Dear North, We’re Ready to Talk Again

From: The South

Dear North,

One Hundred and Fifty years ago, you lashed out at our region and aggressively suppressed our sovereign decision to secede from your union. You took the thing we held dearest of all- racism- and told us we had to find more clever ways to do it than owning black people as slaves. It was an unjustifiable act, and one we certainly did not forgive nor forget.

For the century and a half since you used your military to take our slaves away, we have been plotting our revenge on you. We tried finding other ways to enslave black people- like sharecropping and segregation-, but many of them eventually just left for your northern cities. We even tried getting Southerners elected President so we could exact our vengeance through politics, but the ones who got through to the office, like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, were too weak willed to do what needed to be done.

Over time, we infiltrated your society to learn about what makes you tick. We took part in your “education” system and found out how to be more strategic in our attacks. One of the things we learned was that you have to hit your adversary where it hurts him the most, and we saw when we were at these “colleges” that there is nothing you yanks love more than going to college and identifying with the place that educated you. That’s when we formulated our most devious plan yet.

For the last 30 years, we have been developing a complex, long-term attack to turn your greatest source of pride into a subject of shame and embarrassment. That’s right, we have turned your colleges into a joke by dominating them year after year in college football, and there is nothing you can do about it.

In 1991, we expanded the Southeastern Conference and set out to make it a symbol of southern power. Some of the more perceptive northerners have come to realize that fans of rival SEC schools cheer on their adversaries when the play teams from outside the South. Of course we do! SEC pride is the last acceptable euphemism for our virulent racism now that everyone knows that “heritage” and the Confederate flag have no legitimate uses.

What we did from there was the really ingenious part. We started spending all of our state funds on these college football teams so you northern states who like to pay for things like healthcare and K-12 public schools could not compete with us. We hired the coaches with the best reputations and paid off the people who host bowls so all of the important games would be in our own back yards. The secret part was that we also started to pay some of the top players to come play for our teams, but every few years we accuse each other of cheating so nobody will figure out that the system is actually run by the conference. Remember when Mississippi State complained that Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for them? That was just to throw you off of our scent.

At first, we were not quite subtle enough.

You probably think that we sound like a Bond villain, telling you our evil plan and giving you a chance to stop it. But it is already too late. We have created a vicious cycle that will keep embarrassing your colleges every year. We built a few great teams, so now everyone thinks the players in the south are inherently better. Then they rank us at the top of the polls every year based on our “talent,” and we only play non-conference games against local also-rans like McNeese State and Alabama A&M. When we finally beat up on each other in conference games, people just assume that the conference is impossibly tough, even though none of the teams are all that good. Seriously, what has Georgia ever won? And they are ranked in the top 10 every year. That way, when our other teams beat Georgia, it looks like they’ve accomplished something. Of course, we do have some nice bowl wins against northern teams, but what do you expect to happen when a team built to win the Big 10 in cold weather travels to play Florida in Florida under perfect conditions? We have controlled all the variables, and the system will never get better for you.

By now, you can probably see how hopeless the situation has become for your beloved colleges and their football teams. Nothing you can do will change the system, and once we have college football playoffs, there will be even more SEC teams in the final four to embarrass your cold weather teams in our stadiums.

There is still hope for you because we are willing to offer a treaty. Our offer is simple. We will secede from the BCS and let you go back to having good football teams and being proud of your colleges. In exchange, you must also let us secede from your silly Union and let us go back to having our slaves. That probably sounds extreme based on what you have believed all your life, but do you really want us around anymore? You lionize Abraham Lincoln for keeping the USA in one piece, but what are we offering you other than morbid obesity and illiteracy? Now is your chance to rectify that historical mistake.

If you would like to accept our offer, meet us in the neutral territory. We have just the place picked out- Appomattox court house. We suggest you act quickly, because the way this college football season is shaping up, it may end with your beloved Notre Dame being slaughtered mercilessly by Alabama. And we all know that there is nothing white northerners like more than Notre Dame. This is your last chance. Let us secede from your country, and we will secede from your football.

Sincerely,

The South

Economic Recovery Hits Young Adults Hardest

By Penelope Coleman

NEW YORK- Numbers released over the last month by the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicate that the American economy has started a slow rebound back to healthy growth after several years of recession or stagnation. Recent college graduates, a demographic hit especially hard by the economic slowdown, have started to enter the workplace at a record pace. As they do so, they are learning that their long-awaited jobs are not as desirable as they once hoped.

“It totally sucks, man,” said Mike Huckleberry, a 2011 Rutgers graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Communications. “I took this job selling advertising for the Newark Star-Ledger and I never realized that it would become, like, my whole freaking life.” Mr. Huckleberry included in his list of complaints being tired all the time from getting up at 7:45 AM, having to plan his meals up to a day in advance to make sure he has enough food to pack a lunch, and not being able to catch up on ESPN’s slate of daytime talk shows such as First Take, Around the Horn, and College Football Live.

Mr. Huckleberry's halcyon days.

The workplace itself has been a veritable minefield for these young professionals. Experienced workers nationwide have taken note of the fact that these new employees need breaks at least once every hour and seem to think that the dryer is an appropriate substitute for an ironing board even though their clothes remain exceedingly wrinkly. Perhaps most annoying are the constant, frantic attempts to minimize Facebook and Twitter windows when coworkers enter their cubicles, despite the fact that no one cares what they are doing with their time. These experienced workers have expressed some frustration, but feel confident that the newer workers will eventually learn the time-tested methods for wasting hours at work, such as carrying on lengthy conversations about what happened over the weekend in colleagues' offices or scheduling unnecessary meetings and expensing coffee and donuts to the company account.

Even the work-related activities have proven to be far less engaging that previously anticipated. According to Mr. Huckleberry, “I interned at a radio station in college and it always seemed like I was the only one who didn’t have anything going on. I figured it was because I was just an intern and nobody trusted me to do anything important. Nope. Now that I am a salaried, full-time employee, I still somehow have about 2 hours of work to do in an 8-hour work day.” To cover for his lack of productivity, Mr. Huckleberry often circles the office floor to gather details on his coworkers’ projects so he has issues to talk about when his superiors ask him how thing are going.

One of the unforeseen consequences of young adults getting jobs is that many of them have moved out of their parents’ houses into vastly inferior rental apartments that they can afford. These apartments share little in common with college dorms that have on-site laundry facilities, communal bathrooms that are professionally cleaned every day, and dining halls that purchase, prepare, and clean up after meals for a small fee. Instead, these young adults are finding that the indignity of moving back home after college was a blessing in disguise as they navigate the choppy waters of taking care of themselves. On balance, most are discovering that the shame of sneaking into one’s childhood bedroom at 3 AM is worth the free food, lodging, and cleaning that comes with it.

Many new professionals are finding that the problems associated with professional life do not start and stop at the office door. For instance, new hires often feel pressured to attend office happy hours and other social events put on by coworkers. Jill Crockett, who recently took her first job selling car insurance for Liberty Mutual after 18 months of unemployment, explains that these happy hours are often anything but. “First of all, everyone wants to go to these stuffy downtown bars that are pitch black right after work. They always forget that I am broke, then they start ordering appetizers for the table that I can’t afford. Then everyone orders white wine or fancy cocktails, so I can’t really get away with having a cheap beer and I end up drinking a martini to fit in. I don’t even like olives, so ordering a martini is basically like ordering a glass full of cold gin. It tastes so gross that I have to drink it extremely slowly, which mean I can’t even get a buzz while I have to listen to these fat middle-aged people lie about how good their kids are at tennis or jazz trombone. I spend the whole time checking my phone to see if enough time has passed for me to get out of there so I can go home and watch half of Homeland before I fall asleep on the couch and start the sequence over again the next morning.”

The Presidential candidates have yet to weigh in on this burgeoning opposition to job growth. So far, both candidates have supported policies that aim to grow the economy and put more Americans to work. Recently, though, some pundits have speculated that Mitt Romney may target Barack Obama’s youthful base with promises of job-killing measures that would help take them out of the workforce for the foreseeable future. While the move is seen as a political gamble, promises of layoffs may be the type of tradition-bucking move that could put the challenger in the driver’s seat.

Apple Faulted for Utilizing Incredible, Futuristic Map Technology

By Denise Montalban

PALO ALTO- Apple released its highly anticipated iPhone 5 this week to generally positive reviews. One feature that has not been well received by the nerderatti has been Apple’s new map software. In fact, the transition from Google Maps to Apple’s proprietary map software has been met with a chorus of full-on nerd rage.

The software, which allows users to carry highly detailed maps of every part of the world in a device that fits comfortably in one’s pocket and also functions as a stereo, telephone, and computer, is seen as a major inconvenience that will prevent users from achieving basic functionality. The technology is seen as inferior to its predecessor Google Maps because of something to do with GPS that no one actually understands, but about which many feel very passionate.

People are angry that their phone can do this.

Even though something as archaic as Map Quest was seen as revolutionary during the lifetimes of most iPhone users, this devolution of software has proven to be a major sticking point with many of Apple’s loyal users.

“I feel hurt and personally betrayed by Apple’s new map software,” said longtime Apple brand allegiant Kip Wolstonecraft, an ice cream scooper from Reno, Nevada. “I waited in line for days to get the new iPhone, and once I finally had it, I found out that someone on the internet said that there is better map software than what came preloaded on my phone. You can see how that would seem like an attack on me, right?”

When asked what he would do about the perceived deficiencies in the new device, Wolstonecraft responded, “I’m not going to do anything crazy like start a riot or buy a Samsung phone, but I’m definitely going to go on one of my Apple message boards and give it 2.5 stars out of 4 instead of 3.”

Perhaps the most perplexing part of the new iPhone release is the fact that Apple, a money-making company, took measures to increase revenue while decreasing expenditures on licensing Google’s technology. Economist have stated that Apple made the decision in hopes of generating additional “profits,” which they explained are made up of money that is left over when expenses are subtracted from revenue. These “profits,” according to the economists, are a key part of Apple’s business model and will help them to produce future products, like the iPhone 6, the iPhone 7, and possibly the iPhone 8, which promises to be the best iPhone ever.

Romney Backs Off of 47% Comments

“I meant that 47% will vote for Obama because they’re minorities. Not better? Ok, let me try again” says GOP nominee

By Martin Belafonte

Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney distanced himself from his comments that 47% of the electorate is “entitled” and will vote for Barack Obama no matter what today. The nominee came under fire this week when a recording of a closed-door fundraiser leaked to the press. The recording confirmed many Americans’ fears that Romney cares little for the working class.

At a press conference today, Romney tried to clarify his remarks. “See, I think everyone is taking that tape out of context,” he told reporters at a campaign stop in Clearwater, Florida. “When I said that 47% of the people will vote for Obama no matter what, I wasn’t talking about white people. I meant that 47% will vote for Obama because they’re minorities. Not better? OK, let me try again.”

As the press corps stared stone-faced back at the candidate, his normally unflappable demeanor appeared notably flapped. “Wow, more coloreds in this press group than I remembered. Haha. Did I say coloreds? I was joking. You know what a joker the MIttster is. Romney 2012! You don’t have to print any of this, you know.”

“I think people are getting the wrong idea. When I talk about the 47%, I am not talking about the middle class. In fact, I am talking about poor people who are trying to get rid of the middle class. That’s right, they’re trying to take it over! Are we going to let that happen?” Romney asked the increasingly hostile audience.

Romney continued, “Look, I think you’re getting the wrong idea about me. It is simple mathematics. Think of America as a pie. Now, if I called down to my cook and asked him to bake me a delicious acai berry and truffle oil pie and cut me a slice that represented Americans who don’t pay taxes, that would be a big slice! I would have to call my butler up to wrap up the part I couldn’t finish. Now that wouldn’t be very considerate of me, would it? And that’s the point I have been trying to make all along.”

“The part I just do not understand for one gosh darn minute is when people say that I‘m out of touch. It’s just not true! I put my magic underwear on one leg at a time just like the rest of you. I connect with the American people. For example, I love country music. Last week, I co-sponsored the Best Male Artist award at the CMAs. I couldn’t have been happier when Blake Shelton won the Old Spice Love Your Smelf-Romney 2012 Male Artist of the Year Award. I was so happy for him that I had the president of his recording company give me his info so I could have one of my people send him a congratulatory message on My Space. He owed me a favor anyway- I saved the company from bankruptcy after Napster was invented by firing all of their local distributors.”

“But I am getting off on a tangent. What is important is that the American people know that I connect with them and I still care about a slight majority of them.”

When asked for comment, President Obama was busy cackling and rolling a blunt. 

Unbalanced, Once-Famous Starlet Agrees to Become Judge on Floundering Televised Singing Competition

A Press Release Template for the Annual Revolving Door of Reality Judges

HOLLYWOOD- Kevin Goldsmith, President of a [major television network], announced today that the network had reached an agreement with [the pop diva] to become a judge on its [reality singing show]. Goldsmith said he believes that, “everyone deserves a second-chance,” and that he feels that the troubled star has put her checkered past behind her.

The multiplatinum singer did not appear at the press conference, but she briefly addressed reporters through a conference call, telling them that she was excited for the opportunity to work with such a popular franchise. “Yay! I am so thrilled to be joining [the show]!” she told reporters during her brief remarks. She did not confirm that [her predecessor] would be leaving the show to star in a remake of [a popular 1980s romantic comedy], but observers felt that the newest addition to the panel meant that the writing was on the wall.

[The singer's] 2010 mugshot after a DUI arrest.
All charges were dropped.

The singer’s representatives said that the show will offer her a chance at redemption after several years of professional missteps. In 2009, she had a well-publicized meltdown in a hotel lobby that caused many of her fans to question her psychological well-being. In 2010, she had to cancel a leg of her European tour due to exhaustion and dehydration, though many journalists speculated that she may have been dealing with a drug problem behind the scenes.

Nonetheless, the partnership could be a launching pad for both parties. [The show], which used to enjoy blockbuster ratings, saw its market share dip substantially last season after the departure of two of its long-time hosts. With more competition than ever, producers felt they had to make a splash. The addition of [the fiery diva] will certainly make headlines, but it remains to be seen whether she will have the on-air chemistry with the other judges that will draw viewers to the show.

[The show] will not be [the singer’s] first foray into reality television. Many viewers will remember the star’s short-lived foray into the genre that followed her during the lead-up to her wedding to [egocentric professional athlete]. The show suffered through abysmal ratings, and was canceled after the engagement broke off months before the couple exchanged nuptials.

Many of the diva’s most ardent fans were thrilled with the news that she would be joining the show in the fall, including [the show’s androgynous, bubbly host].  Shortly after the news broke, he took to Twitter, saying: “Super pumped to hear [singer] is joining us in the fall!!!!” and “Luv u and can’t wait to C you on set!!! Going 2 b Epic!!”

Terms of the star’s contract were not released, but there were rumors that she may be compensated as much as $15 million for her first year, with escalators in salary if she is asked to come back for future seasons. The salary does not account for her famous rider, which includes a request for brand new slippers, three bottles of Dom Perignon champagne, and 144 chocolate-dipped strawberries in her dressing room after every show. Also, the show promises to give [the singer] free publicity for her new album “[synonym for redemption],” due out early next year.

Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

Colombian Prostitute-Gate: What Really Happened?

The Obama administration and the Secret Service came under fire this week following the revelation that several Secret Service agents visited a harem while on official duty in Colombia. Shockingly, the agents betrayed the primary implication of their agency’s name by disclosing their identity and sharing confidential information with the prostitutes. While prostitution is legal in Colombia, many have said that the President’s personal security team ought to adhere to a higher standard of decorum than “When in Rome.” Additionally, the story became public when one of the agents refused to pay a prostitute what she said he owed her, offering $50 instead of $250.

Revealing secret identities? Haggling over prices? That doesn’t sound like the Secret Service so proudly depicted on television and in the movies. When I heard this story, my antennae shot up, and the results of my investigation may shock you.

A confidential source revealed to me that Secret Service agents indeed visited the brothel on the date in question. In fact, it is not uncommon for agents to visit brothels, drink to excess, or even dabble in whatever recreational drugs are available in a given area. They perform a stressful job, and there has long been an unspoken understanding that they are allowed to let loose while canvassing before the President’s official visit commences. The agents understand that they have a good deal, and like any beneficiary of great generosity, they know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. The agents are discrete by trade, and would never let it slip that they are on an assignment, and they would certainly never start the sort of commotion associated with a price dispute.

Clint Eastwood's character from In the Line of Fire would be ashamed.

Unfortunately, a perfect storm conspired against the Secret Service in this case. The same week that the Secret Service was preparing for President Obama’s trip to Colombia, two graduate students from the University of Virginia’s Latin American Studies PHD program were taking a research-oriented spring break trip to Colombia. The students, Myles Hobson, 27 , and Jeremy Little, 28, happened to visit the same brothel as the Secret Service agents, and happened to be in the adjacent rooms. Moreover, the impish duo, ashamed to explain their actual occupation to the escorts, stated that they were undercover Secret Service agents. It may seem implausible that two civilians would present themselves as Secret Service agents to foreign prostitutes, but “Secret Service agent” is actually the third most common fantasy profession chosen by pathetic American men trying to impress foreign prostitutes, right after “Air Force Pilot” and “Racecar Driver.”

Typically, housing actual Secret Service agents and imposter Secret Service agents in adjacent rooms would not pose a problem, but the situation escalated when the graduate students realized they did not have enough money to pay the high-class escorts. Due to their academic knowledge of Colombia, the students assumed that the exchange rate would translate into a relatively affordable price for the prostitutes. What they didn’t realize was that the market for high-class prostitutes is dominated by foreign dignitaries and wealthy businessmen, so the prevailing exchange rate does not deflate the cost. An argument ensued, and when the actual Secret Service agents heard the words “Secret Service” being yelled through the walls, they assumed they were under attack.

At that point, the actual agents formulated a plan to infiltrate the adjoining room. They instructed their prostitutes to knock on the door then followed them into the room with guns drawn. When the situation was explained to them, they paid off the difference in cost and quickly left the hotel. Unluckily, due to Colombia’s high rate of kidnapping, the hotel has state-of-the-art security cameras near all of the exits that captured footage of them leaving the building. Additionally, the security guard who had been called by the students’ prostitutes before the actual agents arrived finally showed up and started questioning the students about what happened [Ed. Note: Colombian security guards are famous for being paragons of thoroughness and integrity]. Since they had already signed the hotel’s registry and listed “Secret Service” under their occupation, the guard wrote in his report that two Secret Service agents had a price dispute with two of their prostitutes.

When word of the disturbance got back to the United States, the security camera footage was enough proof to convince Congressman Darrel Issa that the story was true, which led to his press release that launched the scandal. From there, the agents were immediately trotted out to be this week’s target of American outrage and scorn, even though the real culprits were two clueless graduate students posing as Secret Service agents as part of a sex tourism fantasy.

The Great Napkin Conundrum

Legendary Greek mathematician Pythagoras once said that choices are the hinges of destiny. As such, a wise man takes no choice too lightly and must consider the foreseen and unforeseen implications of his every action. Certainly, in the heat of the moment, it is easy to flippantly fall into a seemingly innocuous course of behavior, but we all know what it is like to live with the deep, burning regret of a crucial missed opportunity.

It is with this heavy heart that I face one of the more vexing and morally ambiguous dilemmas of my years. You see, I fancy myself a frugal man, an adherent to the maxim that a penny saved is a penny earned, yet I seek not to let that penny make me pound foolish. Perhaps these weighty philosophical questions will strike a truer chord when I indulge in you the details of my pressing ontological quandary.

I will begin my recounting with today’s excursion for a midday meal, thereby sparing you the gory details of decades of formative minutiae reaching as far back as the proverbial butterfly flapping its wings in Asia. I ventured from my place of work to the haven of fine Mexican-American cuisine known as Chipotle. Seeing as this establishment’s fare tends to squish and squirt in unexpected directions as it is consumed, I grabbed not a napkin, but a stack of napkins. Dark colored clothing or no, one cannot be too careful when it comes to noontime stains, unless he keeps spare dress shirts in his desk drawers, thereby needlessly evoking suspicion of infidelity from the womenfolk.

Due to some combination of divine intervention and unexpectedly good karma, I was able to avoid having to use the entire pile of napkins I earlier retrieved. Instead, I used precisely three napkins- one to guard my lap from the aforementioned squishes and squirts, one to wipe my mouth at the conclusion of the meal, and one to serve as a buffer between my fork and the uncouth tabletop sullied by my predecessors. More to the point, the remaining napkins in the stack numbered near a dozen, which I believe I was reasonably entitled to keep by the implied social contract between the establishment and myself.

Herein lies the problem. When resources are scarce, value spikes. In the days before my fortuitous acquisition of these napkins, I had mentally noted a need for additional napkins in the desk in my office as well as my car. I could not help but think that I would come to rue whichever choice I made. It felt as though I was being asked which of two children I would like to slaughter.

But if only the question was resolved so simply! The napkins in my desk serve a monumentally vital function to my day to day activities. Not only do I need one to serve as a coaster to prevent a daily coffee ring stain on the desk, I also need to employ a napkin as a makeshift plate on those days that I am required to eat at my desk. I earlier lamented the filth left behind on my restaurant table by the unclean masses; I regret to add that my own office hygiene leaves much the same to be desired. Food and paper establish the first layer of grime, and it is compounded every time I spray compressed air into my keyboard, leaving a veritable plague of dust and crumbs that cannot be wiped away so easily. Am I to eat from this cesspool? Perhaps, but only if my Freudian death drive has shifted into high gear.

On one hand, napkins are extremely important to have on hand in a motor vehicle. From surprise spills to congested sinuses, they can come in extremely handy in a variety of circumstances. What’s more, the bar for replacement products is extremely low, making the napkin a much better option than the next best alternative. Without a napkin in a car, how is one to clean up drops of coffee that cascade down the passenger seat after an unexpected speed bump? What of condensation on the inside of the windshield that the wiper blades cannot reach? And I defy you to tell me what good an old parking receipt will do in cases of a bloody nose. With those facts alone, the car makes a strong case to be the terminal destination of my napkins. I can only relay the sheer horror of the past few days when I have reached into the seatback pocket for a napkin, only to find a few dirty, balled-up wastes that ought to have been properly disposed of long before.

[LEFT: If only I could return to that more innocent time when a napkin was a simple and useful implement as the one pictured here.]

It is worth noting that the “backup plan” in the office is much more palatable than the car cataclysm. In fact, a paper towel dispenser resides in the office kitchen as little as thirty feet from where I sit. But that begs the question of frequency. I certainly will need to walk to that kitchen several times each day when I need a napkin for one purpose or another, whereas the car will only require a napkin in unique and infrequent occurrences. If my daily commute was longer, that would further complicate the issue, as if the conundrum was not already verging on unsolvable without needless hypotheticals thrown into the calculation!

So I sit. I sit pensively. I sit pensively, so moribund and hopeless that my questions expand from cleanliness and convenience to being and nothingness. It is clear that this question will not answer itself, and it will extract a great price from its answerer. It seems as though the only means of sating this deep emptiness inside me is with a purely temporal and aesthetic good, unyoked from the burden of philosophical self-justification. Maybe what I need is a shock to the system, something to remove me from this infinite loop of weight and counterweight. Maybe what I need is simply a snack, but of course, that is going to require me to find a napkin.