Scientific Rounding Error Responsible for Inaccurate Calendar, Most Climate Change

By Mauricio Luna

OSLO- Shortly after the world celebrated the 2012 New Year, scientists put a damper on the celebration by announcing that an age-old rounding error is responsible for accumulated inaccuracies in the world’s predominant calendar system. Scientists will adjust for the error by skipping the calendar ahead several weeks to February 16th on Thursday in order to restore the calendar to its proper calibration.

The calendar problem dates back to the late 16th century, when Pope Gregory XIII, a well-documented egomaniac and forerunner to modern reality television, adopted the Gregorian calendar to correct supposed flaws in the preceding Julian calendar, which came to prominence under Julius Caesar. At the time, it was said that the Julian calendar’s presumption that a revolution around the sun took exactly 365.25 days was off by 11 minutes, but the proclamation was panned on Twitter and by bloggers even at the time. Unsurprisingly, 16th Century technology and the Catholic Church’s abysmal scientific record combined to adjust the calendar in the wrong direction and by less than half of the appropriate length of time. The mistake is said to be the product of a rushed timeframe imposed by the Pope in order to insure his name would be attached to the world’s preeminent calendar. As a result, time has shifted gradually over the course of almost 500 years to the point where we are now more than 30 days off of the proper place in Earth’s revolution around the sun.

[BELOW: Pope Gregory XIII often wondered if he was the only one who gave a fuck about the calendar rules.]

The problem was first noticed by climatologists who noticed that the last few years’ weather patterns have been extremely out of line with history, even by Al Gore’s standards. Alfonse Santos of the Spanish think tank Climaté Muy Caliente first posed the idea that the calendar was incorrect when he noticed that entire seasons seemed to be shifting in different parts of the world. In fact, the newly identified flaw is said to be responsible for most of what was thought to be climate change throughout the world. What were previously thought to be unseasonably warm winters in parts of the world were literally unseasonably: they were actually average springs. As a result, the scientists say that nobody has to worry about carbon emissions, gas mileage, recycling, or landfills ever again. The world is now free to go back to making fun of environmentalists for being pussies who sob uncontrollably whenever a dolphin stupidly rams its nose into a plastic soda can ring.

Scientists acknowledged that moving the calendar ahead to February 16th would create some difficult complications since roughly 10% of the year would immediately vanish into thin air, but they proposed what they felt were workable solutions to those issues. First, they asserted that Mitt Romney would be declared the winner of the Republican Primaries that would disappear into the time shift. Most Americans eagerly accepted this bland result over the interminable and pointless melodrama of even more Republican debates and inconclusive primaries.

In sports, the scientists proposed that the Pittsburgh Steelers would be named Super Bowl Champions even though the entire NFL playoffs would be obliterated. Although the Steelers were only the number five seed in the AFC playoffs, the scientists declared them winners because they already have several nondescript championships that most fans don’t remember, and adding one more to the tally would seemingly create few problems. Skipping the playoffs would have the added benefit of saving Americans from sitting through an average of 214 hours of beer and truck commercials per person, and would save those same beer and truck companies enough in marketing expenses to stop outsourcing jobs. In related news, the plan is to tell all of the NASCAR fans that Kurt Busch won the Daytona 500 and they all got too drunk to remember what happened.

While skipping the next six weeks has some drawbacks, the scientists are confident that they will be able to convince the world that it is ultimately a good idea. First, they have pointed out that almost everyone in the world is in massive debt, and the jump forward would be six weeks in which mortgages, credit card bills, and student loans would not be accruing any interest. For those who remain unconvinced, the scientists have made an analogy to the start of daylight savings time. “Springing forward,” as it is often called, allows people to stay up an extra hour later at night, so the scientists have told people to think of jumping six weeks into the future as a really large spring forward.

United States Claims Split-Decision Victory Over Iraq

By Bert Long, Senior Boxing Writer

WASHINGTON- The United States won a controversial decision over Iraq in a fight dubbed “Operation Enduring Freedom” last week. The victory moves the US’s record to 46-0-1 with 29 wins coming by way of knockout, but it was not the sort of dominating performance that some experts expected would solidify the country’s spot as the reigning heavyweight champion of countries.

The US was able to take down Iraq with a flurry of punches that landed in the early rounds and stunned the insurgent guerrillas. Iraq’s comeback in the middle rounds showed the champion’s age, and the inability to put away a weaker opponent demonstrated a loss of punching power and hand-speed. Nonetheless, the US was able to alter its strategy in the late rounds to stick it out for a clear win on the judges’ scorecards. While the victory was not so decisive as to end Iraq’s career, it was certainly the result that most predicted for the US.

The US maintained its undefeated record with the victory, though several of those matchups have come with a great deal of controversy. For example, when the United States was at the top of its game in the 1950s and 1960s, it exhibited the same type of hubris that doomed great champions like Apollo Creed by accepting challenges from unknown opponents such as Korea and Vietnam, both of which ended in uneven performances and disputed results. Despite the controversy, most boxing historians agree that the US’s record holds up against acre-for-acre greats like Rome, China, Greece, and the US’s first rival, Great Britain.

In fact, the US made its name with a stunning upset of Great Britain in its first professional fight in the late 18th century. A heavy underdog in the bout, the US used speed and a brilliantly executed game plan to out-point the reigning heavyweight champion at the time. While it took some time for the US to be recognized as an acre-for-acre contender in its own right, that fight was certainly the “Clay vs. Liston moment” in the young fighter’s early career.

[RIGHT- The US taking a break from training before one of its fights in the epic trilogy with Germany.]



While father time has taken its toll on the US as it would on any fighter, the old lion has shown a great deal of resiliency. What the country no longer has in speed, it makes up for with a still-lethal right hand and a great deal of veteran cunning that intimidates many opponents before even stepping in the ring. For instance, the US recently reaffirmed its status as one of the best fighters in a somewhat weaker era by knocking out Libya in the first round.

Like many great fighters, the US has had its career defined by some memorable rivalries that have brought the best out of the country. In addition to the early career rivalry with Great Britain, who later became a friend and training partner of the US, the USSR and Germany helped define the career of the United States by pushing it to level of greatness that can only be reached by going toe-to-toe with a worthy adversary. Even though the US’s legacy was already safe by the time it first encountered Iraq, the two fight series has helped define the latter stages of the country’s prestigious career.

Despite a tremendous amount of in-ring success, the United States has had many problems along the way. For example, there are persistent rumors that the US has mismanaged its finances badly over the last 20 years and must continue chasing big paydays in the ring even though its best days are behind it. The US certainly expected a bigger payday from its bout with Iraq, but when the oil fields failed to pay off, the US was left looking for another opponent who could offer a larger purse. Despite earning trillions in past fights, the United States has spent excessively and has joined past greats like Mike Tyson as fighters who have little to show financially for their in-ring dominance.

Furthermore, the latter portion of the US’s proud career has been dogged by legal trouble and speculation that the country has taken too many blows to the head. Repeatedly, the US has faced charges in the World Court for illegal tactics out of the ring, and must address on-going allegations of mortgage fraud that further mar its reputation. With increased knowledge of problems associated with concussions and repeated head trauma, some have speculated that the United States is “punch drunk,” or even suffering from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. CTE often leads to memory loss, aggression, confusion, and depression, all symptoms which the US shows frequently on reality television.

Despite all of the criticism, the US has proven itself to be an all-time great warrior with the skill and determination to match some of the best who ever fought. What the future holds for the US is unclear, as many of its rivals through Europe have fallen by the wayside. New challengers are emerging in China and India who may try to take the US’s title, but the failures of those who have come before show the difficult road those fighters have ahead of them.

Pujols, Wilson follow Latroy Hawkins’s lead to Anaheim

By Chauncey McGill
Anaheim- Major League Baseball’s balance of power shifted drastically to the west this week when All-Star free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson joined reliever Latroy Hawkins to form a dynamic new core for the team. This “Big 3” rivals the free agency haul of last year’s Miami Heat, and is sure to bring a similar amount of attention to what was once SoCal’s “other” baseball team.

Hawkins, formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, set the stage for the rapid-fire signings earlier this week by agreeing to a 1-year, $3 million contract to become a key cog in the Angels’ bullpen. After the team shored up that weakness, prized free agents Pujols and Wilson had no reservations about joining the squad that missed the playoffs last year.

[LEFT- Hawkins, Pujols, and Wilson forged a deep and enduring friendship during their time on Team USA. Now, that friendship has brought them together in Anaheim.]

Pujols spoke to reporters about how important it was for the team to lock down Hawkins. “I had a very tough choice between staying with the defending champions in St. Louis or taking a little more money to infuriate all of the fans who have supported me for the last ten years. I was not about to take that risk with a team that did not have a rock-solid bullpen to lock down games. Signing Hawkins really signaled that this Angels team means business and cares deeply about winning, which is exactly why I wanted to come here to play.”

Signing Hawkins was the first major move by new General Manager Jerry Dipoto, who joined the staff from the Arizona Diamondbacks earlier this fall. Dipoto noted that the Diamondbacks made last year’s playoffs due in part to a much improved bullpen that helped protect leads better than in years past, and he wanted to replicate that success in Anaheim. Without signing Hawkins, he said, the Pujols and Wilson signings- which amount to a combined $325 million- would have been frivolous and without merit.

Hawkins earned his salary by appearing in 52 games for the Brewers last year and accumulating a 2.42 ERA. Only three starting pitchers in the National League- Clayton Kershaw, Roy Halladay, and Cliff Lee- had a lower ERA than Hawkins, and none of them appeared in anywhere near 52 games. Additionally, Hawkins brings with him the expertise and inside knowledge of having played for almost every team in the Major Leagues. After starting his career with the Twins, Hawkins, who will turn 38 later this month, had stints with the Cubs, Giants, Orioles, Rockies, Yankees, Astros, and Brewers. Whenever the Angels play any of those teams, his firsthand knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses will be invaluable.

Wilson, who signed after leading the rival Texas Rangers to consecutive World Series, added that the Hawkins addition set a tone of selflessness in the clubhouse. “It was really gracious for Latroy to take such a small salary compared to Albert and me,” Wilson said at his introductory press conference. “If he had demanded more money, the team probably would not have had enough left over to sign both of us. Even though he is only making about 1% of the salaries that we are making, I think he deserves 100% of the credit for this plan coming together.”

The “plan” to which Wilson referred is an infamous pact between Pujols, Wilson, and Hawkins that took place at Hawkins’ bachelor party in the 2004 offseason. The three agreed that they would time their contracts to all run out after the 2011 season, then join each other to play together and win championship with whichever team could afford to pay them all their desired salaries. Many questioned whether that pact would hold up. Today we have the answer.

When asked for comment, newly acquired Angels catcher Chris Iannetta said, “Hey, what about me?”

STFU Hippie, Vol. 3: Cancer Awareness

I saw a young man with a patchy, whispy mustache this week and I asked him why he decided to grow out facial hair that his genetics could not support. “I’m growing a mustache because I’m raising awareness of men’s cancer,” the man responded. I bit my tongue and I let him have his moment, but what he said was preposterous. If he told a middle-aged man to get a professional prostate massage once a year, and- TA-DA!- some whiskers magically appeared on his upper lip, then he would be growing a mustache because he raised awareness of men’s cancer. In reality, he is falling victim to an inane fad, but he learned from the Pogs debacle that it is much better to link your stupid behavior to a social cause, lest someone questions the sheep-like mentality.

Raising awareness of cancer! We live in a time where we can conjure full movies to our telephones and cars can parallel park themselves. Believe it or not, the information age has allowed pretty much everyone in the world to be “aware” of cancer. What the hell is cancer awareness supposed to accomplish? Are a few more donations going to push the billions donated every year over the top to finding a “cure?” Are the scientists researching cancer not trying hard enough and need to see your ribbon or your mustache so they know how important it is that they cure cancer? You have no role in curing
cancer, you ignorant, solipsistic, arrogant prick.

I have heard some people say that the importance of raising cancer awareness is that it encourages people to take preventative measures. There are two reasons that this logic would only convince the hopelessly stupid. First, most of these stupid awareness campaigns are ultimately fundraisers. Most of the money that is raised is used to perpetuate the cancer awareness industry through marketing and paying staff. There is some small percentage that actually goes to cancer research, but how do you think that research money is spent? It is spent on pharmaceutical trials for treating cancer, which require people to have cancer, which is directly adverse to the idea of preventing cancer. In other words, raising money for cancer treatment research provides an economic incentive for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to NOT prevent cancer, because then who would they treat? Second, how the hell does a mustache or 15 minutes of power walking raise prevention awareness? Susan G. Komen isn't racing for a cure, she's racing for self-satisfied notoriety and money. If I was a betting man- and I am- I would wager everything I own that the vast majority of men who didn’t shave in November in order to raise cancer awareness could not tell me what the appropriate screening practice for prostate cancer is. And by majority, I mean 98%. And by 98%, I mean everyone. If you fit into that category, please don’t take this as a suggestion that you should go learn th

e screening process so you can preach about it down the road. Take it as a suggestion to shut up because you’re dumb.

[RIGHT: If people who are dumb enough to think this shirt is funny are aware of cancer, then I think you can stop wearing your pink batting gloves, Jose Reyes.]

Speaking of dumb people who think they are doing a good deed but are actually accomplishing nothing, the cancer awareness bug has seemingly bit every American professional sports team. Every NFL team, bastions of public health and welfare that they have always been, seems to have added neon pink to its color scheme this year in order to… I don’t know, blend in? Further obscure the off center racing stripes on their pants? Baseball players have even taken to using pink baseball bats. If I had to guess why they think this is a good idea, I’d probably say that they think they come out even on the cosmic accounting scale when you add the benefits of the pink bats and subtract the fact that they are actively causing cancer by chewing tobacco. What possible impact could a pink towel have? Is a researcher seeing it and saying “Oh crap! I better go administer this double blind clinical trial during the seventh inning stretch?” Okay, I suppose it is fair to acknowledge that the pink memorabilia is a way to sell yet another alternate color jersey without seemingly besmirching a team’s rich heritage, but let’s do without the charade next time- we know you’re running a business.

So what do we really know about cancer? Well, cancer was first classified as an illness around 400 B.C. by Hippocrates. You might be familiar with his big hit single- the Hippocratic Oath, for which he is the namesake. Judging by his career, the oath might as well have been, “First discover cancer, then fail to cure it, then do no harm.” Think about that, we have been “aware” of cancer since hundreds of years before people decided it was a bad idea to crucify people. We have been “aware” of cancer since before there was such a thing as “paper” on which to write the word “cancer.” But it’s good to see that you have that ribbon, so I guess we’re covered. Now please shut up and shave your face.

Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

“Principal for a Day” Program Goes Horribly Awry

By Parker Wallace

COLUMBUS- The “Principal for a Day” Program at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School in northeastern Columbus was derailed on Tuesday when it was discovered that 6-year old Tommy Warrick was woefully underqualified. After winning the honor for coming in first place in his 1st grade spelling bee, Warrick was completely overwhelmed by the complex administrative and personnel duties that the usual principal, Maureen Jackson, deals with every day.

Warrick began the day of abject failure by arriving later than is customary for the principal. While Principal Jackson would normally get to school between 6:30 and 7 A.M., Warrick did not arrive until approximately 7:55 A.M, only minutes before the school’s bell was set to ring. As a result, secretary Norma Flynn had to arrange coverage for two absent teachers, field over 20 phone calls from parents, dispatch a janitor to fix a broken faucet in the girl’s bathroom, and monitor the staff sign-in sheet with no assistance. When an exasperated Flynn asked Warrick if there was any reason for his late arrival, the child unsympathetically brushed aside her concern, saying that, “this is the time my mom always drops me off.”

The situation became even worse for Flynn when she asked Warrick what he wanted to drink. Jackson customarily drinks hot tea in the morning, but occasionally prefers coffee with cream and Splenda. Instead, Warrick told Flynn that he wanted orange juice. When he was informed that the office only had coffee and tea prepared, he said that he “does not like coffee and tea,” and “wants orange juice.” Flynn interpreted the request as a directive from a superior and left the school to drive to the nearest 7-11 and purchase a bottle of orange juice with her own money. From there, the monumental failure of Warrick's administration would only deepen.

[LEFT- If only Warrick had taken his responsibility as seriously as last year's Principal for a Day, Peter Filstrom, perhaps this mammoth catastrophe could have been averted.]

Flynn’s momentary absence left an administrative hole in the main office for which Warrick was not able to compensate. At 8:30 A.M., Jennifer Baggerly, the K-3 music teacher arrived at the main office during her prep period with Dan Stephens, a staff representative for the National Educators Association. Principal Jackson had scheduled a disciplinary meeting with Baggerly to discuss her inappropriate use of sick days for personal leave. Since Baggerly had received previous coaching on the subject, the meeting was intended to progress her discipline to a last chance agreement, thus requiring representation from her union. While Jackson prefers to deal with disciplinary matters in a factual and non-confrontational fashion, Warrick’s management style proved to be substantially less advanced. When Baggerly and Stephens entered the office for their meeting, he was hiding under the desk with chairs set up to enclose himself in a fort. He then told Baggerly that she “smells like cats,” and refused to come out from under the desk. When told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss Baggerly’s use of sick leave, he said “grandma’s sick and she smells like cats too.” At that point, an exasperated Stephens requested that the meeting be rescheduled and left the office, adding another catastrophe to Warrick's short resume.

The next two hours were quiet, as Flynn managed the office affairs while Warrick figured out how to log onto Jackson’s computer and distracted himself by watching videos of people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on YouTube. The peacefulness was disturbed when beloved lunchroom supervisor Dorothy Tabin entered the office to check in for her shift. When Warrick saw Tabin, he ran out from behind his desk and hugged her leg. When she said she needed him to let go because it was unprofessional and she needed to go to the lunchroom, he continued to hold on and squeezed even tighter. Tabin has since contacted an attorney and said that she plans on suing Warrick and the school district for sexual harassment and for creating a work environment in which she feels uncomfortable. When contacted, the school district had no comment on the subject.

In the afternoon, Warrick became angry when he learned that the principal does not get a break for recess. He saw many of his classmates playing kickball on the fields outside the school and told Flynn that he was going to play with them. When Flynn reminded him that his signature was required to approve dozens of expense reports, Warrick became irritated and threw the folder full of reports on the floor, scattering several hours’ worth of receipt collation. It was one of the most petulant administrative acts anyone had seen since the former 6th grade basketball coach, Mr. Harris, kicked over a water cooler after a referee called his star player for traveling.

Finally, Warrick finished the day by failing miserably at a budget committee meeting at the school district’s downtown headquarters. He started by backing Jackson’s car into two separate parked cars in the parking lot, then hit and ran several more vehicles on the 10-minute drive to the headquarters. He eventually arrived without the presentation on Hayes Elementary’s cutbacks proposal that was required for the meeting, which meant that the school’s budget would automatically revert to the control of the city council. Once again, Warrick’s wanton fiscal and administrative irresponsibility resulted in a management nightmare for Hayes Elementary.

As a result of Warrick’s abysmal performance as principal for a day, the school is contemplating altering the rules of the contest going forward. For example, under one proposed rule change, any student who wins the award would have to undergo a 30-minute tutorial on being a principal before assuming total control of the school.

ESPN Announces New 24-Hour Sports Gossip Network

By Wallace Parker

BRISTOL- Executives of the sports network ESPN announced plans this week to launch a new channel dedicated entirely to tabloid journalism and speculative gossip related to the world of sports. The network, a joint venture between ESPN and popular tabloid magazine US Weekly, will be known as eUSpn and will use a silhouette of Brett Favre’s penis for its logo.

“Today is an exciting day for people who sort of like sports, but who really enjoy the pageantry and rumor-mongering that have come to be a staple of sports in the modern era,” George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN told reporters at a news conference. “We came to realize that our core audience would be best served by reporting on gossip that is tangentially related to sports around the clock, because those fans are actually more interested in hearing about Cam Newton’s improper benefits, Albert Haynesworth running laps on the sidelines, Lebron's posse, and David Beckham’s newest pube style than watching actual sports.”

The decision represents a departure for the network, which was originally launched to show sports 24-7. In the early years, ESPN showed live sporting events almost around the clock, breaking occasionally to show highlights from other events. Now, ESPN intermittently breaks from sports-tinged rants by useless talking heads to show heavily-produced clips of sports. The advent of eUSpn will reconcile that tension by focusing all of the gossip on one channel while allowing the flagship network to go back to its original modus operandi: televising World’s Strongest Man and darts marathons.

Early rumors indicate that the network will launch early next year with a special countdown of the most riveting postgame non-handshakes of the last 50 years. With offenders ranging from the Bad Boy Pistons to Jim Schwartz and John Harbaugh, the show is full of enough catfight material to make the bitchiest real housewife shake in her stilettos and reach for the hormone

therapy pills.

[LEFT: Roger Clemens was known as The Rocket on ESPN. On eUSpn, he will be known as The Defendant.]

The network has already started development of several other programs. Postgame Live will be hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and will feature wives and girlfriends of athletes reacting to games that have just been completed and promoting philanthropic ventures that may or may not exist. E! veteran Melissa Rivers has also been brought on to co-star in a red carpet show in which she and Jay Mariotti will criticize whatever athletes wore to recent black tie events. Finally, The Leadership Hour will feature inane blowhard Merrill Hodge yelling about players’ intangibles every night from 7-8 PM EST.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the network may also merge some of US Weekly’s content into the on-air realm. One feature that may be in development is an “Athletes: They’re just like us” segment in which sports stars are shown holding kids or taking out garbage. The feature has proven itself invaluable to the magazine because it makes the stars relatable, which makes readers more likely to buy their weight loss supplements and/or bogus energy bracelets. The channel will also show daily clips of athletes on vacation, highlighting those who have killer bods, or perhaps those sporting baby bumps. In all segments, athletes will be referred to by mindless nicknames and uncorroborated rumors will be expressed as highly-suggestive statements with question marks, such as “D-Wade: a new daddy?” One subject that remains unresolved is whether the network will air any footage of actual athletic events. While some say those clips should remain in the territory of ESPN, others think that there are too many great endzone dances, sideline arguments, and dugout Gatorade cooler attacks at stake.

Mr. Bodenheimer went on to say that the change in direction has been a long time coming. He referred to the gravitational shift in American society away from substance and toward relentless gossip-mongering. “We saw the direction of television news as a harbinger for the rest of the entertainment industry. When they stopped talking about policy and replaced all of their anchors with the equivalent of Page 6 columnists, we saw the writing on the wall. That made it clear to us that the future was in Eurotrash tabloid celebrity gossip. That, and the growth of soccer in America.”

ESPN says that the diversification will have the added benefit of growing the brand in a new direction. For instance, the network anticipates that its anchors will become pop culture personalities rather than anonymous talking heads, much like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Perez Hilton, and Harvey Levin are integral parts of the stories on which they report rather than neutral observers. In its early days, ESPN was praised for cultivating talented on-air personalities, such as Dan Patrick, Charlie Steiner, and Keith Olberman, but has found it difficult to keep up that standard since they stopped hiring talented people. By transitioning the content to inane yammering, they believe they can replicate the success that similarly talentless hosts like Beck have captured on eUSpn.

When asked for comment, out of work NFL star Terrell Owens said, “Thank you Jesus! Where do I sign up?”