Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

The Obama administration and the Secret Service came under fire this week following the revelation that several Secret Service agents visited a harem while on official duty in Colombia. Shockingly, the agents betrayed the primary implication of their agency’s name by disclosing their identity and sharing confidential information with the prostitutes. While prostitution is legal in Colombia, many have said that the President’s personal security team ought to adhere to a higher standard of decorum than “When in Rome.” Additionally, the story became public when one of the agents refused to pay a prostitute what she said he owed her, offering $50 instead of $250.

Revealing secret identities? Haggling over prices? That doesn’t sound like the Secret Service so proudly depicted on television and in the movies. When I heard this story, my antennae shot up, and the results of my investigation may shock you.

A confidential source revealed to me that Secret Service agents indeed visited the brothel on the date in question. In fact, it is not uncommon for agents to visit brothels, drink to excess, or even dabble in whatever recreational drugs are available in a given area. They perform a stressful job, and there has long been an unspoken understanding that they are allowed to let loose while canvassing before the President’s official visit commences. The agents understand that they have a good deal, and like any beneficiary of great generosity, they know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. The agents are discrete by trade, and would never let it slip that they are on an assignment, and they would certainly never start the sort of commotion associated with a price dispute.

Clint Eastwood's character from In the Line of Fire would be ashamed.

Unfortunately, a perfect storm conspired against the Secret Service in this case. The same week that the Secret Service was preparing for President Obama’s trip to Colombia, two graduate students from the University of Virginia’s Latin American Studies PHD program were taking a research-oriented spring break trip to Colombia. The students, Myles Hobson, 27 , and Jeremy Little, 28, happened to visit the same brothel as the Secret Service agents, and happened to be in the adjacent rooms. Moreover, the impish duo, ashamed to explain their actual occupation to the escorts, stated that they were undercover Secret Service agents. It may seem implausible that two civilians would present themselves as Secret Service agents to foreign prostitutes, but “Secret Service agent” is actually the third most common fantasy profession chosen by pathetic American men trying to impress foreign prostitutes, right after “Air Force Pilot” and “Racecar Driver.”

Typically, housing actual Secret Service agents and imposter Secret Service agents in adjacent rooms would not pose a problem, but the situation escalated when the graduate students realized they did not have enough money to pay the high-class escorts. Due to their academic knowledge of Colombia, the students assumed that the exchange rate would translate into a relatively affordable price for the prostitutes. What they didn’t realize was that the market for high-class prostitutes is dominated by foreign dignitaries and wealthy businessmen, so the prevailing exchange rate does not deflate the cost. An argument ensued, and when the actual Secret Service agents heard the words “Secret Service” being yelled through the walls, they assumed they were under attack.

At that point, the actual agents formulated a plan to infiltrate the adjoining room. They instructed their prostitutes to knock on the door then followed them into the room with guns drawn. When the situation was explained to them, they paid off the difference in cost and quickly left the hotel. Unluckily, due to Colombia’s high rate of kidnapping, the hotel has state-of-the-art security cameras near all of the exits that captured footage of them leaving the building. Additionally, the security guard who had been called by the students’ prostitutes before the actual agents arrived finally showed up and started questioning the students about what happened [Ed. Note: Colombian security guards are famous for being paragons of thoroughness and integrity]. Since they had already signed the hotel’s registry and listed “Secret Service” under their occupation, the guard wrote in his report that two Secret Service agents had a price dispute with two of their prostitutes.

When word of the disturbance got back to the United States, the security camera footage was enough proof to convince Congressman Darrel Issa that the story was true, which led to his press release that launched the scandal. From there, the agents were immediately trotted out to be this week’s target of American outrage and scorn, even though the real culprits were two clueless graduate students posing as Secret Service agents as part of a sex tourism fantasy.

You’re missing the point; we don’t want poor people to have health insurance

By A rich guy

The debate about health care reform goes all the way back to the Truman Administration, and Barack Obama has recently received praise for bridging the gap between liberals and conservatives through the introduction of a plan that would put the government into the health insurance industry as a competitor with private insurers that often operate as local monopolies. The problem with Obama’s so-called “compromise” is that it misses the point- opponents of universal health care do not really care about the distinctions between a single-payer system and a government-participant system; we just don’t want poor people to have access to health care. Think about it: if poor people have health insurance, they will live longer and put more of a drain on the system that I support.

What’s worse is that the health care system would have to support even more people than it already does. I went to the emergency room with a sprained ankle and had to wait amidst that sea of humanity for almost three hours before I could get in for an x-ray with the overworked ER nurse. In just that amount of time, two people came in with gunshot wounds and got to go to the front of the line. How is that fair? Would I get to go to the front of the line at a restaurant if I came in with a gunshot wound? I put in my time, and they cut in ahead of me because they are stupid enough to get shot. Imagine the indignity of waiting in line behind a poor person with a serious injury? That scenario alone should give pause to anyone considering universal health care a legitimate option.

It’s simple math, rich people are worth more to the world than poor people, so giving them the same health care options flies in the face of the American ideal. I make a six-figure salary every year, I pay my taxes, and I contribute to society. Poor people watch stock car racing and hunt. They don’t add anything to society; they just use the services that I pay for. I’m productive, damnit, I shouldn’t be subjected to funding any more welfare programs.

New studies by the Congressional Budget Office say that extending health care would offer universal coverage for a 4% cost increase over the next decade. I say that’s 4% too much to spend on the poor. It should go to more sub-prime mortgages for me to buy up and insurance on my yacht.

[LEFT- Poor people dreaming up new ways to hurt themselves and make me pay for it.]

I don’t care if it’s a single payer system, a public-private competition, or just an expansion of Medicare and Medicaid. As soon as I hear the words “universal healthcare,” I can’t help but thinking about 80-year old trailer trash grilling up chicken fingers, cluttering the newspaper’s editorial pages with letters to the editor whining about leash laws for their Dobermans, and wasting my FICA Social Security contribution on Busch Light and camouflage pants. Obama says he wants this waste-of-space to have access to the life-saving chemotherapy procedures he needs to cure his chaw-induced throat cancer. I say: why?

The New York Times recently described a health cooperative outside of Seattle as a model for the 21st century style of health care institution. I swear on my mother’s grave that I would rather die than have some tie-dyed burnout telling me to do acupuncture for my kidney stones and prescribing medicinal marijuana for my wife’s postpartum depression.

I remember years ago when my doctor would make house calls; those were the days. Back then, you never had to wait in line to see a doctor, and you never had to worry about poor people jumping in front of you because they started a firefight in the alley behind a bombed-out row house. Indeed, we’re all better off with the current system, at least those of us who matter.

A hilarious misunderstanding in Iran

By Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki

TEHRAN- The world media has had a field day over the last couple of weeks reporting on alleged “widespread violence” and so-called “rioting in the streets” of Tehran in response to questionable election results that consolidated the power of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But as Iran's Foreign Minister, I can assure you that it has all just been a hilarious misunderstanding- a happy coincidence, if you will. So please, media, just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

You see, the Iranian Presidential Election took place last week, and everyone seems to think that it had something to do with all of the people you see in the streets on television. It's a fair mistake- I may have made the same judgment myself if I was not here to witness it. In reality, this week also marked a big week in World Cup qualifying for Iranian soccer, and you Americans know how crazy the rest of the world gets about soccer. Also, Iranian school just let out last week, so we have soccer hooligans and our version of college spring breakers all converging on the street at the same time. It has nothing to do with Mr. Ahmadinejad's reelection, I assure you. I promise that nobody is dead. You want statistics? Why not just take my word? It's much stronger than statistics.

[RIGHT- A couple of soccer hooligans doing some crazy soccer celebration. Those guys have such a wild good time.]

Twitter posts are used as proof that there is a bloody government crackdown, but you can't trust anything under 140 characters to express the subtlety and nuance of political dialogue. It's too easy to take the posts out of context. Let me give you an example. A recent Tweet coming from the streets of Tehran read: “They're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets!” Now, I found that Twitter user and gently encouraged her to complete that statement. In total, it should have read: “[The other soccer team is far superior to ours. What a shame. In this game,] they're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets [to encourage the rowdy hooligans to peacefully disperse after a frustrating loss].”

If you ask me, all the hubbub is nothing more than a few Americans trying to feel better about their own electoral irregularities. Think about it- America is supposed to be the beacon of freedom and democracy for the rest of the world. But in the last 10 years, the country has had an election decided by the Supreme Court for the candidate with fewer votes, that same candidate getting reelected by telling everyone that only he could save them from the marching armies of married faeries, then another candidate win after being hand-picked by the media to beat out a ditsy beauty queen's slutty, soap opera family. And if you think back a little further, you will recall the excessive use of police force in the Los Angeles riots in the early 1990s, as well as in the race demonstrations of the 1960s. Clearly, the American media is ashamed of these parts of American history, so they try to make it look like Iran has the market cornered on violent riot dispersal. If anything, you should be proud that Iran is finally emulating America instead of burning its flag. Really, a few Iranians invited a few (thousand) of their friends to a party in the streets, and it got a little louder and wilder than anyone expected. No big deal. It's not like anyone is being lynched. Actually, don't quote me on that.

[LEFT- That's not a missile, that's a, uhh, loudspeaker. Yes, a loudspeaker! To broadcast messages of freedom!]

Sometimes, the government encourages tourists to return to prove that an area is stable. After Hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans government urged people to come back to the city to boost its sagging tourist industry and help inject some revenue into the recovery effort. You may expect me to invite you to come visit Tehran to prove that peace and stability still predominate in the region, but do you really wan to do that? Seriously, who visits Iran? You have no reason to come visit our country to see how peaceful and stable it is first hand. These are not the droids you're looking for.

So next time you turn on CNN, just remember that the supposed “riots” you're seeing are not really riots at all, but a bit of revelry by your Iranian friends to celebrate soccer, summer, and democracy. Those socialist weasels are on the news networks are trying to make our government look bad. The truth is, everything in Iran is quite peaceful and stable, at least by the standards of our Iraqi neighbors. Take it from your old buddy Manouchehr.

This is what happens when you start apologizing to the Arab world

By Nancy Muller

OMAHA- Should anyone be surprised at the outbreak of right-wing violence in the wake of President Obama's recent apology tour of the Middle East? Of course not, regardless of what filthy, pink surrendercrats would have you believe. See, the last remaining true patriots can see the writing on the wall: the days of rich, white males imposing their will on everyone else have gone the way of the dodo, but not every segment of the privileged class is ready to go gently into that good night.

Look at the outrage over 88 year-old James von Brunn's attack on Washington D.C.'s Holocaust Museum this week- many Americans are claiming to be shocked and appalled at von Brunn's actions, but right-wing anti-semitism is nothing new. These insane people can only be pushed so far before they snap, and judging by the spike in gun purchases after Obama's election, they don't have to be pushed very hard at all.

Really, an anti-semitic, failed artist grows frustrated, misplaces his anger, and lashes out violently at Judaism in its entirety? Stop me if you've heard this one before. Let's just say that A&E has already contacted the descendants of Leni Reifenstahl about the made-for-TV biopic debuting in February, 2010. Frankly, I'm not surprised that the French haven't started waiving a white flag, just to be certain that they don't miss an opportunity to surrender.

What made von Brunn lose his shit? Some people will blame senility, others will say that the was mimicking he graphic depictions of violence he saw on Matlock. But I think we all know the truth. With Obama in Egypt telling the Muslims that America is partially responsible for the problems in the Middle East, the fragile psyches of the pro-America nutjobs are getting shredded faster than the Incredible Hulk's shirtsleeves.

I know what you're thinking: shouldn't the anti-semites be happy that the United States is finally backing away from its unflinching support of Israel? And your argument makes sense, but for one crucial aspect- these people are crazy. You can't demand rational analysis from people who think the “lives” of embryonic stem cells are more valuable than the mentally retarded criminals they want to execute.

You see, not all schizos are the same. The garden variety schizo- terrified of the government, wearing an aluminum hat to keep the CIA from stealing his thoughts- gets a lot of attention in the media and the movies, but there are comparably insane people out there with a pro-government guiding principle. So what happens to these abstract-thought impaired freaks when the government changes its position on an issue? Total meltdown.

[RIGHT- You have nothing to fear, tinfoil hat guy. This administration means you no harm.]

Look at anti-abortion activists. A few years ago, the government was doing everything they could do to limit abortion- not giving family planning services to other countries, requiring parental notification to scare minors-, and the schizos were content to scream “Save your baby!” to every woman of any age in a 12 block radius of the abortion clinic. Now, the government has eased its doctrinal opposition to abortion, and the crazies don't know what to do, so they start going to churches to murder abortion doctors, because, you know, human life is precious and must be preserved.

One success for which Obama deserves credit is his ability to antagonize people with limit capability to retaliate. You know in high school when they tell you not to pick on a certain kid, because he will snap and do something crazy? The same principle applies in politics, but since everything you do is under a microscope, you're bound to aggravate some imbecile with everything you do. They key is to pick the right type of imbecile. Bush pissed off the people in a highly militarized and anarchical part of the world, and they were able to knock down the freaking World Trade Center. Obama pissed off some old guy who lives in a basement and writes a blog about how Jews run the government. His crazy reaction didn't involve hijacking a plane; he just went into a museum with guns blazing and got off exactly one shot before getting shot 8 times in the face. So if chickens were coming home to roost when von Brunn shot up the Holocaust Museum, at least it was an incredibly incompetent chicken.

Conservatives take aim at Sotomayor

By Bosephus Tureaud

NEW YORK- As soon as appellate court judge Sonia Sotomayor received President Barack Obama's nomination to the Supreme Court, she started hearing objections from conservatives who think her jurisprudential style is unbecoming of the nation's highest bench. In particular, Sotomayor has shown a tendency to favor progressive action and policies- a tendency that has drawn her opponent's ire.

Conservatives say that Sotomayor's comments at a Duke University law conference, caught on tape, defy the spirit of judicial deference and indicate a slight tendency toward judicial activism. They point to part of the tape where Sotomayor can be heard screaming, “I am above the law! No one will stop me from achieving my final solution! You must all bow before La Sonia!”

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter further questioned Sotomayor's qualifications, arguing that, "Saying that someone would decide a case differently... because she's a Latina, not a white male, that statement by definition is racist." Coulter proceeded to spin her head in circles three times, speak in tongues, and vomit pea soup on James Carville through a satellite feed.

[RIGHT- Coulter discussing Sotomayor's qualifications.]

Although Sotomayor is unlikely to confront specific political issues during her nomination process, she has faced criticism for several of her stated stances from her appellate-era stances. Her controversial positions include her desire to force everyone in the country to get gay married and adopt black children; to give mandatory abortions without parental notification to every woman under age 21, regardless of whether she is pregnant; and to take away everyone's guns and give them to illegal immigrants, who will form a dangerous militia that will demand white people's jobs. She has also made legal forays into the sporting world. For instance, she banned Dale Earnhardt from wearing the protective HANS device at the Daytona 500, causing his death in the 2001 race.

Furthermore, Sotomayor is accused of cronyism and preferential treatment for appointing fellow South Bronx native KRS-ONE as law clerk and consulting Nas's amicus briefs. She has also been quoted as saying “I used to have a little, but now I've got a lot. I'm still Sonya from the block,” which has called into question her objectivity in making legal decisions.

[LEFT- Sotomayor, wearing his now-infamous dress to the 2000 Grammy Awards.]

After the nomination, Sotomayor was seen plotting the vast left-wing conspiracy at a vegan coffee shop with Bill Ayers and Osama Bin Laden. She was drinking a half-caf, double soy mochaccino with three squirts of Irish crème while re-filling Bin Laden insulin pump. The conspiracy recently succeeded in securing Al Franken's election to the U.S. Senate by enlisting activist judges, and has vowed not to stop until Susan Sarandon is appointed as Attorney General to President Martin Sheen.

Chief Justice John Roberts, when asked what he thought of Sotomayor's legal qualifications, said, "Ew, girls!"

Sotomayor's backers have been nearly as vocal in their support of the nominee. Liberal pundit Barackstarr_DEM4life commented that, “THE GOP ARE NUTZ. THEY CAUSED 9/11 AND ALL THE GRIEF THEIR AFTER. CHENEY'S A DESPOT LIKE AARON BURR WAS. LIMBAUGH'S A DRUG ADDICK. THE GOP IS A TRAIN RECK, WHERE WAS CHENEY IN VIET-NAM? LMAO.” He went on to say that Sotomayor would provide a diverse voice from a unique set of life experiences for an institution dominated by white males. w00t

Coors Light Cold Activated Can changes everything

By Bart Belafonte

THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS- Summer is upon us, and with its hot temperatures comes the inevitable search for ways to cool off. Thanks to Coors Brewing Company, this year will offer the greatest and most innovative way for us to stay cold since the invention of ice. The Coors Light Cold Activated Can, which tells you when your beer is cold, not only changes colors when it is cold, it also changes the way we will experience refreshment from here to eternity.

Coors officials have been understandably enthusiastic about the product that completely obviates the need for hands when determining the temperature of a can of beer. “The Cold Activated Can not only literally saves the country seconds, it also offers a public service to people who do not have the sense of touch,” said Royce Wills, Director of Life-Altering Innovation for Coors. “What Braille did for blind people and reading, the Cold Activated Can will do for touch-less people and telling when beer is cold. Honestly, I'm assuming that there is such a thing as a person without a sense of touch, but I have never met one. I mean, I think I heard one time that Stevie Wonder has no sense of smell, so it figures that there might be people who can't feel.”

The sweeping global impact of the Cold Activated Can could mean big things worldwide. “In his campaign, Obama promised that everything would be different, that we could believe in change, and this can really shows me that Obama meant business,” gushed local beer enthusiast Ted Loebner. Insiders in the Israeli government say that Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's gift of a six-pack of Cold Activated Coors Light has Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reconsidering his hard-line stance against a two-state solution to his country's conflict with Palestine.

[RIGHT TOP- The new way of perceiving a can's temperature. RIGHT BOTTOM- The outdated way of perceiving a can's temperature.]

In spite of such shocking beneficence, liberal activists have criticized Coors for creating a vast right-wing conspiracy. The Coors ad campaign that features glaciers around Manhattan, they argue, undercuts progressive efforts to curb global warming. Coors management has come under fire int eh past for refusing to hire racial minorities, blocking worker organization, and providing financial backing for the conservative Heritage Institute political think-tank. Critics point to polling data that indicate precipitously slipping support for cap-and-trade carbon emissions taxes and increasing public skepticism at the scientific viability of global warming. In fact, one recent poll by the Pew Institute shows that a majority of Americans think that the Cold Activated Can will do more to combat climate change than developing alternative energy sources, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and hybrid cars combined.

Despite these criticisms, Coors says it will proceed with further product developments. For instance, Wills says that the company is in negotiations with various city and state governments to add a blue light to traffic signals to indicate when roads are icy. They have also made overtures to the Department of Homeland Security to add a Code Blue above Code Red on the terror threat alerts to indicate that all hope is lost, and it is time for the nation to start drinking heavily. Finally, inside sources have hinted that Coors may seek a sponsorship deal with the sun to add a shade of blue to tell Earth's inhabitants when it is cold without having to embark in the cumbersome process of stepping outside.

Coors has already been tabbed for the Presidential Medal of Freedom for their contributions to America's interests at home and abroad, and they are the early leaders in the competition for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Perhaps most importantly, they have silenced one of their longtime critics. Bob Seger, who has panned the Silver Bullet Beer for ripping off his band's moniker for decades has said that he is, “as proud as a father” that the company fianlly has lived up to its potential.

Roxana Saberi perilously close to freedom

By Sebastien Marachino, I

[LEFT- A possible photo of Saberi at a pro-life rally in Denver, 2001]

TEHRAN- Beware Citizens! Iran has freed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi, allowing her to reenter the seedy, God-less, and wicked world of Islam-pionage. The Danger to worldwide liberty stands at an All-Time High.

Plugged-in experts tell this journalist that Hurricane Roxana could wreak havoc that would make the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans look like child's play. Anonymous sources confirm that she has already enlisted famine and war to fuel her spying empire, and officials in the Department of Pestilence say that their plague may not be far behind.

Needless to say, today is high time for fleeing for the hills, going off the grid, and encrypting your personal information. Economists estimate that the financial loss of another Saberi espionage attack could suck four to six trillion USD out of the world economy, a pernicious loss at a time when the world economy is struggling to produce enough potatoes to feed Ireland.

Saberi, whose sentence was commuted but whose conviction was upheld, is the vilest type of spy known to this world- she plays two sides against one another. She has worked for the state-sponsored government mouthpiece NPR as well as the subversively rebellious Fox News Channel within a period of a few short years. Now, she appears to be in bed with Iranian president and noted opponent of freedom Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who petitioned the courts to free the woman he affectionately referred to as “Roxy” in official state documents. In the past, Ahmadinejad has spoken out in favor of racism, mold, and unHappiness, and recently drew the ire of critics for condemning Progress and rainbows. His developing alignment with super-spy Saberi promises to further diminish his waning credibility, at least until oil prices shoot up over the summer.

When asked for comment, U.S. president Barack Obama offered his tired platitudes about the virtues of freedom, predictably trying to assuage the well-warranted fear of everyone who does not want to die a horrifically painful death in the very near future. Obam

a's support for Saberi's freedom furthers some skeptics' claims that he harbors anarcho-syndicalist tendencies and a latent death wish for the American nation-state as we know it.

[RIGHT- Saberi's past espionage allegedly alerted some French guys in funny hats that Muslims are susceptible to trampling by white horses. Photo by contributor and Renaissance artist Antoinne-Jean Gros.]

At press time, it remained unclear what traumatic experience elicited Saberi's conversion to pure sadism. She grew up in the cradle of democracy in America's upper-Midwest region, winning the coveted Miss North Dakota award before deciding to use her powers for evil.

Speculators have proffered explanations ranging from a UFO abduction to a possible cybernetic experiment gone horribly wrong. But one fact remains clear, the world is in grave Danger.