United Nations to hold Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits

By Frederico Vanzetti

THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.

Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.

One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.

[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}

The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.

The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.

While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.

The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.

Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.

If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.

Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.

Coors Light Cold Activated Can changes everything

By Bart Belafonte

THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS- Summer is upon us, and with its hot temperatures comes the inevitable search for ways to cool off. Thanks to Coors Brewing Company, this year will offer the greatest and most innovative way for us to stay cold since the invention of ice. The Coors Light Cold Activated Can, which tells you when your beer is cold, not only changes colors when it is cold, it also changes the way we will experience refreshment from here to eternity.

Coors officials have been understandably enthusiastic about the product that completely obviates the need for hands when determining the temperature of a can of beer. “The Cold Activated Can not only literally saves the country seconds, it also offers a public service to people who do not have the sense of touch,” said Royce Wills, Director of Life-Altering Innovation for Coors. “What Braille did for blind people and reading, the Cold Activated Can will do for touch-less people and telling when beer is cold. Honestly, I'm assuming that there is such a thing as a person without a sense of touch, but I have never met one. I mean, I think I heard one time that Stevie Wonder has no sense of smell, so it figures that there might be people who can't feel.”

The sweeping global impact of the Cold Activated Can could mean big things worldwide. “In his campaign, Obama promised that everything would be different, that we could believe in change, and this can really shows me that Obama meant business,” gushed local beer enthusiast Ted Loebner. Insiders in the Israeli government say that Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's gift of a six-pack of Cold Activated Coors Light has Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reconsidering his hard-line stance against a two-state solution to his country's conflict with Palestine.

[RIGHT TOP- The new way of perceiving a can's temperature. RIGHT BOTTOM- The outdated way of perceiving a can's temperature.]

In spite of such shocking beneficence, liberal activists have criticized Coors for creating a vast right-wing conspiracy. The Coors ad campaign that features glaciers around Manhattan, they argue, undercuts progressive efforts to curb global warming. Coors management has come under fire int eh past for refusing to hire racial minorities, blocking worker organization, and providing financial backing for the conservative Heritage Institute political think-tank. Critics point to polling data that indicate precipitously slipping support for cap-and-trade carbon emissions taxes and increasing public skepticism at the scientific viability of global warming. In fact, one recent poll by the Pew Institute shows that a majority of Americans think that the Cold Activated Can will do more to combat climate change than developing alternative energy sources, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and hybrid cars combined.

Despite these criticisms, Coors says it will proceed with further product developments. For instance, Wills says that the company is in negotiations with various city and state governments to add a blue light to traffic signals to indicate when roads are icy. They have also made overtures to the Department of Homeland Security to add a Code Blue above Code Red on the terror threat alerts to indicate that all hope is lost, and it is time for the nation to start drinking heavily. Finally, inside sources have hinted that Coors may seek a sponsorship deal with the sun to add a shade of blue to tell Earth's inhabitants when it is cold without having to embark in the cumbersome process of stepping outside.

Coors has already been tabbed for the Presidential Medal of Freedom for their contributions to America's interests at home and abroad, and they are the early leaders in the competition for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Perhaps most importantly, they have silenced one of their longtime critics. Bob Seger, who has panned the Silver Bullet Beer for ripping off his band's moniker for decades has said that he is, “as proud as a father” that the company fianlly has lived up to its potential.