Authorities Begin Manhunt After Earthquake Rocks Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE- Local authorities and international aid workers are responding to one of the most profound natural disasters in Haiti’s history. The island nation felt the Earthquake’s impact on Tuesday, which measured at a whopping 7.0 on the Richter scale. In response, the nation’s law enforcement officials have put out an all points bulletin for John “Earthquake” Tenta, the man they believe is responsible for this national tragedy.

The Earthquake’s effects have been catastrophic- over 100,000 Haitians are estimated to be dead, and many landmark buildings- such as the Port-Au-Prince Cathedral and the National Assembly Building- lay in ruins. President Obama has pledged the full support of the United States in the recovery effort. “It is of the utmost importance that the international community remains steadfast in response to this tragedy. It is also important that Haiti is careful to avoid any aftershocks, as Tenta is known to deliver his Earthquake Splash finisher even after the referee has made the three count. If any Haitians see Tenta jumping in circles around the ring or flinging himself wildly off the ropes, it is crucial that they seek shelter immediately.”

[RIGHT- The Earthquake strikes again.]

Many were surprised that the Earthquake struck Haiti, which is known to have problems with tropical storms and hurricanes far more than earthquakes. Seismologists, on the other hand, have pointed out that Haiti lies close to a fault line, making it a prime target for international criminals like Tenta. Experts were also surprised to see Tenta resurface after such a long period of dormancy. He had not delivered an Earthquake Splash since March of 1994, when he rocked New York’s Madison Square Garden. Tenta also briefly dabbled in Avalanches, but that gimmick was dropped quickly in a contract dispute between WCW and the WWF.

After Tenta inflicted a tragedy of such great magnitude, his former manager and friend, “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart held a press conference, pleading with Tenta to come clean. “I know that you’re the most indestructible and unstoppable force in the world, baby, but you can’t go around destroying entire nations. Baby, it was one thing to drape a Canadian flag on the All-American Hulk Hogan after the Earthquake struck him, but now you’re killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people, baby! Everybody out there needs to be careful, baby, cuz that big Earthquake is out there, baby, and he’s lookin for the chance to deliver the Earthquake on the Richter scale of 10.”

[LEFT- Hart tries to prevent a natural disaster.]

Authorities have put out a warning to be on the lookout for Tenta, who may be using an alias, possibly either The Shark or Golga. It is also possible that he has return to Japan to shake the earth where he once trained as a sumo wrestler known as Kototenzan, or “the heavenly mountain harp.” Regardless, Tenta should be easy to spot, as he is 6’7” tall, weighs approximately 475 pounds, keeps a gnarled beard, and has a giant tattoo of a Tiger on his left biceps that looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. Furthermore, he has a tendency to jump up and down in place while speaking. There have also been alleged sightings of a man wearing a leather mask that looks like a carved up volleyball and carrying an Eric Cartman doll, which could be Tenta, disguised as Golga the oddity.

[RIGHT- Earthquake disguised as Golga.]

The Earthquake was at his peak in the early 1990s. His period of peak destruction included a 1990 Earthquake in Iran that killed 50,000 and injured 100,000 more, a 1990 Earthquake on Hulk Hogan during the Brother Love Show that cracked the immortal one’s ribs, an Earthquake in India in 1993 that killed as many as 22,000, and a 1992 Earthquake that was paired with a Typhoon that beat the Legion of Doom for the Tag Team Titles. Luckily, the Earthquake is not invincible. Citizens of Haiti should know that he is susceptible to Yokozuna’s Bonzai drop, as well as the Giant’s chokeslam, so even in this dark time for the world, hope should remain alive.