USA Network’s New Fall Dramedy

By Ed Aschbrunner

HOLLYWOOD- Let me begin by saying that I am not a television executive. Nor am I a producer, a show runner, a writer, or even a below-the-line PA. I don’t know the first thing about getting television shows on the air, but I have watched enough mindless commercials on the USA Network to pick up a thing or two. I’m not sure whether they made a concerted effort to produce a bunch of shows that have basically identical premises, or if it happened by mistake. When I look at the five or six most recent shows they have aired on their network, I definitely have a pretty good idea of what their executives like to hear in a pitch meeting.

I will boil down every USA Network dramedy down to its base elements for you in Mad Lib form: “Displaced former [insert exciting/prestigious profession here] is forced to leave his/her job and he/she has to learn the ropes of being a [insert tangentially related, less exciting/prestigious profession here], all while dealing with his/her crazy friends and family in an exotic locale. Hilarity ensues.”

If there was one show that followed this archetype, it wouldn’t mean anything. If there were two, it would be a coincidence. If there were three, we could roll our eyes at USA because they had clearly decided to piggyback on one successful show with a couple of others. But they have at least five of these shows that have the exact same premise. I’m not even sure that one of the shows was successful, so the only explanation I can imagine is that NBC rejected most of these ideas but wanted to promote the actors use them in a more interesting project on the parent network somewhere down the road. The ideas are just so bereft of creativity that I can’t accept that a TV executive would green-light them in good faith. I can’t accept it.

Think about it: Burn Notice- a former spy has to leave the agency to work as a private investigator in Miami while his old agency hunts him down. Royal Pains- a doctor moves to the Hamptons to start working as a physician to the rich and famous at their mansions. Fairly Legal- a former big city attorney becomes a sassy mediator in fast-paced Manhattan. White Collar, In Plain Sight, Covert Affairs. It’s all the same shit packaged with a different profession in a different city with different wacky friends and relatives.

So here’s my idea. You start with a sexy profession that will get people interested. It can’t be something remotely blue collar because the show has to be a sort of prism into the lives of the more interesting. I’m going to go with fighter pilot. There hasn’t been a good fighter pilot show or movie since Top Gun, so the job should slide nicely back into the national consciousness. But the guy has to have suffered some misfortune that prevents him continuing to be a fighter pilot, and it can’t be his fault. I want my star to be a roguish playboy named Bradley Austin (ooh, be careful, two first names!), so I’m going to say that he got into a bar fight over a girl and injured his eye, so he no longer has perfect vision and can’t be a fighter pilot any longer. I don’t know if Ryan Phillipe’s career has fallen far enough to take this role, but I have my fingers crossed.

[Look, Mr. Phillippe, I know this isn't how you saw your career going. But a paycheck's a paycheck.]

He also needs a new job that is somehow vaguely related to this old job, is clearly a step down in prestige, but is still interesting enough for people to tune in. He’s a pilot for a private helicopter company that rents out its service to the oh-so-very rich. That serves the dual function of putting him in high-pressure situations and setting up for some great B-Reel footage of gorgeous city skylines and landscapes. It’s also more plausible to bring in hot romantic counterparts if they are the wives and girlfriends of rich guys who rent out the helicopters.

The location, if you haven’t already figured it out for yourself, is Los Angeles. It’s almost too easy. You can do cameos by C-List actors who you can put in your commercials- “This week, Bradley has to fly Corey Feldman to Michael Lohan’s celebrity high-stakes poker game, or he risks losing his $50,000 buy-in! Will he make it through an earthquake?” Plus, in L.A., you can do the old Entourage trick and just pan through the streets of L.A. showing hot women, cool cars, and beautiful weather for 1/3 of your show’s airtime if you run out of ideas.

Lastly, we need to add some relation who complicates the story. I have two ideas. First, Bradley’s best friend is Gerry White, a black guy who he met in the Air Force who is still in the service, but who inexplicably is always available at a moment’s notice. He’s the only guy in the show who might be more suave than Bradley, and they frequently try to one-up each other trying to pick up women, playing bar games, and racing fast cars through busy freeway traffic while identifiable and adrenaline-boosting songs by Disturbed play in the background. Oh, and both Bradley and Gerry somehow have multiple high-end cars, motorcycles, and other accoutrements that are WAY out of their earnings brackets. If this guy sounds like he’s ripped off from Terrance Howard’s character in Ironman, it’s because he is. I wonder if Donald Faison is available?

And here’s the kicker. Bradley’s dad is a successful politician who objects to Bradley’s carousing ways. Played by J.K. Simmons, Terry Austin is a California Senator who can’t put up with Bradley jeopardizing his career. Being a Senator introduces a natural tension and opens up the possibility for countless other plot devices down the road. I suppose there has to be at least one recurring female character. Aisha Tyler can be his hot coworker at the helicopter rental company with an attitude.

So here’s the short version, “Bradley Austin was a hotshot pilot in the Air Force [shot of him flying a plane and yelling “Woooohoooo!] until an eye injury got him a medical discharge. Now, he’s partying his way through Los Angeles [shot of him taking shots at a bar and general revelry]. But it’s not all fun and games. He’s learning the ropes of being a helicopter pilot to the stars [clip of Mark Cuban yelling at him to hurry up] all while trying to keep his politician father off his back [shot of J.K. Simmons shaking his head in disappointment]. This fall, it’s Ryan Phillippe in The Son Also Rises on USA. Characters Welcome.”