Gabrielle Giffords Set to Make Return in Zombie Flash Mob

By Martin West

TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.

“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”

Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will probably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’

[RIGHT- Zombie Giffords joins a proud tradition of Zombie politicians from the Grand Canyon State.]

The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.

The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.

As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”

When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.

Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.

Michael Vick moves one step closer to becoming Tony Dungy’s surrogate son

By Darryl DeCinnes

PHILADELPHIA- After Tony Dungy’s son James committed suicide in 2005, the Super Bowl winning head coach had a bit of an identity crisis. Dungy lived his life as a dedicated husband, father, and Christian, and to have a tragedy that reflected so poorly on his public image hurt him personally, and had the potential to hurt him even more in the public eye. Thus, it’s no surprise that Dungy jumped at the opportunity to become a mentor to disgraced dog fighting champion and erstwhile NFL quarterback Michael Vick during his reclamation to freedom and football.

Four years ago, James Dungy’s girlfriend found the coach’s son after he committed “suicide” by “hanging” himself after friends reported that he was “depressed” following a weekend of partying with David Carradine, Michael Hutchens from INXS, and Chris Kattan. Dungy, who always valued his family greatly, was worried that the public would perceive him as a phony and a charlatan after his son’s suicide. After all, a child’s suicide is the third worst reflection on a parent, ranking directly behind gay and community college. With Vick’s reformation underway, the public once again perceives Dungy as a benevolent humanitarian rather than an absentee parent who spent 20 hours a day during his child’s formative years telling steroid users where to stand.

[RIGHT- Dungy explains to reporters how much Michael smells like his late son, James.]

The adjustment will be difficult for Vick, as well, who know faces the burden of maintaining a high level of person conduct without the daily supervision, regimen, and daily ass-raping to which he had become so accustomed. Vick must also get into shape to withstand the rigors of the NFL season after his workout routine for the last year consisted wholly of bench presses and commando ball for six hours each day, not to mention his diet of bologna sandwiches. Will he be able to face the pressures of being the backup quarterback for a team whose fans booed Santa Claus and cheered Michael Irvin’s potentially paralyzing neck injury? Considering that he is being shepherded by Dungy and Eagles coach Andy Reid, it’s a near certainty that Vick will follow the path of each man’s oldest son and become addicted to pain killers.

The developing relationship between Vick and Reid will be interesting to observe. Reid, a devout Mormon and family man himself, has had similar problems with his sons. Although they have yet to kill themselves or others, they have exhibited some of the most obnoxious spoiled rich kid behavior imaginable. It is not clear whether Reid’s strand of Mormonism embraces the Amish principle of letting children sow their wild oats before choosing a life of piety, but it is certain that he will have extra time for parenting duties while his son serves jail time for trying to bring illegal drugs into a courthouse where he was to undergo a drug test. Seriously. In any case, it is not hard to imagine Dungy and Reid becoming embroiled in a bizarre custody battle where the two failed parents can see who can screw up the already vulnerable Vick faster.

[LEFT- Reid, who may secretly want to eat Vick.]

Why the recently retired Dungy would want to take on the stress of tutoring the troubled Vick is a topic of much discussion among observers. When asked by a reporter recently why he chose to reach out to Vick, Dungy said, “He’s like the son I always wanted, but never had. Actually, I did have him, but then he killed himself, so he’s more like the son I always wanted, and did have, but then killed himself, but now I have again, if that makes sense.” Others have speculated that Vick was attractive to Dungy as a reclamation project in need of a father figure, but also as an icon in the black community, which was never quite sure if Dungy was part black, or just a really ethnic Greek or Italian.

Some members of Dungy’s inner circle have expressed confusion and apprehension about the former coach’s dedication to the incarcerated superstar. They say that Dungy coincidentally watched the movie Faceoff on TNT several months ago. Ever since then, he has been obsessed with recreating James’ personality and appearance to create the perfect son. Guests to the Dungy house witnessed him angrily insist that that 220 pound Vick sit in an infant’s high chair at dinner, then spank the quarterback when he said he did not need to have his diaper changed. Particularly disturbing was Dungy’s recent suggestion to Vick- that a truly fresh start would have to include a fresh appearance, after which he brought Vick to a plastic surgeon for a consultation.

What Dungy may have forgotten is that everybody knows that facial transplants lead to demon spawn trying to murder their creator. In scientific circles, it is known as the Godsend corollary, named after the Robert DeNiro, Rebecca Romijn documentary on the same topic. Without a doubt, if Dungy successfully convinces Vick to have plastic surgery to give him James Dungy’s face, his experiences with dog fighting will not rank among the most heinous crimes he will have committed.