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Gary Sinise and the Disabled American Veterans

The following telephone conversation took place approximately six months ago between a spokesperson from the Disabled American Veterans organization and the agent for actor Gary Sinise, who famously played Lieutenant Dan in Robert Zemeckis’ 1994 film Forrest Gump. OMGTEHNEWZ obtained a transcript of the conversation from unnamed sources. The dialogue took place as follows:

Agent: Hello?

Disabled American Veterans spokesperson: Hello, is this the agent for Lieutenant Dan?

A: My name is Glenn Richardson. I run an agency called Celebrity Talent International. I represent Gary Sinise, who once played a character named Lieutenant Dan.

DAV: Perfect, then you’re just the man I wanted to talk to. You see, we’re interested in having Lieutenant Dan star in a fundraising commercial for our foundation that benefits veterans who were disabled in wars.

A: Yes, but you have to understand that Mr. Sinise is an actor and “Lieutenant Dan” was just a character he played in a movie.

DAV: You bet he’s a character! That’s why we want him to be the voice of our commercial. Of all the disabled veterans I have seen, he has by far the most charisma.

A: I don’t think you understand what I am saying. Lieutenant Dan is fictional. If you ask Gary Sinise to be in your commercial, he is not going to be exactly the same as Lieutenant Dan from the movie.

DAV: So what you’re telling me is that if we hire him, he won’t have greasy long hair and he won’t drunkenly wheel himself around the studio with hookers behind him?

Drunk Lieutenant Dan

A: Exactly, that was just part of the character.

DAV: Excellent! Because, you see, we were worried that it would disappoint some of the veterans if he showed up like that. We were hoping he would be more like the clean cut Lieutenant Dan with prosthetic legs from the end of the movie. Could we get him to look like that?

A: Well, I guess his hair is shorter now, but I think you’re still missing the point. Gary Sinise has done lots of other roles since he played Lieutenant Dan. He has been starring in CSI: New York for several years. Perhaps you have seen him in that show?

DAV: Now hold on one minute. You mean to tell me that you represent Lieutenant Dan AND the guy from CSI?

A: They are the same… Well, yes, I guess you could say that.

DAV: That’s incredible. So I am just thinking out loud now, but maybe we could include the guy from CSI in the commercial too. I am envisioning him saying something heartfelt about disabled veterans, and then slowly removing his sunglasses for effect. What do you think?

A: I think you are confused again. The guy with the sunglasses is David Caruso. He is in CSI: Miami. I do not represent him. I represent Gary Sinise, who is in CSI: New York, and played Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump.

Not Lieutenant Dan

DAV: No, I think you are the one who is confused. I am quite sure that the guy from CSI takes off his sunglasses for effect. But you’re saying that you only represent Lieutenant Dan.

A: No, CTI represents many famous people. For example, we represent Sidney Poitier, Andre Agassi, Gwen Stefani, and Guy Fieri.

DAV: You represent Guy Fieri? I heard that guy’s food is terrible. This conversation is over. Good day sir.

A: You don’t have to hire Guy Fi-

DAV: I said good day!

[Silence]

DAV: Are you still there?

A: Yes, but I don’t know why.

DAV: After thinking it over, I would still like to hire Lieutenant Dan, even if we can’t get the guy from CSI, but you can’t make me hire Guy Fieri for catering.

A: I suppose I can agree to those terms. Mr. Sinise, err, Lieutenant Dan’s fee for a commercial is $100,000. Are you able to pay that?

DAV: Will he be wearing his prosthetic legs?

A: No, the prosthetic legs were a movie prop. He does not actually have prosthetic legs.

DAV: How much extra would it take for him to amputate the legs so he could wear prosthetics in the commercial?

A: I highly doubt that Lieutenant Dan will be willing to amputate his legs for a commercial.

DAV: Will you at least ask him?

A: No, I will not ask him. Would you like me to fax over the paperwork for his appearance fee?

DAV: Fine. I will make the check payable to Lieutenant Dan.

A: Why don’t you make the check out to his accountant. His name is Sinese. S-i-n-i-s-e. First name Gary.

DAV: That works for me. The check will be in the mail.

A few months later, the following commercial hit the air.