Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

“Principal for a Day” Program Goes Horribly Awry

By Parker Wallace

COLUMBUS- The “Principal for a Day” Program at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School in northeastern Columbus was derailed on Tuesday when it was discovered that 6-year old Tommy Warrick was woefully underqualified. After winning the honor for coming in first place in his 1st grade spelling bee, Warrick was completely overwhelmed by the complex administrative and personnel duties that the usual principal, Maureen Jackson, deals with every day.

Warrick began the day of abject failure by arriving later than is customary for the principal. While Principal Jackson would normally get to school between 6:30 and 7 A.M., Warrick did not arrive until approximately 7:55 A.M, only minutes before the school’s bell was set to ring. As a result, secretary Norma Flynn had to arrange coverage for two absent teachers, field over 20 phone calls from parents, dispatch a janitor to fix a broken faucet in the girl’s bathroom, and monitor the staff sign-in sheet with no assistance. When an exasperated Flynn asked Warrick if there was any reason for his late arrival, the child unsympathetically brushed aside her concern, saying that, “this is the time my mom always drops me off.”

The situation became even worse for Flynn when she asked Warrick what he wanted to drink. Jackson customarily drinks hot tea in the morning, but occasionally prefers coffee with cream and Splenda. Instead, Warrick told Flynn that he wanted orange juice. When he was informed that the office only had coffee and tea prepared, he said that he “does not like coffee and tea,” and “wants orange juice.” Flynn interpreted the request as a directive from a superior and left the school to drive to the nearest 7-11 and purchase a bottle of orange juice with her own money. From there, the monumental failure of Warrick's administration would only deepen.

[LEFT- If only Warrick had taken his responsibility as seriously as last year's Principal for a Day, Peter Filstrom, perhaps this mammoth catastrophe could have been averted.]

Flynn’s momentary absence left an administrative hole in the main office for which Warrick was not able to compensate. At 8:30 A.M., Jennifer Baggerly, the K-3 music teacher arrived at the main office during her prep period with Dan Stephens, a staff representative for the National Educators Association. Principal Jackson had scheduled a disciplinary meeting with Baggerly to discuss her inappropriate use of sick days for personal leave. Since Baggerly had received previous coaching on the subject, the meeting was intended to progress her discipline to a last chance agreement, thus requiring representation from her union. While Jackson prefers to deal with disciplinary matters in a factual and non-confrontational fashion, Warrick’s management style proved to be substantially less advanced. When Baggerly and Stephens entered the office for their meeting, he was hiding under the desk with chairs set up to enclose himself in a fort. He then told Baggerly that she “smells like cats,” and refused to come out from under the desk. When told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss Baggerly’s use of sick leave, he said “grandma’s sick and she smells like cats too.” At that point, an exasperated Stephens requested that the meeting be rescheduled and left the office, adding another catastrophe to Warrick's short resume.

The next two hours were quiet, as Flynn managed the office affairs while Warrick figured out how to log onto Jackson’s computer and distracted himself by watching videos of people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on YouTube. The peacefulness was disturbed when beloved lunchroom supervisor Dorothy Tabin entered the office to check in for her shift. When Warrick saw Tabin, he ran out from behind his desk and hugged her leg. When she said she needed him to let go because it was unprofessional and she needed to go to the lunchroom, he continued to hold on and squeezed even tighter. Tabin has since contacted an attorney and said that she plans on suing Warrick and the school district for sexual harassment and for creating a work environment in which she feels uncomfortable. When contacted, the school district had no comment on the subject.

In the afternoon, Warrick became angry when he learned that the principal does not get a break for recess. He saw many of his classmates playing kickball on the fields outside the school and told Flynn that he was going to play with them. When Flynn reminded him that his signature was required to approve dozens of expense reports, Warrick became irritated and threw the folder full of reports on the floor, scattering several hours’ worth of receipt collation. It was one of the most petulant administrative acts anyone had seen since the former 6th grade basketball coach, Mr. Harris, kicked over a water cooler after a referee called his star player for traveling.

Finally, Warrick finished the day by failing miserably at a budget committee meeting at the school district’s downtown headquarters. He started by backing Jackson’s car into two separate parked cars in the parking lot, then hit and ran several more vehicles on the 10-minute drive to the headquarters. He eventually arrived without the presentation on Hayes Elementary’s cutbacks proposal that was required for the meeting, which meant that the school’s budget would automatically revert to the control of the city council. Once again, Warrick’s wanton fiscal and administrative irresponsibility resulted in a management nightmare for Hayes Elementary.

As a result of Warrick’s abysmal performance as principal for a day, the school is contemplating altering the rules of the contest going forward. For example, under one proposed rule change, any student who wins the award would have to undergo a 30-minute tutorial on being a principal before assuming total control of the school.

ESPN Announces New 24-Hour Sports Gossip Network

By Wallace Parker

BRISTOL- Executives of the sports network ESPN announced plans this week to launch a new channel dedicated entirely to tabloid journalism and speculative gossip related to the world of sports. The network, a joint venture between ESPN and popular tabloid magazine US Weekly, will be known as eUSpn and will use a silhouette of Brett Favre’s penis for its logo.

“Today is an exciting day for people who sort of like sports, but who really enjoy the pageantry and rumor-mongering that have come to be a staple of sports in the modern era,” George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN told reporters at a news conference. “We came to realize that our core audience would be best served by reporting on gossip that is tangentially related to sports around the clock, because those fans are actually more interested in hearing about Cam Newton’s improper benefits, Albert Haynesworth running laps on the sidelines, Lebron's posse, and David Beckham’s newest pube style than watching actual sports.”

The decision represents a departure for the network, which was originally launched to show sports 24-7. In the early years, ESPN showed live sporting events almost around the clock, breaking occasionally to show highlights from other events. Now, ESPN intermittently breaks from sports-tinged rants by useless talking heads to show heavily-produced clips of sports. The advent of eUSpn will reconcile that tension by focusing all of the gossip on one channel while allowing the flagship network to go back to its original modus operandi: televising World’s Strongest Man and darts marathons.

Early rumors indicate that the network will launch early next year with a special countdown of the most riveting postgame non-handshakes of the last 50 years. With offenders ranging from the Bad Boy Pistons to Jim Schwartz and John Harbaugh, the show is full of enough catfight material to make the bitchiest real housewife shake in her stilettos and reach for the hormone

therapy pills.

[LEFT: Roger Clemens was known as The Rocket on ESPN. On eUSpn, he will be known as The Defendant.]

The network has already started development of several other programs. Postgame Live will be hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and will feature wives and girlfriends of athletes reacting to games that have just been completed and promoting philanthropic ventures that may or may not exist. E! veteran Melissa Rivers has also been brought on to co-star in a red carpet show in which she and Jay Mariotti will criticize whatever athletes wore to recent black tie events. Finally, The Leadership Hour will feature inane blowhard Merrill Hodge yelling about players’ intangibles every night from 7-8 PM EST.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the network may also merge some of US Weekly’s content into the on-air realm. One feature that may be in development is an “Athletes: They’re just like us” segment in which sports stars are shown holding kids or taking out garbage. The feature has proven itself invaluable to the magazine because it makes the stars relatable, which makes readers more likely to buy their weight loss supplements and/or bogus energy bracelets. The channel will also show daily clips of athletes on vacation, highlighting those who have killer bods, or perhaps those sporting baby bumps. In all segments, athletes will be referred to by mindless nicknames and uncorroborated rumors will be expressed as highly-suggestive statements with question marks, such as “D-Wade: a new daddy?” One subject that remains unresolved is whether the network will air any footage of actual athletic events. While some say those clips should remain in the territory of ESPN, others think that there are too many great endzone dances, sideline arguments, and dugout Gatorade cooler attacks at stake.

Mr. Bodenheimer went on to say that the change in direction has been a long time coming. He referred to the gravitational shift in American society away from substance and toward relentless gossip-mongering. “We saw the direction of television news as a harbinger for the rest of the entertainment industry. When they stopped talking about policy and replaced all of their anchors with the equivalent of Page 6 columnists, we saw the writing on the wall. That made it clear to us that the future was in Eurotrash tabloid celebrity gossip. That, and the growth of soccer in America.”

ESPN says that the diversification will have the added benefit of growing the brand in a new direction. For instance, the network anticipates that its anchors will become pop culture personalities rather than anonymous talking heads, much like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Perez Hilton, and Harvey Levin are integral parts of the stories on which they report rather than neutral observers. In its early days, ESPN was praised for cultivating talented on-air personalities, such as Dan Patrick, Charlie Steiner, and Keith Olberman, but has found it difficult to keep up that standard since they stopped hiring talented people. By transitioning the content to inane yammering, they believe they can replicate the success that similarly talentless hosts like Beck have captured on eUSpn.

When asked for comment, out of work NFL star Terrell Owens said, “Thank you Jesus! Where do I sign up?”

Bobby Bowden Back on Top

By Paul LeGrange
TALAHASSEE- As the 2007 college football season closed, it seemed that Bobby Bowden’s reputation as an upstanding coach and citizen was irreparably tarnished. He closed year by leading his Florida State Seminoles to a disappointing loss to a forgettable Kentucky Wildcat team in the regrettable Music City Bowl. The two-time national champion had gone from a paragon of college football glory to a scapegoat for everything that was wrong with amateur athletics- 34 players from that year’s Florida State team were suspended for academic violations and twelve wins over the course of two years were vacated by the school. While Bowden would hang around for another two years and pilot the Seminoles to a pedestrian 9-7 record in the Atlantic Coast Conference, most fans will remember that moment of ignominy as the humiliating final chapter in a college football tragedy.

By 2007, Bowden had lost control of his football team. On the sideline, offensive and defensive coordinators called his plays. On the recruiting trail, assistants promised parents that they would help their boys grow into respectable young men. On campus, players did what they wanted without fear of consequences or any sense of institutional control. What made things worse was that Bowden’s direct contemporary, Joe Paterno, ran a program that put Bowden’s to shame in every facet. Paterno was more successful on the field (5 undefeated seasons to Bowden’s 1), in historical terms (only Paterno has more career wins than Bowden), and by reputation (Paterno’s program avoided the stench of lawlessness that afflicted Bowden’s).

[LEFT- The caricatures of Bowden and Paterno might accentuate different flaws than they did 10 years ago.]

On that fateful day at the end of 2007, it was difficult to imagine any sequence of events that could make people remember Bobby Bowden as a better football coach and a better man than Joe Paterno.

But, as they say, that’s why they play the games. The recent revelation that Joe Paterno withheld information that his top assistant was sexually assaulting boys in the team’s locker room has redirected any animosity that stuck with Bowden. The role reversal is one of the greatest upsets in the history of modern sports, easily as implausible as Team USA beating the Soviets at Lake Placid or Muhammad Ali outliving Joe Frazier. Indeed, it is almost as if someone brainstormed ways to make Paterno look like a bigger creep than Bowden, came up with “child molestation” and “genocide,” then decided that genocide would be too complicated.

Since Paterno technically did not break any NCAA rules, he remains ahead of Bowden on the list of career coaching victories. But anyone who cracks open the record book will immediately look farther down the page, doing the same calculation that everyone subconsciously does when they are reminded that Barry Bonds hit more home runs than Hank Aaron. In fact, Paterno and Bowden are less like Barry Bonds and more like Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. In both cases, success blinded (maybe willfully blinded) fans to the reality that the game was rigged in favor of those who engaged in an extra-legal, competitive arms race. Also, while Bowden and McGwire faced the most criticism initially, a longer view revealed their foils to be even more heinous manipulators.

It has been said that Paterno covered up his friend and assistant’s sexual assault in order to protect the Penn State “brand.” In that regard, his decision may have optimized social utility, but that reality illustrates the horrible perversion that “amateur athletics” has become. Paterno functionally controlled Penn State football, which functionally controlled Penn State University, which functionally controlled all of State College, PA and the surrounding area. As Penn State football goes, so goes the entire region. Paterno became single-handedly responsible for the vitality of tens of thousands of people in a way not seen since Al Capone’s Outfit controlled Chicago. Years ago, Paterno’s influence and power earned him the nickname “The Pope of Western PA.” The moniker faded away as the Catholic Church’s reputation waned, but it has proven to be far more appropriate than anyone would have ever hoped. When Paterno was first notified of Jerry Sandusky’s child molestation, the team was in transition and trying to bring itself and the region back to prominence. We can infer that Paterno made the determination that going public with Sandusky’s crimes would cripple the program, possibly cost him his job, and stand in the way of returning Penn State to greatness. In a contorted, perverse way, the region might have gained more units of happiness from the Nittany Lions’ 2006 Orange Bowl than the abused boys lost, but our society does not practice human sacrifice because it uses the same horrible logic. When one person, fueled by his own ego and self-preservation instincts, makes these decisions, we end up with undemocratic atrocities like this one. Paterno was no philosopher-king, either. He was just a man who won games in a sport that people like so much that it generates $63 million every year in a no

n-urban community.

[RIGHT- You're next, Nick Saban.]

When people die, it is customary to forget their transgressions and highlight the best of what they did. George Steinbrenner’s death brought about the euphemism “fiery competitor” to stand in for more accurate descriptions, like “amoral crook,” “pathological egomaniac,” or “heartless bastard.” To twist a common saying, time plus death heels all reputational wounds. At 83, Paterno may not have much time to repair his reputation. He can’t grovel with some starry-eyed athletic director to take over a fledging, low-level football team because he hasn’t really been a football coach for at least ten years. It’s hard to imagine the San Jose States and Western Kentuckys of the world hiring a feeble octogenarian to sit in the press box and let his assistants run the football team. So too is it hard to imagine that if Paterno dies in the next five years anyone will remember much about him other than the fact that he knew his fried was raping little boys and he did not stop him. Still, perception and reputation are not static. As hard as it is to imagine any positive memories of Joe Paterno, stranger things have happened. Just ask college coaching icon Bobby Bowden.

Herman Cain and the Sexual Harassment Boom

By Howard Templeton

IOWA CITY- Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain faced allegations of several incidents of sexual harassment over the last week, spiking support for the candidate in the weeks leading up to the Iowa straw poll. The allegations stem from the time Mr. Cain spent as the head of the National Restaurant Alliance and relate to inappropriate comments, unwanted sexual advances on female coworkers, and other behaviors that make him look even more presidential in the eyes of his supporters.

Pollsters noted that Cain latched onto a central tent of his ideology- persistent denigration of women- to galvanize his political base at a time when much of the Republican Party felt like there was no stand-out candidate in the field. “Mr. Cain seized a golden opportunity by allowing these allegations to surface at a time when so many of his opponents seem to be stuck in the mud,” said Felix Prosser of Gallup. “While some people across the country see sexual harassment as immoral, illegal, and indicative of bad character, the GOP has consistently responded positively to a man who can take charge and refuses to take no for an answer.”

Mr. Prosser went on to note that whatever damage the allegations have done to Mr. Cain among the group of voters characterized as “women who do not like having their asses slapped” is more than made up for by huge gains among “bitches just trying to get attention,” and “broads who were asking for it.” Additionally, when asked who they would support in a head-to-head matchup between Mr. Cain getting blown under a desk and Mr. Cain not getting blown under a desk, 87.5% of registered Republican voters opted for the former.

[LEFT- A young Herman Cain, or shall I say, Leon Phelps. NOT PICTURED: His bottle of Courvoisier.]

For his part, Mr. Cain claims to have learned his lesson from recent events on the campaign trail. “My grandmamma told me when I was a youngin to stick to what I know,” Mr. Cain told reporters gathered outside his campaign bus yesterday. “Now maybe I was out of line to bet talking about this 9-9-9 tax mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to leave the taxes to the accountants with all their calculators and pocket protectors. But there are three things I know, and they’re pizza, being president, and slappin’ asses. I’ve already done two of those things, now who’s gonna help me do the third?”

Critics across the aisle have pointed out that there is a touch of hypocrisy in the Republican enthusiasm for sexual harassment barely a decade after President Clinton was impeached for lying about his own White House affair. Republican strategists, however, point out that they were in favor of President Clinton’s dalliances all along, but were frustrated that they were not the party that would forever be remembered for getting Oval Office head. They also believed that Clinton showed very non-presidential pussy-whippedness by trying to cover up his affair, something that Republicans never do.

For all of Mr. Cain’s supporters, there are also many Republicans who feel that the sexual harassment allegations would have benefitted other candidates more. For instance, allegations of sexual harassment against Mitt Romney would have allayed public fears that he is too Mormon, and would have shown that he is not nearly as much of a sissy as he often appears on the campaign trail. Michelle Bachman, at a campaign stop this week in Des Moines, answered the allegations against Mr. Cain by calling him a bandwagon harasser. “Mr. Cain thinks he can win over voters by trotting out women who he hit on years ago, but he is late to the game. I have been making unwanted sexual advances to my husband, Marcus Bachman, since before we were even married!”

Dark horse candidate Ron Paul also chipped in that he, “killed several women on welfare in the ‘80s, because I just don’t think it’s the government’s role to be paying for these expensive entitlements.”

“Kim Kardashian" Files for “Divorce” from Kris Humphries

By Jesse Sturtevant

HOLLYWOOD- A wide-eyed America stood in shocked silence this week when it learned that the marriage between basketball star Kris Humphries and television character Kim Kardashian was coming to an end after only 72 days. Just days after Earth’s seven billionth human inhabitant was born, the other 699,999,998 people simultaneously found themselves asking, “Why, Kim, why?”

The courtship between Kardashian and Humprhies began almost exactly a year ago when Kardashian attended a New Jersey Nets basketball game and saw Humphries playing. Careful observers will note, however, that their professional relationship dates back several months before that date when both parties’ publicists, agents, and financial planners held a week-long brainstorming session with the producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in Lake Tahoe to plan the story arc for the following season of the show. The brain trust selected Humphries for the role of Kim’s love interest because of his upward social mobility, semi-stardom on a non-marquee team in a major market, and shear gullibility. Producers settled on an NBA player after the success of the E!-NBA joint venture that resulted in Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding. Humphries won out over fellow finalists Jameer Nelson of Orlando (too short), Dallas’s Tyson Chandler (too smart), and Washington’s Javale McGee (too young).
Veteran television and pop culture critics have pointed out that it was important for the writers of the show to grab headlines for the Kardashian character or risk a loss of cultural relevance. Whereas other pop culture icons can transition in and out of the limelight with the ebb and flow of a normal career- a musician going on tour or an athlete starting a new season- a character in a reality television show must incessantly perpetuate its own branding.

[RIGHT- A clearly Photoshopped image of the Kardashian "family" including a crudely pasted courtroom photo of the "father," whose head is conspicuously larger than his body or the other heads.]

“The Kardashian brand has tentacles in more pop culture outlets than any other reality character over the last 10 years,” Deandra Boorad of Radar Online points out. “They worked backwards by starting bawdry with a sex tape and Playboy spread and have worked upwards into fashion, television, and even sports. The writers’ ability to find new and shocking ways to insert those characters into everyday life has been inventive and highly effective.” Boorad went on to contrast the Kardashians with Paris Hilton, who serves as a cautionary tale for reality writers who think their characters can take some time away from the public eye then return as popular as ever.

The Kardashian-Humphries wedding was one of the more successful stunts in reality television history in terms of the programming it created, the attention it generated, and the revenue it grossed for the principals. The television special featuring the lead-up to the “wedding” drew over four million viewers on consecutive nights, making it the third most watched program ever on the E! Network. Furthermore, the “wedding” was underwritten by various corporate sponsors to the tune of $10 million, far exceeding the actual costs. “In an era where fractured television audiences gravitate to highly-specialized content, there is a downward pressure on production costs,” said marketing analyst Don Feran. “What the producers of this show have done is turn the entire program into an elaborate celebrity endorsement type of advertisement, but where they invent celebrities instead of paying them. The fact that they can fill time slots with this strategy is an incredible manifestation of capitalism-as-art, and the fact that people actually watch it is an even more astounding accomplishment.”

The next move for the Kardashian producers will likely be to translate the internet buzz surrounding the divorce into television programming. First, they will almost certainly bring the Humphries character back for a few episodes to try to “work things out,” which will include seeing a marriage counselor, whose company’s name will be prominently and frequently displayed on screen. From there, viewers may see an attempt at reconciliation through a vacation to a famous resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Las Vegas. It is also possible that prominent LA divorce lawyers will try to horn in on the self-promotion by paying the family to take the case while appearing on the show.

While the show producers have certainly put themselves in a position to make a great deal of money, it has not come without some hiccups along the way. For example, some observers were questioning the Kardashian-Humphries relationship from the beginning since the story that she met him at a New Jersey Nets game implies that she visited Newark and attended a Nets game, which is not a particularly believable story. Additionally, the couple reportedly honeymooned in Eastasia, the fictional “other country” from George Orwell’s 1984, which is particularly thick doublespeak, even for a show that specializes in insulting its viewers’ intelligence. Nonetheless, the show will proceed unscathed.

For those unfamiliar with the Kardashian backstory, “Kim Kardashian” is a fictional character created in the mid-‘00s by Ryan Seacrest and a team of writers. She is posited as the child of the late Los Angeles area attorney Robert Kardashian, who was part of O.J. Simpson’s defense team. Seacrest has been quoted as saying that when he heard the name “Robert Kardashian,” he first envisioned him as a patriarch of a family modeled as a latter-day Brady Bunch with more sex appeal, and immediately started casting for the reality show. Unlike traditional television, the show presents itself in a “day in the life” fashion, so the actors and actresses must stay in character at all times. As a result, the events of the show are not confined to what happens on television. Seacrest’s team is credited with the masterstroke of introducing the “Kardashian” characters to the world before the debut of the show, first through Kim’s sex tape with R&B singer Ray J (also an actor playing the “Ray J” character on several TV shows). The producers cast former Olympian Bruce Jenner to improve the show’s name recognition and to help teach the other actors how to seamlessly pitch products, but have marginalized him as he has not fit into the larger plot of the show. The programming has been a huge success, generating several spinoffs, convincing people that it is real, and becoming one of cable television’s most watched shows.