“Kim Kardashian" Files for “Divorce” from Kris Humphries

By Jesse Sturtevant

HOLLYWOOD- A wide-eyed America stood in shocked silence this week when it learned that the marriage between basketball star Kris Humphries and television character Kim Kardashian was coming to an end after only 72 days. Just days after Earth’s seven billionth human inhabitant was born, the other 699,999,998 people simultaneously found themselves asking, “Why, Kim, why?”

The courtship between Kardashian and Humprhies began almost exactly a year ago when Kardashian attended a New Jersey Nets basketball game and saw Humphries playing. Careful observers will note, however, that their professional relationship dates back several months before that date when both parties’ publicists, agents, and financial planners held a week-long brainstorming session with the producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in Lake Tahoe to plan the story arc for the following season of the show. The brain trust selected Humphries for the role of Kim’s love interest because of his upward social mobility, semi-stardom on a non-marquee team in a major market, and shear gullibility. Producers settled on an NBA player after the success of the E!-NBA joint venture that resulted in Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding. Humphries won out over fellow finalists Jameer Nelson of Orlando (too short), Dallas’s Tyson Chandler (too smart), and Washington’s Javale McGee (too young).
Veteran television and pop culture critics have pointed out that it was important for the writers of the show to grab headlines for the Kardashian character or risk a loss of cultural relevance. Whereas other pop culture icons can transition in and out of the limelight with the ebb and flow of a normal career- a musician going on tour or an athlete starting a new season- a character in a reality television show must incessantly perpetuate its own branding.

[RIGHT- A clearly Photoshopped image of the Kardashian "family" including a crudely pasted courtroom photo of the "father," whose head is conspicuously larger than his body or the other heads.]

“The Kardashian brand has tentacles in more pop culture outlets than any other reality character over the last 10 years,” Deandra Boorad of Radar Online points out. “They worked backwards by starting bawdry with a sex tape and Playboy spread and have worked upwards into fashion, television, and even sports. The writers’ ability to find new and shocking ways to insert those characters into everyday life has been inventive and highly effective.” Boorad went on to contrast the Kardashians with Paris Hilton, who serves as a cautionary tale for reality writers who think their characters can take some time away from the public eye then return as popular as ever.

The Kardashian-Humphries wedding was one of the more successful stunts in reality television history in terms of the programming it created, the attention it generated, and the revenue it grossed for the principals. The television special featuring the lead-up to the “wedding” drew over four million viewers on consecutive nights, making it the third most watched program ever on the E! Network. Furthermore, the “wedding” was underwritten by various corporate sponsors to the tune of $10 million, far exceeding the actual costs. “In an era where fractured television audiences gravitate to highly-specialized content, there is a downward pressure on production costs,” said marketing analyst Don Feran. “What the producers of this show have done is turn the entire program into an elaborate celebrity endorsement type of advertisement, but where they invent celebrities instead of paying them. The fact that they can fill time slots with this strategy is an incredible manifestation of capitalism-as-art, and the fact that people actually watch it is an even more astounding accomplishment.”

The next move for the Kardashian producers will likely be to translate the internet buzz surrounding the divorce into television programming. First, they will almost certainly bring the Humphries character back for a few episodes to try to “work things out,” which will include seeing a marriage counselor, whose company’s name will be prominently and frequently displayed on screen. From there, viewers may see an attempt at reconciliation through a vacation to a famous resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Las Vegas. It is also possible that prominent LA divorce lawyers will try to horn in on the self-promotion by paying the family to take the case while appearing on the show.

While the show producers have certainly put themselves in a position to make a great deal of money, it has not come without some hiccups along the way. For example, some observers were questioning the Kardashian-Humphries relationship from the beginning since the story that she met him at a New Jersey Nets game implies that she visited Newark and attended a Nets game, which is not a particularly believable story. Additionally, the couple reportedly honeymooned in Eastasia, the fictional “other country” from George Orwell’s 1984, which is particularly thick doublespeak, even for a show that specializes in insulting its viewers’ intelligence. Nonetheless, the show will proceed unscathed.

For those unfamiliar with the Kardashian backstory, “Kim Kardashian” is a fictional character created in the mid-‘00s by Ryan Seacrest and a team of writers. She is posited as the child of the late Los Angeles area attorney Robert Kardashian, who was part of O.J. Simpson’s defense team. Seacrest has been quoted as saying that when he heard the name “Robert Kardashian,” he first envisioned him as a patriarch of a family modeled as a latter-day Brady Bunch with more sex appeal, and immediately started casting for the reality show. Unlike traditional television, the show presents itself in a “day in the life” fashion, so the actors and actresses must stay in character at all times. As a result, the events of the show are not confined to what happens on television. Seacrest’s team is credited with the masterstroke of introducing the “Kardashian” characters to the world before the debut of the show, first through Kim’s sex tape with R&B singer Ray J (also an actor playing the “Ray J” character on several TV shows). The producers cast former Olympian Bruce Jenner to improve the show’s name recognition and to help teach the other actors how to seamlessly pitch products, but have marginalized him as he has not fit into the larger plot of the show. The programming has been a huge success, generating several spinoffs, convincing people that it is real, and becoming one of cable television’s most watched shows.

NBA Star Kris Humphries Weds Sex Robot in Lavish Ceremony

By Tamela Esposito

HOLLYWOOD- The glitterati were out in Los Angeles this weekend to witness the historic and luxurious wedding of reality TV’s favorite couple: New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries and the government-funded, semi-sentient sex robot known commonly as “Kim Kardashian.” Over 400 guests attended KimBot’s ceremony and reception, which included performances by Earth, Wind, and Fire and popular robo-crooner Robin Thicke.

It came as a slight surprise to many to learn that the reality starlet was not actually human, but a complex robotic device designed to optimize male arousal. On the other hand, KimBot’s fans have long been wary of the fact that she never displays anything resembling a human emotion. Furthermore, her communication takes place mostly through Twitter, which gives her intricate central processor time to parse the complicated nuance of human language before responding.

Years after KimBot came into the public eye, many wondered why the federal government chose this time to marry it off and reveal to the public that it is not human. Some speculate that it was a calculated effort by the Obama administration to pressure the state of California to reform its marriage laws. Under that logic, the government would have to fear the public backlash against vacating the marriage license more than the outcry over violating the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, which is probably an accurate reading of public sentiment. Others have said that the government chose to allow KimBot to marry at the behest of the newly-formed debt committee who saw how many tens of millions of dollars could be brought in
through sponsorships and decided it was probably time for politicians to stop passing KimBot around Washington like this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. Still others believe that

President Obama engineered the union as a way to get closer to Humphries and fulfill his lifelong dream of hanging out with NBA players.

[LEFT: An earlier and less convincing prototype of the robobride.]

Details about the development of KimBot have also come to light as part of the governmen

t’s revelation. Project Kardashian began as a top secret Cold War espionage experiment in which the CIA sought to develop a robot spy that could seduce Soviet leaders and gain their confidence with no risk of defection. When the Cold War ended before the project had matured to completion, the fleet of sex bots (including the beta version with code name “Kourtney”) were stashed in southern California to undergo further testing without their appearance becoming conspicuous. When the sex bots reached maturity, they became so dangerous that the government had to put someone in charge who had the physical and mental prowess needed to keep them from exploiting their powers for evil. For that task, the CIA tracked down Olympic hero and American icon Bruce Jenner, who has served as their overseer ever since.

Years later, KimBot found her way into the tabloid pages for befriending once-famous socialite Paris Hilton (shockingly not a robot) and appearing in a sex tape with R&B star Ray J. The sex tape was actually part of another series of government experiments to determine whether the sex bots were equipped to handle the rigors of being used to spy on African-American politicians, if necessary. When the tapes were accidentally leaked, the government had to buy off Ray J by guaranteeing him a VH1 reality show for the rest of his life.

[RIGHT- OK magazine begs the question: can robots dream?]

KimBot’s powers have also been seen in professional sports, as many of its mates have achieved great athletic success when dating it. Reggie Bush won a Super Bowl with KimBot in the stands, and Miles Austin and Kris Humphries had breakout seasons while dating it, all because KimBot emits a testosterone-laden pheromone to induce attraction that serves a dual purpose as a performance enhancing drug. KimBot has tended to date athletes because they are the only segment of the population vacuous and self-centered enough not to notice that their partner is not human.

KimBot’s “sister” Kourtney is an earlier model of Project Kardashian that was not as highly developed, while Khloe is not actually a sex robot. Khloe, though, was also the product of a government experiment- one where a hybrid of a hyena and a horse went horribly wrong- and the feds had no better place to keep her without frightening children.

Privacy: So Hot Right Now

After a decade of dormancy, privacy is back with a vengeance. Thanks to airport body scanners and Americans’ rampant homophobia and negative body images, people value civil liberties once again. Ten years ago, anyone who suggested that privacy was an important concern that should be weighed against security was pilloried and run up the flagpole for being un-American, possibly even French. Now, people who voted for Orwellian Republicans a week ago who think that 1984 is a good starting point for security policy are trumpeting the importance of freedom from intrusion into one’s personal space.

First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?

And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.

Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.

Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor!

[RIGHT- The FAA is now able to correctly segregate the fats from the people who are bundled up. Wait, is that a toy gun? Cool!]

The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:

First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.

If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.

Nation Turns on Bush Five Years Too Late

By Roland Arbuckle

WASHINGTON- Over half of a decade after inflicting the worst of his damage on the United States and more than two years after fading from the public eye, America’s institutions have finally taken formal action to punish Bush. Stuck with dire economic conditions, two costly yet unnecessary wars, and a poisoned political climate, officials have finally struck against the corrupted greed of former President George W… Excuse me, I’m being corrected. Apparently Americans have not taken action against George W. Bush, they have turned on former USC running back Reggie Bush.

Apparently, the country has decided that it is more important for Reggie Bush to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won during his final season at USC rather than holding politicians accountable for the disastrous effects of their tainted legacies. There are parallels between the Bushes, to be sure. Both of them reached the pinnacle of individual success in the early to mid-aughts as George led America head first into an amorphous War on Terror while Reggie Bush helped lead the Trojans to the 2004 NCAA championship, then won the Heisman trophy the next year while bringing his team back to the championship game.

[RIGHT- Reggie Bush receives a possibly improper head pat from a corrupt USC assistant.]

In the end, each man fell prey to arrogance, greed, and an inability of those around him to say no. George pushed too far into Iraq at the urging of oil companies and private contractors who wanted a piece of rebuilding the country. Had he maintained his commitment to spreading democracy and planning a true nation-building excursion, he may have had enough discretion to put the Iraq war off, or avoid it altogether. Back home, his deference to his friends in the corporate sector resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as Enron, Nationwide, and Arthur Anderson. Because he refused to fix the problems that his deregulation created, irresponsible credit default swaps continued unabated until they submarined the economy through bursting the housing bubble.

Reggie, on the other hand, pushed too far into the celebrity realm at the urging of agents and marketing firms who wanted a piece of building his public image. Had he maintained his commitment to supporting his family and training as a football superstar, he may have had enough discretion to turn down some of the gifts he received, or even dedicate himself to the game. At USC, his deference to people who did not have his best interests at heart resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as the marketers who bought him his Chevy Caprice and the boosters who bought his family a new house. Because he refused to repay the agents the money that they spent on him while he was an amateur, the irresponsible behavior continued unabated until they submarined the USC program by taking away a national championship and suspending several scholarships.

Why the NCAA or the Downtown Athletic Club- which awards the Heisman Trophy to the nation’s top college football player every year- would care about Reggie Bush getting free rims on his crappy sedan five years ago is a mystery. The NCAA is determined to ensure that its amateur athletes are actually amateurs, except for the part where the universities spend the entire offseason scattering their allegiances into different bowl affiliations, conference alignments, and television contracts to squeeze every last dollar out of the athletes who get a free education that they won’t use anyway once they turn pro. How Reggie Bush or the university derived any on-field advantage from an independent marketing firm putting his family in a house after he was already enrolled at USC is a complete mystery. But if the NCAA ever admitted that their authoritarian mentality toward its athletes had gone too far, they would risk losing ultimate control and might have to cede some of their enormous profits to the people who generate those profits. The institution’s greed is so great that it would even appall George W. Bush.

Reggie Bush’s fault lies in his inability to diffuse the situation once the benefits he received came to light. He allegedly received a car and a house for his family in exchange for a promise to sign with the marketing firm after leaving college. When he did not sign with the firm, they sought to recoup approximately $40,000 of the money that they spent on him when he was at USC. Instead of paying that sum, which amounts to 0.2% of the guaranteed money of his NFL contract- not to mention his endorsement deals with Pepsi, General Motors, Adidas, and Subway- he denied any knowledge of the situation. When making his denial, Reggie did not consider that the documents for the house clearly stated that the marketing firm helped make the down payment, and he somehow thought the phone conversation where his father identified himself and described the benefits he received would not hold up as part of the case against him. He did everything short of telling his father that he was doing a heckuva job, Bushy. Reggie’s crisis management skills were so abysmal that they would appall even George W. Bush.

The Reggie Bush story as a whole represents America’s obsession with irrelevant news. Whether the country has a short attention span that cannot process anything more than a sound bite or a cat fight, or if everyone is exhausted from the steady stream of bad news that has polluted the front pages for the last half-decade, it is clear that no one wants to address or even contemplate any meaningful issues. As a result, it is likely that the follow up to this story will have nothing to do with the NCAA’s misplaced tyranny and everything to do with Reggie’s emotional reaction. In fact, let me start the speculation right now.

[LEFT- Hey, Reggie, maybe if you did real exercises you could average more than 3 yards a carry.]

Where is Reggie’s on-again off-again lover Kim Kardashian now, when he needs her most? She’s rubbing salt in Reggie’s wounds by sleeping in the bed of another NFL star from a rival team, Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Miles Austin. When asked why Kim left Reggie for Miles, Kim’s sister Khloe pointed out that Austin has unique assets that few others possess. “Miles can squat and leg press more weight than any other receiver in the NFL, and that helps him get in and out of cuts really quickly,” Khloe told Radar Online. “More importantly, it means he has a huge ass, and Kim really wanted to see what it was like to date someone with an ass bigger than hers. Unfortunately, that narrowed the field down to Miles, Precious, and me. Precious is busy acting and I’m not into incest.”