A hilarious misunderstanding in Iran

By Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki

TEHRAN- The world media has had a field day over the last couple of weeks reporting on alleged “widespread violence” and so-called “rioting in the streets” of Tehran in response to questionable election results that consolidated the power of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But as Iran's Foreign Minister, I can assure you that it has all just been a hilarious misunderstanding- a happy coincidence, if you will. So please, media, just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

You see, the Iranian Presidential Election took place last week, and everyone seems to think that it had something to do with all of the people you see in the streets on television. It's a fair mistake- I may have made the same judgment myself if I was not here to witness it. In reality, this week also marked a big week in World Cup qualifying for Iranian soccer, and you Americans know how crazy the rest of the world gets about soccer. Also, Iranian school just let out last week, so we have soccer hooligans and our version of college spring breakers all converging on the street at the same time. It has nothing to do with Mr. Ahmadinejad's reelection, I assure you. I promise that nobody is dead. You want statistics? Why not just take my word? It's much stronger than statistics.

[RIGHT- A couple of soccer hooligans doing some crazy soccer celebration. Those guys have such a wild good time.]

Twitter posts are used as proof that there is a bloody government crackdown, but you can't trust anything under 140 characters to express the subtlety and nuance of political dialogue. It's too easy to take the posts out of context. Let me give you an example. A recent Tweet coming from the streets of Tehran read: “They're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets!” Now, I found that Twitter user and gently encouraged her to complete that statement. In total, it should have read: “[The other soccer team is far superior to ours. What a shame. In this game,] they're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets [to encourage the rowdy hooligans to peacefully disperse after a frustrating loss].”

If you ask me, all the hubbub is nothing more than a few Americans trying to feel better about their own electoral irregularities. Think about it- America is supposed to be the beacon of freedom and democracy for the rest of the world. But in the last 10 years, the country has had an election decided by the Supreme Court for the candidate with fewer votes, that same candidate getting reelected by telling everyone that only he could save them from the marching armies of married faeries, then another candidate win after being hand-picked by the media to beat out a ditsy beauty queen's slutty, soap opera family. And if you think back a little further, you will recall the excessive use of police force in the Los Angeles riots in the early 1990s, as well as in the race demonstrations of the 1960s. Clearly, the American media is ashamed of these parts of American history, so they try to make it look like Iran has the market cornered on violent riot dispersal. If anything, you should be proud that Iran is finally emulating America instead of burning its flag. Really, a few Iranians invited a few (thousand) of their friends to a party in the streets, and it got a little louder and wilder than anyone expected. No big deal. It's not like anyone is being lynched. Actually, don't quote me on that.

[LEFT- That's not a missile, that's a, uhh, loudspeaker. Yes, a loudspeaker! To broadcast messages of freedom!]

Sometimes, the government encourages tourists to return to prove that an area is stable. After Hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans government urged people to come back to the city to boost its sagging tourist industry and help inject some revenue into the recovery effort. You may expect me to invite you to come visit Tehran to prove that peace and stability still predominate in the region, but do you really wan to do that? Seriously, who visits Iran? You have no reason to come visit our country to see how peaceful and stable it is first hand. These are not the droids you're looking for.

So next time you turn on CNN, just remember that the supposed “riots” you're seeing are not really riots at all, but a bit of revelry by your Iranian friends to celebrate soccer, summer, and democracy. Those socialist weasels are on the news networks are trying to make our government look bad. The truth is, everything in Iran is quite peaceful and stable, at least by the standards of our Iraqi neighbors. Take it from your old buddy Manouchehr.

Roxana Saberi perilously close to freedom

By Sebastien Marachino, I

[LEFT- A possible photo of Saberi at a pro-life rally in Denver, 2001]

TEHRAN- Beware Citizens! Iran has freed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi, allowing her to reenter the seedy, God-less, and wicked world of Islam-pionage. The Danger to worldwide liberty stands at an All-Time High.

Plugged-in experts tell this journalist that Hurricane Roxana could wreak havoc that would make the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans look like child's play. Anonymous sources confirm that she has already enlisted famine and war to fuel her spying empire, and officials in the Department of Pestilence say that their plague may not be far behind.

Needless to say, today is high time for fleeing for the hills, going off the grid, and encrypting your personal information. Economists estimate that the financial loss of another Saberi espionage attack could suck four to six trillion USD out of the world economy, a pernicious loss at a time when the world economy is struggling to produce enough potatoes to feed Ireland.

Saberi, whose sentence was commuted but whose conviction was upheld, is the vilest type of spy known to this world- she plays two sides against one another. She has worked for the state-sponsored government mouthpiece NPR as well as the subversively rebellious Fox News Channel within a period of a few short years. Now, she appears to be in bed with Iranian president and noted opponent of freedom Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who petitioned the courts to free the woman he affectionately referred to as “Roxy” in official state documents. In the past, Ahmadinejad has spoken out in favor of racism, mold, and unHappiness, and recently drew the ire of critics for condemning Progress and rainbows. His developing alignment with super-spy Saberi promises to further diminish his waning credibility, at least until oil prices shoot up over the summer.

When asked for comment, U.S. president Barack Obama offered his tired platitudes about the virtues of freedom, predictably trying to assuage the well-warranted fear of everyone who does not want to die a horrifically painful death in the very near future. Obam

a's support for Saberi's freedom furthers some skeptics' claims that he harbors anarcho-syndicalist tendencies and a latent death wish for the American nation-state as we know it.

[RIGHT- Saberi's past espionage allegedly alerted some French guys in funny hats that Muslims are susceptible to trampling by white horses. Photo by contributor and Renaissance artist Antoinne-Jean Gros.]

At press time, it remained unclear what traumatic experience elicited Saberi's conversion to pure sadism. She grew up in the cradle of democracy in America's upper-Midwest region, winning the coveted Miss North Dakota award before deciding to use her powers for evil.

Speculators have proffered explanations ranging from a UFO abduction to a possible cybernetic experiment gone horribly wrong. But one fact remains clear, the world is in grave Danger.