Proto-Hipster Music Critic Too Cool To Agree With Other Hipster Music Critics

Having to justify that you are a music fan, even though you don’t love Electric Light Orchestra, is bad. Gritting your teeth through a Titus Andronicus album because it made everybody’s top 10 list is worse. Hipster Music Critics will stop at nothing to make listening to music a joyless and soul-crushing experience as long as it reaffirms their holistic separation from whatever tropes dominate the mainstream at that time.

But you have not experienced the true agony of the Hipster Music Critic until you have seen one double back on itself like an all-consuming black hole. This never-ending vortex of music suck is called Ann Powers and it writes for Slate.com.

In Slate’s 2010 year in review roundtable on music, Powers’ colleagues provided the usual hipster fodder: Taylor Swift is a spoiled brat; Kanye West is a tortured genius; Arcade Fire and MIA deserve waaaaay more attention. Powers, though, was not content to beat that hipster drum. Powers longed so hopelessly for attention that she had to push even further away from the mainstream.

Some hipsters posit themselves as better than you by telling you that your taste is derivative and you can’t really enjoy Nirvana until you have listened to Leadbelly’s entire discography nine times. Others say that you favorite band is untalented and that you should check out Clap Your Hands Say Yeah for a more organic musical experience.

Powers is so consumed by her own self-righteousness that she is too cool for all the stuff that’s cool to the people who are too cool for everything else. To separate herself from even those other “cool kids,” Powers spent her “Best of 2010” space explaining that Katy Perry is actually a musical genius.

I have explained before that Katy Perry’s music is oppressively and insultingly bad. She is an adequate singer who is not good looking enough to be famous for her looks, but she markets herself relentlessly. It’s not her skill that makes her uniquely bad, though, it’s her atrociously manipulative song writing. She pulls out every cheap trick in the book. She switches from rhyming couplets to slant rhymes to non-rhymes in the same verse. She passionately belts out lyrics that make as much sense as Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky, but without the irony or the drugs. She throws around popular locations and activities as a proxy for evoking actual emotion or intrigue. I don’t blame Katy Perry- she’s raking in money by being a publicity whore and many others have done far worse. I blame Powers because she has the credentials that suggest that she should know better. You can’t convict a child of murder because the law says that a child can’t have the necessary mindset to appreciate what murder is. Katy Perry is the child who either doesn’t understand how bad her music is or doesn’t care to find out. Ann Powers is the adult, but instead of murder, she’s committing journalistic atrocities on par with Pol Pot’s killing fields.

Powers thinks she can get away with it because the science behind being a Hipster Music Critic is so flimsy. Music is a highly individualized art and intelligent people can disagree on what makes a song good or bad. Powers metastasizes this lark to expose it for its true folly. Food is another highly personalized issue, but everyone knows that a McDonald’s hamburger sucks. If a food critic wrote a column explaining that everyone had been missing out on how McDonald’s hamburgers were secret culinary masterpieces, he would be exposed as a fraud or a liar trying to get attention. Katy Perry’s music caters to the lowest common denominator at least as egregiously McDonald’s, so Powers deserves the same treatment. So I will take that responsibility: Ann Powers is a fraud or she lies to get attention.

Powers writes, “What finally allowed me to come to terms with Perry—and it was the song ‘Teenage Dream’ that really did it—was realizing that the very point of Perry is the way her old-fashioned emotions rub up so provocatively against her right-now poses.” Of course, you have “realized” what the point is. It’s all so obvious to you, Ann Powers, while the rest of us dither away at our desks, you have the rational ability to strip the pretense away and see Katy Perry for what she really is. That is the blessing and the curse of having the supernatural abilities of being a Hipster Music Critic. She goes on:

"’You think I'm pretty without any makeup on,’ Perry whispers incredulously in the first line of 'Teenage Dream,' her voice leaning slightly stunned against a latticework-privacy-fence of kick drum. The plucked way Perry sings the lyric—as if what she's saying is just impossible—says so much about how far we all feel we've strayed from our genuine selves. That line is the most important one to make the Top 10 this year, I think: its tragic nostalgia, playing out the new version of the hard-soft dynamic that made 1990s alt-rock so shocking.”

Congratulations, Ann Powers, you just spent more time typing out that run-on sentence than Katy Perry did recording that song in the studio. If you think you have strayed so far from you genuine self, you can be reminded of it by just about any musician who has ever performed. Katy Perry is not some musical sage who bestows her wisdom through carefully crafted verses, intoned for maximum soul-searching effect. She’s a stripper with a five-head. And that line is not “the most important one.” It’s an age-old pillow talk cliché. What is tragic about the nostalgia? That doesn’t even make sense. Why am I wasting time trying to figure out the nonsense language that this bold deceiver used to throw everyone off her scent?

It’s not possible for a Hipster Music Critic to write an honestly flattering review of Katy Perry, so Ann Powers had to dip into Perry’s bag of tricks and play the “unintelligible gibberish” card. Please go back to telling us how great the Flaming Lips are live and drinking your PBR. Defending Katy Perry is not going to work, and you aren’t going to get hipster bonus points for trying.

Save Time and Money and Escape with a Bacation!

By Jeff Germane, Travel Agent at Quantum Travel Services

In times like these, we all have to tighten our belts and make the dollar stretch as far as possible. Whether it’s bringing lunch to work or turning down that thermostat, we are all saving money in our own way. In all likelihood, that savings account that you would like to use on a vacation to Tahiti or Hawaii is not as robust as you would like it to be. You might be starting to worry that you are going to have to ride out the winter doldrums without the valuable R&R to keep that Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay.

Well, my homebound friends, today is your lucky day. My colleagues at Quantum Travel Services have come up with a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who want a cheaper and easier way to recharge those batteries. It’s called a bacation, and let me tell you, it is delicious. The bacation is a lot like a typical vacation, but instead of packing your bags, flying to an exotic locale, sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais, and sitting in the sun, you eat bacon. It’s that simple!

Now, you are probably asking yourself, where did you come up with this brilliant idea? It’s really pretty simple. I was thinking of what people love so much about vacation, and it really boils down to having fun. You know what else is fun? Eating bacon. The name was the tricky part. What I ended up doing was taking part of the word bacon, and part of the word vacation, and putting them together into one word. Bacation. I’m sure you’d like to know which word the “c” came from, but that’s not the kind of information I’m going to give away for free!

Some people like to take vacations because they get to see and learn about foreign cultures. The bacation offers plenty of cultural exposure, too. You can drop in on our neighbors to the north and sample some Canadian Bacon. Sounds pretty good, eh? But seriously, it’s a short trip from bacon to get to the beautiful and romantic German Bratwurst, a favorite for young honeymooners. If you’re really up for an adventure, try salami or prosciutto! Although they’re a little pricier and technically not bacon, cured meats can be a delicious addition to a sandwich and they make a great appetizer. As they say in Italy, Vorrei cambiare dei soldi!

[LEFT- I shall call it... the BAKINI!]

The bacation is a great way for families to come together to bond. Young or old, anyone can appreciate some deliciously fried pig flesh. You can spice up you family slide show with pictures of BLTs, breakfast sandwiches, and omelets. There are only so many pictures of zoos and sunsets that your relatives will watch before they drift to sleep. Throw some pictures of bacon in there, and add some savory zest to the show.

These days, travel can be a real hassle. Would you rather spend an entire day slogging through crowded and dirty airports and sitting in a cramped plane, or eat bacon? Would you rather sleep in an uncomfortable bed in a hotel that is probably covered in several caked-on layers of years-old semen, or eat bacon? Would you rather go through the hassle of customs tell you that it’s “illegal” to bring drugs and live animals across international lines and get shoved in a Third World holding cell while you wait for your lawyer to bribe the banana republic government, or eat bacon? Would you rather pay hard earned cash for an underage hooker only to find out later that it’s a Ladyboy, or eat bacon? I rest my case.

Just because you don’t get a tan doesn’t mean your vacation can’t sizzle! Call to book your bacation today, and you will receive a complimentary fork to enjoy your bacation even

The Microwave Conundrum: Our Generation’s Greatest Test of Moral Rectitude

The microwave oven has become an indispensable part of everyday life. One would be shocked to walk into a kitchen without one. Their ubiquity is so prevalent that many Americans use them every day of the week for food preparation. I believe, though, that even such a repetitive and thoughtless activity reveals a great deal about human intelligence and morality.

The first question is how someone sets the timer on the microwave, and it speaks volumes about whether the microwave user is a mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal or the sort of reasonably competent member of society who knows how to turn right at a red light, flushes the toilet in public bathrooms, and has never voted for someone who is both stupid and arrogant enough to make up new words by accident then claim an intentional neologism.

Imagine you have to microwave something for a minute and a half. It’s a pretty common amount of time for something coming out of the refrigerator and it illustrates a point. Most people would probably hit the “1” key, the “3” key, the “0” key, then start the microwave. Most people are idiots. You might not personally know anyone who will go to see the new Nic Cage movie “Season of the Witch,” at least not seriously, but Hollywood producers decided enough people would see it to give him this movie on the heels of “Bangkok Dangerous,” “The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans,” and “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” That means that there is a huge number of insanely stupid people who are going to see abysmal Nic Cage movies, one after another. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans?!?! That must be the worst name for a movie of all time. It has two different punctuation marks and I still have no idea what the movie is about. Granted, “2 Fast 2 Furious” is a bad name, but at least I can figure out that it’s a sequel to “The Fast and the Furious.” The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans sounds like an over-budget gay Skinemax flop. And by the way, how does “Raising Arizona” not make it into the Nic Cage’s IMDB Top 4? His career includes so many movies that were so bad that they became cult hits that they have completely overwhelmed his really good breakout performance. That would be like Jefferson Airplane renaming itself and making such terrible music over decades that people forgot about White Rabbit, Somebody to Love, and the band's role in the Summer of Love because its subsequent music was such an abortion. Wait a minute, that also happened. At least nobody goes to see Jefferson Starship play to crowds of 200 at Indian Casinos. Cage has so many awful movies that people remember them for being awful at the expense of his good movies. AND PEOPLE STILL GO TO SEE HIS MOVIES!

[RIGHT- Okay, the mustache was a bad decision, but his career decisions make the mustache decision look brilliant.]

What does this have to do with microwaves, you ask? My point is that just because a lot of people press "1, 3, 0, start," that doesn’t make it the best way to start a microwave. If you’re going to press "1, 3, 0, start," you might as well be sentencing yourself to watching National Treasure 2 on loop for the rest of eternity. You realize that microwaves operate in seconds, right? Instead of "1, 3, 0, start," you can just press "9, 0, start" and get the exact same result. You’re saving seconds! You know what’s even better than that? Pressing "9, 9, start" and avoiding the clumsy process of moving your finger from the 9 to the 0. Who has time for that crap? The point of the microwave is to save time. If you’re going to go to the hassle of pressing extra keys and moving your hand around unnecessarily, you might as well preheat the oven and reheat your burrito the old fashioned way. In fact, if you have so much free time that you can waste it pressing extra microwave keys, you might as well get two sticks, rub them together, and cook your Lean Cuisine over an open flame.

The issues with microwave use do not end at startup. The questions at the end of the microwave cycle are equally dire. Everyone who has ever used a microwave has waited through those final, inconvenient seconds. If you have used a public microwave with people waiting to take their turns who are secretly annoyed that your dish is not already warm, then the waiting is even worse. The thing I don’t understand is why people wait for the final buzzer to sound. You are not waiting for the New Year’s ball to drop on Times Square or the door to open at Wal-Mart on black Friday- the door will open and the food will come out without warping you into a black hole even if you open the door three seconds early. Waiting for the buzzer is inane. Humans do not have to be so Pavlovian as to wait for the sound to eat, especially when the sound is grating and abrasive. Maybe if the microwave manufacturers had the machine play a few bars of Zeppelin at the end, there would be some reason to wait for it. If I ever made a microwave, God knows it would play the riff from Kashmir, and I'd be like "Hell yeah! Burrito time!"

What is the thought process that leads to not opening the microwave for those last few seconds while you wait with your hand on the door handle? Is it that the wrapper on your burrito said that it takes three minutes to heat up? I have news for you- the last three seconds are not going to make the difference between a perfectly warm burrito and an uncooked one. If it isn’t done, it’s going to take more than three seconds to finish it, so you might as well just open the door and check before you reset the timer for another thirty seconds (or 33 seconds, if you’ve been paying attention). In all likelihood, the burrito is going to be stale and burned on the outside but frozen on the inside no matter how closely you follow the instructions, so you might as well not burn any calories worrying or waste extra time on it.

Now you’re thinking to yourself, “yeah, microwaved food sucks!” And it does, but the point is to make it edible faster, and it accomplishes that goal. If you want good food, it’s going to take time. Whining about your microwave dinner is like telling Ernest Hemingway to write a book in 3 weeks then complaining that it isn’t a literary masterpiece. It’s like telling Pam Anderson that she has 5 minutes to do her hair and makeup before doing a TV appearance. Rushing things makes them worse. Microwaves are a way to rush things. So get it over with and stop complaining.

Gabrielle Giffords Set to Make Return in Zombie Flash Mob

By Martin West

TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.

“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”

Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will probably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’

[RIGHT- Zombie Giffords joins a proud tradition of Zombie politicians from the Grand Canyon State.]

The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.

The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.

As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”

When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.

Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.