Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

The Obama administration and the Secret Service came under fire this week following the revelation that several Secret Service agents visited a harem while on official duty in Colombia. Shockingly, the agents betrayed the primary implication of their agency’s name by disclosing their identity and sharing confidential information with the prostitutes. While prostitution is legal in Colombia, many have said that the President’s personal security team ought to adhere to a higher standard of decorum than “When in Rome.” Additionally, the story became public when one of the agents refused to pay a prostitute what she said he owed her, offering $50 instead of $250.

Revealing secret identities? Haggling over prices? That doesn’t sound like the Secret Service so proudly depicted on television and in the movies. When I heard this story, my antennae shot up, and the results of my investigation may shock you.

A confidential source revealed to me that Secret Service agents indeed visited the brothel on the date in question. In fact, it is not uncommon for agents to visit brothels, drink to excess, or even dabble in whatever recreational drugs are available in a given area. They perform a stressful job, and there has long been an unspoken understanding that they are allowed to let loose while canvassing before the President’s official visit commences. The agents understand that they have a good deal, and like any beneficiary of great generosity, they know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. The agents are discrete by trade, and would never let it slip that they are on an assignment, and they would certainly never start the sort of commotion associated with a price dispute.

Clint Eastwood's character from In the Line of Fire would be ashamed.

Unfortunately, a perfect storm conspired against the Secret Service in this case. The same week that the Secret Service was preparing for President Obama’s trip to Colombia, two graduate students from the University of Virginia’s Latin American Studies PHD program were taking a research-oriented spring break trip to Colombia. The students, Myles Hobson, 27 , and Jeremy Little, 28, happened to visit the same brothel as the Secret Service agents, and happened to be in the adjacent rooms. Moreover, the impish duo, ashamed to explain their actual occupation to the escorts, stated that they were undercover Secret Service agents. It may seem implausible that two civilians would present themselves as Secret Service agents to foreign prostitutes, but “Secret Service agent” is actually the third most common fantasy profession chosen by pathetic American men trying to impress foreign prostitutes, right after “Air Force Pilot” and “Racecar Driver.”

Typically, housing actual Secret Service agents and imposter Secret Service agents in adjacent rooms would not pose a problem, but the situation escalated when the graduate students realized they did not have enough money to pay the high-class escorts. Due to their academic knowledge of Colombia, the students assumed that the exchange rate would translate into a relatively affordable price for the prostitutes. What they didn’t realize was that the market for high-class prostitutes is dominated by foreign dignitaries and wealthy businessmen, so the prevailing exchange rate does not deflate the cost. An argument ensued, and when the actual Secret Service agents heard the words “Secret Service” being yelled through the walls, they assumed they were under attack.

At that point, the actual agents formulated a plan to infiltrate the adjoining room. They instructed their prostitutes to knock on the door then followed them into the room with guns drawn. When the situation was explained to them, they paid off the difference in cost and quickly left the hotel. Unluckily, due to Colombia’s high rate of kidnapping, the hotel has state-of-the-art security cameras near all of the exits that captured footage of them leaving the building. Additionally, the security guard who had been called by the students’ prostitutes before the actual agents arrived finally showed up and started questioning the students about what happened [Ed. Note: Colombian security guards are famous for being paragons of thoroughness and integrity]. Since they had already signed the hotel’s registry and listed “Secret Service” under their occupation, the guard wrote in his report that two Secret Service agents had a price dispute with two of their prostitutes.

When word of the disturbance got back to the United States, the security camera footage was enough proof to convince Congressman Darrel Issa that the story was true, which led to his press release that launched the scandal. From there, the agents were immediately trotted out to be this week’s target of American outrage and scorn, even though the real culprits were two clueless graduate students posing as Secret Service agents as part of a sex tourism fantasy.