Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

Let's show some respect for David Carradine's family

By Geraldo de Vincennes

BANGKOK- American actor David Carradine, 72, of Kung Fu and Kill Bill fame, was found dead, hanged in the closet of a Thai hotel earlier this week. The media's rush to bring shame to Carradine's family name has been nothing short of a disgrace. Offering salacious postulates about the cause of Carradine's death is irresponsible journalism, and I'm here to set the record straight. Carradine choked to death in a dangerous sexual practice known as auto-erotic asphyxiation, or its more popular name: strangle-bating.

Far from the humiliating stories told by reporters, auto-erotic asphyxiation is a time-honored method of treating erectile dysfunction. Executioners in the 17th century noticed that the condemned often had erections after being hanged, and applied that method to the living in order to increase sexual performance. It is unfair to condemn Carradine for using the ancient apothecary's version of Extenze.

Carradine's case is far less sensational than previous deaths by erotic asphyxiation, so there is really no need to dramatize his death with such salacious details. For instance, Sada Abe, a Japanese housewife, killed her husband in 1936 through erotic asphyxiation and proceeded to cut off his testicles and carry them around in her purse for several days before the police discovered them. If Carradine's testicles turn up in the handbag of a Thai lady-boy in the next few days, there may be a story. But in the meantime, let the man rest in peace.

Trying to hurt the feelings of Carradine's widow and two children through unfounded speculation is unfair and immoral. These are the facts: Carradine was found in Bangkok hotel closet with a curtain rope around his neck and genitals. Stop disgracing his family by calling it a suicide or raising allegations of foul play. This man was involved in deviant sexual practices, nothing more, nothing less.

[RIGHT- Carradine deriving minimal pleasure from having something tied around his neck.]

There is no reason to drag this great actor's name through the mud. Stop all of the idle speculation, even if his divorce papers from his previous marriage indicate a long history of life-threatening sexual deviancy and an incestuous relationship with a close family member. The Bible says that he who is without sin can cast the first stone, so let me ask all of you, who hasn't had a romantically incestuous relationship with a close family member?

Fox News, reporting with their usual candor and journalistic integrity, blamed financial difficulty, accusing Carradine of being a big spender. In reality, auto-erotic asphyxiation kills between 500-1000 people every year in the United States, and countless more experience euphoric joy from the practice, according to Dr. Eli Cole of the University of Minnesota.

[LEFT- An instruction manual for the popular sex toy.]

When contacted for comment on the death of her Kill Bill co-star, Uma Thurman claimed she was not surprised, and cited several instances of hearing strange noises when walking by Carradine's trailer, as well as choke-marks on his neck during most days of shooting. In a phone interview, brother Keith Carradine gasped, “uggghhhggrrllll” before losing consciousness, bringing an abrupt end to the interview.

Carradine joins a long list of famous strangle-baters, including Michael Hutchence of INXS, Frederick Nietzsche, and former President Jimmy Carter. Carter made waves in the 1970s for advocating strangle-bating in sex-ed classes for adolescents as an alternative to pre-marital sex. He recently mentioned on a radio show that if Bristol Palin had erotically asphyxiated her penis-like oversized clitoris, she could have avoided becoming a teen mother.

Roxana Saberi perilously close to freedom

By Sebastien Marachino, I

[LEFT- A possible photo of Saberi at a pro-life rally in Denver, 2001]

TEHRAN- Beware Citizens! Iran has freed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi, allowing her to reenter the seedy, God-less, and wicked world of Islam-pionage. The Danger to worldwide liberty stands at an All-Time High.

Plugged-in experts tell this journalist that Hurricane Roxana could wreak havoc that would make the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans look like child's play. Anonymous sources confirm that she has already enlisted famine and war to fuel her spying empire, and officials in the Department of Pestilence say that their plague may not be far behind.

Needless to say, today is high time for fleeing for the hills, going off the grid, and encrypting your personal information. Economists estimate that the financial loss of another Saberi espionage attack could suck four to six trillion USD out of the world economy, a pernicious loss at a time when the world economy is struggling to produce enough potatoes to feed Ireland.

Saberi, whose sentence was commuted but whose conviction was upheld, is the vilest type of spy known to this world- she plays two sides against one another. She has worked for the state-sponsored government mouthpiece NPR as well as the subversively rebellious Fox News Channel within a period of a few short years. Now, she appears to be in bed with Iranian president and noted opponent of freedom Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who petitioned the courts to free the woman he affectionately referred to as “Roxy” in official state documents. In the past, Ahmadinejad has spoken out in favor of racism, mold, and unHappiness, and recently drew the ire of critics for condemning Progress and rainbows. His developing alignment with super-spy Saberi promises to further diminish his waning credibility, at least until oil prices shoot up over the summer.

When asked for comment, U.S. president Barack Obama offered his tired platitudes about the virtues of freedom, predictably trying to assuage the well-warranted fear of everyone who does not want to die a horrifically painful death in the very near future. Obam

a's support for Saberi's freedom furthers some skeptics' claims that he harbors anarcho-syndicalist tendencies and a latent death wish for the American nation-state as we know it.

[RIGHT- Saberi's past espionage allegedly alerted some French guys in funny hats that Muslims are susceptible to trampling by white horses. Photo by contributor and Renaissance artist Antoinne-Jean Gros.]

At press time, it remained unclear what traumatic experience elicited Saberi's conversion to pure sadism. She grew up in the cradle of democracy in America's upper-Midwest region, winning the coveted Miss North Dakota award before deciding to use her powers for evil.

Speculators have proffered explanations ranging from a UFO abduction to a possible cybernetic experiment gone horribly wrong. But one fact remains clear, the world is in grave Danger.