How Afghanistan can find a good man- President material

By Dr. Jennifer Pyle, Presidential Relationship Counselor

There’s no denying it, Afghanistan: good men are hard to find these days. And getting one to commit to being president of your anarchic hellhole, ugh, you’d have a better chance of staying on your New Year’s diet through February! But that’s what I’m here for. See, I help countries that are having trouble finding and keeping a good president look inside themselves to discover what it is they really want.

Now, I understand that things have been tough lately, Afghanistan. The Taliban is sending suicide bombers into your cities, all your neighboring countries seem to be finding good men to take care of them as their presidents, and your election process has been repeatedly disrupted by sectarian violence. You must feel like you’re doing something wrong, but I’m here to tell you that all you can do is be the best Afghanistan you can be, and you’ll find the right man sooner than you think! Instead of playing the “blame game,” let’s focus on a more constructive approach to finding a man.

[RIGHT- Your presidency is not a game, Afghanistan.]

-Accept that you are worthy of being loved. When you’re down in the dumps, all you can see are your own flaws. But where you see an arid wasteland of a countryside populated only by opium-farming warlords, others may see an oasis of economic opportunity. They key is finding the right man who loves you for being you. If he doesn’t love you, then maybe he was meant to be president of Bhutan or Mongolia, but there’s no reason to lower yourself to electing a man who doesn’t appreciate the beauty that is Afghanistan.

-Be a good communicator. While we may see a man as afraid of presidential commitment, you have to look at things from his perspective, too. He may look at the presidency as a death trap with no possibility of success, much like a bad marriage. In the end, you’re better off being honest with your guy: tell him about the warring religious factions at the outset so he doesn’t feel that you’re withholding information from him. Show him that you’re on good terms with your exes, even if they’re living in mountain caves and alienated from the world community. If your guy is afraid of the commitment that comes with being president of Afghanistan, it’s better to find out about it now than to commit to a serious relationship and have him try to embezzle millions of dollars from the national treasury and seek refuge in Pakistan at the first hint of an assassination attempt.

-Let your friends and family know you’re “on the market.” When you inform everyone around you that you are available, the presidential candidate will be pre-screened- your allies will set you up with guys who they think would be a good match for you. Getting your friends’ input at the start will help the selection process and separate the duds from real presidential material. For instance, try dropping some hints to the NATO-led security force which will begin deploying next week to quash the Taliban-led counter-insurgency in the Uruzgan province. I hear that NATO has some really successful friends who would be a great match for a crippled relic of Cold War conflict like yourself.

-Get involved in the community. If you’re a religious person, be active in your church. That way, you’ll constantly be interacting with people who share a similar value structure. Who knows? Maybe that cute radical Islamic cleric down at the Mosque has more political aspirations than he’s letting on. Also, volunteering at a political campaign is a great way to meet responsible, like-minded guys who might turn out to be worthy candidates. Plus, being open to new experiences will help you grow as a country; you’ll get in touch with yourself as a country while looking for a president.

-Don’t get hung up on old flames. Anybody who you might end up with is going to have to eventually deal with the 600 pound gorilla in the room. But honestly, there’s no point in allowing your past relationship with Osama Bin Laden get in the way of having a new relationship with a better man. Believe me, Afghanistan, there are many more fish in the sea. I know exactly what you’re going through: lots of countries with bad leaders in their past feel inadequate and keep waiting for someone to tell them what to do and make them feel special like the old leader did. Look at Russia, she was one of the most powerful countries in the world under Stalin, but she could never accept a leader who was good to her. Sure, Boris Yeltsin had some problems with his drinking, but he loved her, and she kicked him to the curb to start another abusive relationship with Vladimir Putin. As sexy as Putin may be, he wants to control Russia, and that’s not a healthy relationship. Even though Osama never consummated his relationship with you and became president, you can still learn a valuable lesson from that fling: you can’t spend your life waiting for some superstar to come out of hiding to lead you. You have to be proactive and find the president who is right for you, and believe me, girlfriend, Osama is not the one.

If there’s one thing I can tell you, Afghanistan, it’s that you should be confident in yourself going into next week’s elections. Sure, haters are going to say that the Taliban will kill whoever you elect and that corrupt warlords will prevent any relationship from working like it should, but you have to shake those haters off! The only way that Afghanistan can be happy is by accepting itself and finding a man who will love it, care for it, and commit to it in presidency.

Michael Vick moves one step closer to becoming Tony Dungy’s surrogate son

By Darryl DeCinnes

PHILADELPHIA- After Tony Dungy’s son James committed suicide in 2005, the Super Bowl winning head coach had a bit of an identity crisis. Dungy lived his life as a dedicated husband, father, and Christian, and to have a tragedy that reflected so poorly on his public image hurt him personally, and had the potential to hurt him even more in the public eye. Thus, it’s no surprise that Dungy jumped at the opportunity to become a mentor to disgraced dog fighting champion and erstwhile NFL quarterback Michael Vick during his reclamation to freedom and football.

Four years ago, James Dungy’s girlfriend found the coach’s son after he committed “suicide” by “hanging” himself after friends reported that he was “depressed” following a weekend of partying with David Carradine, Michael Hutchens from INXS, and Chris Kattan. Dungy, who always valued his family greatly, was worried that the public would perceive him as a phony and a charlatan after his son’s suicide. After all, a child’s suicide is the third worst reflection on a parent, ranking directly behind gay and community college. With Vick’s reformation underway, the public once again perceives Dungy as a benevolent humanitarian rather than an absentee parent who spent 20 hours a day during his child’s formative years telling steroid users where to stand.

[RIGHT- Dungy explains to reporters how much Michael smells like his late son, James.]

The adjustment will be difficult for Vick, as well, who know faces the burden of maintaining a high level of person conduct without the daily supervision, regimen, and daily ass-raping to which he had become so accustomed. Vick must also get into shape to withstand the rigors of the NFL season after his workout routine for the last year consisted wholly of bench presses and commando ball for six hours each day, not to mention his diet of bologna sandwiches. Will he be able to face the pressures of being the backup quarterback for a team whose fans booed Santa Claus and cheered Michael Irvin’s potentially paralyzing neck injury? Considering that he is being shepherded by Dungy and Eagles coach Andy Reid, it’s a near certainty that Vick will follow the path of each man’s oldest son and become addicted to pain killers.

The developing relationship between Vick and Reid will be interesting to observe. Reid, a devout Mormon and family man himself, has had similar problems with his sons. Although they have yet to kill themselves or others, they have exhibited some of the most obnoxious spoiled rich kid behavior imaginable. It is not clear whether Reid’s strand of Mormonism embraces the Amish principle of letting children sow their wild oats before choosing a life of piety, but it is certain that he will have extra time for parenting duties while his son serves jail time for trying to bring illegal drugs into a courthouse where he was to undergo a drug test. Seriously. In any case, it is not hard to imagine Dungy and Reid becoming embroiled in a bizarre custody battle where the two failed parents can see who can screw up the already vulnerable Vick faster.

[LEFT- Reid, who may secretly want to eat Vick.]

Why the recently retired Dungy would want to take on the stress of tutoring the troubled Vick is a topic of much discussion among observers. When asked by a reporter recently why he chose to reach out to Vick, Dungy said, “He’s like the son I always wanted, but never had. Actually, I did have him, but then he killed himself, so he’s more like the son I always wanted, and did have, but then killed himself, but now I have again, if that makes sense.” Others have speculated that Vick was attractive to Dungy as a reclamation project in need of a father figure, but also as an icon in the black community, which was never quite sure if Dungy was part black, or just a really ethnic Greek or Italian.

Some members of Dungy’s inner circle have expressed confusion and apprehension about the former coach’s dedication to the incarcerated superstar. They say that Dungy coincidentally watched the movie Faceoff on TNT several months ago. Ever since then, he has been obsessed with recreating James’ personality and appearance to create the perfect son. Guests to the Dungy house witnessed him angrily insist that that 220 pound Vick sit in an infant’s high chair at dinner, then spank the quarterback when he said he did not need to have his diaper changed. Particularly disturbing was Dungy’s recent suggestion to Vick- that a truly fresh start would have to include a fresh appearance, after which he brought Vick to a plastic surgeon for a consultation.

What Dungy may have forgotten is that everybody knows that facial transplants lead to demon spawn trying to murder their creator. In scientific circles, it is known as the Godsend corollary, named after the Robert DeNiro, Rebecca Romijn documentary on the same topic. Without a doubt, if Dungy successfully convinces Vick to have plastic surgery to give him James Dungy’s face, his experiences with dog fighting will not rank among the most heinous crimes he will have committed.

Kim Jong-Il’s ego falls prey to Bill Clinton’s sycophantic mastery

By Donald Vegiton

PYONGYANG- Using his world-class suck-up skills, honed by years of kissing babies and trying to apologize for cheating on a cold, hard bitch, Bill Clinton successfully negotiated the release of two American journalists imprisoned in North Korea. Clinton’s meeting with Kim Jong-Il was marked by Clinton’s constant catering to the North Korean dictator’s expansive ego, a tactic which proved to fit the scenario like a pig in shit.

[RIGHT- Bill Clinton, manipulator extraordinaire]

Clinton began the trip by complimenting Kim’s handshake, a bit of flattery that made Kim giggle like a 13-year old girl getting hit on after her third Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade. From that point, Clinton knew that he had Kim eating out of the palm of his hand and proceeded to make the rest of his visit to the far-East more of a pleasure trip.

[RIGHT- "My, what large hands you have, Dear Leader!"]

The North Korean government imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling and sentenced them to 12 years hard labor. Most experts speculated that the motivation for the imprisonment was to engage the United States in bilateral talks, a longtime goal that the country only partially achieved due to the involvement of the former U.S. President. When Clinton initially heard of the imprisonment, a close aide told reporters that he overheard the former president muttering to himself, “is that the sassy Japanese girl from Channel 1 news? I bet she would give one hell of a sloppy BJ if I got her out of there." Clinton’s audible internal monologue continued, “I think those Asian chicks have sideways cooters, too. I’ve always wanted to see what that looks like. I hope she doesn’t have a big bush blocking the view, but I guess she probably didn’t get a chance to shave it into a sexy landing strip in Korean prison. Maybe I should bring her a razor…”

Shortly after his arrival, Kim took Clinton on a diplomatic tour of his palace, highlighted by a live sex show performed by enslaved citizens. Clinton described the show as “an atrocity; a wonderful, sexy atrocity that Americans should learn to embrace.” From there, negotiations progressed to the dinner table, where Clinton and Kim indulged in spit-fire dog, a delicacy which Clinton described as “melt in your mouth delicious.” All the while, Kim became more enchanted by the American’s faux-sincerity, as his misgivings about the Great Satan fell to the most basic trappings of American political sycophantism.

Clinton sealed the deal with Kim when he invited the totalitarian dictator to an irresistible evening of debauchery. He later recounted his final negotiating tactic to an assistant: “I said, ‘Now Kim, I just wanted to come here to get some of that sweet DPRK poon, but these guys won’t let me get after it until these prisoners are freed. What do you say we pretend some renegade judge let them out, you can have the judge murdered by a firing squad later for insubordination, we’ll go get some Courvoisier, smoke some Cubans, and we’ll find you some of those Swedish maids you like so much. That’s all I’m asking, Kim- let’s cut business time short so we can get to the bonin’.’ You see, every lie has to start with a shred of truth, or else he’ll never believe it. That lie worked because I really wanted to stop talking about hostages and start screwing his hot slaves. That’s the kind of sincerity that lays the groundwork for trust in a negotiation.”

Kim reportedly wanted no part of negotiations with President Barack Obama because he is, as one source put it, “terrified of black people.” Clinton, the archetypal congenial Southerner, was practically invented to manipulate someone as egotistical as Kim with his knack for making him feel manlier and more accomplished. Clinton’s tactics included referring to Kim’s palace as “one hell of a man cave,” asking for Kim’s expert opinion on his upcoming NFL fantasy draft- Kim likes Frank Gore as a second round sleeper-, and intentionally losing to Kim in a beer chugging contest, which was punctuated by a jubilant Kim yelling, “suck on dat, Birr Crinton!”

To the relief of many western diplomats, Clinton backed away from the nuclear option of returning filmmaker Shin Sang Ok, acclaimed and beloved director of Three Ninjas Kick Back, to North Korea. Shin spent 15 years in North Korean captivity after Kim’s security force kidnapped him from a South Korean restaurant. While under Kim’s supervision, Shin was forced to direct and produce Moria, a low-budget Godzilla rip-off that Kim thought would dispel negative stereotypes about his country. With North Korea on the receiving end of mountains of bad press, some insiders have suggested that Moria 2 may be in the works, and the script may rival Godsend for historical ineptitude. Clinton was therefore reluctant to return Shin to North Korean custody for fear that only he had the capability to engineer Kim's weapon of mass dullness.

[LEFT- Probably the wrong Kim and Clinton.]

Now that the journalists have been freed from their sentence of 12 years hard labor, it is unclear whether they will be required to continue working for Al Gore’s Current TV. Gore, it is said, runs the news network as a despot- he spends all of the company’s money on gaudy military demonstrations and leaves no money for food. He has taken to wearing Nehru jackets, combing his hair straight back, and has replaced his contacts with comically oversized glasses. Inside sources indicate that Gore’s presence may help ease Lee and Ling back into American society after their time in North Korea.

Clinton, a glutton for pleasure as well as a fantastic suck-up, said that he greatly enjoyed his trip, and would consider returning on unofficial business in the future. “Let me tell you,” Clinton said at a press conference at LAX airport, “any country that lets you be president forever, and forces women to have sex with you when you’re in office- that’s my kind of country. Maybe I was a little too hard on Kim when I was in office, but that guy’s got it all figured out.”

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Uighur violence brings abrupt end to confused teen’s identity crisis

By James Broadhorse

KENOSHA- The Uighur riots in China’s Xinjiant province that left 140 dead and many other injured have had a ripple effect on the West. Local teenager Nick McDonald, 16, was taken aback by the Chinese government’s inhumane treatment of the Uighur population, and the crisis has made him reevaluate his own lifestyle.

“I’ve heard people make fun of wiggars before, but I didn’t realize it could get so violent,” McDonald said. “I used to tell people that I was just expressing myself, but if people in China are getting killed for being wiggars, then I can express myself in a different way.”

McDonald expressed surprise that there was a substantial white population in that part of China, let alone a black population for them to emulate. “It just made me realize that you have to be who you really are, naw I’m sayin? Excuse me; do you know what I’m saying?”

McDonald’s friends and family in his home town of Kenosha, Wisconsin were confused at his sudden change of heart at first before quickly realizing the homophonic misunderstanding. Still, everyone from McDonald’s mother to his best friends independently chose not to tell him about the difference between Uighurs- a predominantly Islamic ethnic group in Western China- and wiggars- over-privileged white kids in middle America who appropriate the black culture pushed on them by MTV.

Despite frequent references to his gat, and “capping bitches,” McDonald insists that he is not a violent person. “I know I ran my mouth a lot, talking about how tough I was, but I want everybody to know that I never really hurt anyone,” he pleaded. “My tattooed tears were just drawn on with a Sharpie, and that time I stole a 40 from the liquor store and poured it out on the street, that was just for show, I didn’t really have any dead homies.”

When asked about the incident, McDonald’s friend Shaun Kalder confirmed the situation. “Yeah, no shit Nick didn’t have any dead homies. If he was really so tough, then why did he make me steal the beer from the store?” Kalder went on to recount several instances in which McDonald pretended to be taking phone calls from “his bitches,” only to have his phone history later reveal that they were calls from his grand-parents.

Chinese President Hu Jintao had a different take on the situation. “Stupid white boy no understand no Engrish,” Jintao told the Western media at a press conference. “He think he a brack rapper, but there no bracks in China. We destroy them all a rong time ago. Just kidding United Nations guy! Ohhhh, me so funny!”

Despite the end of the violence in Xinjiang, McDonald plans to lay low for the next few weeks. He has traded in his throwback jerseys and do-rags for baseball caps and t-shirts with sayings such as, “Your Mom” on them. Nonetheless, he says he is going to steer clear of the 7-11 on Piedmont Street for a while, because he doesn’t want the Chinese immigrants who own it to get the wrong idea.

“I already know that Mr. Chang hates me, probably because I’m always stealing licorice from his store,” McDonald said, “but I don’t need to get involved in any of that ethnic cleansing business. I’m already ethnically clean. I mean, look how pale my skin is. I don’t think I even have ethnicity.”

Kate Gosselin seeks new ways to exploit children

By Larissa Huffnaggle

NEW YORK- Kate Gosselin, star of TLC’s smash hit "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and mother of sextuplets, says she is taking advantage of the show’s break from filming by doing what she does best: dreaming up new ways to take advantage of her family for personal fame and fortune.

Gosselin, fresh off of the separation from her estranged husband and the extension of her popular reality show, has rededicated herself to finding "new and exciting" ways to use her children to promote herself while scarring the children permanently and preventing any hope of a normal adult life. Gosselin has pitched ideas to TV executives ranging from putting all eight children in a touring "Jon and Kate Plus 8 On Ice" show to opening a restaurant in Times Square fully staffed and operated by her children. Network executives declined to elaborate on Gosselin’s other promotional ideas, and would only characterize them as, "so appalling that even the Chinese gymnastics coaches would turn away in disgust."

Meanwhile, Gosselin has also sought to expand her notoriety through enhanced self-promotion. She recently signed on with Estee Lauder to create her own fragrance, tentatively named "Fertility," and she remains in negotiations with Wal-Mart for a line of maternity clothing- starting at size XXXXXL- specifically designed for mothers of multiples. Look for her on networks other than TLC, as well, as the star of a new commercial for Dr. Lewis Joseph, the noted vaginal reconstruction surgeon.

Still, Gosselin said her marital difficulties were very hard on her. "Every week, I had to find new and different ways to torture Jon in order to keep the show fresh," Gosselin told reporters. "Every time I saw a potential shred of gratification or happiness, I had to destroy it, but keeping my focus on getting famous at any cost made it easy to quash any feelings of empathy." Gosselin added that the situation ended for the best, as the conflict she created gave her more notoriety than she ever could have imagined.

In her career, Gosselin cited Janice Dickinson and the Real World’s Trachelle as role models, and said her problems her Jon gave her a new reality TV philosophy, "I’ll take this experience as a lesson: the American people love conflict and discord, so I will remain as bitchy as possible to keep myself in the limelight."

Now, Gosselin says that it’s time to move on and try new things. In the near future, she has set the goal of getting her whiny oldest daughter on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars" to remind everyone of how grating her attitude can be. As for her personal life, Gosselin was recently spotted by photographers cavorting with New York Yankees’ star Alex Rodriguez at New York hotspot Flow. Partygoers said the two looked like they were having a great, contrived time together.

What’s next for this loathsome example of the word excesses of America’s voyeuristic instincts? Gosselin says she may try to adopt an African orphan to get the publicity and the inevitable US Weekly cover that goes along with the process, and she has not ruled out the possibility of an experimental embryonic manipulation procedure that would impregnate her with a pair of conjoined twins.

You’re missing the point; we don’t want poor people to have health insurance

By A rich guy

The debate about health care reform goes all the way back to the Truman Administration, and Barack Obama has recently received praise for bridging the gap between liberals and conservatives through the introduction of a plan that would put the government into the health insurance industry as a competitor with private insurers that often operate as local monopolies. The problem with Obama’s so-called “compromise” is that it misses the point- opponents of universal health care do not really care about the distinctions between a single-payer system and a government-participant system; we just don’t want poor people to have access to health care. Think about it: if poor people have health insurance, they will live longer and put more of a drain on the system that I support.

What’s worse is that the health care system would have to support even more people than it already does. I went to the emergency room with a sprained ankle and had to wait amidst that sea of humanity for almost three hours before I could get in for an x-ray with the overworked ER nurse. In just that amount of time, two people came in with gunshot wounds and got to go to the front of the line. How is that fair? Would I get to go to the front of the line at a restaurant if I came in with a gunshot wound? I put in my time, and they cut in ahead of me because they are stupid enough to get shot. Imagine the indignity of waiting in line behind a poor person with a serious injury? That scenario alone should give pause to anyone considering universal health care a legitimate option.

It’s simple math, rich people are worth more to the world than poor people, so giving them the same health care options flies in the face of the American ideal. I make a six-figure salary every year, I pay my taxes, and I contribute to society. Poor people watch stock car racing and hunt. They don’t add anything to society; they just use the services that I pay for. I’m productive, damnit, I shouldn’t be subjected to funding any more welfare programs.

New studies by the Congressional Budget Office say that extending health care would offer universal coverage for a 4% cost increase over the next decade. I say that’s 4% too much to spend on the poor. It should go to more sub-prime mortgages for me to buy up and insurance on my yacht.

[LEFT- Poor people dreaming up new ways to hurt themselves and make me pay for it.]

I don’t care if it’s a single payer system, a public-private competition, or just an expansion of Medicare and Medicaid. As soon as I hear the words “universal healthcare,” I can’t help but thinking about 80-year old trailer trash grilling up chicken fingers, cluttering the newspaper’s editorial pages with letters to the editor whining about leash laws for their Dobermans, and wasting my FICA Social Security contribution on Busch Light and camouflage pants. Obama says he wants this waste-of-space to have access to the life-saving chemotherapy procedures he needs to cure his chaw-induced throat cancer. I say: why?

The New York Times recently described a health cooperative outside of Seattle as a model for the 21st century style of health care institution. I swear on my mother’s grave that I would rather die than have some tie-dyed burnout telling me to do acupuncture for my kidney stones and prescribing medicinal marijuana for my wife’s postpartum depression.

I remember years ago when my doctor would make house calls; those were the days. Back then, you never had to wait in line to see a doctor, and you never had to worry about poor people jumping in front of you because they started a firefight in the alley behind a bombed-out row house. Indeed, we’re all better off with the current system, at least those of us who matter.