with no bearing on reality whatsoever, it is a very reassuring thought to keep in mind while being molested.

[RIGHT- An obvious victim of child abuse.]

One proposal that arose out of the study is to get more counseling to the kids who need it most. Finding victims of child abuse is a persistent problem due to the shame and denial from which many of the victims suffer throughout their lives. Since the rates of abuse are so incredibly high amongst die-hard fans of Harry Potter, the counselors need only find a group of Harry Potter fans to get their message across. Luckily, they tend to congregate like flies on shit whenever there is a new book release or movie premier, so counselors can bring bull-horns to the line wrapped around the AMC Theater and conduct mass therapy sessions with up to 500 people at one time. Similarly, author J.K. Rowling tentatively agreed to star in a PSA encouraging child abuse victims to seek help, but the plans were scrapped when she sobbed so uncontrollably that she could not get through the script.

Cities across the country have started to crack down on the Harry Potter related abuse, from using the information as clues in investigations to banning the books altogether. Harold DeGraw, the mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, suggested that the entire down become a Harry Potter free zone in a class case of confusing the chicken and the egg. As a result, DeGraw was brutally beaten by a gang of adult Harry Potter fans in full regalia who suffer from serious and untreated displaced anger issues. In a related story, many police forces across the country have started using Harry Potter obsessions as clues for child abuse. The City Council in Columbia, Missouri passed an ordinance to allow police to arrest any parent whose child owns more than one copy of the book series, wears Harry Potter pajamas, or goes to elementary school with the lightning tattoo drawn on to his or her forehead.

The researchers at the University of Phoenix are happy with the publicity that the results of their landmark study have brought to the institution, but they are not satisfied. Next, they will seek to find a link between autism and listening to Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the pre-teen years in the interest of eradicating another inane tween fad.

Racist Scouting Reports

By Skip Procter

OMAHA- I’ve been in the business of scouting ball players for forty-odd years now. I guess you could say that I’ve forgotten more baseball players than Theo Epstein and his band of merry pocket-protector wearing idiots will ever see. As a kid, I saw Willie Mays steal home plate and Mickey Mantle hit a 700 foot homerun to dead center field of a football stadium. These days, you hear a lot about steroids, but that’s just the newest drug in town. I’ve seen players make All-Star Games after they were smack fiends like Josh Hamilton, cokeheads like Doc Gooden, acid trippers like Doc Ellis, greenie poppers like Reggie Jackson, pot heads like Manny Ramirez, or just plain old drunks like everyone on the 1964 Cleveland Indians.

Over my long career in baseball, I have noticed a few things that make my job a lot easier. The first time a construction worker tries to hang a door, it’s going to take him a few tries, but once he’s done it a few hundred times, he develops shortcuts. I am the same way with baseball players. These days, you can just give me the name of a hot prospect and I can tell you what he’s good at, what he’s bad at, and what he needs to work on if he ever wants to make it to the show. I never have to see him play, look at his statistics, or hear a word about his background to know how his career will shape up. I’ll give you a few examples.

Yu Darvish, SP, Nippon Ham Fighters, Japan- You always have to be careful around oriental pitchers. They always try to use tricky pitches to sneak up on you instead of just bringing the heat like a real man. When was the last time you saw an oriental pitcher challenge a hitter with the old number one over the plate? The reason they don’t do it is because they’re weak minded people. This kid Darvish needs to develop a more confident mound presence. Bob Feller- now there was a pitcher. He could throw it 103 miles an hour when he wanted to. He stood up there tall and strong and dared the batter to take his best cut. Darvish isn’t cut from the same cloth as the great starters like Feller. He’s too weak and bashful to intimidate a hitter, and the last thing you want to do is to get a starting pitcher who is afraid to throw strikes. You get a pitcher who wants to commit Harry Carrey on the mound, and it can kamikaze your whole pitching staff. I don’t care what the other scouts say; I’d stay away from this one.

Manuel Machado, SS, Miami Brito HS, Florida- Machado is what I would describe as a high-ceiling toolsy infield prospect. He is a gamble because he has great athleticism and all five tools, but there is a real possibility that he never develops the discipline needed to harness his immense talents. Off the field, Machado has several question marks. He has a fiery Latin temper that could get him into trouble, and he probably has had problems with alcoholism and/or domestic violence in the past. There are also some makeup questions with Machado in the clubhouse- coaches wonder if he has the drive necessary to become a truly great player, or if he is satisfied with taking home a paycheck. There are also some questions about his age, as he was born in the Dominican Republic and may have a falsified birth certificate. All we know is that he is somewhere between 16 and 39 years old.



[LEFT- Machado has talent, but he's still got a lot to prove.]

Desmond Jennings, OF, Durham Bulls, AAA- Jennings is another world class athlete, but unfortunately the big leagues aren’t a track and field contest. Jennings is going to have to get his ego under control and learn how to play as a member of a team. He has a lot of maturity issues, but that’s common for children who grow up in large families with single mothers who are addicted to crack as I assume Jennings must have been. If Jennings can get his anger issues under control, he could become a truly special player, just as long as he doesn’t talk back to his manager.

Phillippe Aumont, RP, Tacoma Raniers, AAA- I don’t trust the French.

Grady Sizemore, OF, Cleveland Indians- Here’s another guy who has great speed and strength, but might not have the character to make it in the major leagues. All the physical talent in the world isn’t going to make a difference if you… What’s that? Oh, apparently Grady Sizemore is a white guy. I had no idea. In that case, I’m sure he has his head screwed on straight and he hustles on every play. I’m just not sure if he has the athletic ability to become a superstar-caliber player.


[RIGHT- 'Posey' is a name you can trust when the game is on the line.]

Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants, Rookie- I like the cut of this kid’s jib. Strong jaw line. He’s a real gamer. Even if this guy is grinding, you can count on him to gut out a hustle double, or make the heads up play in the field. He probably looks good in a pair of jeans, too. I can just imagine him at the plate- no batting gloves, pine tar all over his batting helmet, sanitary socks with stirrups and his pants up to his knees- that’s the stuff that Hall of Fame players are made out of. I see him having the same sort of great career as Babe Ruth, Boomer Wells, Flash Gordon and Nuke LaLoosh. Plus, if this whole baseball thing doesn’t work out for him, he could always transition seamlessly into porn without having to change his name.

See? It’s not so hard to put together a scouting report on a player. And if you think my reasoning is flawed, check back with these guys in five years and see if I’m wrong on any of them. Darvish will be an overpaid fourth starter who walks too many batters and piles up huge pitch counts. Machado will be a top prospect with production that lags behind his skills and at least one contract dispute in his past. Jennings will have multiple disciplinary problems, Jennings will have given up, and Posey will be on the cover of a video game. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Obama Apologizes After Landmark Legislative Victories

By Talia Applegate

THE ROSE GARDEN- President Obama celebrated Congressional victories on financial market regulation and unemployment insurance this week by issuing a blanket apology today. Many pundits believed that his afternoon press conference would be a celebration, but it quickly turned into a cathartic expression of shame and remorse by a beaten man.

“I’d like to apologize, first of all, to all of the Americans who will be touched by this new legislation we have passed. I think of unemployment insurance in difficult economic times as a good thing for the American people, but my time as president has taught me that everyone is probably going to be pissed off, so I figured I would get the apology out of the way at the beginning,” Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden. “Also, let me say that I am sincerely sorry to all of the reporters here today that we had to perform the press conference outdoors in this sweltering Washington heat. I considered using the press briefing room, but thought it was a little stuffy, so we moved out here, and now that I see how much you are sweating, I realize that I made a grave mistake. I assure you that my administration will not let it happen again.”

Obama took a somber tone when he addressed the state of his administration and its achievements. “Many analysts point to my first year and a half in office and say that it has been a great success. We passed a record economic stimulus package that saved millions of jobs, an overhaul of the healthcare system, and a financial industry reform bill that will help prevent meltdowns like the one that landed us in this recession, all while responding to the cataclysmic oil spill in the Gulf. But I have seen my poll numbers, and I want to express my deep regret to the American public that I have not been what they wanted me to be. On the campaign trail, I believed that Americans wanted me to work through the political process to repair a broken system so everyone’s voice could be heard. Extensive focus group work, though, has taught me what Americans really want: a morning show host with a Justin Bieber haircut who complains about what a terrible person Mel Gibson is and signs off with ‘Obama out.’ Finally, I would like to conclude my remarks by addressing those who have said that my administration has been too apologetic. I am very sorry that I have apologized for so many of my achievements. I will not let it happen again, but please accept my heartfelt apology for doing so.”

[LEFT- Obama's approval ratings have apparently caused to his head, causing irreparable brain damage.]

Academics have pointed out that Obama has been highly successful in many facets of his presidency so far, but that his triumphs have not translated into popularity or improved quality of life for most Americans. For instance, Obama has historically high marks in logical consistency. Logicians who study presidential speeches and press releases say that Obama’s claims achieve valid and sound logical status 83% of the time, which compares favorably to Bill Clinton, who was logical 71% of the time. Newt Gingerich has the highest marks for a modern republican at 73% logical, while Ronald Reagan’s statements achieved logical soundness only 11% of the time. George W. Bush brought up the rear of the study at negative eleventy billion% logical. Similarly, Obama has done a remarkable job at managing the news cycle. Even when he receives negative publicity, he plays damage control to make sure he has control over the message. In fact, he has come out ahead in a larger proportion of news cycles than any politician since John Kerry, who was about as well-liked as Obama is now. John Edwards previously held the record until he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife with a slutty publicist then paid her to keep the relationship and resulting child secret.

Meanwhile, Americans at large have become disinterested in political battles in Washington as their circumstances remain uncertain. As the unemployment rates stays high and out of work citizens struggle to pay their bills, an increasing number of Americans tune out national politics. In a recent Harris Interactive poll that asked if respondents felt hat President Obama was doing a good job of accomplishing his policy goals, 4% said yes, 3% said no, while 91% frantically asked which response would look better on a resume, because they haven’t worked in 18 months and they can no longer get a line of credit from the bank to buy diapers for their toddler, and they are about to have to hock grandma’s diamond earrings at a pawn shop even though they have been in the family for 3 generations because the mortgage rate keeps going up and Timmy needs new glasses and they’re really expensive because they no longer have health insurance since Cobra ran out six months ago. The remaining 2% were undecided.

Republicans have taken flack for refusing to use their legislative authority to address the nation’s struggling economy. For their part, most republicans say that the economy seems to be improving, as there are no signs of poverty or struggle in their gated communities.

Some policy analysts believe that the situation is hopeless for Obama because there is no way for the economy to improve. Ira Rosenthal of the New Republic believes that America has shot itself in the foot by using its ingenuity to invent more and more ways to avoid doing work. “America came to prominence in the middle part of the 20th century as a manufacturing power. When companies realized that they could build the same goods overseas with lower labor costs, they were intrigued, but faced too much uncertainty. Then, in the 1980s, Americans started developing computers that enhanced productivity and allowed companies to replace workers with machines to cut labor costs at home. In the 1990s, they innovated new software and the internet that opened up world markets through globalization and took away any advantage companies had to keeping their operations in America. In the 2000s, complicated financial tools were used to make it look like the inventions of the 80s and 90s had not completely crippled the American economy, so we were 10 years behind in responding to the fact that we have an economy where people demand a great deal, but produce nothing of actual value. America’s only real hope for economic growth is outpacing China at developing green technology to establish the economies of scale that could make electric cars, wind turbines, solar panels, and nuclear generators viable for the whole world, but we have collectively decided that green technology is kinda gay, so we’re going to let the emerging Asian economies do the heavy lifting.”

Meanwhile, other analysts believe that Obama’s constant capitulation is part of a larger strategy of hitting rock bottom. Appearing incompetent, paying no attention to the faltering economy, and getting crushed in the midterm elections, they argue, will make people feel sorry for the President. And since Americans love a reclamation project, he can pretend to develop a drinking problem, join the cast of Celebrity Rehab, appoint Dr. Drew as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and revamp his administration with a Celebreality vibe. Firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod for a quotation that was taken out of context was part of this plan, according to many of these same experts, because there is no other semi-reasonable explanation for why Obama would follow the requests of a right-wing polemicist-blogger without investigating the details.

Another source who is well-connected to the inner-dealings of the White House says the strategy has been laid out from the start. Obama has spent the last year stalling on the economy so he can start passing policies that will help improve it just in time to lose the 2012 election, get a cushy consulting job and hit the speaking tours, then rake in the tax cuts that Sarah Palin will inevitably give to him and all of the other displaced CEOs from the last decade.

This Airport Chilis Too is What’s Up!

By Alvin Simonson

HOUSTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT- When I woke up this morning, I was staring down the barrel of a long day of traveling: I started in Charlotte, headed for St. Louis, but for some reason the geniuses at United Airlines decided to route me through Houston. Even though the diversion more than doubles the total distance of the trip, they decided to leave me in Texas for almost three hours with absolutely nothing to entertain me. One interesting thing I learned is that- contrary to common sense- the Houston International Airport decided to hide all of its restrooms so nobody can find them. I nearly shit myself while traipsing through two terminals in search of a commode. Suffice to say, the day did not start out the way that I hoped it would.

What I didn’t expect was that the direction of my day was rerouted faster than a 737 full of Muslims. I decided to kill a few minutes by grabbing a bite to eat at the airport’s Chilis Too, and it warmed my soul faster than a trip to a posh rehab facility for Lindsay Lohan. I know, I know- airport dining options are usually not the cream of the crop. But Chilis defies the stereotype, and I think their commercial gives away their secret: it’s really all in the pepperation. Instead of a menu full of hastily delivered, pre-fab cardboard, Chils Too really delivers the goods- and I don’t mean Chilis curbside to go.

Let me start with the décor. While most airport restaurants have plain, white walls and brightly colored tables bolted to the floor that look like they were all installed the same day in 1979, Chilis Too is warm and inviting, like a mother’s uterus. Rather than stools bolted to the ground, Chilis Too had real chairs that were able to slide around the floor. The tables weren’t “clean,” per se, but I ate a chip off of it and didn’t get sick, so there’s nothing to complain about on that front. The tile and the walls had a really hip Southwestern-y feel that reminded me of that time I visited my Grandma at her retirement community in Sun City West. I loved the retirement community other than the thick stench of used adult diapers and Brut aftershave, so the fact that this Chilis Too had no whiff of aftershave makes it pretty close to my ideal environment.

My mom always tells me that the best restaurants are the ones that are the busiest. I have adhered to her advice for years, and let me tell you that it has brought me to many a glorious McDonald's across our great land. With that run of success in mind, I was secretly glad that I had to stand at the “Please Wait to Be Seated” sign for 10 minutes before anyone came to seat me. I was a little confused since most of the tables were empty, but I didn’t see any waitresses the whole time, so they must have been busy in some other part of the restaurant that I wasn’t able to see from the entrance. Or where I sat. Or near the bathroom when I went to wash my hands. Come to think of it, it’s odd that the waitresses were so busy in a seemingly invisible section of the restaurant, but I’ll assume that they must have been occupied, because if you’ve got time to lean you’ve got time to clean, and the restaurant wasn’t very clean. Anyway, ignorance is bliss.

When I finally got to my table, I was immediately impressed with the restaurant’s musical selection. It’s easy for a restaurant to murder the atmosphere by trying to please everyone with the most vanilla option imaginable. Not this time- Chilis Too pleased its customers' eardrums with selections from Madonna’s best hits of the 1980s and some excellent GooGoo Dolls selections. When I eat a meal, I like for all of my senses to achieve satisfaction, so these kitchy cult hits were right up my alley. Kudos to the ad wizard who did such a phenomenal job of setting the scene for a similarly pleasing meal.

The waitress quickly came to my table to ask me what I wanted to drink, and I had a tough time answering her for two reasons. Not only was I still taking in all of the exciting surroundings, I was also smitten with her rumpled, haggard, slightly above-average appearance. One of her flair pieces was a picture of a kid who appeared to be her pre-teen son, but I have no problem with that. If I do get her number, it’s not like I’m going to be around long enough to have any responsibility with the kid, and the fact that she has the kid means she’s almost certainly available, loose, and semi-desperate. Needless to say, my mind continued to wander enough that she gave me some more time to start looking over my drink options.

[RIGHT- Don't tease me, woman!]

And look over the drink options I did! Who would have thought that an airport Chilis Too would have such a thrilling cocktail selection? I eventually settled on the Top Shelf Margarita because that’s how I roll- top shelf all the way, baby. I'm not talking about that weak ass rail shit; the Chilis Too Top Shelf Margarita is built on a strong foundation of the always delicious Jose Cuervo tequila. It’s one of my personal favorites. I only had one because I didn’t want to get drunk and belligerent before boarding my flight because my last trip to Hartford still haunts me. I’m trying to avoid any more black marks on my flying record.

On top of all of that, the menu, while somewhat abbreviated from the usual Chilis experience, was clearly put together by the expert chefs who were sent to Mexico to learn all of the recipes from the Chilis Pepperation afficianados. I opted for the Mesquite Chicken Salad. I had a hard time turning down the Chicken Crispers and the Southwest Bigmouth Burger, but travelling is hard on the gut, and even though it might be TMI, I don’t need any help from Chilis to be painfully constipated. That’s not a fate I want to impose on those in close quarters on the airplane. Still, the salad featured exquisite and fresh products from around the world- cilantro, black bean salsa, honey mustard dressing- a veritable cornucopia of the world’s finest dining.

As an experience, I rate Chilis Too as an 11 out of 10, because the 1-10 scale doesn’t do the big picture justice. My only regret is that I wasn’t there at night because I’m sure that the Chilis Too is bumpin for the afterhours crew, and I wish the waitress- who I maintain is a solid 6- could have finished her shift and joined me in the not mile high club. We could have solved the state secret of where the airport chose to stash their bathrooms. Who knows, maybe next time. I just know that I will be connecting to Houston wherever I am travelling next time, even if it’s Europe.

Activist Judges Curtail Freedom to Eat Disgusting Pseudofood

By Ned Melnick

DOVER- The judicial assault on freedom, liberty, individualism and the American Way continued this week when a radical leftwing judge struck down the formation of the Candwich company, a food retailer seeking to make it easier for everyone who is both a fan of sandwiches and heavily processed, canned foods to combine their passions. For those of you who have never seen a Candwich, it’s quite possibly the most American invention since the Hot Pocket- all the calories and carcinogens, but none of the burned tongues!

Candwich President Thomas Wright was a man with a dream. His dream was to convince people to give him gobs of money so he could live a lavish lifestyle without doing anything of any sort of substance. Between 2001 and 2009, Wright spent over $15 million of the $145 million he gathered from investors for personal expenses. Really, that amount is only slightly more than 10% of his total budget, and when quality sandwiches in a can are on the line, it would be absurd to ask the president of the company to live like anything less than a king. Great minds need to be catered to. That’s why we overlooked Benjamin Franklin and his underage French hookers, why we let Kennedy sleep with Marilyn Monroe and every other woman in the greater DC area in the 1960s, and why we turned a blind eye when Michael Steele burned through the RNC's budget in a crystal meth heartbeat. With an idea like Candwich, Wright deserved this same sort of treatment. It’s a freaking sandwich in a can. He doesn’t need a second act to prove his brilliance. What has Bill Gates invented since Windows? Nothing. But nobody cares. Candwich is far more delicious and revolutionary than any operating system that has ever been invented, so get off Wright’s back.

[RIGHT- "No, your honor, I don't think you understand. It's in a can. AND it's a sandwich. It's a fucking sandwich in a can! How can that be illegal?]

The crazy leftist judge who launched the attack on Wright and everything good that he stood for refused to even address the underlying issue of America’s lack of canned food and sandwiches. Supposedly, Wright told his investors that he was raising money for commercial real estate deals, and only spent $6 million of the money he raised on the types of ventures described in their contracts. The judge may have a point that the investors did not know what they were getting themselves into, but he should know as well as anyone that those peons don’t always do what is best for them. Sometimes, the simpletons that make up the general population need to be urged along by the great cattle prod of progress. Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built with funds raised for commercial real estate. If we adhere too strictly to the words of the contract, we will never get to the point where we don’t have to look in separate places to see canned food and a sandwich. Besides, it’s not like Candwich is that different than commercial real estate; Wright was just thinking ahead of the investors. If he had invested their money in grocery stores, restaurants, convenience stores, fast food joints, bakeries, delis, or pizza parlors, the investors would have had nothing to complain about. With Candwich, Wright would have made all of those enterprises unnecessary and antiquated. So in a way, he was actually doing what he told them he was going to do, but several years down the road.

The bigger problem in the court ruling is that it subverts the most fundamental rights upon which our country was founded. When James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, George Bush, and Samuel Adams got together to write the Constitution, they were focused primarily on three things: liberty, convenience, and deliciousness. Today, we know the Constitution as a living document because it has evolved to allow America to develop all sorts of innovations consistent with these principles in an ever changing world. For instance, the framers could never have anticipated that McDonalds would serve billions of Big Macs to patrons around the world, but they wrote the Constitution to specifically allow for Ray Kroc to try. Additionally, America has invented the Pop Tart, Diet Dr. Pepper, Lunchables, Stuffed Crust Pizza, the Five Buck Box, Gameday Lager, Chinese Food, KFC Extra Crispy Chicken, the KFC lunch buffet, the KFC Double Down and the KFC Famous Bowl. It’s in our very fabric as a nation to lead the way in Candwich technology. Are we going to outsource Candwich to India and have Tandoori Chicken on Garlic Naan in a can? Or will the Chinese lead the way with egg rolls in a can? All I can say is that I have seen plenty of pictures of Colonel Sanders, and he sure as hell ain’t have no slant eye.

Some lawyer types are probably trying to tell you that there is no fundamental right to can sandwiches in the Constitution and the government should be able to get up in that business. If you ask me, if the U.S. is going to stay out of your uterus, then I think it should also stay out of my can of ‘wich. Remember, just because something isn’t in the Constitution doesn’t mean that it isn’t a fundamental right with which the government cannot legally interfere. Just ask Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, whose decision in Heller v. District of Columbia established that the right to bear arms is a fundamental right because it is derived from the right of self-defense. Scalia says that the right of self-defense is fundamental because, as far as he can tell, it was really important to the founding fathers. Well I have never been so sure of anything as I am about the fact that the founding fathers held dear their hearts the fundamental right to can any and all foods. In their era, they didn’t have fancy inventions like refrigerators, walk-in freezers, or ice. They depended on canning for preservation, so they would be as proud as a stage mom at a NAMBLA convention if they ever saw a thing such as Candwich.

The time has come for America to reassert its dominance on a global scale, but it cannot be done if the activist court system continues to step on every innovation that enhances productivity. In the 1930s there was a thing in America called the Great Depression. In response, Primanti Brothers restaurant in Pittsburgh invented a sandwich with coleslaw and French fries between the two pieces of bread with the regular sandwich filling so workers could eat lunch while buying produce or driving a truck. Imagine how much more these workers were able to accomplish by not having to waste four minutes eating French fries. Now imagine how much worse the Great Depression would have been if the activist judges of that age got in the way of progress the way that judges are trying to do now. We are facing an economic malaise unlike any since the Great Depression, and we need to think outside the bun, just like the Primanti Brothers did in their era. Candwich is the solution we have needed. Candwich is the next phase of the American dream. Candwich is freedom.

Top "Apalooza’s" of All-Time

By Kermit Schneider

GREENWICH- The basketball world is agog with Lebronapalooza, as hoops star Lebron James chooses which city suits his quest for global stardom best. While Lebronapalooza has certainly captured the world’s imagination, fed it water and gruel, beaten it daily, and eventually made it respect the sheer rancor of its captor, it pales in comparison to some of the great Apaloozas of all the times. Today, we look back at some of the great Apaloozas of this generation and all that came before it.

Lollapalooza- No, I’m not talking about the giant lollipop that shares the same name; I’m talking about the 1990’s greatest music festival this side of the rioting mud people of Woodstock’s 25th anniversary. Lollapalooza was a jumping-off point for alternative rock acts like Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, Jane’s Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Tool. How these bands got famous in the first place is a mystery to me, because I don’t think any of them were in the Mickey Mouse club or had a parent who was well-connected in the music business. Back then, Disney didn’t have to sign off on every new musician before they were allowed to be played on the radio, and it resulted in some pretty grotesque situations, like Rage Against the Machine performing naked on stage, and Pearl Jam singing songs about school shootings. Who wants that? Not me- I just wanna take a ride on your disco stick (that’s a Lady Gaga reference for those of you who no habla real pop music).

In any case, Lollapalooza was mainly meant for freaks and geeks who couldn’t call in fast enough to get tickets for NKOTB or Salt-N-Pepa. Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell, the lead singer from Jane’s Addiction, said that the collective of fans who attended the event made up “Alternative Nation.” I don’t know why they would need an alternative nation when their original nation just bombed the shit out of Iraq in Desert Storm, but it wouldn’t be the first thing that put me at odds with Farrell. I mean, have you ever heard a Jane’s Addiction song? To say that he sings like the relentless braying of a stuck pick would be an insult to stuck pigs worldwide (although I doubt they would care since they are, after all, stuck pigs). I know Farrell had drug problems back in the day, but did he have to keep the recording gear rolling while he wailed in pain throughout his withdrawals in the rehab center’s deprivation chamber then set it to music and call the song Jane Says? My God, when that song comes on the radio, I start scratching my nails across a chalk board to drown out the sound. It makes me feel alive.

Another strike against Farrell is that he did not actually come up with the name Lollapalooza. In fact, Lollapalooza was used as a password during American military operations in the Pacific during World War II. The word identified American soldiers to one another, because they rightly assumed that the Japanese soldiers would have a hard time pronouncing the word. Sure enough, the Americans knew they had a spy on their hands every time they heard “Rorraparoora,” like the sound a dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Why they didn’t just tell the spy to drive a supply truck up the road the let him swerve into a tree and kill himself is unclear. It would have been an easier option.

Kabbalahpalooza- Every year, followers of the Jewish sect known as Kabbalah get together for the part-convention, part-celebration known as Kabbalahpalooza. In the past, Madonna performed at the opening ceremony as an adherent to the group, but in more recent years, she has been unable to fit her enormous veins in the convention center. Kabbalah is meant to explain the connection between the connection between the secular and the supernatural, so without doing any research at all I’m going to venture a guess that Kabbalahpalooza spends a lot of time playing with Ouija boards. One drawback to Kabbalahpalooza is that the food sucks. Two years ago, it was held in Kansas City so the Jewish people- who are divided between the coasts and never enter states that don’t border an ocean- could reach it easily. For Shame that they had a week long convention in Kansas City and never a spare rib nor a burnt end crossed the lips of a participant. For Shame! Oh well, more bottom feeders for the rest of us, I suppose. When they do manage to get decent food, like the high end catering at the Chicago convention four years ago, they alienate the caterers by refusing to leave a tip. “It’s part of the job” my ass. Those people worked hard to fill your gullet! On the other hand, at least Kabbalahpalooza is a very fun word to read. Just look at it: Kabbalahpalooza, so long, yet with such variation. It almost looks like a hieroglyphic. I will go so far as to say that Kabbalahpalooza is 80% as fun to read as M. Night Shyamalan is to say. That might be going too far. I’ll say 75%. Are we good? Good.


[RIGHT- Seriously, Madge, it's called eating. Heard of it? And if not, it's called sleeves. Heard of it? And if not, it's called not going out in public so I don't have to see your creepy, anorexic, Skeletor body. Heard of... nevermind.]

That brings me to a related point. Who decided that the suffix indicated a festival would be “apalooza” rather than just “palooza?” I don’t see the word Lollapalooza and think that “Loll” is the first significant part of the word and “apalooza” is the second significant part. It should be broken down into “Lolla” and “palooza.” That division keeps funny sounding derivations like Kabbalahpalooza intact, but it weeds out the pretenders to the throne like, Sherlock Holmes-apalooza, High Tech Jobs-apalooza, and ReUse-apalooza. Actually, I like ReUse-apalooza. Good job, City of Toledo Conservation Marketing Director. You have earned your middling salary.

LaLapalooza- Not to be confused with Lollapalooza, LaLapalooza is my nickname for the sure-to-be-decadent wedding reception when Denver Nuggets superstar Carmelo Anthony finally swaps vows with his longtime fiancée and MTV VJ LaLa Vasquez in the Big Apple. All of the stars are will be out on the red carpet that night when the A-Listers tie to proverbial knot. The only thing that could go wrong is if Melo inks the proposed contract extension with the Denver Nuggets before the wedding, because as everybody knows, homegirl don’t do Denver. Anthony owns a palatial estate in Littleton, Colorado, which is not exactly a hotbed for expat Puerto Ricans who relocated to Brooklyn to pursue a career in showbiz. Then again, when the top two items on your resume are a cameo in Morris Chetnut’s “Two Can Play That Game,” and a role as the host of the reunion show to “For the Love of Ray Jay,” maybe you suck it up and live wherever your man is making $65 million. Then, she can change the name of her party from LaLapalooza to Dollapalooza. Sounds like another column. Nice.

Psychologists: “Respect” influenced by gender

By Gerald Masterson

NEW YORK- A recent study at Penn State University revealed that men and women have very different conceptions of what it means to respect a member of the opposite sex. Women see respect as a principle that governs intellectual, emotional and interpersonal relationships while men are more prone to see respect as a means to a desired end. When asked to associate “respect” for the opposite sex with other words, women commonly responded with “understanding,” “equality,” and “honesty,” whereas men most often associated respect for women with “big boobs,” “long legs,” and “willing to experiment.”

The study, performed by Dr. Steven Goldblum and his associates, was intended to see of society’s perceptions of respect and gender square with realities in the home, the workplace, and in public at large. The study shows that female attitudes about respect have evolved to mirror the neo-liberal conception of social equality. As women have moved out of the home and into the workplace, male attitudes have regressed to a level commensurate with Neanderthal understandings of gender. The mid-20th century’s focus on child rearing and maintaining the home has been replaced with bare sexuality that exhibits the same type of survival and reproduction instincts most often found in jungle creates, dogs, and 14 year olds.
Dr. Goldblum explains that phenomenon goes beyond interpersonal relationships to the irrational projections of women that individual men do not even know. “The fact that men hold good looking women in higher regard in their personal lives is a sensible concept: we have been conditioned as human animals to be attracted to certain markers of fertility and general reproductive ability- such as a curvaceous body and good skin. Therefore, men attempt to curry good favor with this type of woman because they intuitively understand that it is a method of perpetuating their blood line,” Dr. Goldblum explained. “But men also project this attitude onto women who they no chance of ever meeting, let alone having sex with. Why would it matter if a TV news anchor was good looking? Men have collectively developed a bizarre delusion that they have to respect attractive women more than ugly ones.”

Goldblum went on to further explain the phenomenon by using a sports metaphor. He explained cited the baseball rule that a tie goes to a runner on plays at a base that are too close to call for the umpire. He said that men apply a similar idea in their analysis of women. If a woman is debatably intelligent, funny, or otherwise good at her job, they will default to a positive evaluation if and only if she is attractive. Goldblum points out that this logical fallacy breaks down in two places: first, that men make these calculations for women who they have no chance of ever meeting, so the positive opinion is pointless. Second, he points out that even if the man ever did encounter the woman, the fact that he had a positive opinion of her before they ever met would have no bearing on whether she would want to have sex with him, so the tiebreaker as about as effective as a bicycle for a fish.

[LEFT- Fans agree that Leggero's funniest performance is the one where she wore that really low cut shirt.]

Males’ fallacious evaluation of female value is apparent through several examples of popular celebrities. For instance, popular ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews enjoys wild popularity in her profession and as a sex symbol, even appearing on the show Dancing With the Stars. A survey of 100 male Erin Andrews fans showed that every fan said that Andrews rates as either “Above Average” or “Excellent” in her job performance, regardless of her performance. Nonetheless, not a single respondent could cite one piece of useful information she has ever expressed in one of her reports or sideline interviews, but several pointed out that they hate how Rick Sutcliffe always hits on her during her reports- you know, because if he’s going to have sex with her, then their chances of getting with her diminish from 0.00000000001% to some number slightly smaller than that.
Comedienne Natasha Leggero, a judge on the show Last Comic Standing, is another germane example. A recent market analysis indicated that Leggero had more male fans than there are males who have ever seen her perform live, watched her on television, or heard her tell jokes in some other medium. Furthermore, none of her self-identified fans could recall any of her jokes, or even what her general style of comedy is.

Dr. Goldblum also points out that the most dangerous application of this principle is in politics. He notes that Republicans have recently come to understand that they can win seats by nominating attractive women to run for office, with the most notable example being Sarah Palin. "Most people don't care about politicians' beliefs anyway, so when there is a nice smile or cleavage staring back at them from the ballot, men are exceptionally prone to saying 'good enough' to a candidate who is anything but," Goldblum said.

[RIGHT- WWE Diva Maryse doesn't artificially benefit in her profession becaues of her appearance because her appearance is the only item in the job description.]

One instance in which the “tie goes to the hot chick” rule falls through is in sports, where there is an objective method of performance evaluation. Whereas fans can appreciate Andrews and Legerro without having to demonstrate that their performance is in any way useful or positive, fans of attractive female athletes have to cope with the reality that their heroines are wildly unsuccessful. Danica Patrick’s protestations to her dedication and competitive spirit in her commercials, there is a record book that shows that she has never finished above 30th out of 43 cars in her career as a minor league NASCAR driver. Before Patrick, Anna Kournikova experienced a similar downfall. Despite a string of years as the most popular player in women’s tennis, she never won a singles tournament, and her success seemed to wane has her popularity waxed. Eventually, she was out of the sport entirely, leaving fans to realize that when she wasn’t a hot tennis player, she was just a somewhat hot normal woman.

The one profession that has successfully negotiated the relationship between sexuality and success is professional wrestling. Since the WWE scripts its results, fans can cheer for the hottest looking female wrestler, and the writers can script her to win every match. Therefore, there is no disconnect between attractiveness and performance. In fact, there is a record of objective results that seem to demonstrate that the better looking woman is actually more successful. Dr. Goldblum cites wrestling as the most efficient expression of male respect for women, as the schism between the woman being good at something and the opinion of wanting to have sex with her does not exist. Nonetheless, Goldblum points out that wrestling fans are even less likely than the population at large of ever meeting or having sex with the women they idolize, so the enterprise remains mental (and literal) masturbation.

Floyd Landis relents, agrees with rest of world that cycling is overrun with steroids

By Oliver Willent

SONOMA- Floyd Landis, the disgraced 2006 winner of the Tour de France, admitted Wednesday that his career has been a sham, smothered in lies, and tinged with a demi-glace of fraudulence. Landis was stripped of the Tour championship months after his victorious cruise down the Champs-Élysées due to a test that revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. After years of denials, lengthy courtroom battles, a vehement memoir, and countless puerile tantrums, Landis finally changed his tune and acknowledged that he used performance enhancing drugs throughout his ascent to the top of the cycling world.

Specifically, Landis, who looks like a grown up version of Dennis the Menace, admitted that he used Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, the blood-doping agent EPO, and female hormones to mask the other drugs in drug tests. When asked how he would describe this cocktail of performance enhancers, former baseball MVP and noted juicehead Jose Canseco responded, “Breakfast.” Canseco went on to say that Landis was off to a good start, he knew some people who could really help the cycler take his game to the next level. Although it immediately sounded as though Canseco was referring to upping the dosage on Landis’ drug regimen, it turned out that he was referring to their mutual interest in being campy, D-List celebrity attention whores.

[RIGHT- Landis the Menace sips on a glass of testosterone-rich llama piss.]

Landis initially gained notoriety when he raced several stages of the Tour de France with a broken collarbone sustained in a crash, and closed in on the lead by scaling the tallest mountain on the course with no teammates around him off of whom he could draft. In retrospect, this scene probably should have been the equivalent of a positive steroid test, but the World Anti-Doping Agency remains steadfast with its policy that only a positive test, an obviously larger skull, or a refusal to take a test for unclear religious reasons even though the refusal would jeopardize a $40 million payday in a prizefight with Floyd Mayweather would be definitive proof of PED use.

In addition to his own admission, Landis pointed a hairy, acne-covered finger at some of his teammates and competitors in United States cycling. Specifically, Landis indicated that cycling legend Lance Armstrong, as well as George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer used blood doping and testosterone boosting techniques to beat the competition. Landis went on to explain that Hincapie and Leipheimer are real people, not cartoonish detectives from an 80s buddy cop movie who get called in to replace the protagonists when they anger the chief by stepping over the line one too many times, as they’re goony names would indicate.

The least startling of Landis’ allegations was the accusation that Lance Armstrong is also a steroid user. Armstrong, for those of you who have been deluding yourself with Nike’s ad campaign, was a mediocre cyclist who was diagnosed with testicular cancer, was weakened near death through treatment, and returned to dominate a sport in which everyone uses steroids. Yet Landis argued the unthinkable- that Armstrong also used steroids in his quest to pedal even faster. Landis gave examples of times that he and Armstrong discussed different masking agents to cover up the presence of elevated testosterone levels in drug tests, and said that he and other cyclists stored bags full of oxygen-enriched blood in a refrigerator in Armstrong’s Spanish apartment. The latter accusation is easily explained by the fact that Armstrong survives by drinking the oxygen-enriched blood of others, but the former is a new revelation to add to the ledger of questionable activity. First, he tested positive for a steroidal agent after the 1999 Tour, but produced a note from his personal physician which allowed him to compete while on the steroid legally. Since that time, there have been numerous reports of PED paraphernalia and accusations by trainers and confidants, none of which has dampened Armstrong’s popularity, at least in the eyes of Matthew McConaughey.

[LEFT- Armstrong shows off that it's not just a clever name after removing the yellow jersey.]

In response, Armstrong denied the allegations and insisted that Landis should not be trusted. "It's his word versus ours ... we like our word, we like our credibility," Armstrong told reporters before starting Thursday’s leg of the Tour of California. Many observers found it interesting that Armstrong would invoke the mantle of credibility after effusively praising his wife and crediting her for his return from testicular cancer then leaving her for Sheryl Crowe when he became famous, then subsequently breaking up with Crowe when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nonetheless, Armstrong remains an American hero; a self-absorbed, lying, cheating American hero with a Messiah complex- sort of like Barry Bonds, but white.

Although he was unavailable for comment, God weighed in on the situation during Thursday’s stage of the aforementioned Tour of California race when Armstrong inexplicably crashed his bike, leaving him unable to complete the race.