DPRK Footballers Achieve Great Victory over Brazilian Brown Devils: 1-2

By Sun Il-Moon, North Korean Director of Sports Propaganda

PYONGYANG- The proud DPRK soccer team brought great exaltation and glory to the Dear Leader this week with an astounding upset of heavily favored and evil behemoth Brazil in the World Cup. The tanned, round-eyed Satans used bribery to influence the unscrupulous referees

and their trickery resulted in two goals. Luckily, their two goals were not enough to overcome the brilliant effort by the DPRK team, led to a dazzling one to two victory by a goal in the 89^th minute.

National hero Ji Yun-Nam scored the single goal that was enough to overcome Brazil’s pair after he was granted the power to overcome the larger Brazilians- who, DPRK sources have learned, are all using illegal steroids- by Kim Jong-Il, who watched the game in his $200 million home theater. The Dear Leader is a great fan of soccer, and has played the game himself. He once led the DPRK to the World Cup championship in 1966 by scoring 37 goals in 7 games while playing goalie. He was also awarded the Man of the Match trophy in the tournament’s opening game, and subsequently won the Kim Jong-Il of the Match award in every other game. History books do not reflect the Dear Leader’s great triumph because they do not want to acknowledge such superiority from a man who did not

waste his entire life training for such a silly little sport. As a result, the Dear Leader has held the DPRK out of the tournament, until this year, when they traveled to South Africa to reclaim their prize.

[RIGHT- The DPRK football squad celebrates its most recent fake victory. Excuse me, transcendent victory.]

The match was characterized by the greedy, capitalist Brazilians dominating possession of the ball while the DPRK took only as much as they needed. The Brazilians also exhibited their inherent wasteful tendencies by taking an obscene 26 shots (10 on goal), while the DPRK chose to take a much more judicious 10 (2 on goal). All readers may note that the brilliant home eleven scored on a much higher percentage of their total shots and shots on goal, but you already knew that because you are Asian, and Asians are really good at math. To further demonstrate their chicanery, the filthy, stench-ridden Brazilians also garnered the match’s only yellow card since the North Korean team only attempts challenges that result in clean turnovers.

The DPRK team has faced more obstacles than imperialistic “officials” and deceitful opponents. Conditions in the deepest, darkest corner of the African continent have been vile and despicable, according to members of the team. Temperatures at game time reached only 34 degrees, a climate poorly fit for the hot blooded stars of the pitch from the Dearest Homeland. Star goalkeeper Ri Myong Guk lamented, “I cannot wait for when we win World Cup, so we can return to the flawless paradise that the Dear Leader has created in the DPRK.” To buffer their strength, the footballers have received increased rations of rice, so if you have been noticing a famine going around it is definitely because the soccer team got extra food. It has nothing to do with those giant platinum statues of Kim Jong-Il with the thick-rimmed glasses made out of emeralds and rubies that just went up in every town square in the country. No, it is just extra rations for the soccer team, so stop being so greedy and sacrifice for the greater glory of the communist state!

Next up in the DPRK’s inevitable march toward proving the dominance of the Korean people over all other races and ethnicities is an easy romp over Portugal. That devastating defeat will be especially triumphant for the DPRK because Portugal features Christiano Ronaldo, a forward often placed near the Dear Leader on lists of the sexiest men in the world. Ronaldo will not look so sexy as he sobs uncontrollably on the sidelines after learning his proper place in the world is in subservience to the DPRK’s Communist Party, not modeling underwear for Calvin Kline and trying to convince women of the world that his slender, sinewy figure is more attractive than the Dear Leader’s egg-shaped body covered in ill-fitting jumpsuits. After that match, the DPRK will roll through the Ivory Coast, one of the few countries in the tournament that does not try to gain an unfair advantage by drawing its squad from a far larger area than the DPRK. Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba will regret coming back early from a broken arm after this loss, and will learn that his exorbitant salary from club team Chelsea and his opulent lifestyle are no consolation for living a life of excess that does not serve the greater Glory of the Dear Leader.

If any of the 24 citizens of North Korea who are allowed to leave the country happen to see telecast of games throughout the rest of the World Cup tournament, pay no attention to the alleged “results.” The rest of the world has conspired to diminish the wonderful achievements of the DPRK by staging a simulated tournament for the rest of the teams and passing it off as the actual World Cup. Pay no attention to these bogus results, as they are merely the delusional myths of a world hell-bent on disgracing its True Savior. Consider the possibilities- either the entire world has staged an elaborate shadow tournament, convinced its players to risk their health for an illegitimate championship, and enlisted hundreds of thousands of fans to follow along with the charade, or we just lied in our national newspaper to make our shitty team look competent. Obviously, the giant, fake World Cup story is more plausible.

Also, Kim Jong-Il invented Vuvuzellas. Oh, those are annoying? Scratch that. Kim Jong-Il killed every Vuvuzella blower in South Africa with his bare hands 25 years ago, and they have only recently come back to soccer stadiums.

Don’t worry South Korea, you have done everything you could do

By Dr. Timothy P. Hannum

SEOUL- North Korea made waves this week when they sunk a South Korean battleship in international waters off of the countries’ mutual coast. Pyongyang subsequently became enraged when their southern neighbors formally accused them of the act and threatened retaliatory sanctions. Today, North Korea cut off all diplomatic relations with Seoul in protest of the sanctions. Furthermore, North Korea has promised to expel all South Korean diplomats after this most recent flare-up between the two feuding sibling countries.

To me, North Korea sinking the South Korean battleship was yet another in a long line of calls for help by the isolated country. As an expert in depression and anxiety, I see cases like this one all the time. It is not abnormal for a country to be dealing with difficult identity issues such as this, but make no mistake, the economy isn’t the only thing in North Korea that is depressed.

Think about it- North Korea has a long history of destructive and attention-getting behavior, and it’s not the type of diplomacy that one would expect from an emotionally stable nation. In addition to sinking South Korea’s ship just to get attention, North Korea also cut off ties with one of their closest relatives and became even more isolated than usual. That type of withdrawn behavior is evidence of deep emotional scarring, and may require years of therapy to rectify.

I don’t need to tell you that the pain of being cut off from your loved ones is great, but it pales in comparison to the damage done by some of the more physically destructive tendencies that severely depressed nations can sometimes experience. As many of you know, one manifestation of severe depression can be the tendency to starve oneself. North Korea has had an ongoing battle with such starvation over the years, from the widespread famine of the late 1990s, to the refusal of food aid from Western countries starting in 2002, to the World Food Program’s proclamation of “imminent danger” of famine conditions in recent years. Clearly, North Korea is suffering from some serious body image issues.

[LEFT- No, go south. You're not welcome here.]

Even though I have not had the opportunity to examine North Korea personally, the symptoms speak volumes about the country’s psychological condition. It has repeatedly shown itself to be ill-tempered, delusional, paranoid, and withdrawn. At times, it has shown hints of a messiah complex, which could be evidence of borderline personality disorder. These are issues that normal diplomacy could not begin to address.

If I was giving advice to South Korea, it would be to not blame yourself. There was nothing more that you could do. You provided a safe, nurturing environment for North Korea, but North Korea had problems that did not allow it to engage in that type of positive relationship. North Korea clearly needs professional help. Even though your efforts did not fix North Korea, you did what you could, and even though your actions caused pain to North Korea and yourself, they may have saved North Korea in the long run by encouraging it to get the help that it needs.

What I need you to do now, South Korea, is to be careful with North Korea, because it’s in one of the most delicate situations it has ever been in. North Korea is a bundle of emotions right now, and even though it has hurt you a lot in the last week, you need to remember that this is the sickness talking; North Korea doesn’t actually hate you, it doesn’t really want to blow up your battle ships, and it doesn’t want you out of its life forever, but now is not the time to seek retribution or try to get even for the destruction that it has caused. Instead, be thankful for what you have. In the half century since you and North Korea became independent, you have had the best economic growth density in the world, and you have the second highest math literacy rate in the world. That’s a lot to be proud of, and it proves that you are worthy of being loved, even if it’s by a short guy with a napoleon complex and some issues with gender roles.

Another thing you can do for me is to write North Korea a letter explaining all of the hurtful things that it has done to you. North Korea may not realize how much pain it has caused over the years because it has been so absorbed in its own problems. But if you sit down with North Korea and explain the ways in which it has hurt you, that will force North Korea to confront all of those problems directly.

Through counseling and the proper psychopharmacological regimen, I believe that North Korea can lead a healthy, productive life as a member of the global community. North Korea is going to have to take a long look in the mirror, set achievable goals, work through problems in a systematic and comprehensive way, and learn about the relationship between its behaviors and their consequences for itself and others. Through a deep and honest investigation of North Korea’s problems, we can get it to a place where it has a better sense of self-worth and can more fully enjoy its important relationships with the most important countries around it.

Dr. Timothy P. Hannum is a psychiatrist specializing in depression/anxiety and substance abuse issues. He is the author of the best selling self-help book Help You Help Me Help You, as well as the recently released follow-up Intervention on a Pension: Drug Abuse in the Silver Years. He can be reached on Twitter @DocRehab. His reality show, International Rehab All-Stars airs Tuesdays at 8 ET/5 PT on TruTV. Contact your local cable company for details.

Kim Jong-Il’s ego falls prey to Bill Clinton’s sycophantic mastery

By Donald Vegiton

PYONGYANG- Using his world-class suck-up skills, honed by years of kissing babies and trying to apologize for cheating on a cold, hard bitch, Bill Clinton successfully negotiated the release of two American journalists imprisoned in North Korea. Clinton’s meeting with Kim Jong-Il was marked by Clinton’s constant catering to the North Korean dictator’s expansive ego, a tactic which proved to fit the scenario like a pig in shit.

[RIGHT- Bill Clinton, manipulator extraordinaire]

Clinton began the trip by complimenting Kim’s handshake, a bit of flattery that made Kim giggle like a 13-year old girl getting hit on after her third Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade. From that point, Clinton knew that he had Kim eating out of the palm of his hand and proceeded to make the rest of his visit to the far-East more of a pleasure trip.

[RIGHT- "My, what large hands you have, Dear Leader!"]

The North Korean government imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling and sentenced them to 12 years hard labor. Most experts speculated that the motivation for the imprisonment was to engage the United States in bilateral talks, a longtime goal that the country only partially achieved due to the involvement of the former U.S. President. When Clinton initially heard of the imprisonment, a close aide told reporters that he overheard the former president muttering to himself, “is that the sassy Japanese girl from Channel 1 news? I bet she would give one hell of a sloppy BJ if I got her out of there." Clinton’s audible internal monologue continued, “I think those Asian chicks have sideways cooters, too. I’ve always wanted to see what that looks like. I hope she doesn’t have a big bush blocking the view, but I guess she probably didn’t get a chance to shave it into a sexy landing strip in Korean prison. Maybe I should bring her a razor…”

Shortly after his arrival, Kim took Clinton on a diplomatic tour of his palace, highlighted by a live sex show performed by enslaved citizens. Clinton described the show as “an atrocity; a wonderful, sexy atrocity that Americans should learn to embrace.” From there, negotiations progressed to the dinner table, where Clinton and Kim indulged in spit-fire dog, a delicacy which Clinton described as “melt in your mouth delicious.” All the while, Kim became more enchanted by the American’s faux-sincerity, as his misgivings about the Great Satan fell to the most basic trappings of American political sycophantism.

Clinton sealed the deal with Kim when he invited the totalitarian dictator to an irresistible evening of debauchery. He later recounted his final negotiating tactic to an assistant: “I said, ‘Now Kim, I just wanted to come here to get some of that sweet DPRK poon, but these guys won’t let me get after it until these prisoners are freed. What do you say we pretend some renegade judge let them out, you can have the judge murdered by a firing squad later for insubordination, we’ll go get some Courvoisier, smoke some Cubans, and we’ll find you some of those Swedish maids you like so much. That’s all I’m asking, Kim- let’s cut business time short so we can get to the bonin’.’ You see, every lie has to start with a shred of truth, or else he’ll never believe it. That lie worked because I really wanted to stop talking about hostages and start screwing his hot slaves. That’s the kind of sincerity that lays the groundwork for trust in a negotiation.”

Kim reportedly wanted no part of negotiations with President Barack Obama because he is, as one source put it, “terrified of black people.” Clinton, the archetypal congenial Southerner, was practically invented to manipulate someone as egotistical as Kim with his knack for making him feel manlier and more accomplished. Clinton’s tactics included referring to Kim’s palace as “one hell of a man cave,” asking for Kim’s expert opinion on his upcoming NFL fantasy draft- Kim likes Frank Gore as a second round sleeper-, and intentionally losing to Kim in a beer chugging contest, which was punctuated by a jubilant Kim yelling, “suck on dat, Birr Crinton!”

To the relief of many western diplomats, Clinton backed away from the nuclear option of returning filmmaker Shin Sang Ok, acclaimed and beloved director of Three Ninjas Kick Back, to North Korea. Shin spent 15 years in North Korean captivity after Kim’s security force kidnapped him from a South Korean restaurant. While under Kim’s supervision, Shin was forced to direct and produce Moria, a low-budget Godzilla rip-off that Kim thought would dispel negative stereotypes about his country. With North Korea on the receiving end of mountains of bad press, some insiders have suggested that Moria 2 may be in the works, and the script may rival Godsend for historical ineptitude. Clinton was therefore reluctant to return Shin to North Korean custody for fear that only he had the capability to engineer Kim's weapon of mass dullness.

[LEFT- Probably the wrong Kim and Clinton.]

Now that the journalists have been freed from their sentence of 12 years hard labor, it is unclear whether they will be required to continue working for Al Gore’s Current TV. Gore, it is said, runs the news network as a despot- he spends all of the company’s money on gaudy military demonstrations and leaves no money for food. He has taken to wearing Nehru jackets, combing his hair straight back, and has replaced his contacts with comically oversized glasses. Inside sources indicate that Gore’s presence may help ease Lee and Ling back into American society after their time in North Korea.

Clinton, a glutton for pleasure as well as a fantastic suck-up, said that he greatly enjoyed his trip, and would consider returning on unofficial business in the future. “Let me tell you,” Clinton said at a press conference at LAX airport, “any country that lets you be president forever, and forces women to have sex with you when you’re in office- that’s my kind of country. Maybe I was a little too hard on Kim when I was in office, but that guy’s got it all figured out.”