Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.

Confucius Say “Take Saints Plus 4.5”

By Sylvester Granato

LAS VEGAS- Confucius, renowned Chinese intellectual master of personal morality, recently shifted gears from religious leadership to a field that may be more lucrative: sports betting. The philosopher, who did his most influential work in the 5th and 6th century BC, has used the lessons he learned from a lifetime of viewing human behavior to beat the Vegas insiders on college and professional football picks this season. Early returns show that Confucius’ great wisdom has translated to the gambling world with a 10-3-1 record against the spread in week 5 NFL picks and a season record of 12-3 in his Master Locks of the Week available on his tips hotline, 1-900-BETCONF.

[RIGHT- Confucius became interested in sports when he played small forward on the Chinese national team during the 590 BC Olympics.]

“Confucius say, ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius explained at a recent interview at his palatial Nevada estate paid for entirely in handicapping profits. “At start of year, nobody see beauty in Chiefs, but Confucius see improving defense, dynamic young offensive playmaker, and coaching staff that know how to win. Confucius rake in the cash picking Chiefs every week.”

Confucius says that it is important for bettors not to fixate too much on recent results. Instead, he advises his clients to be patient and wait out a team’s true talent. He points out that “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” and cautions players from abandoning a team that has talent but struggled out of the gate. In time, Confucius says, true talent will win out over the vagaries of individual games.

In addition to patience, Confucius insists that careful study and hard work outweighs luck in the long run. “Confucius say, I am not one who is born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.” Therefore, he says that one important factor going into each season is to understand how teams have performed against each other in past matchups, how well teams do against the spread at home or on the road, and results in games that are nationally televised or played at night instead of the day time. Confucius claims that there is no magic formula that gives him his picks, but that he tries to gain as much knowledge as possible before making any decisions and taking everything available into account. “Study the past if you would define the future,” Confucius says.

There is also a mechanical element to Confucius’ success: he does not sit idly by as betting lines move throughout the week. “Confucius say, ‘Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart,’ so it important to be confident in picks, but don’t be stupid. If line moves two-three points, buy back the public money and hedge against your first unit. Offshore bookmakers come out with odds earlier than most of the casinos, so there can be value in buying a team at that number before you see how the syndicates push the number once there is enough money in the till to uncap the limits later in the week, even if that mean Confucius have to shop for lines downtown up until start of games.”

So who does Confucius like in the upcoming games? He gave a free preview of some of his tips as part of the interview and his explanations gave a window into how the master of wisdom breaks down his picks every week.

“Confucius say, ‘an insinuating appearance is not often associated with true virtue.’ Texas might look like good pick +10 going into Nebraska because they have had good results in past, but Nebraska a good pick even though it not win pretty. Texas have trouble against UCLA spread offense, they face much more difficult challenge when they play athletic specimen like Taylor Martinez. Confucius like Nebraska by three touchdowns.”

“In NFL, Confucius say, ‘the superior man, when faced with security, does not forget the possibility of ruin.’ Confucius see the Jets as nine win team. They have everything go right on offense so far. Matt Sanchez throw only one interception after being turnover machine last year. Things not stay so good fo Jets all year. Jets defense very good, but they not blow out teams like they do the last few weeks. Confucius say that the Broncos are good home team, so you take the points and hope the score stay low.”

For more Confucius picks, call his tip hotline at 1-900-BETCONF. To read more about his betting and handicapping strategies, visit his offshore betting site, www.ConfuciusLocks.net.