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IOWA CITY- Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain faced allegations of several incidents of sexual harassment over the last week, spiking support for the candidate in the weeks leading up to the Iowa straw poll. The allegations stem from the time Mr. Cain spent as the head of the National Restaurant Alliance and relate to inappropriate comments, unwanted sexual advances on female coworkers, and other behaviors that make him look even more presidential in the eyes of his supporters.
Pollsters noted that Cain latched onto a central tent of his ideology- persistent denigration of women- to galvanize his political base at a time when much of the Republican Party felt like there was no stand-out candidate in the field. “Mr. Cain seized a golden opportunity by allowing these allegations to surface at a time when so many of his opponents seem to be stuck in the mud,” said Felix Prosser of Gallup. “While some people across the country see sexual harassment as immoral, illegal, and indicative of bad character, the GOP has consistently responded positively to a man who can take charge and refuses to take no for an answer.”
Mr. Prosser went on to note that whatever damage the allegations have done to Mr. Cain among the group of voters characterized as “women who do not like having their asses slapped” is more than made up f
or by huge gains among “bitches just trying to get attention,” and “broads who were asking for it.” Additionally, when asked who they would support in a head-to-head matchup between Mr. Cain getting blown under a desk and Mr. Cain not getting blown under a desk, 87.5% of registered Republican voters opted for the former.[LEFT- A young Herman Cain, or shall I say, Leon Phelps. NOT PICTURED: His bottle of Courvoisier.]
For his part, Mr. Cain claims to have learned his lesson from recent events on the campaign trail. “My grandmamma told me when I was a youngin to stick to what I know,” Mr. Cain told reporters gathered outside his campaign bus yesterday. “Now maybe I was out of line to bet talking about this 9-9-9 tax mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to leave the taxes to the accountants with all their calculators and pocket protectors. But there are three things I know, and they’re pizza, being president, and slappin’ asses. I’ve already done two of those things, now who’s gonna help me do the third?”
Critics across the aisle have pointed out that there is a touch of hypocrisy in the Republican enthusiasm for sexual harassment barely a decade after President Clinton was impeached for lying about his own White House affair. Republican strategists, however, point out that they were in favor of President Clinton’s dalliances all along, but were frustrated that they were not the party that would forever be remembered for getting Oval Office head. They also believed that Clinton showed very non-presidential pussy-whippedness by trying to cover up his affair, something that Republicans never do.
For all of Mr. Cain’s supporters, there are also many Republicans who feel that the sexual harassment allegations would have benefitted other candidates more. For instance, allegations of sexual harassment against Mitt Romney would have allayed public fears that he is too Mormon, and would have shown that he is not nearly as much of a sissy as he often appears on the campaign trail. Michelle Bachman, at a campaign stop this week in Des Moines, answered the allegations against Mr. Cain by calling him a bandwagon harasser. “Mr. Cain thinks he can win over voters by trotting out women who he hit on years ago, but he is late to the game. I have been making unwanted sexual advances to my husband, Marcus Bachman, since before we were even married!”
Dark horse candidate Ron Paul also chipped in that he, “killed several women on welfare in the ‘80s, because I just don’t think it’s the government’s role to be paying for these expensive entitlements.”
For his part, Mr. Cain claims to have learned his lesson from recent events on the campaign trail. “My grandmamma told me when I was a youngin to stick to what I know,” Mr. Cain told reporters gathered outside his campaign bus yesterday. “Now maybe I was out of line to bet talking about this 9-9-9 tax mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to leave the taxes to the accountants with all their calculators and pocket protectors. But there are three things I know, and they’re pizza, being president, and slappin’ asses. I’ve already done two of those things, now who’s gonna help me do the third?”
Critics across the aisle have pointed out that there is a touch of hypocrisy in the Republican enthusiasm for sexual harassment barely a decade after President Clinton was impeached for lying about his own White House affair. Republican strategists, however, point out that they were in favor of President Clinton’s dalliances all along, but were frustrated that they were not the party that would forever be remembered for getting Oval Office head. They also believed that Clinton showed very non-presidential pussy-whippedness by trying to cover up his affair, something that Republicans never do.
For all of Mr. Cain’s supporters, there are also many Republicans who feel that the sexual harassment allegations would have benefitted other candidates more. For instance, allegations of sexual harassment against Mitt Romney would have allayed public fears that he is too Mormon, and would have shown that he is not nearly as much of a sissy as he often appears on the campaign trail. Michelle Bachman, at a campaign stop this week in Des Moines, answered the allegations against Mr. Cain by calling him a bandwagon harasser. “Mr. Cain thinks he can win over voters by trotting out women who he hit on years ago, but he is late to the game. I have been making unwanted sexual advances to my husband, Marcus Bachman, since before we were even married!”
Dark horse candidate Ron Paul also chipped in that he, “killed several women on welfare in the ‘80s, because I just don’t think it’s the government’s role to be paying for these expensive entitlements.”
