United States Claims Split-Decision Victory Over Iraq

By Bert Long, Senior Boxing Writer

WASHINGTON- The United States won a controversial decision over Iraq in a fight dubbed “Operation Enduring Freedom” last week. The victory moves the US’s record to 46-0-1 with 29 wins coming by way of knockout, but it was not the sort of dominating performance that some experts expected would solidify the country’s spot as the reigning heavyweight champion of countries.

The US was able to take down Iraq with a flurry of punches that landed in the early rounds and stunned the insurgent guerrillas. Iraq’s comeback in the middle rounds showed the champion’s age, and the inability to put away a weaker opponent demonstrated a loss of punching power and hand-speed. Nonetheless, the US was able to alter its strategy in the late rounds to stick it out for a clear win on the judges’ scorecards. While the victory was not so decisive as to end Iraq’s career, it was certainly the result that most predicted for the US.

The US maintained its undefeated record with the victory, though several of those matchups have come with a great deal of controversy. For example, when the United States was at the top of its game in the 1950s and 1960s, it exhibited the same type of hubris that doomed great champions like Apollo Creed by accepting challenges from unknown opponents such as Korea and Vietnam, both of which ended in uneven performances and disputed results. Despite the controversy, most boxing historians agree that the US’s record holds up against acre-for-acre greats like Rome, China, Greece, and the US’s first rival, Great Britain.

In fact, the US made its name with a stunning upset of Great Britain in its first professional fight in the late 18th century. A heavy underdog in the bout, the US used speed and a brilliantly executed game plan to out-point the reigning heavyweight champion at the time. While it took some time for the US to be recognized as an acre-for-acre contender in its own right, that fight was certainly the “Clay vs. Liston moment” in the young fighter’s early career.

[RIGHT- The US taking a break from training before one of its fights in the epic trilogy with Germany.]



While father time has taken its toll on the US as it would on any fighter, the old lion has shown a great deal of resiliency. What the country no longer has in speed, it makes up for with a still-lethal right hand and a great deal of veteran cunning that intimidates many opponents before even stepping in the ring. For instance, the US recently reaffirmed its status as one of the best fighters in a somewhat weaker era by knocking out Libya in the first round.

Like many great fighters, the US has had its career defined by some memorable rivalries that have brought the best out of the country. In addition to the early career rivalry with Great Britain, who later became a friend and training partner of the US, the USSR and Germany helped define the career of the United States by pushing it to level of greatness that can only be reached by going toe-to-toe with a worthy adversary. Even though the US’s legacy was already safe by the time it first encountered Iraq, the two fight series has helped define the latter stages of the country’s prestigious career.

Despite a tremendous amount of in-ring success, the United States has had many problems along the way. For example, there are persistent rumors that the US has mismanaged its finances badly over the last 20 years and must continue chasing big paydays in the ring even though its best days are behind it. The US certainly expected a bigger payday from its bout with Iraq, but when the oil fields failed to pay off, the US was left looking for another opponent who could offer a larger purse. Despite earning trillions in past fights, the United States has spent excessively and has joined past greats like Mike Tyson as fighters who have little to show financially for their in-ring dominance.

Furthermore, the latter portion of the US’s proud career has been dogged by legal trouble and speculation that the country has taken too many blows to the head. Repeatedly, the US has faced charges in the World Court for illegal tactics out of the ring, and must address on-going allegations of mortgage fraud that further mar its reputation. With increased knowledge of problems associated with concussions and repeated head trauma, some have speculated that the United States is “punch drunk,” or even suffering from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. CTE often leads to memory loss, aggression, confusion, and depression, all symptoms which the US shows frequently on reality television.

Despite all of the criticism, the US has proven itself to be an all-time great warrior with the skill and determination to match some of the best who ever fought. What the future holds for the US is unclear, as many of its rivals through Europe have fallen by the wayside. New challengers are emerging in China and India who may try to take the US’s title, but the failures of those who have come before show the difficult road those fighters have ahead of them.

Pujols, Wilson follow Latroy Hawkins’s lead to Anaheim

By Chauncey McGill
Anaheim- Major League Baseball’s balance of power shifted drastically to the west this week when All-Star free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson joined reliever Latroy Hawkins to form a dynamic new core for the team. This “Big 3” rivals the free agency haul of last year’s Miami Heat, and is sure to bring a similar amount of attention to what was once SoCal’s “other” baseball team.

Hawkins, formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, set the stage for the rapid-fire signings earlier this week by agreeing to a 1-year, $3 million contract to become a key cog in the Angels’ bullpen. After the team shored up that weakness, prized free agents Pujols and Wilson had no reservations about joining the squad that missed the playoffs last year.

[LEFT- Hawkins, Pujols, and Wilson forged a deep and enduring friendship during their time on Team USA. Now, that friendship has brought them together in Anaheim.]

Pujols spoke to reporters about how important it was for the team to lock down Hawkins. “I had a very tough choice between staying with the defending champions in St. Louis or taking a little more money to infuriate all of the fans who have supported me for the last ten years. I was not about to take that risk with a team that did not have a rock-solid bullpen to lock down games. Signing Hawkins really signaled that this Angels team means business and cares deeply about winning, which is exactly why I wanted to come here to play.”

Signing Hawkins was the first major move by new General Manager Jerry Dipoto, who joined the staff from the Arizona Diamondbacks earlier this fall. Dipoto noted that the Diamondbacks made last year’s playoffs due in part to a much improved bullpen that helped protect leads better than in years past, and he wanted to replicate that success in Anaheim. Without signing Hawkins, he said, the Pujols and Wilson signings- which amount to a combined $325 million- would have been frivolous and without merit.

Hawkins earned his salary by appearing in 52 games for the Brewers last year and accumulating a 2.42 ERA. Only three starting pitchers in the National League- Clayton Kershaw, Roy Halladay, and Cliff Lee- had a lower ERA than Hawkins, and none of them appeared in anywhere near 52 games. Additionally, Hawkins brings with him the expertise and inside knowledge of having played for almost every team in the Major Leagues. After starting his career with the Twins, Hawkins, who will turn 38 later this month, had stints with the Cubs, Giants, Orioles, Rockies, Yankees, Astros, and Brewers. Whenever the Angels play any of those teams, his firsthand knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses will be invaluable.

Wilson, who signed after leading the rival Texas Rangers to consecutive World Series, added that the Hawkins addition set a tone of selflessness in the clubhouse. “It was really gracious for Latroy to take such a small salary compared to Albert and me,” Wilson said at his introductory press conference. “If he had demanded more money, the team probably would not have had enough left over to sign both of us. Even though he is only making about 1% of the salaries that we are making, I think he deserves 100% of the credit for this plan coming together.”

The “plan” to which Wilson referred is an infamous pact between Pujols, Wilson, and Hawkins that took place at Hawkins’ bachelor party in the 2004 offseason. The three agreed that they would time their contracts to all run out after the 2011 season, then join each other to play together and win championship with whichever team could afford to pay them all their desired salaries. Many questioned whether that pact would hold up. Today we have the answer.

When asked for comment, newly acquired Angels catcher Chris Iannetta said, “Hey, what about me?”

STFU Hippie, Vol. 3: Cancer Awareness

I saw a young man with a patchy, whispy mustache this week and I asked him why he decided to grow out facial hair that his genetics could not support. “I’m growing a mustache because I’m raising awareness of men’s cancer,” the man responded. I bit my tongue and I let him have his moment, but what he said was preposterous. If he told a middle-aged man to get a professional prostate massage once a year, and- TA-DA!- some whiskers magically appeared on his upper lip, then he would be growing a mustache because he raised awareness of men’s cancer. In reality, he is falling victim to an inane fad, but he learned from the Pogs debacle that it is much better to link your stupid behavior to a social cause, lest someone questions the sheep-like mentality.

Raising awareness of cancer! We live in a time where we can conjure full movies to our telephones and cars can parallel park themselves. Believe it or not, the information age has allowed pretty much everyone in the world to be “aware” of cancer. What the hell is cancer awareness supposed to accomplish? Are a few more donations going to push the billions donated every year over the top to finding a “cure?” Are the scientists researching cancer not trying hard enough and need to see your ribbon or your mustache so they know how important it is that they cure cancer? You have no role in curing
cancer, you ignorant, solipsistic, arrogant prick.

I have heard some people say that the importance of raising cancer awareness is that it encourages people to take preventative measures. There are two reasons that this logic would only convince the hopelessly stupid. First, most of these stupid awareness campaigns are ultimately fundraisers. Most of the money that is raised is used to perpetuate the cancer awareness industry through marketing and paying staff. There is some small percentage that actually goes to cancer research, but how do you think that research money is spent? It is spent on pharmaceutical trials for treating cancer, which require people to have cancer, which is directly adverse to the idea of preventing cancer. In other words, raising money for cancer treatment research provides an economic incentive for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to NOT prevent cancer, because then who would they treat? Second, how the hell does a mustache or 15 minutes of power walking raise prevention awareness? Susan G. Komen isn't racing for a cure, she's racing for self-satisfied notoriety and money. If I was a betting man- and I am- I would wager everything I own that the vast majority of men who didn’t shave in November in order to raise cancer awareness could not tell me what the appropriate screening practice for prostate cancer is. And by majority, I mean 98%. And by 98%, I mean everyone. If you fit into that category, please don’t take this as a suggestion that you should go learn th

e screening process so you can preach about it down the road. Take it as a suggestion to shut up because you’re dumb.

[RIGHT: If people who are dumb enough to think this shirt is funny are aware of cancer, then I think you can stop wearing your pink batting gloves, Jose Reyes.]

Speaking of dumb people who think they are doing a good deed but are actually accomplishing nothing, the cancer awareness bug has seemingly bit every American professional sports team. Every NFL team, bastions of public health and welfare that they have always been, seems to have added neon pink to its color scheme this year in order to… I don’t know, blend in? Further obscure the off center racing stripes on their pants? Baseball players have even taken to using pink baseball bats. If I had to guess why they think this is a good idea, I’d probably say that they think they come out even on the cosmic accounting scale when you add the benefits of the pink bats and subtract the fact that they are actively causing cancer by chewing tobacco. What possible impact could a pink towel have? Is a researcher seeing it and saying “Oh crap! I better go administer this double blind clinical trial during the seventh inning stretch?” Okay, I suppose it is fair to acknowledge that the pink memorabilia is a way to sell yet another alternate color jersey without seemingly besmirching a team’s rich heritage, but let’s do without the charade next time- we know you’re running a business.

So what do we really know about cancer? Well, cancer was first classified as an illness around 400 B.C. by Hippocrates. You might be familiar with his big hit single- the Hippocratic Oath, for which he is the namesake. Judging by his career, the oath might as well have been, “First discover cancer, then fail to cure it, then do no harm.” Think about that, we have been “aware” of cancer since hundreds of years before people decided it was a bad idea to crucify people. We have been “aware” of cancer since before there was such a thing as “paper” on which to write the word “cancer.” But it’s good to see that you have that ribbon, so I guess we’re covered. Now please shut up and shave your face.