Unbalanced, Once-Famous Starlet Agrees to Become Judge on Floundering Televised Singing Competition

A Press Release Template for the Annual Revolving Door of Reality Judges

HOLLYWOOD- Kevin Goldsmith, President of a [major television network], announced today that the network had reached an agreement with [the pop diva] to become a judge on its [reality singing show]. Goldsmith said he believes that, “everyone deserves a second-chance,” and that he feels that the troubled star has put her checkered past behind her.

The multiplatinum singer did not appear at the press conference, but she briefly addressed reporters through a conference call, telling them that she was excited for the opportunity to work with such a popular franchise. “Yay! I am so thrilled to be joining [the show]!” she told reporters during her brief remarks. She did not confirm that [her predecessor] would be leaving the show to star in a remake of [a popular 1980s romantic comedy], but observers felt that the newest addition to the panel meant that the writing was on the wall.

[The singer's] 2010 mugshot after a DUI arrest.
All charges were dropped.

The singer’s representatives said that the show will offer her a chance at redemption after several years of professional missteps. In 2009, she had a well-publicized meltdown in a hotel lobby that caused many of her fans to question her psychological well-being. In 2010, she had to cancel a leg of her European tour due to exhaustion and dehydration, though many journalists speculated that she may have been dealing with a drug problem behind the scenes.

Nonetheless, the partnership could be a launching pad for both parties. [The show], which used to enjoy blockbuster ratings, saw its market share dip substantially last season after the departure of two of its long-time hosts. With more competition than ever, producers felt they had to make a splash. The addition of [the fiery diva] will certainly make headlines, but it remains to be seen whether she will have the on-air chemistry with the other judges that will draw viewers to the show.

[The show] will not be [the singer’s] first foray into reality television. Many viewers will remember the star’s short-lived foray into the genre that followed her during the lead-up to her wedding to [egocentric professional athlete]. The show suffered through abysmal ratings, and was canceled after the engagement broke off months before the couple exchanged nuptials.

Many of the diva’s most ardent fans were thrilled with the news that she would be joining the show in the fall, including [the show’s androgynous, bubbly host].  Shortly after the news broke, he took to Twitter, saying: “Super pumped to hear [singer] is joining us in the fall!!!!” and “Luv u and can’t wait to C you on set!!! Going 2 b Epic!!”

Terms of the star’s contract were not released, but there were rumors that she may be compensated as much as $15 million for her first year, with escalators in salary if she is asked to come back for future seasons. The salary does not account for her famous rider, which includes a request for brand new slippers, three bottles of Dom Perignon champagne, and 144 chocolate-dipped strawberries in her dressing room after every show. Also, the show promises to give [the singer] free publicity for her new album “[synonym for redemption],” due out early next year.

Notes on the Republican Nomination Campaign

By Liz Elizabeth, former VP of Programming for the CW Network

With the first few weeks of the 2011 fall TV season in the books, it has become obvious that the Republican Presidential Nomination Campaign is the season’s biggest smash hit. Like American Idol and Who Wants to be a Millionaire before it, the GOP Campaign has seamlessly blended the drama of a high stakes contest with the emotional levity of real life. Already this year, we have seen the passionate crowds boo a gay soldier and cheer executions. The storylines are so intense, it’s like Days of Our Lives on steroids! No wait, that’s pro wrestling, but this has been almost as good.

No matter how fast it comes out of the gate, every show has to adapt to keep viewers interested. If the writers keep trotting out the same old storylines about social security and health insurance, the public will be sure to switch back to The Real Housewives faster than you can say “Town Hall Style Debate.” With that in mind, I have a few notes for the GOP Primary producers.

Immunity Challenges

My first suggestion is a tried and true moneymaker in reality shows like this one- the immunity challenge. Ever since Survivor grabbed the game show conch more than a decade ago, the immunity challenge has been a staple of elimination-based programming. The beauty of immunity challenges is that they can change from week to week to keep from becoming predictable. Maybe one week, all of the Republican Presidential candidates will have to stand one-footed on a small platform above a pit full of snakes and bugs. Or maybe the candidates will have to kayak across a lake, only to discover a 100-foot rope ladder on the other side that they have to climb to capture the immunity idol. You'll have to tune in to find out! You never know what kind of task they’ll have to compete, but you know you’ll be getting their best effort, because the loser automatically makes it through the next state’s primary. Move over TNT- it looks like the GOP knows drama!

[RIGHT- The Black Eyed Peas will be performing as musical guests at the next Republican Presidential Debate, as well as 14 other new fall TV shows.]

Lifelines
Even though everyone laughs at the occasional high profile gaffe, America is still a country that likes a winner. We want to get behind a capable leader and cheer for him or her as they ascend to the top. With that in mind, if we insist on grilling the candidates on such arcane subjects as foreign policyand history, it might make sense to give them better odds at getting things right. For example, everyone turned on Sarah Palin in the last election because she couldn’t name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade. It would have made better TV if Katie Couric had asked her which of the following was a Supreme Court case: (a) Kramer v. Kramer, (b) Man v. Food, (c) Plessy v. Ferguson, or (d) Versus Sports Network. If she still wasn’t sure, she could have polled the audience, or asked for the always pithy advice of Whoopi Goldberg in the center square. The way I see it, that format kills three birds with one stone: it gets the audience rooting for the candidate to increase emotional investment, it keeps the interview focused and on point, and it eliminates the silly gotcha question that only serves to give Michael Moore material for his next socialist propaganda rag (that’s why I like to call him the lefty Leni Reifenstahl). In other words, it’s a win win win. Or maybe a win win win win. I lost count.

Love Triangle
While the Sarah Palin-Glenn Rice intrigue might be enough sexual tension to pique the interest of that tiny minority of the party that approves of interracial relationships, it wouldn’t hurt to spice up the rest of the campaign. Now I’m not suggesting that they re-write the central plot of the campaign- the program will sink or swim on the strength of the Romney-Perry story no matter what-, but the Ron Paul Revolution is lagging as a C story arc. If it came out that he and Jon Huntsman had gone around the block with Michelle Bachman in the swingin’ 80s, everything would get a little bit zestier. Instead of reaching for the remote the next time he starts droning about the flat tax, the public can look forward to the sexually-motivated digs between the three of them. Maybe Bachman can tell Paul that he doesn’t “measure up” as a candidate. Maybe that’s a little too on the nose, but I’m not a writer. I’m just spitballing here.

Before I wrap things up, I should point out that I’m not a "political expert" per se. Still, if the Republicans want to keep their ratings up and get renewed for next year, they could do a lot worse than talking to me. After all, I’m the one who greenlighted phenomena like In Harm’s Way and Easy Money for the CW Network, so I think I know a thing or two about edgy, reality-based programming. By following this simple formula, the Republicans can accomplish the time-tested goal of being exactly like everything else that is on TV.

That, or they could just start talking about half of them are mormons.