WikiLeaks Appears to be Making Shit Up

By Clarke Pierceson

SYDNEY- It looks as if WikiLeaks has gone the way of Wikipedia. The online news organization that has come to prominence over the last two years by exposing worldwide government secrets has allegedly run out of leaked government documents and has started to make up its own news.

The organization's founder, eccentric Australian Julian Assange, cited the mounting pressure to maintain the high level of salaciousness as WikiLeaks’s motivation for generating its own state secrets. “I heard recently that I was leading the polling for the 2010 Time Person of the Year going into November, so I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people who loved reading about the seedy underbelly of various world powers,” Assange told reporters at a press conference Monday. “The simple truth is that there are only so many secrets out there. Personally, I thought there were a lot more conspiracies to uncover, but it turns out that governments aren’t smart enough to engineer very many conspiracies.”

[BELOW- Maybe the reason nobody likes Julian Assange is that he looks like Beck, Powder, and Liam Neeson look like they had a mangled, threesome, ass fetus.]

WikiLeaks first got the world’s attention in 2009 when it revealed a chain of emails between climate researchers that cast doubt on the data used by many advocates to reform energy policy. The site heightened its profile in 2010 by releasing Iraq and Afghanistan War Logs from troops on the ground, and more recently by releasing proof that the U.S. State Department used espionage at the United Nations to learn about diplomats working for other countries. WikiLeaks decided it needed to sensationalize its stories to close out 2010 strong because the revelation that an African dictator has his own harem or that Bolivia’s economy is being propped up by the drug industry are not shocking or sexy enough to get anyone’s interest.

Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.

Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.

Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.

One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.

Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.

If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.

Privacy: So Hot Right Now

After a decade of dormancy, privacy is back with a vengeance. Thanks to airport body scanners and Americans’ rampant homophobia and negative body images, people value civil liberties once again. Ten years ago, anyone who suggested that privacy was an important concern that should be weighed against security was pilloried and run up the flagpole for being un-American, possibly even French. Now, people who voted for Orwellian Republicans a week ago who think that 1984 is a good starting point for security policy are trumpeting the importance of freedom from intrusion into one’s personal space.

First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?

And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.

Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.

Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor!

[RIGHT- The FAA is now able to correctly segregate the fats from the people who are bundled up. Wait, is that a toy gun? Cool!]

The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:

First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.

If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.

An Open Letter to Zach Galifianakis

Dear Zach,

Your career has really taken off in the last couple of years. It seemed like you were always the comedian that the hipster comedy guy told everyone else they should be into, but who nobody really knew much about. Sure, you had a couple of Comedy Central specials and you would do spots on the radio every now and then, but I think we can agree that you had not reached the heights that you thought you could reach if you got the right breaks. Now that everything has gone right for you, there’s only one way for your career and your legacy to go: down. That’s why I think it is high time for you to kill yourself.

I understand that it sounds harsh to suggest that you should commit suicide at the absolute zenith of your career. But you know what they say- you have to strike when the iron is hot. What good is it going to do to die when you reach the bloated, uncreative point in your career? No, now is the time to develop a drug problem, start being seen in public with hookers, and choke to death on your own vomit in a New York hotel room before your next movie reaches DVD.

There are only a few ways for a comedian’s career to develop, and it’s just not going to get any better for you. The first career path is the McDonald’s comedian- the type of comedian who isn’t actually funny, but is so omnipresent and inoffensive that he falls ass backwards into a successful career. Think of a guy like Jeff Foxworthy. He doesn’t have a talented or creative bone in his body, but he got his own network sitcom, tours the country to sold out theaters, and has so much money that he probably shits on a gold-plated toilet. Dane Cook is another example of a McDonald’s comedian. He tells simple jokes that would be funny to a toddler and require no thought by the listener. He has a specific audience of teenagers and college-aged dimwits. None of his own material is remotely funny, but he’s absurdly rich. The trick is to being a McDonald’s comedian is that you have to be so simple and gimmicky that you can be described in a few words. It goes beyond comedians; there are McDonald’s TV shows, music, and movies, too. Think about it, McDonald’s- “fast food hamburgers.” Jeff Foxworthy- “redneck.” Two and a Half Men- “Womanizer, nerd, and kid.” Katy Perry- “Whore.” Avatar- “bright colors and aliens.” Dane Cook- “retarded.” You, Zach, are already too talented and funny to be a McDonald’s comedian, so don’t worry about falling into that category.

No, Zach, you have two options. One is to continue on the path you are already on until you make a few shitty movies and your fans think that you sold out. It won’t even be your fault when you sell out and make shitty movies, so even though you think you’ll be able to avoid it, you will not. Remember how funny Eddie Murphy was when he was on SNL in the ‘80s? He was cutting edge and making classic movies like 48 HRS and Beverly Hills Cop. The highlight of the last decade for Eddie was playing the voice of a donkey in a cartoon fairytale- the best thing. The lowlights include copious fart jokes spanning several hacky remakes of Jerry Lewis crap. And it’s not just Eddie. Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, and Denis Leary have all gone from breaking ground to broken down. They don’t choose to stop being funny. Part of the problem is that they have kids and they spend their days entertaining their kids instead of entertaining their friends. Kids think slime, farts, and weird faces are funny, so they start making movies based on slime, farts, and weird faces. They also have so much money in the bank that their bad ideas still get made, and there is no problem when they do. When you’re 20 and have no money, telling bad jokes means you don’t get to eat. When you’re 40 and rich, telling bad jokes means that you’re still fucking rich.
Is that the road you want to go down, Zach? I can already see how it will play out. You made The Hangover and it was wildly funny. It will always be remembered as wildly funny. Remember, people still love Beverly Hills Cop, The Jerk, and Wayne’s World regardless of how far the stars have fallen. Your new movie, Due Date, will probably also do well, but it will be a little bit redundant and derivative and your hardcore fans will start to turn on you. When Hangover 2 comes out and you’re getting points on the back end, people will start to point out that you haven’t come up with anything new in a few years, and you will start to get pissed off at them and blame them for being overcritical rather than actually developing new material. By that time, you will probably be married to a secretary from your agent’s firm with fake tits and she will be crapping out your first couple of kids. From there, you will have starring roles in a couple of flops before doing the voice of the Mexican monkey in Shrek 9: Shrek Gets Blown By Dora the Explorer.

[RIGHT- Even though these guys were no angels, we love them more in death than we did in life.]

Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.

On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.

Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.

I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.

Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.

With Love,

Your Fans

Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.

Confucius Say “Take Saints Plus 4.5”

By Sylvester Granato

LAS VEGAS- Confucius, renowned Chinese intellectual master of personal morality, recently shifted gears from religious leadership to a field that may be more lucrative: sports betting. The philosopher, who did his most influential work in the 5th and 6th century BC, has used the lessons he learned from a lifetime of viewing human behavior to beat the Vegas insiders on college and professional football picks this season. Early returns show that Confucius’ great wisdom has translated to the gambling world with a 10-3-1 record against the spread in week 5 NFL picks and a season record of 12-3 in his Master Locks of the Week available on his tips hotline, 1-900-BETCONF.

[RIGHT- Confucius became interested in sports when he played small forward on the Chinese national team during the 590 BC Olympics.]

“Confucius say, ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius explained at a recent interview at his palatial Nevada estate paid for entirely in handicapping profits. “At start of year, nobody see beauty in Chiefs, but Confucius see improving defense, dynamic young offensive playmaker, and coaching staff that know how to win. Confucius rake in the cash picking Chiefs every week.”

Confucius says that it is important for bettors not to fixate too much on recent results. Instead, he advises his clients to be patient and wait out a team’s true talent. He points out that “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” and cautions players from abandoning a team that has talent but struggled out of the gate. In time, Confucius says, true talent will win out over the vagaries of individual games.

In addition to patience, Confucius insists that careful study and hard work outweighs luck in the long run. “Confucius say, I am not one who is born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.” Therefore, he says that one important factor going into each season is to understand how teams have performed against each other in past matchups, how well teams do against the spread at home or on the road, and results in games that are nationally televised or played at night instead of the day time. Confucius claims that there is no magic formula that gives him his picks, but that he tries to gain as much knowledge as possible before making any decisions and taking everything available into account. “Study the past if you would define the future,” Confucius says.

There is also a mechanical element to Confucius’ success: he does not sit idly by as betting lines move throughout the week. “Confucius say, ‘Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart,’ so it important to be confident in picks, but don’t be stupid. If line moves two-three points, buy back the public money and hedge against your first unit. Offshore bookmakers come out with odds earlier than most of the casinos, so there can be value in buying a team at that number before you see how the syndicates push the number once there is enough money in the till to uncap the limits later in the week, even if that mean Confucius have to shop for lines downtown up until start of games.”

So who does Confucius like in the upcoming games? He gave a free preview of some of his tips as part of the interview and his explanations gave a window into how the master of wisdom breaks down his picks every week.

“Confucius say, ‘an insinuating appearance is not often associated with true virtue.’ Texas might look like good pick +10 going into Nebraska because they have had good results in past, but Nebraska a good pick even though it not win pretty. Texas have trouble against UCLA spread offense, they face much more difficult challenge when they play athletic specimen like Taylor Martinez. Confucius like Nebraska by three touchdowns.”

“In NFL, Confucius say, ‘the superior man, when faced with security, does not forget the possibility of ruin.’ Confucius see the Jets as nine win team. They have everything go right on offense so far. Matt Sanchez throw only one interception after being turnover machine last year. Things not stay so good fo Jets all year. Jets defense very good, but they not blow out teams like they do the last few weeks. Confucius say that the Broncos are good home team, so you take the points and hope the score stay low.”

For more Confucius picks, call his tip hotline at 1-900-BETCONF. To read more about his betting and handicapping strategies, visit his offshore betting site, www.ConfuciusLocks.net.

ABC to Launch New TV Spinoff “Dancing With the Jews”

By Laura DeCamille

HOLLYWOOD- ABC programming executives announced this week that they would double down on the success of their hit television show Dancing With the Stars with a new spinoff series called Dancing With the Jews. Rather than the washed-up C-listers on the comeback trail that populate the parent show’s cast, DWTJ will feature their bosses: entertainment executives, high-powered bankers and lawyers, and the occasional doctor.

Diehard fans of the show, while excited about the prospect of more ballroom glitz and glam, were understandably skeptical of the new format. “I know that DWTS is not just about dancing,” said longtime fan Susan McDermott of Cedar Falls, Iowa, “but it seems like they should be able to dance at least a little bit. I saw Buzz Aldrin stumble around on his fake knees in season six, but I’d say he was quite a bit better than the upright seizures that most of the Jew-dancers on the show’s debut.”

ABC executives were more optimistic about the success of the show. Paul Lee, Chairman of the ABC Entertainment Group said that the show, “captures the drama and the heartache that made DWTS such a big hit. Plus, we’ll still have the two gay English guys telling the dancers to smile more and ranting about body lines or some stupid shit like that. We think it will have most of the important elements of the original show.”

[RIGHT- An advance clip of the new cast's advanced training techniques.]

Lee went on to say that DWTJ would have some added benefits over the original show. “On DWTS, there were always one or two competitors on the cast who were basically professional dancers before the came on the show. Kristie Yamaguchi was a figure skater, Nicole Scherzinger was a member of the Pussycat Dolls, Shawn Johnson was a gymnast- all of them had an unfair advantage going up against comedians who think that footwork consists of not tripping over a mic cord. At least on DWTJ, there will be some real drama, because nobody will be able to dance at all. It’s more of a fair playing field when everyone on the cast has the body rhythm of Sigmund Freud. And I mean Freud now, not when he was alive.”

Another side effect of the added programming for ABC is that it will help keep the brand viable without stretching DWTS too thin. Currently, DWTS airs for two hours, three nights each week. That programming includes two hours of new competition on Monday, a two-hour results show on Tuesday, and a two-hour reaction to the results show on Wednesday that does not include any actual dancing. More DWTS franchises would help alleviate the strain on ABC programming created by its post-writer strike lineup of shows that included Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, and Samantha Who as its flagship shows. ABC also knows how to exploit a popular franchise to its benefit: recall that this network was able to stretch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire into a 10-night-a-week show during the height of Regis Philbin’s popularity.

ABC, of course, is owned by the Disney Corporation, a fact that influences the tone and tenor of much of the network’s programming. Some entertainment experts have wondered what the parent company would think of ABC cozying up to the Friends of Abraham. Disney famously ousted former CEO Michael Eisner several years ago for a combination of hurting the business and being Jewish. Founder Walt Disney was himself a dyed-in-the-wool anti-Semite who included anti-Semitic messages in several of his films (such as a cloud of dust that formed a swastika in Cinderella) and collaborated with Leni Riefenstahl on several of her early Nazi propaganda films. Company figurehead Mickey Mouse also had a famous meltdown on the set of Fantasia where he hurled an expletive-laden tantrum at a lighting operator who he called a “Jew bitch.” Company executives say that DWTJ is in line with the parent company’s principles because it is designed to humiliate Jews and profit from their failure, which were two of the company’s founding maxims.

[LEFT- A wartime photograph shows Mickey's true allegiance to Hitler.]

The new show will occupy the 9:30 to 10:30 timeslot, filling the timeslot vacated by the immediately canceled Jimmy Smits project “Outlaw,” where he played a conservative Supreme Court Justice who had a coming-to-God moment and left the bench to represent the poor and underrepresented members of society. If that’s the standard that ABC expects DWTJ to meet, then maybe the show will not be such a failure. It will also bump the first half-hour of Jimmy Kimmel Live, which comes as terrible news to the 8 employees of the show and both of its fans.

Nation Turns on Bush Five Years Too Late

By Roland Arbuckle

WASHINGTON- Over half of a decade after inflicting the worst of his damage on the United States and more than two years after fading from the public eye, America’s institutions have finally taken formal action to punish Bush. Stuck with dire economic conditions, two costly yet unnecessary wars, and a poisoned political climate, officials have finally struck against the corrupted greed of former President George W… Excuse me, I’m being corrected. Apparently Americans have not taken action against George W. Bush, they have turned on former USC running back Reggie Bush.

Apparently, the country has decided that it is more important for Reggie Bush to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won during his final season at USC rather than holding politicians accountable for the disastrous effects of their tainted legacies. There are parallels between the Bushes, to be sure. Both of them reached the pinnacle of individual success in the early to mid-aughts as George led America head first into an amorphous War on Terror while Reggie Bush helped lead the Trojans to the 2004 NCAA championship, then won the Heisman trophy the next year while bringing his team back to the championship game.

[RIGHT- Reggie Bush receives a possibly improper head pat from a corrupt USC assistant.]

In the end, each man fell prey to arrogance, greed, and an inability of those around him to say no. George pushed too far into Iraq at the urging of oil companies and private contractors who wanted a piece of rebuilding the country. Had he maintained his commitment to spreading democracy and planning a true nation-building excursion, he may have had enough discretion to put the Iraq war off, or avoid it altogether. Back home, his deference to his friends in the corporate sector resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as Enron, Nationwide, and Arthur Anderson. Because he refused to fix the problems that his deregulation created, irresponsible credit default swaps continued unabated until they submarined the economy through bursting the housing bubble.

Reggie, on the other hand, pushed too far into the celebrity realm at the urging of agents and marketing firms who wanted a piece of building his public image. Had he maintained his commitment to supporting his family and training as a football superstar, he may have had enough discretion to turn down some of the gifts he received, or even dedicate himself to the game. At USC, his deference to people who did not have his best interests at heart resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as the marketers who bought him his Chevy Caprice and the boosters who bought his family a new house. Because he refused to repay the agents the money that they spent on him while he was an amateur, the irresponsible behavior continued unabated until they submarined the USC program by taking away a national championship and suspending several scholarships.

Why the NCAA or the Downtown Athletic Club- which awards the Heisman Trophy to the nation’s top college football player every year- would care about Reggie Bush getting free rims on his crappy sedan five years ago is a mystery. The NCAA is determined to ensure that its amateur athletes are actually amateurs, except for the part where the universities spend the entire offseason scattering their allegiances into different bowl affiliations, conference alignments, and television contracts to squeeze every last dollar out of the athletes who get a free education that they won’t use anyway once they turn pro. How Reggie Bush or the university derived any on-field advantage from an independent marketing firm putting his family in a house after he was already enrolled at USC is a complete mystery. But if the NCAA ever admitted that their authoritarian mentality toward its athletes had gone too far, they would risk losing ultimate control and might have to cede some of their enormous profits to the people who generate those profits. The institution’s greed is so great that it would even appall George W. Bush.

Reggie Bush’s fault lies in his inability to diffuse the situation once the benefits he received came to light. He allegedly received a car and a house for his family in exchange for a promise to sign with the marketing firm after leaving college. When he did not sign with the firm, they sought to recoup approximately $40,000 of the money that they spent on him when he was at USC. Instead of paying that sum, which amounts to 0.2% of the guaranteed money of his NFL contract- not to mention his endorsement deals with Pepsi, General Motors, Adidas, and Subway- he denied any knowledge of the situation. When making his denial, Reggie did not consider that the documents for the house clearly stated that the marketing firm helped make the down payment, and he somehow thought the phone conversation where his father identified himself and described the benefits he received would not hold up as part of the case against him. He did everything short of telling his father that he was doing a heckuva job, Bushy. Reggie’s crisis management skills were so abysmal that they would appall even George W. Bush.

The Reggie Bush story as a whole represents America’s obsession with irrelevant news. Whether the country has a short attention span that cannot process anything more than a sound bite or a cat fight, or if everyone is exhausted from the steady stream of bad news that has polluted the front pages for the last half-decade, it is clear that no one wants to address or even contemplate any meaningful issues. As a result, it is likely that the follow up to this story will have nothing to do with the NCAA’s misplaced tyranny and everything to do with Reggie’s emotional reaction. In fact, let me start the speculation right now.

[LEFT- Hey, Reggie, maybe if you did real exercises you could average more than 3 yards a carry.]

Where is Reggie’s on-again off-again lover Kim Kardashian now, when he needs her most? She’s rubbing salt in Reggie’s wounds by sleeping in the bed of another NFL star from a rival team, Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Miles Austin. When asked why Kim left Reggie for Miles, Kim’s sister Khloe pointed out that Austin has unique assets that few others possess. “Miles can squat and leg press more weight than any other receiver in the NFL, and that helps him get in and out of cuts really quickly,” Khloe told Radar Online. “More importantly, it means he has a huge ass, and Kim really wanted to see what it was like to date someone with an ass bigger than hers. Unfortunately, that narrowed the field down to Miles, Precious, and me. Precious is busy acting and I’m not into incest.”