Swagger back at the U, felonies to follow

By Sharon Davis

MIAMI- The Miami Hurricanes football program was known for its brash cockiness during its run as the nation’s top program in the late 1980s and early 2000s. Each run was also accompanied by a rash of behavior that ranged from borderline illegal to downright depraved. Now, head coach Randy Shannon appears to have the U back on the winning track, and the highly immoral hedonism that has long characterized the program is sure to follow in short order.
[LEFT- Hurricane alum Michael Irvin poses for a picture that demonstrates how convenient it is that Miami wears bright orange jerseys.]

“It’s good to have the Canes back in the mix as one of the best football teams in the country,” said running back Graig Cooper, who rushed for 93 yards in last week’s 33-17 curb-stomping of #14 Georgia Tech. “I know the schedule starts out tough, but if we can get some wins under our belt, I think we could get as much media attention as any team in the country, and some of it might actually be for our play on the field.” Experts say that Cooper, a junior, has a good chance at making the All-Conference team if he continues his strong play, and an even better chance at facing charges for a sex crime before the Canes bowl game. Observers differ, however, as to whether Cooper is more likely to be found in possession of GHB or to expose himself to an underage female student at a house party. In either case, Cooper is sure to bring Miami the type of notoriety that has been conspicuously absent since the salad days of Michael Irvin’s crack pipe and Luther Campbell paying players for taking out opponents.



The Miami renaissance has been lead by Sophomore Jacory Harris, a gun-slinging quarterback who is part Vince Young, part Kanye West, and all basket case. Standing 6’4”, weighing 170 pounds, and hailing from south Florida, Harris has all the makings of a crack head, but his potential for odd behavior has proven to exceed that of the everyday drug addict. Donning stunna shades and asymmetrical lines shaved into the sides of his head as he enters practice, Harris exemplifies the 21st century direction of this bunch of Hurricanes miscreants. His publicist has already booked him to call in and interrupt Taylor Swift on a local morning radio show, and advisers have encouraged him to start posting incriminating messages on Twitter to raise his profile.

Some say that the Miami football program lends itself to lunacy due to the constant heat and humidity of the region; others argue that the pressure of playing for one of the most storied programs in the nation takes its toll on players and coaches alike. University President Donna Shalala has a different take on the situation.

“Honestly, the Hurricanes football program has such a strong history of antisocial behavior because we allow anarchy to reign unabated as long as it keeps the University’s name in the national news. Whereas other programs find new coaches, athletic directors, and even university presidents, we’re happy to maintain the status quo as long as we get money from the TV networks and free advertising on ESPN. Look at what happened in our game against Florida International a few years ago- the entire team started a brawl on the field; players were swinging helmets at each other; an announcer even celebrated the melee by saying that it exemplified Miami football. Did heads roll? Of course not. We didn’t even reprimand [head coach] Randy [Shannon]. In fact, Randy is something of a cash cow. As a black man, and one with such a dignified appearance, nobody is going to notice what a shit show he has been running for at least a year or two longer than they did when Larry Coker was the coach, that bug-eyed lunatic. I call it the Tommy Amaker syndrome.”

Shalala, the longtime Miami president is rumored to be angling for a Senate run in 2012. In Florida, it may work.

The trajectory of the Hurricanes season will be heavily impacted by the outcome of their next two games, both against ranked opponents. Next week, the Canes go on the road to face ACC rival Virginia Tech. The following week, preseason #3 Oklahoma comes to Miami in what may be Heisman hopeful QB Sam Bradford’s first game back from a shoulder injury. “Bradford might come in as a Heisman candidate,” said superstar defensive back Randy Phillips, a lock to see his NFL draft stock slip precipitously after failing a drug test at the combine, “but he damn sure ain’t leaving Miami has a Hesiman favorite, whether we intercept him three times, or re-injure that precious shoulder.” Phillips went on to say that his comments shouldn’t necessarily be interpreted as a threat that he would personally try to injure Bradford with a dirty hit after a play, but that he “wouldn’t rule out the possibility entirely.”

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[RIGHT- Vivica A. Fox is a cautionary tale for implants gone wrong.]

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Scalia’s legal reasoning devolves into the theater of his twisted imagination

By Roger Berdisch

WASHINGTON- Supreme Court observers have expressed concern in recent weeks that the high court’s most eccentric member, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, may finally have gone off the deep end. Scalia, long regarded as a defiant constructionist and something of an anachronism for modern times, lost the support of much of his remaining contingency when he penned a dissent in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission which legal scholars have called, “completely devoid of any cogent legal analysis.”

Topping the list of critics’ complaints about Scalia’s opinion was the fact that he drew an extended analogy between the case’s First Amendment free speech components, and the folksy witticism, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Along this line of reasoning, Scalia argued that any individual or institution which seeks to make campaign contributions must sit through a timeshare presentation of proportional length in order to air their advertisements, or else purchase 10 regular Quiznos subs at regular price before receiving an advertising slot of equal or lesser value. The Court’s six member majority voiced its disapproval for Scalia’s line of analogous reasoning in Chief Justice John Roberts’ majority opinion, which characterized the dissent as, “worthless Dago drivel, unbecoming of our chambers.”

Scalia earlier drew the attention of skeptics during oral arguments last week, when Justice Samuel Alito had to repeatedly remind him that the Supreme Court was not bound by the precedent of Murphy’s Law. While hearing the arguments from an attorney in a medical malpractice case, Scalia persistently and pointedly inquired as to whether the plaintiff should have foreseen that her plastic surgery consent would have covered the possibility that her chart would be switched and she would be given a hysterectomy, simply because “anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” When informed that Murphy’s Law was not an actual piece of legislation, Scalia acted befuddled, and asked whether it might have been passed recent in Nevada, or if there was some jurisdictional confusion about the case.

Scalia also demonstrated questionable legal rationale at a recent speech given during the convocation at American University in Washington, DC. At the speech, Scalia took up the controversial subject of gun control, where he pointed out that his strict constructionist style of Constitutional interpretation led him to reason that the framers of the Constitution intended that the Second Amendment would preserve an absolute right of gun ownership. When asked how he knew this precept to be the framers’ intent, Scalia angrily insisted that he had discerned the information directly from Thomas Jefferson and James Madison over a bottle of whiskey in Constitution Hall after he used his super powers to fly backward around the Earth several times, creating a time travel effect- just like in Superman 3.

[RIGHT- Scalia explains why the Eighth Commandment is his favorite to an empty library.]

Mark Sterling, a professor of psychology at Horace Lake Community College, said that Scalia’s erratic behavior is not out of line with the way many celebrities act after spending a substantial amount of time in the public eye. “When one perceives that the world revolves around him, that deep-seated, routine narcissism becomes part of his reality,” Sterling said. “Scalia shows the tell-tale sign of not being able to hold a conversation that does not revolve around the topic of the Great Antonin Scalia. His affliction is not at all uncommon among powerful males, as the same traits can be seen in Kim Jong-Il, Idi Amin, and Lance Armstrong.”

Scalia’s behavior has grown progressively more disturbing. A few months ago, he began citing precedent from Night Court, various Sherlock Holmes novels, and Paula Deen’s Down Home Cookbook in his opinions. More recently, aids have expressed concern about his new habit of wearing garter belts on the bench and swallowing a handful of prescription painkillers and Adderall before writing. Additionally, Scalia ignited a media storm weeks ago when he accidentally CC’d several reporters on an email sent to Democratic leader Howard Dean, in which he asked the former presidential candidate if he would be interested in a “romantic weekend getaway in my ass.” Scalia’s representative promptly claimed that the email was a misunderstanding, and that Dean was the one who was a fag, while Scalia loves the pussy.

Recently, Scalia’s behavior has devolved even further into petty and childish attacks aimed at the other members of the court. After Justice John Paul Stevens accused Scalia of engaging in irresponsible jurisprudence for ruling against a party because, “his attorney is Mexican, and everybody knows I hate Mexicans,” Scalia began endlessly pestering Stevens. His antics have ranged from sending him links to scat porn websites to flinging spitballs at Stevens during oral argumentation. Court historians have called the episode, “regrettable” and “one of the five or six most childish things we have seen in this courtroom in the last century.”

When asked if he was concerned by Scalia’s behavior, President Obama expressed a calm demeanor. “Justice Scalia is another in the long line of conservatives who were relegated to the lunatic fringe when a black man was finally elected President,” Obama said. “Plus, the way he lives, I don’t suppose he will last too much longer. I have death by prostate cancer in August of 2012 in the White House office pool.”