Apple Faulted for Utilizing Incredible, Futuristic Map Technology

By Denise Montalban

PALO ALTO- Apple released its highly anticipated iPhone 5 this week to generally positive reviews. One feature that has not been well received by the nerderatti has been Apple’s new map software. In fact, the transition from Google Maps to Apple’s proprietary map software has been met with a chorus of full-on nerd rage.

The software, which allows users to carry highly detailed maps of every part of the world in a device that fits comfortably in one’s pocket and also functions as a stereo, telephone, and computer, is seen as a major inconvenience that will prevent users from achieving basic functionality. The technology is seen as inferior to its predecessor Google Maps because of something to do with GPS that no one actually understands, but about which many feel very passionate.

People are angry that their phone can do this.

Even though something as archaic as Map Quest was seen as revolutionary during the lifetimes of most iPhone users, this devolution of software has proven to be a major sticking point with many of Apple’s loyal users.

“I feel hurt and personally betrayed by Apple’s new map software,” said longtime Apple brand allegiant Kip Wolstonecraft, an ice cream scooper from Reno, Nevada. “I waited in line for days to get the new iPhone, and once I finally had it, I found out that someone on the internet said that there is better map software than what came preloaded on my phone. You can see how that would seem like an attack on me, right?”

When asked what he would do about the perceived deficiencies in the new device, Wolstonecraft responded, “I’m not going to do anything crazy like start a riot or buy a Samsung phone, but I’m definitely going to go on one of my Apple message boards and give it 2.5 stars out of 4 instead of 3.”

Perhaps the most perplexing part of the new iPhone release is the fact that Apple, a money-making company, took measures to increase revenue while decreasing expenditures on licensing Google’s technology. Economist have stated that Apple made the decision in hopes of generating additional “profits,” which they explained are made up of money that is left over when expenses are subtracted from revenue. These “profits,” according to the economists, are a key part of Apple’s business model and will help them to produce future products, like the iPhone 6, the iPhone 7, and possibly the iPhone 8, which promises to be the best iPhone ever.

Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.

Tech Review- iPhone Update great for stalkers, sex criminals

By Tricia Mallendum

PORTLAND- With great power comes great responsibility. No corporation has become more aware of this life’s lesson over the last two-and-a-half years than Apple, who has dominated the smart phone landscape since the release of the iPhone. Perhaps that experience has helped them to learn the truth of another maxim: heavy is the head that wears the crown. With unprecedented expectations surrounding every new update, Apple has had to stay a step ahead of the competition by continually innovating and putting more power in the palms of users’ hands than any other device. With the new software update 3.1.2, Apple has proven once more that their dominance of all things communication is warranted, and then some.

Apple has drawn the ire from sex criminals, especially child molesters, since the release of the original iPhone for not allowing picture messaging. Until now, the software required users to send pictures through e-mail, a cumbersome task that many sex criminals felt left too much of an evidentiary trail and not a quick enough reward. But no more. After monitoring SMS traffic on their network, Apple determined that they could make the software update to picture messages, an innovation sure to mark the dawning of a new era for all types of child porn.

Brittany Sloan, a 15-year-old currently dating a 24 year-old love of her life, expressed her excitement at her new ability to sext. “I just know my boyfriend will be so excited that I can send him pictures of me with my shirt off!” Sloan gushed. “I thought he would tell me he loved me when I agreed to let him have sex with me without a condom, but I know that this new iPhone app will do it!”

Rob Harris, Sloan’s aforementioned boyfriend, had slightly different reasons for his happiness about the ability to send and receive picture messages. “Do I want her to send me naked pictures? Yeah, I guess,” Harris said. “I could show it to my buddies, cuz they totally don’t believe I’ve been boning a 15-year-old, but they’d probably just make fun of her, call her pimple tits or something. I don’t know, I guess I’d like to have them just in case I ever need her to do anything for me.”

When told about Harris’ comments, Sloan began weeping uncontrollably, and continued for 11 days.

[LEFT- The iPhone has come a long way since its beta version.]

Other iPhone update enthusiasts include child pornographers and those involved in long-distance relationships. Child pornographers see iPhone picture messages as a way to take their hobby out of chat rooms and dungeon-like basements and put it into the mainstream. At the same time, long-distance couples appreciate the innovation for contradictory reasons, pointing out that the update may allay the shame and guilt associated with masturbating to internet porn at least three times per day. Furthermore, the writers of Law and Order: SVU are especially excited to have at least three new episodes in the bag for next season, when the continue to glorify sex crimes for personal profit.

In a related update, the newest version of the Twitter app for the iPhone gives a text notification for updates of selected users. This feature is especially compelling to obsessed young men who incessantly monitor the behavior and movements of ex-girlfriends and other women with whom they will never have sex. With up-to-the-minute location and action updates, they can experience a new sense of immediacy in their physically crippling panic attacks that ensue from finding out that the object of their fascination has a date tonight, or met someone new at a concert.

Another interesting feature in the update is facial scan technology, such as that used in Mission: Impossible. Although the technology was meant as an additional form of security for the hyper-paranoid, it too has been co-opted by sexual predators. Combined with the GPS location capabilities in the existing Loopt locating app, the new Hookt Up app can rate women’s appearance based on body measurements, facial symmetry, and skin quality, and identify where they are gathered. The innovation promises to allow sketchy men to hunt down attractive females with ruthless and terrifying efficiency. Luckily, the app also includes a male rating system as part of its “out of your league” feature, used to prevent hopeless situations from becoming embarrassing for everyone involved.

When asked if the focus on sex comports with Apple’s intentions when developing the iPhone, Apple VP of Marketing Phil Schiller described the evolution of the device as a “happy accident.” Schiller pointed out that all forms of technology have paralleled a Darwinian survival instinct in some way, such that the eventually all come back to sex. “Think about every important innovation in human history, they all had to do with sex,” Schiller said. “The computer became an elaborate delivery mechanism for porn, the printing press evolved into Penthouse, Hustler, and personal ads. Few people know this, but even fire was invented by a cave man who wanted to be able to see his mate’s boobs bouncing while they had sex because it seemed very feral.”

The other features of Apple’s update also adhere to the trend of increasing immediate access to sexual desires. Improved video editing capabilities increase the resolution and lighting of home-made sex tapes, and the refined Exchange support makes it easier to cancel business appointments while waiting outside an open window while trying to catch a glimpse of the girl who lives next door changing clothes. On the other hand, Apple also improved application management, which has no apparent connection to anything sexual.