DPRK Footballers Achieve Great Victory over Brazilian Brown Devils: 1-2

By Sun Il-Moon, North Korean Director of Sports Propaganda

PYONGYANG- The proud DPRK soccer team brought great exaltation and glory to the Dear Leader this week with an astounding upset of heavily favored and evil behemoth Brazil in the World Cup. The tanned, round-eyed Satans used bribery to influence the unscrupulous referees

and their trickery resulted in two goals. Luckily, their two goals were not enough to overcome the brilliant effort by the DPRK team, led to a dazzling one to two victory by a goal in the 89^th minute.

National hero Ji Yun-Nam scored the single goal that was enough to overcome Brazil’s pair after he was granted the power to overcome the larger Brazilians- who, DPRK sources have learned, are all using illegal steroids- by Kim Jong-Il, who watched the game in his $200 million home theater. The Dear Leader is a great fan of soccer, and has played the game himself. He once led the DPRK to the World Cup championship in 1966 by scoring 37 goals in 7 games while playing goalie. He was also awarded the Man of the Match trophy in the tournament’s opening game, and subsequently won the Kim Jong-Il of the Match award in every other game. History books do not reflect the Dear Leader’s great triumph because they do not want to acknowledge such superiority from a man who did not

waste his entire life training for such a silly little sport. As a result, the Dear Leader has held the DPRK out of the tournament, until this year, when they traveled to South Africa to reclaim their prize.

[RIGHT- The DPRK football squad celebrates its most recent fake victory. Excuse me, transcendent victory.]

The match was characterized by the greedy, capitalist Brazilians dominating possession of the ball while the DPRK took only as much as they needed. The Brazilians also exhibited their inherent wasteful tendencies by taking an obscene 26 shots (10 on goal), while the DPRK chose to take a much more judicious 10 (2 on goal). All readers may note that the brilliant home eleven scored on a much higher percentage of their total shots and shots on goal, but you already knew that because you are Asian, and Asians are really good at math. To further demonstrate their chicanery, the filthy, stench-ridden Brazilians also garnered the match’s only yellow card since the North Korean team only attempts challenges that result in clean turnovers.

The DPRK team has faced more obstacles than imperialistic “officials” and deceitful opponents. Conditions in the deepest, darkest corner of the African continent have been vile and despicable, according to members of the team. Temperatures at game time reached only 34 degrees, a climate poorly fit for the hot blooded stars of the pitch from the Dearest Homeland. Star goalkeeper Ri Myong Guk lamented, “I cannot wait for when we win World Cup, so we can return to the flawless paradise that the Dear Leader has created in the DPRK.” To buffer their strength, the footballers have received increased rations of rice, so if you have been noticing a famine going around it is definitely because the soccer team got extra food. It has nothing to do with those giant platinum statues of Kim Jong-Il with the thick-rimmed glasses made out of emeralds and rubies that just went up in every town square in the country. No, it is just extra rations for the soccer team, so stop being so greedy and sacrifice for the greater glory of the communist state!

Next up in the DPRK’s inevitable march toward proving the dominance of the Korean people over all other races and ethnicities is an easy romp over Portugal. That devastating defeat will be especially triumphant for the DPRK because Portugal features Christiano Ronaldo, a forward often placed near the Dear Leader on lists of the sexiest men in the world. Ronaldo will not look so sexy as he sobs uncontrollably on the sidelines after learning his proper place in the world is in subservience to the DPRK’s Communist Party, not modeling underwear for Calvin Kline and trying to convince women of the world that his slender, sinewy figure is more attractive than the Dear Leader’s egg-shaped body covered in ill-fitting jumpsuits. After that match, the DPRK will roll through the Ivory Coast, one of the few countries in the tournament that does not try to gain an unfair advantage by drawing its squad from a far larger area than the DPRK. Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba will regret coming back early from a broken arm after this loss, and will learn that his exorbitant salary from club team Chelsea and his opulent lifestyle are no consolation for living a life of excess that does not serve the greater Glory of the Dear Leader.

If any of the 24 citizens of North Korea who are allowed to leave the country happen to see telecast of games throughout the rest of the World Cup tournament, pay no attention to the alleged “results.” The rest of the world has conspired to diminish the wonderful achievements of the DPRK by staging a simulated tournament for the rest of the teams and passing it off as the actual World Cup. Pay no attention to these bogus results, as they are merely the delusional myths of a world hell-bent on disgracing its True Savior. Consider the possibilities- either the entire world has staged an elaborate shadow tournament, convinced its players to risk their health for an illegitimate championship, and enlisted hundreds of thousands of fans to follow along with the charade, or we just lied in our national newspaper to make our shitty team look competent. Obviously, the giant, fake World Cup story is more plausible.

Also, Kim Jong-Il invented Vuvuzellas. Oh, those are annoying? Scratch that. Kim Jong-Il killed every Vuvuzella blower in South Africa with his bare hands 25 years ago, and they have only recently come back to soccer stadiums.

BP declares War on Oil Spill in last ditch effort to convince public they care

By Hector Chacin

GULF OF MEXICO-After enduring weeks of bad press and environmental degradation, BP has decided to ramp up its public relations campaign in response to the massive oil spill it caused in the Gulf of Mexico. BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward told reporters Wednesday that BP had declared its official campaign as the “War on the Oil Spill” in order to persuade a skeptical public that they are doing everything possible to staunch the cataclysmic effect of the spill. Hayward went on to note- for the benefits of its stockholders- that none of BP’s practices would change; he promised that they would continue spending as little money as possible on precautionary measures while engaging in extremely risky drilling practices, but that they would also put much more effort into making it sound like they care.

BP decided to use the PR technique of declaring War on the Oil Spill because it captures the imagination. According to Hayward, “People really like to hear violent military terminology when discussing mundane annoyances. We talk about annihilating sports teams, using the nuclear option in political campaigns, and even exterminating insects, so why not have a war on an oil spill?” Hayward went on to point out that the picture basically paints itself, since the environmentally toxic cleaning agent is named Top Kill and people already fear the oil because it is black.

[RIGHT- BP ships try to clean up some water in the middle of their beautiful Gulf of Oil.]

BP’s War on the Oil Spill is the most recent in a long line of Wars waged largely for PR purposes. In the 1960s, President Johnson declared a War on Poverty. Fifty years later, the income disparity in America has grown exponentially, but the upper class no longer feels bad about exploiting the poor. In the 1980s, President Reagan and his wife, Nancy, declared a War on Drugs in order to imprison black drug dealers so the white drug dealers would have easier access to the best turf. Noted social scientist Tupac Shakur questioned the motives of the War on Drugs, speculating that the government really launched the war so the police could bother him. Most recently, President Bush declared a War on Terror, which was initially marginally successful, but became sidetracked when the Saw movies were released and terrified everyone who saw them.

In addition to Hayward, BP’s officials have hurried to turn America against the oil spill in hopes that people will feel extremely proud of BP when the oil well runs dry and BP claims that it has successfully stopped the spill. In an official press release earlier today, BP described the oil as “a dangerous threat to the American way of life,” that wants to keep citizens from driving their cars or enjoying a day at the beach. They continued to say that, “Just to be clear, nothing is actually changing. If you are still reading this press release, we trust that you are smart enough to buy our stock. We know that 90% of the public will just read the headline and move on, so they will be comforted and pacified. But between you and me, we are not going to spend on dime on this cleanup effort.”

In reality, the oil spill is not so much a “spill” as it is an overpowering jet of oil that is exploding into the ocean. Scientists have said that BP has “spilled” oil in the same way that fire hoses “spilled” water on civil rights protesters in the 1960s. In fact, so much oil has been released into the ocean that economists have estimated that BP has lost over $5 billion. Additional, scientists say that the total amount of oil exceeds the Exxon Valdez spill off the coast of Alaska, which means that at least 270,000 barrels have spilled. Why we still measure the oil in barrels when it has spilled throughout the ocean is beyond me. Are the barrels going to siphon it out of the water? Does BP plan on putting it back into barrels at some point? That seems unlikely. In any case, with a possible $4,300 civil penalty for each barrel, the total losses to BP could total well over $6 billion, a cost so steep that Hayward has already volunteered to cut his vacation on his private island short by a week to save on servant costs.

Critics of the BP on the left have complained that the War on the Oil Spill isn’t about oil at all, but that BP has a hidden agenda to provide democracy and stability to the citizens of Iraq. Furthermore, some of argued that BP’s approach to stop the flow of the oil into the ocean is the same mistaken application of supply-side economics that doomed the War on Drugs. They argue that the water is to blame for allowing itself to be corrupted, and as long as the water is seeking out oil to be contaminated with, they will find a way to get it. Instead of trying to stop the water, they say, BP should be investing in rehabilitation for the water, as well as job programs and halfway ponds to re-acclimate the water to a normal environment.

Troublesome as the oil spill has been for all parties involved, there is at least one group that can breathe a sigh of relief. After engaging in a contentious election, the nation of Great Britain is extremely grateful that BP dropped the moniker British Petroleum when it expanded into the US market, as they are sure that Americans would find some way to blame them for it if there name was anywhere to be seen.