DPRK Footballers Achieve Great Victory over Brazilian Brown Devils: 1-2

By Sun Il-Moon, North Korean Director of Sports Propaganda

PYONGYANG- The proud DPRK soccer team brought great exaltation and glory to the Dear Leader this week with an astounding upset of heavily favored and evil behemoth Brazil in the World Cup. The tanned, round-eyed Satans used bribery to influence the unscrupulous referees

and their trickery resulted in two goals. Luckily, their two goals were not enough to overcome the brilliant effort by the DPRK team, led to a dazzling one to two victory by a goal in the 89^th minute.

National hero Ji Yun-Nam scored the single goal that was enough to overcome Brazil’s pair after he was granted the power to overcome the larger Brazilians- who, DPRK sources have learned, are all using illegal steroids- by Kim Jong-Il, who watched the game in his $200 million home theater. The Dear Leader is a great fan of soccer, and has played the game himself. He once led the DPRK to the World Cup championship in 1966 by scoring 37 goals in 7 games while playing goalie. He was also awarded the Man of the Match trophy in the tournament’s opening game, and subsequently won the Kim Jong-Il of the Match award in every other game. History books do not reflect the Dear Leader’s great triumph because they do not want to acknowledge such superiority from a man who did not

waste his entire life training for such a silly little sport. As a result, the Dear Leader has held the DPRK out of the tournament, until this year, when they traveled to South Africa to reclaim their prize.

[RIGHT- The DPRK football squad celebrates its most recent fake victory. Excuse me, transcendent victory.]

The match was characterized by the greedy, capitalist Brazilians dominating possession of the ball while the DPRK took only as much as they needed. The Brazilians also exhibited their inherent wasteful tendencies by taking an obscene 26 shots (10 on goal), while the DPRK chose to take a much more judicious 10 (2 on goal). All readers may note that the brilliant home eleven scored on a much higher percentage of their total shots and shots on goal, but you already knew that because you are Asian, and Asians are really good at math. To further demonstrate their chicanery, the filthy, stench-ridden Brazilians also garnered the match’s only yellow card since the North Korean team only attempts challenges that result in clean turnovers.

The DPRK team has faced more obstacles than imperialistic “officials” and deceitful opponents. Conditions in the deepest, darkest corner of the African continent have been vile and despicable, according to members of the team. Temperatures at game time reached only 34 degrees, a climate poorly fit for the hot blooded stars of the pitch from the Dearest Homeland. Star goalkeeper Ri Myong Guk lamented, “I cannot wait for when we win World Cup, so we can return to the flawless paradise that the Dear Leader has created in the DPRK.” To buffer their strength, the footballers have received increased rations of rice, so if you have been noticing a famine going around it is definitely because the soccer team got extra food. It has nothing to do with those giant platinum statues of Kim Jong-Il with the thick-rimmed glasses made out of emeralds and rubies that just went up in every town square in the country. No, it is just extra rations for the soccer team, so stop being so greedy and sacrifice for the greater glory of the communist state!

Next up in the DPRK’s inevitable march toward proving the dominance of the Korean people over all other races and ethnicities is an easy romp over Portugal. That devastating defeat will be especially triumphant for the DPRK because Portugal features Christiano Ronaldo, a forward often placed near the Dear Leader on lists of the sexiest men in the world. Ronaldo will not look so sexy as he sobs uncontrollably on the sidelines after learning his proper place in the world is in subservience to the DPRK’s Communist Party, not modeling underwear for Calvin Kline and trying to convince women of the world that his slender, sinewy figure is more attractive than the Dear Leader’s egg-shaped body covered in ill-fitting jumpsuits. After that match, the DPRK will roll through the Ivory Coast, one of the few countries in the tournament that does not try to gain an unfair advantage by drawing its squad from a far larger area than the DPRK. Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba will regret coming back early from a broken arm after this loss, and will learn that his exorbitant salary from club team Chelsea and his opulent lifestyle are no consolation for living a life of excess that does not serve the greater Glory of the Dear Leader.

If any of the 24 citizens of North Korea who are allowed to leave the country happen to see telecast of games throughout the rest of the World Cup tournament, pay no attention to the alleged “results.” The rest of the world has conspired to diminish the wonderful achievements of the DPRK by staging a simulated tournament for the rest of the teams and passing it off as the actual World Cup. Pay no attention to these bogus results, as they are merely the delusional myths of a world hell-bent on disgracing its True Savior. Consider the possibilities- either the entire world has staged an elaborate shadow tournament, convinced its players to risk their health for an illegitimate championship, and enlisted hundreds of thousands of fans to follow along with the charade, or we just lied in our national newspaper to make our shitty team look competent. Obviously, the giant, fake World Cup story is more plausible.

Also, Kim Jong-Il invented Vuvuzellas. Oh, those are annoying? Scratch that. Kim Jong-Il killed every Vuvuzella blower in South Africa with his bare hands 25 years ago, and they have only recently come back to soccer stadiums.