Is Anyone Else Amazed That Russia Doesn’t Have a Death Penalty?

By George Stephanopoulos, ABC News

WASHINGTON- A recent surge in terrorist activity in Russia has brought the nation’s issues with Chechan rebels back to the forefront of international dialogue. The tragedies have highlighted Russia’s spotty human rights record in the post-Soviet era. Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama have walked a tightrope with their Russian counterparts in order to preserve friendly relations with the former U.S. adversary while also ramping up pressure to improve treatment toward ethnic minorities within the country. Perhaps the most startling revelation of the past few weeks was the announcement that Russian President Demitriy Medvedev opposes the country’s 14 year old moratorium on the death penalty, but will continue to enforce it out of deference to the international community.

Some may be surprised at Medvedev’s respect for international law that was routinely trampled by the Americans in the Bush era. Others may be surprised at the President’s exercise of power given the fact that he is commonly seen as a figurehead for former President Vladimir Putin, who is widely presumed to wield most of the power in the country. Not me. I’m still hung up on the fact that Russia doesn’t have a death penalty. Really? I thought those guys were totally barbaric and would love to kill political dissidents in really archaic and cruel ways.

Seriously- this is the country that gave us the gulags, a bloody revolution that ended in assassinated rulers, and a decades-long arms race that resulted in millions of people starving just so they wouldn’t have to look weak to the West. Russians are known for enduring great pain and suffering, for being ruggedly individualistic, for heavy drinking, and for aggressively violent tendencies. To me, that personality screams out “Texas.” And who loves the death penalty more than anyone else in America? That’s right, the Texans! Both populations even rely on oil money to support huge disparities in wealth within their borders. Sure, Texas has money and Russia doesn’t, but it seems to me that widespread poverty would lead to more executions, not fewer.


[RIGHT- Make no mistake, Russia knows all there is to know about death.]

So how the hell did Russia end up without a death penalty? Supposedly they signed the European Convention on Civil Rights in 1996, and part of that document was an agreement to institute a moratorium on the death penalty. You’re telling me that Europe is collectively imposing its will on Russia through non-coercive force? I call bullshit. Apparently you’ve never heard of a little thing called the Napoleonic Wars. I mean, a half century ago there was a world war brewing between one country that had nuclear weapons and one that didn’t have nuclear weapons, and half of Europe joined the country that DIDN’T have nuclear weapons out of sheer terror. If Russia tried to execute someone, or even if they wanted to repeal the moratorium entirely, nobody is going to stand up to them. It would be a race to see who could concede more quickly. My money is on France; those guys love to surrender. They would give in faster than the Pope will cover up the next child molestation allegation against a bishop.

Even though the personality of the country does not offer any clues as to why Russia doesn’t have a death penalty, the timing of the moratorium might offer some hints. See, in 1996 Boris Yeltsin was still the President of Russia, and if Boris Yeltsin was anything, he was a huge drunk. Really, you could get a second-hand buzz off of that guy just by smelling his vodka-tinged sweat through the armpits of his ratty suit coats. Thus, it is eminently possible that Yeltsin was drunk when he signed the treaty, like that story about how the Yankees and Red Sox agreed to trade Joe Dimaggio for Ted Williams, but changed their minds when they sobered up the next morning, only Yeltsin never sobered up.

I have my own theory, though, and I call it the “White Fang” theory. In White Fang, Grey Beaver (no relation to former California Governor Gray Davis, or to fictional-pornstar-that-I-just-made-up Beatrix Beaver) had this badass dog named White Fang, but some guy named Beauty Smith- I know, super gay name- gave Grey Beaver whiskey until he was addicted and traded the dog for a bottle of whiskey, thus setting the stage for centuries of relations between European immigrants in North America and the indigenous populations. See, I think that the Europeans were worried about Russia killing a bunch of dissidents, and in their tricky, whiny, sniveling liberal way of doing business, they started giving Yeltsin free booze. After awhile, they started making him pay for the booze, and he quickly ran out of money. Then, they said that the only way he could have more booze was if he banned the death penalty, so like anybody who has seen Sober House with Dr. Drew knows, he immediately signed off to get his next fix.

However the policy came to be, I have seen enough James Bond movies to know that the Russians operate an extensive and shady underground world. It is extremely possible, even probable that the Russians contract out their executions to the Russian mafia that made its money through extreme cronyism of doling out the national industries after the fall of communism. Is it so far-fetched that these captains of industry that perform what used to be government functions such as drilling for oil and collecting garbage have also taken on the former public business of killing political adversaries and criminals? I think not. In fact, after seeing the Viggo Mortensen documentary “Eastern Promises,” I would be surprised if the Russian mafia didn’t take advantage of that tremendous money-making opportunity, even if they had to do so buckass naked. If they will take money from anyone and are willing to kill to earn that money, they might as well take money from the government to kill as well.


I guess that scenario makes the most sense, and it puts my mind at ease, because it was really bothering me to think that Russia- bastion of cold-blooded killing and human rights violations-would do something so humanitarian and equitable. But if they’re really just shifting the responsibility to private individuals, turning a blind eye, and enriching the former ruling class, it seems very typical of the Russian system. Glad we got that sorted out.

United Nations to hold Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits

By Frederico Vanzetti

THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.

Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.

One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.

[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}

The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.

The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.

While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.

The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.

Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.

If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.

Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.