Having to justify that you are a music fan, even though you don’t love Electric Light Orchestra, is bad. Gritting your teeth through a Titus Andronicus album because it made everybody’s top 10 list is worse. Hipster Music Critics will stop at nothing to make listening to music a joyless and soul-crushing experience as long as it reaffirms their holistic separation from whatever tropes dominate the mainstream at that time.
But you have not experienced the true agony of the Hipster Music Critic until you have seen one double back on itself like an all-consuming black hole. This never-ending vortex of music suck is called Ann Powers and it writes for Slate.com.
In Slate’s 2010 year in review roundtable on music, Powers’ colleagues provided the usual hipster fodder: Taylor Swift is a spoiled brat; Kanye West is a tortured genius; Arcade Fire and MIA deserve waaaaay more attention. Powers, though, was not content to beat that hipster drum. Powers longed so hopelessly for attention that she had to push even further away from the mainstream.
Some hipsters posit themselves as better than you by telling you that your taste is derivative and you can’t really enjoy Nirvana until you have listened to Leadbelly’s entire discography nine times. Others say that you favorite band is untalented and that you should check out Clap Your Hands Say Yeah for a more organic musical experience.
Powers is so consumed by her own self-righteousness that she is too cool for all the stuff that’s cool to the people who are too cool for everything else. To separate herself from even those other “cool kids,” Powers spent her “Best of 2010” space explaining that Katy Perry is actually a musical genius.
I have explained before that Katy Perry’s music is oppressively and insultingly bad. She is an adequate singer who is not good looking enough to be famous for her looks, but she markets herself relentlessly. It’s not her skill that makes her uniquely bad, though, it’s her atrociously manipulative song writing. She pulls out every cheap trick in the book. She switches from rhyming couplets to slant rhymes to non-rhymes in the same verse. She passionately belts out lyrics that make as much sense as Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky, but without the irony or the drugs. She throws around popular locations and activities as a proxy for evoking actual emotion or intrigue. I don’t blame Katy Perry- she’s raking in money by being a publicity whore and many others have done far worse. I blame Powers because she has the credentials that suggest that she should know better. You can’t convict a child of murder because the law says that a child can’t have the necessary mindset to appreciate what murder is. Katy Perry is the child who either doesn’t understand how bad her music is or doesn’t care to find out. Ann Powers is the adult, but instead of murder, she’s committing journalistic atrocities on par with Pol Pot’s killing fields.
Powers thinks she can get away with it because the science behind being a Hipster Music Critic is so flimsy. Music is a highly individualized art and intelligent people can disagree on what makes a song good or bad. Powers metastasizes this lark to expose it for its true folly. Food is another highly personalized issue, but everyone knows that a McDonald’s hamburger sucks. If a food critic wrote a column explaining that everyone had been missing out on how McDonald’s hamburgers were secret culinary masterpieces, he would be exposed as a fraud or a liar trying to get attention. Katy Perry’s music caters to the lowest common denominator at least as egregiously McDonald’s, so Powers deserves the same treatment. So I will take that responsibility: Ann Powers is a fraud or she lies to get attention.
Powers writes, “What finally allowed me to come to terms with Perry—and it was the song ‘Teenage Dream’ that really did it—was realizing that the very point of Perry is the way her old-fashioned emotions rub up so provocatively against her right-now poses.” Of course, you have “realized” what the point is. It’s all so obvious to you, Ann Powers, while the rest of us dither away at our desks, you have the rational ability to strip the pretense away and see Katy Perry for what she really is. That is the blessing and the curse of having the supernatural abilities of being a Hipster Music Critic. She goes on:
"’You think I'm pretty without any makeup on,’ Perry whispers incredulously in the first line of 'Teenage Dream,' her voice leaning slightly stunned against a latticework-privacy-fence of kick drum. The plucked way Perry sings the lyric—as if what she's saying is just impossible—says so much about how far we all feel we've strayed from our genuine selves. That line is the most important one to make the Top 10 this year, I think: its tragic nostalgia, playing out the new version of the hard-soft dynamic that made 1990s alt-rock so shocking.”
Congratulations, Ann Powers, you just spent more time typing out that run-on sentence than Katy Perry did recording that song in the studio. If you think you have strayed so far from you genuine self, you can be reminded of it by just about any musician who has ever performed. Katy Perry is not some musical sage who bestows her wisdom through carefully crafted verses, intoned for maximum soul-searching effect. She’s a stripper with a five-head. And that line is not “the most important one.” It’s an age-old pillow talk cliché. What is tragic about the nostalgia? That doesn’t even make sense. Why am I wasting time trying to figure out the nonsense language that this bold deceiver used to throw everyone off her scent?
It’s not possible for a Hipster Music Critic to write an honestly flattering review of Katy Perry, so Ann Powers had to dip into Perry’s bag of tricks and play the “unintelligible gibberish” card. Please go back to telling us how great the Flaming Lips are live and drinking your PBR. Defending Katy Perry is not going to work, and you aren’t going to get hipster bonus points for trying.
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Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Save Time and Money and Escape with a Bacation!
By Jeff Germane, Travel Agent at Quantum Travel Services
In times like these, we all have to tighten our belts and make the dollar stretch as far as possible. Whether it’s bringing lunch to work or turning down that thermostat, we are all saving money in our own way. In all likelihood, that savings account that you would like to use on a vacation to Tahiti or Hawaii is not as robust as you would like it to be. You might be starting to worry that you are going to have to ride out the winter doldrums without the valuable R&R to keep that Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay.
Well, my homebound friends, today is your lucky day. My colleagues at Quantum Travel Services have come up with a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who want a cheaper and easier way to recharge those batteries. It’s called a bacation, and let me tell you, it is delicious. The bacation is a lot like a typical vacation, but instead of packing your bags, flying to an exotic locale, sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais, and sitting in the sun, you eat bacon. It’s that simple!
Now, you are probably asking yourself, where did you come up with this brilliant idea? It’s really pretty simple. I was thinking of what people love so much about vacation, and it really boils down to having fun. You know what else is fun? Eating bacon. The name was the tricky part. What I ended up doing was taking part of the word bacon, and part of the word vacation, and putting them together into one word. Bacation. I’m sure you’d like to know which word the “c” came from, but that’s not the kind of information I’m going to give away for free!
Some people like to take vacations because they get to see and learn about foreign cultures. The bacation offers plenty of cultural exposure, too. You can drop in on our neighbors to the north and sample some Canadian Bacon. Sounds pretty good, eh? But seriously, it’s a short trip from bacon to get to the beautiful and romantic German Bratwurst, a favorite for young honeymooners. If you’re really up for an adventure, try salami or prosciutto! Although they’re a little pricier and technically not bacon, cured meats can be a delicious addition to a sandwich and they make a great appetizer. As
they say in Italy, Vorrei cambiare dei soldi!
In times like these, we all have to tighten our belts and make the dollar stretch as far as possible. Whether it’s bringing lunch to work or turning down that thermostat, we are all saving money in our own way. In all likelihood, that savings account that you would like to use on a vacation to Tahiti or Hawaii is not as robust as you would like it to be. You might be starting to worry that you are going to have to ride out the winter doldrums without the valuable R&R to keep that Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay.
Well, my homebound friends, today is your lucky day. My colleagues at Quantum Travel Services have come up with a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who want a cheaper and easier way to recharge those batteries. It’s called a bacation, and let me tell you, it is delicious. The bacation is a lot like a typical vacation, but instead of packing your bags, flying to an exotic locale, sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais, and sitting in the sun, you eat bacon. It’s that simple!
Now, you are probably asking yourself, where did you come up with this brilliant idea? It’s really pretty simple. I was thinking of what people love so much about vacation, and it really boils down to having fun. You know what else is fun? Eating bacon. The name was the tricky part. What I ended up doing was taking part of the word bacon, and part of the word vacation, and putting them together into one word. Bacation. I’m sure you’d like to know which word the “c” came from, but that’s not the kind of information I’m going to give away for free!
Some people like to take vacations because they get to see and learn about foreign cultures. The bacation offers plenty of cultural exposure, too. You can drop in on our neighbors to the north and sample some Canadian Bacon. Sounds pretty good, eh? But seriously, it’s a short trip from bacon to get to the beautiful and romantic German Bratwurst, a favorite for young honeymooners. If you’re really up for an adventure, try salami or prosciutto! Although they’re a little pricier and technically not bacon, cured meats can be a delicious addition to a sandwich and they make a great appetizer. As
they say in Italy, Vorrei cambiare dei soldi! [LEFT- I shall call it... the BAKINI!]
The bacation is a great way for families to come together to bond. Young or old, anyone can appreciate some deliciously fried pig flesh. You can spice up you family slide show with pictures of BLTs, breakfast sandwiches, and omelets. There are only so many pictures of zoos and sunsets that your relatives will watch before they drift to sleep. Throw some pictures of bacon in there, and add some savory zest to the show.
These days, travel can be a real hassle. Would you rather spend an entire day slogging through crowded and dirty airports and sitting in a cramped plane, or eat bacon? Would you rather sleep in an uncomfortable bed in a hotel that is probably covered in several caked-on layers of years-old semen, or eat bacon? Would you rather go through the hassle of customs tell you that it’s “illegal” to bring drugs and live animals across international lines and get shoved in a Third World holding cell while you wait for your lawyer to bribe the banana republic government, or eat bacon? Would you rather pay hard earned cash for an underage hooker only to find out later that it’s a Ladyboy, or eat bacon? I rest my case.
Just because you don’t get a tan doesn’t mean your vacation can’t sizzle! Call to book your bacation today, and you will receive a complimentary fork to enjoy your bacation even
The bacation is a great way for families to come together to bond. Young or old, anyone can appreciate some deliciously fried pig flesh. You can spice up you family slide show with pictures of BLTs, breakfast sandwiches, and omelets. There are only so many pictures of zoos and sunsets that your relatives will watch before they drift to sleep. Throw some pictures of bacon in there, and add some savory zest to the show.
These days, travel can be a real hassle. Would you rather spend an entire day slogging through crowded and dirty airports and sitting in a cramped plane, or eat bacon? Would you rather sleep in an uncomfortable bed in a hotel that is probably covered in several caked-on layers of years-old semen, or eat bacon? Would you rather go through the hassle of customs tell you that it’s “illegal” to bring drugs and live animals across international lines and get shoved in a Third World holding cell while you wait for your lawyer to bribe the banana republic government, or eat bacon? Would you rather pay hard earned cash for an underage hooker only to find out later that it’s a Ladyboy, or eat bacon? I rest my case.
Just because you don’t get a tan doesn’t mean your vacation can’t sizzle! Call to book your bacation today, and you will receive a complimentary fork to enjoy your bacation even
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Microwave Conundrum: Our Generation’s Greatest Test of Moral Rectitude
The microwave oven has become an indispensable part of everyday life. One would be shocked to walk into a kitchen without one. Their ubiquity is so prevalent that many Americans use them every day of the week for food preparation. I believe, though, that even such a repetitive and thoughtless activity reveals a great deal about human intelligence and morality.
The first question is how someone sets the timer on the microwave, and it speaks volumes about whether the microwave user is a mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal or the sort of reasonably competent member of society who knows how to turn right at a red light, flushes the toilet in public bathrooms, and has never voted for someone who is both stupid and arrogant enough to make up new words by accident then claim an intentional neologism.
Imagine you have to microwave something for a minute and a half. It’s a pretty common amount of time for something coming out of the refrigerator and it illustrates a point. Most people would probably hit the “1” key, the “3” key, the “0” key, then start the microwave. Most people are idiots. You might not personally know anyone who will go to see the new Nic Cage movie “Season of the Witch,” at least not seriously, but Hollywood producers decided enough people would see it to give him this movie on the heels of “Bangkok Dangerous,” “The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans,” and “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” That means that there is a huge number of insanely stupid people who are going to see abysmal Nic Cage movies, one after another. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans?!?! That must be the worst name for a movie of all time. It has two different punctuation marks and I still have no idea what the movie is about. Granted, “2 Fast 2 Furious” is a bad name, but at least I can figure out that it’s a sequel to “The Fast and the Furious.” The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans sounds like an over-budget gay Skinemax flop. And by the way, how does “Raising Arizona” not make it into the Nic Cage’s IMDB Top 4? His career includes so many movies that were so bad that they became cult hits that they have completely overwhelmed his really good breakout performance. That would be like Jefferson Airplane renaming itself and making such terrible music over decades that people forgot about White Rabbit, Somebody to Love, and the band's role in the Summer of Love because its subsequent music was such an abortion. Wait a minute, that also happened. At least nobody goes to see Jefferson Starship play to crowds of 200 at Indian Casinos. Cage has so many awful movies that people remember them for being awful at the expense of his good movies. AND PEOPLE STILL GO TO SEE HIS MOVIES!
[RIGHT- Okay, the mustache was a bad decision, but his career decisions make the mustache decision look brilliant.]
What does this have to do with microwaves, you ask? My point is that just because a lot of people press "1, 3, 0, start," that doesn’t make it the best way to start a microwave. If you’re going to press "1, 3, 0, start," you might as well be sentencing yourself to watching National Treasure 2 on loop for the rest of eternity. You realize that microwaves operate in seconds, right? Instead of "1, 3, 0, start," you can just press "9, 0, start" and get the exact same result. You’re saving seconds! You know what’s even better than that? Pressing "9, 9, start" and avoiding the clumsy process of moving your finger from the 9 to the 0. Who has time for that crap? The point of the microwave is to save time. If you’re going to go to the hassle of pressing extra keys and moving your hand around unnecessarily, you might as well preheat the oven and reheat your burrito the old fashioned way. In fact, if you have so much free time that you can waste it pressing extra microwave keys, you might as well get two sticks, rub them together, and cook your Lean Cuisine over an open flame.
The issues with microwave use do not end at startup. The questions at the end of the microwave cycle are equally dire. Everyone who has ever used a microwave has waited through those final, inconvenient seconds. If you have used a public microwave with people waiting to take their turns who are secretly annoyed that your dish is not already warm, then the waiting is even worse. The thing I don’t understand is why people wait for the final buzzer to sound. You are not waiting for the New Year’s ball to drop on Times Square or the door to open at Wal-Mart on black Friday- the door will open and the food will come out without warping you into a black hole even if you open the door three seconds early. Waiting for the buzzer is inane. Humans do not have to be so Pavlovian as to wait for the sound to eat, especially when the sound is grating and abrasive. Maybe if the microwave manufacturers had the machine play a few bars of Zeppelin at the end, there would be some reason to wait for it. If I ever made a microwave, God knows it would play the riff from Kashmir, and I'd be like "Hell yeah! Burrito time!"
What is the thought process that leads to not opening the microwave for those last few seconds while you wait with your hand on the door handle? Is it that the wrapper on your burrito said that it takes three minutes to heat up? I have news for you- the last three seconds are not going to make the difference between a perfectly warm burrito and an uncooked one. If it isn’t done, it’s going to take more than three seconds to finish it, so you might as well just open the door and check before you reset the timer for another thirty seconds (or 33 seconds, if you’ve been paying attention). In all likelihood, the burrito is going to be stale and burned on the outside but frozen on the inside no matter how closely you follow the instructions, so you might as well not burn any calories worrying or waste extra time on it.
Now you’re thinking to yourself, “yeah, microwaved food sucks!” And it does, but the point is to make it edible faster, and it accomplishes that goal. If you want good food, it’s going to take time. Whining about your microwave dinner is like telling Ernest Hemingway to write a book in 3 weeks then complaining that it isn’t a literary masterpiece. It’s like telling Pam Anderson that she has 5 minutes to do her hair and makeup before doing a TV appearance. Rushing things makes them worse. Microwaves are a way to rush things. So get it over with and stop complaining.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Gabrielle Giffords Set to Make Return in Zombie Flash Mob
By Martin West
TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.
“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”
Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will pr
obably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’
TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.
“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”
Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will pr
obably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’ [RIGHT- Zombie Giffords joins a proud tradition of Zombie politicians from the Grand Canyon State.]
The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.
The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.
As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”
When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.
Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.
The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.
The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.
As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”
When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.
Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
WikiLeaks Appears to be Making Shit Up
SYDNEY- It looks as if WikiLeaks has gone the way of Wikipedia. The online news organization that has come to prominence over the last two years by exposing worldwide government secrets has allegedly run out of leaked government documents and has started to make up its own news.
The organization's founder, eccentric Australian Julian Assange, cited the mounting pressure to maintain the high level of salaciousness as WikiLeaks’s motivation for generating its own state secrets. “I heard recently that I was leading the polling for the 2010 Time Person of the Year going into November, so I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people who loved reading about the seedy underbelly of various world powers,” Assange told reporters at a press conference Monday. “The simple truth is that there are only so many secrets out there. Personally, I thought there were a lot more conspiracies to uncover, but it turns out that governments aren’t smart enough to engineer very many conspiracies.”
[BELOW- Maybe the reason nobody likes Julian Assange is that he looks like Beck, Powder, and Liam Neeson look like they had a mangled, threesome, ass fetus.]
WikiLeaks first got the world’s attention in 2009 when it revealed a chain of emails between climate researchers that cast doubt on the data used by many advocates to reform energy policy. The site heightened its profile in 2010 by releasing Iraq and Afghanistan War Logs from troops on the ground, and more recently by releasing proof that the U.S. State Department used espionage at the United Nations to learn about diplomats working for other countries. WikiLeaks decided it needed to sensationalize its stories to close out 2010 strong because the revelation that an African dictator has his own harem or that Bolivia’s economy is being propped up by the drug industry are not shocking or sexy enough to get anyone’s interest.
Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.
Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.
Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.
One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.
Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.
If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.
Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.
Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.
Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.
One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.
Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.
If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Privacy: So Hot Right Now
After a decade of dormancy, privacy is back with a vengeance. Thanks to airport body scanners and Americans’ rampant homophobia and negative body images, people value civil liberties once again. Ten years ago, anyone who suggested that privacy was an important concern that should be weighed against security was pilloried and run up the flagpole for being un-American, possibly even French. Now, people who voted for Orwellian Republicans a week ago who think that 1984 is a good starting point for security policy are trumpeting the importance of freedom from intrusion into one’s personal space.
First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?
And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.
Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.
Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like
. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor!
First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?
And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.
Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.
Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like
. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor! [RIGHT- The FAA is now able to correctly segregate the fats from the people who are bundled up. Wait, is that a toy gun? Cool!]
The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.
Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:
First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.
If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.
The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.
Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:
First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.
If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
An Open Letter to Zach Galifianakis
Dear Zach,
Your career has really taken off in the last couple of years. It seemed like you were always the comedian that the hipster comedy guy told everyone else they should be into, but who nobody really knew much about. Sure, you had a couple of Comedy Central specials and you would do spots on the radio every now and then, but I think we can agree that you had not reached the heights that you thought you could reach if you got the right breaks. Now that everything has gone right for you, there’s only one way for your career and your legacy to go: down. That’s why I think it is high time for you to kill yourself.
I understand that it sounds harsh to suggest that you should commit suicide at the absolute zenith of your career. But you know what they say- you have to strike when the iron is hot. What good is it going to do to die when you reach the bloated, uncreative point in your career? No, now is the time to develop a drug problem, start being seen in public with hookers, and choke to death on your own vomit in a New York hotel room before your next movie reaches DVD.
There are only a few ways for a comedian’s career to develop, and it’s just not going to get any better for you. The first career path is the McDonald’s comedian- the type of comedian who isn’t actually funny, but is so omnipresent and inoffensive that he falls ass backwards into a successful career. Think of a guy like Jeff Foxworthy. He doesn’t have a talented or creative bone in his body, but he got his own network sitcom, tours the country to sold out theaters, and has so much money that he probably shits on a gold-plated toilet. Dane Cook is another example of a McDonald’s comedian. He tells simple jokes that would be funny to a toddler and require no thought by the listener. He has a specific audience of teenagers and college-aged dimwits. None of his own material is remotely funny, but he’s absurdly rich. The trick is to being a McDonald’s comedian is that you have to be so simple and gimmicky that you can be described in a few words. It goes beyond comedians; there are McDonald’s TV shows, music, and movies, too. Think about it, McDonald’s- “fast food hamburgers.” Jeff Foxworthy- “redneck.” Two and a Half Men- “Womanizer, nerd, and kid.” Katy Perry- “Whore.” Avatar- “bright colors and aliens.” Dane Cook- “retarded.” You, Zach, are already too talented and funny to be a McDonald’s comedian, so don’t worry about falling into that category.
No, Zach, you have two options. One is to continue on the path you are already on until you make a few shitty movies and your fans think that you sold out. It won’t even be your fault when you sell out and make shitty movies, so even though you think you’ll be able to avoid it, you will not. Remember how funny Eddie Murphy was when he was on SNL in the ‘80s? He was cutting edge and making classic movies like 48 HRS and Beverly Hills Cop. The highlight of the last decade for Eddie was playing the voice of a donkey in a cartoon fairytale- the best thing. The lowlights include copious fart jokes spanning several hacky remakes of Jerry Lewis crap. And it’s not just Eddie. Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, and Denis Leary have all gone from breaking ground to broken down. They don’t choose to stop being funny. Part of the problem is that they have kids and they spend their days entertaining their kids instead of entertaining their friends. Kids think slime, farts, and weird faces are funny, so they start making movies based on slime, farts, and weird faces. They also have so much money in the bank that their bad ideas still get made, and there is no problem when they do. When you’re 20 and have no money, telling bad jokes means you don’t get to eat. When you’re 40 and rich, telling bad jokes means that you’re still fucking rich.
Is that the road you want to go down, Zach? I can already see how it will play out. You made The Hangover and it was wildly funny. It will always be remembered as wildly funny. Remember, people still love Beverly Hills Cop, The Jerk, and Wayne’s World regardless of how far the stars have fallen. Your new movie, Due Date, will probably also do well, but it will be a little bit redundant and derivative and your hardcore fans will start to turn on you. When Hangover 2 comes out and you’re getting points on the back end, people will start to point out that you haven’t come up with anything new in a few years, and you will start to get pissed off at them and blame them for being overcritical rather than actually developing new material. By that time, you will probably be married to a secretary from your agent’s firm with fake tits and she will be crapping out your first couple of kids. From there, you will have starring roles in a c
ouple of flops before doing the voice of the Mexican monkey in Shrek 9: Shrek Gets Blown By Dora the Explorer.
Your career has really taken off in the last couple of years. It seemed like you were always the comedian that the hipster comedy guy told everyone else they should be into, but who nobody really knew much about. Sure, you had a couple of Comedy Central specials and you would do spots on the radio every now and then, but I think we can agree that you had not reached the heights that you thought you could reach if you got the right breaks. Now that everything has gone right for you, there’s only one way for your career and your legacy to go: down. That’s why I think it is high time for you to kill yourself.
I understand that it sounds harsh to suggest that you should commit suicide at the absolute zenith of your career. But you know what they say- you have to strike when the iron is hot. What good is it going to do to die when you reach the bloated, uncreative point in your career? No, now is the time to develop a drug problem, start being seen in public with hookers, and choke to death on your own vomit in a New York hotel room before your next movie reaches DVD.
There are only a few ways for a comedian’s career to develop, and it’s just not going to get any better for you. The first career path is the McDonald’s comedian- the type of comedian who isn’t actually funny, but is so omnipresent and inoffensive that he falls ass backwards into a successful career. Think of a guy like Jeff Foxworthy. He doesn’t have a talented or creative bone in his body, but he got his own network sitcom, tours the country to sold out theaters, and has so much money that he probably shits on a gold-plated toilet. Dane Cook is another example of a McDonald’s comedian. He tells simple jokes that would be funny to a toddler and require no thought by the listener. He has a specific audience of teenagers and college-aged dimwits. None of his own material is remotely funny, but he’s absurdly rich. The trick is to being a McDonald’s comedian is that you have to be so simple and gimmicky that you can be described in a few words. It goes beyond comedians; there are McDonald’s TV shows, music, and movies, too. Think about it, McDonald’s- “fast food hamburgers.” Jeff Foxworthy- “redneck.” Two and a Half Men- “Womanizer, nerd, and kid.” Katy Perry- “Whore.” Avatar- “bright colors and aliens.” Dane Cook- “retarded.” You, Zach, are already too talented and funny to be a McDonald’s comedian, so don’t worry about falling into that category.
No, Zach, you have two options. One is to continue on the path you are already on until you make a few shitty movies and your fans think that you sold out. It won’t even be your fault when you sell out and make shitty movies, so even though you think you’ll be able to avoid it, you will not. Remember how funny Eddie Murphy was when he was on SNL in the ‘80s? He was cutting edge and making classic movies like 48 HRS and Beverly Hills Cop. The highlight of the last decade for Eddie was playing the voice of a donkey in a cartoon fairytale- the best thing. The lowlights include copious fart jokes spanning several hacky remakes of Jerry Lewis crap. And it’s not just Eddie. Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, and Denis Leary have all gone from breaking ground to broken down. They don’t choose to stop being funny. Part of the problem is that they have kids and they spend their days entertaining their kids instead of entertaining their friends. Kids think slime, farts, and weird faces are funny, so they start making movies based on slime, farts, and weird faces. They also have so much money in the bank that their bad ideas still get made, and there is no problem when they do. When you’re 20 and have no money, telling bad jokes means you don’t get to eat. When you’re 40 and rich, telling bad jokes means that you’re still fucking rich.
Is that the road you want to go down, Zach? I can already see how it will play out. You made The Hangover and it was wildly funny. It will always be remembered as wildly funny. Remember, people still love Beverly Hills Cop, The Jerk, and Wayne’s World regardless of how far the stars have fallen. Your new movie, Due Date, will probably also do well, but it will be a little bit redundant and derivative and your hardcore fans will start to turn on you. When Hangover 2 comes out and you’re getting points on the back end, people will start to point out that you haven’t come up with anything new in a few years, and you will start to get pissed off at them and blame them for being overcritical rather than actually developing new material. By that time, you will probably be married to a secretary from your agent’s firm with fake tits and she will be crapping out your first couple of kids. From there, you will have starring roles in a c
ouple of flops before doing the voice of the Mexican monkey in Shrek 9: Shrek Gets Blown By Dora the Explorer.[RIGHT- Even though these guys were no angels, we love them more in death than we did in life.]
Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.
On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.
Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.
I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.
Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.
With Love,
Your Fans
Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.
On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.
Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.
I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.
Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.
With Love,
Your Fans
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