Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

“Principal for a Day” Program Goes Horribly Awry

By Parker Wallace

COLUMBUS- The “Principal for a Day” Program at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School in northeastern Columbus was derailed on Tuesday when it was discovered that 6-year old Tommy Warrick was woefully underqualified. After winning the honor for coming in first place in his 1st grade spelling bee, Warrick was completely overwhelmed by the complex administrative and personnel duties that the usual principal, Maureen Jackson, deals with every day.

Warrick began the day of abject failure by arriving later than is customary for the principal. While Principal Jackson would normally get to school between 6:30 and 7 A.M., Warrick did not arrive until approximately 7:55 A.M, only minutes before the school’s bell was set to ring. As a result, secretary Norma Flynn had to arrange coverage for two absent teachers, field over 20 phone calls from parents, dispatch a janitor to fix a broken faucet in the girl’s bathroom, and monitor the staff sign-in sheet with no assistance. When an exasperated Flynn asked Warrick if there was any reason for his late arrival, the child unsympathetically brushed aside her concern, saying that, “this is the time my mom always drops me off.”

The situation became even worse for Flynn when she asked Warrick what he wanted to drink. Jackson customarily drinks hot tea in the morning, but occasionally prefers coffee with cream and Splenda. Instead, Warrick told Flynn that he wanted orange juice. When he was informed that the office only had coffee and tea prepared, he said that he “does not like coffee and tea,” and “wants orange juice.” Flynn interpreted the request as a directive from a superior and left the school to drive to the nearest 7-11 and purchase a bottle of orange juice with her own money. From there, the monumental failure of Warrick's administration would only deepen.

[LEFT- If only Warrick had taken his responsibility as seriously as last year's Principal for a Day, Peter Filstrom, perhaps this mammoth catastrophe could have been averted.]

Flynn’s momentary absence left an administrative hole in the main office for which Warrick was not able to compensate. At 8:30 A.M., Jennifer Baggerly, the K-3 music teacher arrived at the main office during her prep period with Dan Stephens, a staff representative for the National Educators Association. Principal Jackson had scheduled a disciplinary meeting with Baggerly to discuss her inappropriate use of sick days for personal leave. Since Baggerly had received previous coaching on the subject, the meeting was intended to progress her discipline to a last chance agreement, thus requiring representation from her union. While Jackson prefers to deal with disciplinary matters in a factual and non-confrontational fashion, Warrick’s management style proved to be substantially less advanced. When Baggerly and Stephens entered the office for their meeting, he was hiding under the desk with chairs set up to enclose himself in a fort. He then told Baggerly that she “smells like cats,” and refused to come out from under the desk. When told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss Baggerly’s use of sick leave, he said “grandma’s sick and she smells like cats too.” At that point, an exasperated Stephens requested that the meeting be rescheduled and left the office, adding another catastrophe to Warrick's short resume.

The next two hours were quiet, as Flynn managed the office affairs while Warrick figured out how to log onto Jackson’s computer and distracted himself by watching videos of people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on YouTube. The peacefulness was disturbed when beloved lunchroom supervisor Dorothy Tabin entered the office to check in for her shift. When Warrick saw Tabin, he ran out from behind his desk and hugged her leg. When she said she needed him to let go because it was unprofessional and she needed to go to the lunchroom, he continued to hold on and squeezed even tighter. Tabin has since contacted an attorney and said that she plans on suing Warrick and the school district for sexual harassment and for creating a work environment in which she feels uncomfortable. When contacted, the school district had no comment on the subject.

In the afternoon, Warrick became angry when he learned that the principal does not get a break for recess. He saw many of his classmates playing kickball on the fields outside the school and told Flynn that he was going to play with them. When Flynn reminded him that his signature was required to approve dozens of expense reports, Warrick became irritated and threw the folder full of reports on the floor, scattering several hours’ worth of receipt collation. It was one of the most petulant administrative acts anyone had seen since the former 6th grade basketball coach, Mr. Harris, kicked over a water cooler after a referee called his star player for traveling.

Finally, Warrick finished the day by failing miserably at a budget committee meeting at the school district’s downtown headquarters. He started by backing Jackson’s car into two separate parked cars in the parking lot, then hit and ran several more vehicles on the 10-minute drive to the headquarters. He eventually arrived without the presentation on Hayes Elementary’s cutbacks proposal that was required for the meeting, which meant that the school’s budget would automatically revert to the control of the city council. Once again, Warrick’s wanton fiscal and administrative irresponsibility resulted in a management nightmare for Hayes Elementary.

As a result of Warrick’s abysmal performance as principal for a day, the school is contemplating altering the rules of the contest going forward. For example, under one proposed rule change, any student who wins the award would have to undergo a 30-minute tutorial on being a principal before assuming total control of the school.

Herman Cain and the Sexual Harassment Boom

By Howard Templeton

IOWA CITY- Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain faced allegations of several incidents of sexual harassment over the last week, spiking support for the candidate in the weeks leading up to the Iowa straw poll. The allegations stem from the time Mr. Cain spent as the head of the National Restaurant Alliance and relate to inappropriate comments, unwanted sexual advances on female coworkers, and other behaviors that make him look even more presidential in the eyes of his supporters.

Pollsters noted that Cain latched onto a central tent of his ideology- persistent denigration of women- to galvanize his political base at a time when much of the Republican Party felt like there was no stand-out candidate in the field. “Mr. Cain seized a golden opportunity by allowing these allegations to surface at a time when so many of his opponents seem to be stuck in the mud,” said Felix Prosser of Gallup. “While some people across the country see sexual harassment as immoral, illegal, and indicative of bad character, the GOP has consistently responded positively to a man who can take charge and refuses to take no for an answer.”

Mr. Prosser went on to note that whatever damage the allegations have done to Mr. Cain among the group of voters characterized as “women who do not like having their asses slapped” is more than made up for by huge gains among “bitches just trying to get attention,” and “broads who were asking for it.” Additionally, when asked who they would support in a head-to-head matchup between Mr. Cain getting blown under a desk and Mr. Cain not getting blown under a desk, 87.5% of registered Republican voters opted for the former.

[LEFT- A young Herman Cain, or shall I say, Leon Phelps. NOT PICTURED: His bottle of Courvoisier.]

For his part, Mr. Cain claims to have learned his lesson from recent events on the campaign trail. “My grandmamma told me when I was a youngin to stick to what I know,” Mr. Cain told reporters gathered outside his campaign bus yesterday. “Now maybe I was out of line to bet talking about this 9-9-9 tax mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to leave the taxes to the accountants with all their calculators and pocket protectors. But there are three things I know, and they’re pizza, being president, and slappin’ asses. I’ve already done two of those things, now who’s gonna help me do the third?”

Critics across the aisle have pointed out that there is a touch of hypocrisy in the Republican enthusiasm for sexual harassment barely a decade after President Clinton was impeached for lying about his own White House affair. Republican strategists, however, point out that they were in favor of President Clinton’s dalliances all along, but were frustrated that they were not the party that would forever be remembered for getting Oval Office head. They also believed that Clinton showed very non-presidential pussy-whippedness by trying to cover up his affair, something that Republicans never do.

For all of Mr. Cain’s supporters, there are also many Republicans who feel that the sexual harassment allegations would have benefitted other candidates more. For instance, allegations of sexual harassment against Mitt Romney would have allayed public fears that he is too Mormon, and would have shown that he is not nearly as much of a sissy as he often appears on the campaign trail. Michelle Bachman, at a campaign stop this week in Des Moines, answered the allegations against Mr. Cain by calling him a bandwagon harasser. “Mr. Cain thinks he can win over voters by trotting out women who he hit on years ago, but he is late to the game. I have been making unwanted sexual advances to my husband, Marcus Bachman, since before we were even married!”

Dark horse candidate Ron Paul also chipped in that he, “killed several women on welfare in the ‘80s, because I just don’t think it’s the government’s role to be paying for these expensive entitlements.”