Romney Backs Off of 47% Comments

“I meant that 47% will vote for Obama because they’re minorities. Not better? Ok, let me try again” says GOP nominee

By Martin Belafonte

Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney distanced himself from his comments that 47% of the electorate is “entitled” and will vote for Barack Obama no matter what today. The nominee came under fire this week when a recording of a closed-door fundraiser leaked to the press. The recording confirmed many Americans’ fears that Romney cares little for the working class.

At a press conference today, Romney tried to clarify his remarks. “See, I think everyone is taking that tape out of context,” he told reporters at a campaign stop in Clearwater, Florida. “When I said that 47% of the people will vote for Obama no matter what, I wasn’t talking about white people. I meant that 47% will vote for Obama because they’re minorities. Not better? OK, let me try again.”

As the press corps stared stone-faced back at the candidate, his normally unflappable demeanor appeared notably flapped. “Wow, more coloreds in this press group than I remembered. Haha. Did I say coloreds? I was joking. You know what a joker the MIttster is. Romney 2012! You don’t have to print any of this, you know.”

“I think people are getting the wrong idea. When I talk about the 47%, I am not talking about the middle class. In fact, I am talking about poor people who are trying to get rid of the middle class. That’s right, they’re trying to take it over! Are we going to let that happen?” Romney asked the increasingly hostile audience.

Romney continued, “Look, I think you’re getting the wrong idea about me. It is simple mathematics. Think of America as a pie. Now, if I called down to my cook and asked him to bake me a delicious acai berry and truffle oil pie and cut me a slice that represented Americans who don’t pay taxes, that would be a big slice! I would have to call my butler up to wrap up the part I couldn’t finish. Now that wouldn’t be very considerate of me, would it? And that’s the point I have been trying to make all along.”

“The part I just do not understand for one gosh darn minute is when people say that I‘m out of touch. It’s just not true! I put my magic underwear on one leg at a time just like the rest of you. I connect with the American people. For example, I love country music. Last week, I co-sponsored the Best Male Artist award at the CMAs. I couldn’t have been happier when Blake Shelton won the Old Spice Love Your Smelf-Romney 2012 Male Artist of the Year Award. I was so happy for him that I had the president of his recording company give me his info so I could have one of my people send him a congratulatory message on My Space. He owed me a favor anyway- I saved the company from bankruptcy after Napster was invented by firing all of their local distributors.”

“But I am getting off on a tangent. What is important is that the American people know that I connect with them and I still care about a slight majority of them.”

When asked for comment, President Obama was busy cackling and rolling a blunt.