Conditioner Is By Far the Best Buy In the Toiletries Aisle

By Terry Engram

TOLEDO- More often than not, when I run out of a bathroom necessity, I become irrationally annoyed, bordering on maniacal. Toothpaste tortures you for weeks before finally running out. You can squeeze from the bottom, roll up the tube, scrape just enough off of the side of the nozzle to brush your teeth, or even resort to fishing out a pair of pliers to forestall the new tube for one more day. Floss is even worse because you never know when it’s about to run out, so you spend a month wondering when it will finally spin off of the center wheel, leaving you with enough to thread between your teeth and wrap around one finger, but not both, so it slips off your fingers every time you move to a new tooth. Then you’re left with the dilemma of rearranging the next day around a trip to the store or waiting until the next grocery run and letting your gums swell up so bad that you bleed like a hockey player by the time you finally have some floss. The worst of all may be contact solution. It always feels like you have about a week left when you hear that sickening sucking noise where the last bit of solution turns to obnoxious bubbles. What are you supposed to do at that point, spit it in the contact case? Sleep in your contacts? If you use tap water, the chlorine will make your eyes feel like a six year old’s urine decomposing in a public pool. Then you go to the store and the cheapest bottle of solution is $9 for the size of a can of Coke. The store brand of “saline” solution is $2.50, but there must be some reason it’s so much cheaper, and since we’re talking about eyes, the prospect of going blind is enough to make me spend the extra money, but not enough to make me feel good about it.

But there is one toiletry that doesn’t make me want to strangle domestic pets when I have to buy a refill. In fact, the contrast between the value of this toiletry and all others makes me feel perversely satisfied every time I get in the shower. The toiletry to which I am referring, of course, is conditioner. A bottle of conditioner costs about $1.19 and it lasts for three or four months. You can see through the translucent bottle, so even though you use the conditioner every day, you know exactly when you’re about to run out. It makes your hair feel great after you use it, your hair looks better, and it is more manageable, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Buying a good conditioner is not a given, though. It takes careful planning and decisive action to get the right conditioner. For one, if you’re not careful, you could end up with some fruity smelling conditioner that will make everyone in your office wonder why your desk smells like the body spray that you get at Claire’s. I call this problem the “Passionfruit Sunrise Dilemma.” Personally, I usually go with more of a subtle, neutral scent, something along the lines of vanilla or coconut. Also, not everybody is going to use the same kind of $1.19 conditioner that works so well for me. If you’re using my bargain bin Suave and you look like Crystal Gayle, you’re probably going to end up looking like Cousin Itt met the business end of an electrical socket.

[RIGHT- Crystal Gayle provided hair care inspiration to hundreds of home-schooled children nationwide.]

Those 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner combos don’t even get a foot in the door. Seriously, they suck worse than Andy Dick at a Jonas Brothers concert after downing three Mike’s Hard Lemonades. My God, can you image the hangover you would get if you just drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade all the time? They should make a special express lane at IHOP for those people, because I don’t think the rest of the world even wants to see what that hangover looks like. If I was in that position, I might feel the same way about those econo-size jugs of Tylenol from Costco as I do about conditioner.

But I digress. My point is that 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioners do not clean nor condition your hair. It’s like they just put random leftover sludge in the bottle, like the hot dog of hair care products. If your hair is too dry, you assume there’s too much shampoo. If it’s too oily, you assume there’s too much conditioner. Either way, there’s nothing you can do other than throw away the last 97% of the bottle and hope you do better the next time. You can’t always consolidate two steps into one to speed things up. You can’t stretch and run at the same time without falling down and eating shit. You can’t cook dinner and wash the dishes together without soaping up your food and getting dysentery. And you can’t eat and drink simultaneously without choking; I’ve tried- it’s a complete disaster.

I guess when it comes down to it, Billy Madison was onto something when he pointed out just how valuable conditioner really is. No matter what havoc is going on in my life, I can take comfort in knowing that every morning, I can get in the shower and see a translucent beacon of precious efficiency that will never let me down. And that is why conditioner is undoubtedly the best buy in the toiletry aisle.

America’s Support for Michelle Obama’s Arms Sags

By Danielle Weatherford

WASHINGTON- Nearly a year after assuming her role as First Lady, Michelle Obama is facing a national crisis of confidence regarding her toned, sexy arms. With twelve months of sleeveless tops and no end in sight to the country’s tough economic and political times, many Americans are questioning whether they should have ever put so much faith in Michelle Obama’s arms in the first place.

In a recent Fox News opinion poll, only 38% of a random sample described Obama’s arms as “alluring” or “very alluring,” down from 61% following her husband’s election and a peak of 67% shortly after his inauguration. Conversely, polls indicate that support for a random set of disembodied Republican arms has surged from a 23% nadir to a recent zenith of 42%. While most of the improved support arises out of the Republicans’ improved mobilization of obese independents, there has also been a small amount of movement among Michelle Obama’s arms’ base of personal trainers and tri-athletes.

In addition to Michelle Obama’s arms’ failure to fix the healthcare industry or decrease the unemployment rate, the Republican Party deserves some credit for their shrinking popularity. Over the last year, the GOP has mounted an aggressive and far-reaching campaign against her arms that has employed everything from public smear tactics to draconian legislative procedures aimed at staunching the fervor over her sinewy limbs. Last week on Fox News Sunday, for instance, House Minority Leader John Boehner said that Michelle Obama’s arms, “don’t have the experience or the people skills to bring America together,” adding that “they look nice, but I don’t think they can even unite more than two people, let alone an entire country.” Broadcaster Brit Hume agreed, saying that Michelle Obama’s arms won’t regain their former stature until they stop embracing dumbbells and start embracing their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even Senator Joe Lieberman, the erstwhile Democrat, delivered a veiled jab recently when he said that her arms, “are certainly not what we were led to believe they would be.”

[LEFT- Michelle Obama doesn't take tickets to her gun show- the 24" pythons are on display all day, every day.]

One criticism about Michelle Obama’s arms is that she was less than forthcoming about her workout plan from the early stages. At first, she sought to empower people to find their own workouts that best fit with their own biochemistry. Over time, though, it has become apparent that the rousing power of Michelle Obama’s arms cannot withstand a shroud of secrecy. She recently outlined her program to CNN- 5 different exercises with lightweight dumbbells for 15 minutes five times a week and high intensity cardio for 20 minutes three times a week-, but it may be too late. The toned, sexy arms that seemed inspirational a year ago have started to frustrate many women who have found that they cannot replicate her look without bulking up to bodybuilder size or taking anabolic steroids. Also, many out-of-shape women who have already broken their new year’s resolutions have criticized her for showing too much skin and “showing off” by wearing sleeveless gowns in subzero temperatures.

[RIGHT- Obama poses for notoriously steroid-friendly fitness rag Vogue.]

While Michelle Obama’s arms’ supporters say that many of the nation’s challenges were out of her hands, so to speak, detractors have pointed out that little has changed in a year despite lofty campaign promises. Many commentators have argued that the White House would have been more prepared to respond to the Christmas Day Bomber if she had not been doing dips all morning, while others have said that she has not worked hard enough, citing her inability to “strong-arm” the Republican minority into a compromise on healthcare. Televangelist Pat Robertson has seen wider-ranging implications. “If God wanted our womenfolk to look like men, he would have made Eve look like Steve. I talked to God just last week, and he pointed out to me that there was never a Haitian earthquake that killed 100,000 people before Michelle Obama’s arms were in power.”

President Obama has faced a similar struggle to maintain the groundswell of support he built up over his year on the campaign trail. As the recession has dragged on, Americans have been eager to blame those currently in power, but the President says it is not fair to levy all of the blame on his administration. “We have made great strides in the last year, but of course we could have done more,” the President told reporters in the Rose Garden this week. “I have to do a better job of bringing people together, and my advisors have to continue getting our message out to the people, but most of all, my wife’s arms need to start living up to the hype. Literally, I cannot think of a single thing that her arms have done to help the country since I have been in office despite the inordinate amount of attention they receive.”

What’s next for Michelle Obama’s arms? Physiological historians point out that first ladies often face a loss of support during their first year in office, but that has not stopped some pundits from pointing out that her arms might be vulnerable to Sarah Palin’s legs in 2012. Palin, who recently signed a deal with Fox News to work as a host for the channel, has reestablished herself in the national spotlight and has not ruled out the possibility of putting her pencil skirts against Michelle’s tank tops in the next election cycle. On the other hand, Michelle Obama’s arms can take solace in the fact that they are in much better than many of their predecessors. They are certainly in a better position than Barbara Bush’s jowls in 1989, and they are in another league altogether from Hilary Clinton’s thighs.

Why Can’t People Just Be Stupid Anymore?

By Ralph Appleton

BEVERLY HILLS- As many of you may know, autism rates have soared in parts of Southern California in recent years. In fact, the most recent generation of babies is four times more likely to be diagnosed with autism in certain suburbs of Los Angeles than any other part of California, let alone the country. What I don’t understand is why we have to take something perfectly normal, like stupidity, and start making excuses for it.

Back in my school days, there were plenty of kids around the school who were just stupid. There was Timmy who ate dirt during recess; there was Jessie, the fat girl who wore the same dolphin shirt to school every day; even Brad, the giant kid who freaked out when anyone touched his head. Now, these kids were a little bit weird, and the probably finished high school with a GPA around 1.7, but they spent their days learning how to behave around normal people rather than having their tapioca pudding fed to them by two dropouts from the teachers’ college with bad perms and high-water jeans like the kids who had to be strapped down to avoid swallowing their own tongues. Did Timmy, Jessie, or Brad go on to become Nobel or Pulitzer Prize winners? Of course not- I’m sure they’re stuck somewhere between part-time employee at the local library and working their way up to weekend shift-supervisor at Wendy’s. But my point is that they were treated like normal people, and they learned to behave at least somewhat like normal people.

These days, the first time a kid drools on himself or shows the signs of a lazy eye, his parents rush him to the local child psychologist who has no choice but to give the most aggressive diagnosis possible in order to avoid liability when the little idiot shoves a fork into the toaster out of curiosity. The parents are depressed and go through the motions of being in denial- don’t get me wrong, I would be pissed if I had a retard baby, but I also wouldn’t go out of my way to get him classified as such- while they secretly feel relieved that biology has excused any mistakes they made. Diagnosing the kid with autism takes the parent off the hook, you see, because there was never anything that could have been done to prevent the kid from being stupid.

[RIGHT- Dumb kid, or autistic kid?]

So now we’re left with a whole society of developmentally disabled kids who need thousands of dollars in government services in order to become disabled adults who need thousands of dollars in government services. Can someone explain to me how this is better than just letting them be the dumb kids in class? Don’t try to make it a stigma thing, because I assure you that there’s no worse stigma in 7th grade than being retarded. Well, unless you’re the kid who had to do a math problem on the board with an obvious boner- that might be worse. There are plenty of parts of the country, and even parts of California, where the first inclination is not to run to the doctor to get the kid diagnosed with autism to make it look like his stupidity is not the parents’ responsibility. Florida’s 4.2% rate of autism diagnosis makes California’s double digits look absurd- is there really something in the water that’s making all of our kids retarded? No, Florida just has the good sense to teach these kids to grow up to be unemployed adults in wife beaters who live in motor homes with a full set of ratty furniture in the front yard- meth addiction optional. So maybe Florida doesn’t have it all figured out, but at least they’re not wasting millions of dollars treating people who could contribute to society in some way. As the great Judge Smails once said, the world needs ditch diggers too.

Some people like to blame vaccines for the high rates of autism in California, even though the studies that initially suggested that hypothesis have been completely debunked. Even if there is a 1 out of 10,000 chance that a kid gets autism because of taking a vaccine, society decided a long time ago that the risk is preferable to everyone having mumps. Have you ever had mumps? No, so I don’t want to hear you bitching about it. If that were the case, then the rates of autism would be the same everywhere. It’s not the stripper with the GED in Jacksonville who is worried about the vaccination risks; it’s the uptight housewife in Glendale who saw Jenny McCarthy and her retard baby on The View. And guess which location has higher rates of autism. That’s right! The ones who have the vaccinations! Not only do the kids with vaccinations not have autism, they also don’t have mumps, so shut the fuck up.

It’s not just stupidity that’s being explained away by junk medicine. Think back to when you were in school. I guarantee there was a fat kid in your class who faced relentless teasing every time he tried to eat. Maybe it made him develop a sense of humor, maybe it helped him grow a thicker skin, or maybe it caused irreparable emotional harm. In any case, that kid does not exist today. Instead, there are third-graders suffering from diabetes. That’s not an excuse for being fat! Diabetics are old people with compression socks for their swollen ankles, giant wrap-around sunglasses, and 8-volt Rascal scooters, not kids who eat too much cake. Get your kid to stop playing Call of Duty and drinking Fresca a couple afternoons a week and send him to the YMCA and see how his diabetes are doing then.

Maybe I’m getting off topic here. My point is that people need to stop freaking out and finding a medical diagnosis for everything that goes wrong in life. Sometimes you have kids who turn out to be smart, sometimes you have kids who turn out to be stupid, and sometimes you have kids who turn out to be completely fucking Rahm Emanuel. The sooner we accept that, they better off we will all be. And the mindset that every stupid kid must have some medical diagnosis to legitimate his condition is, in a word, retarded.

Sunshine Doughnuts Workers Strike for Share of Swollen Profits

By Tamara Wynn

DoughnutGate 2010
OMG Teh Newz Continuing CoverageFor more on DoughnutGate 2010, click here

COLORADO SPRINGS- The nation turned its attention back to Colorado Springs this week as the city’s Sunshine Doughnuts bakery became the focal point of another economic furor. Sunshine Doughnuts, which received extensive scrutiny in October for raising the price of its day-old doughnuts from $0.20 to $0.25, has begun to feel the effects of the price change. While the 25% price increase on day-olds created windfall profits for owner Tom Shleby and his family, but with great power comes great responsibility, and Shelby’s growing business has created labor strife on a scale which Sunshine Doughnuts have never experienced before.

Tensions came to a head this week when Sunshine Doughnuts night manager Darren Phillips rounded up all of the store’s part-time employees and persuaded them to demand higher wages in response to the business’ growing revenues. “The situation we have here is that these corporate fat cats are getting rich off of our blood, sweat, and tears and we’re not seeing our share of the profits!” Phillips railed at the rowdy rabble of Sunshine bakers, consisting of six students from the community college, a burnout who got fired from the post office, and two Guatemalans who work off the books. “It’s not right, it’s not fair, and it’s not right! Obama promised us change, but if he’s not going to give it to us, then we’re going to have to get it ourselves! We’ve got bills to pay, and mouths to feed, and the Shelbys are making all this extra money, and we don’t have a penny to show for it.”

Phillips pointed to the Shelbys’ recent vacation to Fort Lauderdale as an example of the new regime of corporate largesse that has overtaken Sunshine Doughnuts. According to Phillips, the Shelbys all flew first class across country on the trip, and when the airline lost their luggage, every member of the family bought a new wardrobe rather than waiting one day for the luggage to arrive. He claims to have obtained this information by following Tom’s wife Dana on Twitter, where she posted updates and pictures from the vacation.

Tom Shelby was evasive when questioned about his company’s conflicts with its fledgling union. “Has Darren been watching Michael Moore movies again? Every so often, he gets an idea in his head from something he saw on TV and starts thinking he’s some revolutionary. He’s like one of those Sarah Palin activists who talks about her fresh views and knows three catchphrases, but literally understands nothing about politics, except he’s the idiot who stumbled into being a liberal,” Shelby explained in a half-hearted attempt to excuse his own greed. “The thing about our vacation is totally bogus. Dana got upgraded to first class because the airline lost our luggage; we didn’t have to pay for it. And we didn’t buy a new wardrobe, we just got T-shirts from one of those cheap souvenir shops to wear until the airline got our luggage back,” was the only pathetic excuse the green-eyed devil could marshal in his favor. He went on to say, “I think we have literally made about $30 off of the increased price on day-olds. He needs to calm down.”

[RIGHT- Local protesters stand in solidarity with the oppressed working class of the Sunshine Doughnuts empire. Police were called to use tear gas to pacify the lynch mob.]

The possibility of calming down seems slim with the fiery rhetoric coming out of the union camp. Phillips has enlisted prominent Denver labor attorney Jerry Jackson to represent the Sunshine workers in negotiations, which have yet to be scheduled. “I don’t care what Shelby does as long as cuts the check, but until he cuts the check, I don’t want to hear his excuses,” Jackson told reporters at a press conference Monday. “There’s three things in the world that we care about right now, and they’re cash, credit, and checks. We speak the language of the dollar, and we are fed up management’s avarice and selfishness.”

While the labor movement has a strong moral basis for their position, they must be careful not to antagonize the business tycoons into compromising their product with replacement bakers. Further complicating matters is the fact that the labor group is seeking what they call a fair share of future profits from probable sales through a possible Sunshine Doughnuts online ordering feature. They claim that online orders will exponentially increase profits by allowing groups to pre-order breakfasts and snacks, and that the revenue should be distributed to those who have worked on the baked goods. On the other hand, Shelby points out that the website has not even been completed, and any profit calculation would be highly speculative, so much so that the contractual terms would almost certainly be too vague to enforce.

One factor to take into consideration in the doughnut imbroglio is the effect of outside pressures on ownership. National opinion polls show 2:1 support for the Sunshine Doughnuts employees, and a hard-line approach to negotiations could cost Shelby his company’s good reputation. Phillips ended his press conference by quoting Golden Globe winner Jeff Bridges from his award-winning educational exposition of the Hyundai Assurance program by saying, “Remember, the economy has not truly gotten better for any of us, until it has gotten better for all of us.”