Shut the Fuck Up Hippie, Vol. 1: Corn Subsidies

With budget cuts a hot topic these days, I hear a lot of liberals complaining about the federal government’s farm subsidies, particularly subsidies given to corn farmers to make biofuels like ethanol. They say that farm subsidies function as a form of welfare for an extremely wealthy segment of the population, and that if we’re going to invest federal money in alternative energy sources, it should be something more efficient and progressive than ethanol. I get it. I see where you’re coming from, and I’ll admit that your premise kind of makes sense. On the other hand, why do you want to mess with farmers?

Seriously, is there any group of people who cause fewer problems than farmers? When was the last time you read a story about a robbery or an assault that ended with, “police are seeking a farmer for questioning,” or “the victim described the suspect as a farmer of average height wearing a black hoodie?” Farmers also pay a ton of money in taxes. When things are good, they can make millions. When things are bad, the government pays them enough so it evens out. Yeah, that’s not particularly efficient, but if farmers never cause any problems, isit such a bad thing to reward them for it?

[RIGHT- This guy has the idea, saving the environment, one drag race at a time.]

Nothing costs the government more than healthcare, and farmers don’t cost the government a dime in healthcare expenditures. In fact, farmers don’t even get medical attention when they actually need it. A farmer is likely to cut off his finger in a tractor in the morning, then put it on ice until he has time to deal with it at the end of the day. Even then, instead of going to the emergency room, he’ll just lash it back on with some twine and duct tape, and never complain about it. It is not worth messing with these people; it will not end well.

Plus, it’s not like farmers are selfishly hoarding all of the country’s resources and not giving anything back. I would be willing to bet that farmers serve in the military at a higher rate than any other portion of the population. Think about it, every time you’ve ever talked to someone who was in a war, or seen a war documentary on TV, they have started every war story with “a guy I served next to in the trenches was just a regular old farm boy from Mississippi.” Or Iowa. Or Missouri. But not California because all they grow there is bottles of wine to drink at their nipple-rubbing parties. Think about that. Everyone who has ever been to war served next to somebody from a farm. How many people do you know who are farmers? Unless you are reading this on a dial-up connection, you can probably count the number on your limbs, which means less than five, unless you are deformed. Say you know 400 people. That means about one out of every 100 people you know is a farmer. But if you’re in the army, one out of every TWO people you know is a farmer! And maybe the guys on both sides were farmers! Do the math people: farmers are 50 times more likely to serve in the military. Giving them subsidies is a small price to pay for that patriotic allegiance.

Penn Jillete was complaining about corn subsidies. That obese fucker needs to shut his gaping asshole of a mouth before another piece of shit squirts out. His mouth needs to clamp shut as a last minute intervention to save his heart from another Orville Redenbacher butter lover’s blitzkrieg or to prevent him from embarrassing himself by reminding us that magicians don’t get to have opinions. I don’t care. Either way. As long as he’s as silent as his mute boyfriend Teller, it’s really six of one and a half dozen of the other.

Maybe the worst part about the people who complain about biofuels is that they think they have to live the lifestyle and they buy a Vespa. Now every time I’m stopped at a traffic light, some bitch on a pink moped with a matching pastel helmet is four inches from my bumper and I can’t pick my nose because she could reach out and slap my hand away since she’s so close to my car. What are you trying to prove on that piece of trash vehicle? You top out at about 30 MPH, which means you can never go more than eight blocks from home, so good luck living your cosmopolitan lifestyle when you’re trapped in one square mile. And I don’t care if you get 435 kilometers to the litre, which you say to show everyone that you like soccer and crepes. You can also get pretty good mileage by walking, but that’s also slow and inconvenient, so we invented cars. Stop trying to drag me back in time.

I am not trying to say that ethanol is a cure-all for energy problems. I’m not even saying it’s a good thing, but it’s not worth fighting about. Think of it this way: imagine that there are three friends together at a bar. One is an alcoholic prone to drunken rampages, one is a straight-edge ninny, and the other one is a normal guy. The lush is trying to get everyone to do tequila shots with him at 7 PM, and the normal guy sees the writing on the wall and tries to convince him to stick to beer for the night. Everything is going great until the ninny starts rattling off stupid stats like, “you know, 70% of all DUIs come from people who had only been drinking beer.” Now the drunk guy is getting a look in his eye because he thinks he’s going to get to start drinking tequila again. The normal guy sees the problem emerging and nudges the ninny saying something like “can you shut up for a minute? I’m trying to keep him from getting incredibly wasted and starting a fight!” But now it’s too late and the guy has a double shot of Patron in his gut and he’s yelling at some Puerto Rican guys to go back to Mexico, all because the whiny guy couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. That is like our situation with ethanol. No, it’s not perfect, and it could still get our friend the gas guzzler incredibly fucked up, but it’s better than what we have now, and maybe it can get us moving in the right direction. So for that, I say Shut the Fuck Up, Hippie.

NBA Star Kris Humphries Weds Sex Robot in Lavish Ceremony

By Tamela Esposito

HOLLYWOOD- The glitterati were out in Los Angeles this weekend to witness the historic and luxurious wedding of reality TV’s favorite couple: New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries and the government-funded, semi-sentient sex robot known commonly as “Kim Kardashian.” Over 400 guests attended KimBot’s ceremony and reception, which included performances by Earth, Wind, and Fire and popular robo-crooner Robin Thicke.

It came as a slight surprise to many to learn that the reality starlet was not actually human, but a complex robotic device designed to optimize male arousal. On the other hand, KimBot’s fans have long been wary of the fact that she never displays anything resembling a human emotion. Furthermore, her communication takes place mostly through Twitter, which gives her intricate central processor time to parse the complicated nuance of human language before responding.

Years after KimBot came into the public eye, many wondered why the federal government chose this time to marry it off and reveal to the public that it is not human. Some speculate that it was a calculated effort by the Obama administration to pressure the state of California to reform its marriage laws. Under that logic, the government would have to fear the public backlash against vacating the marriage license more than the outcry over violating the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, which is probably an accurate reading of public sentiment. Others have said that the government chose to allow KimBot to marry at the behest of the newly-formed debt committee who saw how many tens of millions of dollars could be brought in
through sponsorships and decided it was probably time for politicians to stop passing KimBot around Washington like this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. Still others believe that

President Obama engineered the union as a way to get closer to Humphries and fulfill his lifelong dream of hanging out with NBA players.

[LEFT: An earlier and less convincing prototype of the robobride.]

Details about the development of KimBot have also come to light as part of the governmen

t’s revelation. Project Kardashian began as a top secret Cold War espionage experiment in which the CIA sought to develop a robot spy that could seduce Soviet leaders and gain their confidence with no risk of defection. When the Cold War ended before the project had matured to completion, the fleet of sex bots (including the beta version with code name “Kourtney”) were stashed in southern California to undergo further testing without their appearance becoming conspicuous. When the sex bots reached maturity, they became so dangerous that the government had to put someone in charge who had the physical and mental prowess needed to keep them from exploiting their powers for evil. For that task, the CIA tracked down Olympic hero and American icon Bruce Jenner, who has served as their overseer ever since.

Years later, KimBot found her way into the tabloid pages for befriending once-famous socialite Paris Hilton (shockingly not a robot) and appearing in a sex tape with R&B star Ray J. The sex tape was actually part of another series of government experiments to determine whether the sex bots were equipped to handle the rigors of being used to spy on African-American politicians, if necessary. When the tapes were accidentally leaked, the government had to buy off Ray J by guaranteeing him a VH1 reality show for the rest of his life.

[RIGHT- OK magazine begs the question: can robots dream?]

KimBot’s powers have also been seen in professional sports, as many of its mates have achieved great athletic success when dating it. Reggie Bush won a Super Bowl with KimBot in the stands, and Miles Austin and Kris Humphries had breakout seasons while dating it, all because KimBot emits a testosterone-laden pheromone to induce attraction that serves a dual purpose as a performance enhancing drug. KimBot has tended to date athletes because they are the only segment of the population vacuous and self-centered enough not to notice that their partner is not human.

KimBot’s “sister” Kourtney is an earlier model of Project Kardashian that was not as highly developed, while Khloe is not actually a sex robot. Khloe, though, was also the product of a government experiment- one where a hybrid of a hyena and a horse went horribly wrong- and the feds had no better place to keep her without frightening children.

Politicians seek to improve economy as fundraising season looms

By Francis LaViolette

GREENWICH- Politicians nationwide have started to express apprehension about the upcoming fundraising season as the nation’s economy continues to sputter. Fundraisers attribute the uneasy feeling to both the fear of the unknown and the harsh realization that the halcyon days of advertising bombardment may be a thing of the distant past.

Politicians running for office in 2012 have noticed a steady decline in the number and amount of donations coming from all sources. Private donors, who usually account for a large percentage of small donations, are less numerous than in the past. Perhaps more troublesome is the fact that corporate donors- historically a reliable bell cow for campaign spending- have expressed uncertainty about the economic and political climate. As a result, many large companies are holding onto cash, which is resulting in what economists call a “supply gap” in the political fundraising market.

[LEFT- Politicians are reaching out to all types of potential donors to fill in the gaps.]

Market analysts point out that potential election donors are worried about their potential return on investment in the political system. In the past, campaign donations have reliably yielded a steady 6% yearly return over the subsequent election cycle, occasionally spiking into double figures through targeted tax breaks, industry deregulation, and old-fashioned kickbacks. Today, despite low interest rates, election investors are worried that decades of political largesse may have created a grease money bubble where donors have over-leveraged themselves. They worry that political resources may be tapped: that tax rates and corporate welfare cannot get any more favorable without destroying the market altogether. Furthermore, partisan bickering- once seen as a necessary façade to make the process appear legitimate- has become an unwanted nuisance that gets between corporations and their government entitlements.

The candidates, for their part, are doing everything in their power to create a donation-friendly climate. For instance, many Congressmen who initially opposed health care reform are now pushing to implement requirements that all Americans purchase health insurance before the end of the year. Pundits have noted that those pushing for expedition are located in districts heavily populated by the insurance industry and could be chasing down donations from insurance companies who will be flush with donation cash from all of the new business guaranteed by the legislation.

With such a divisive election sure to come, everyone understands that it is important to get a head start in political fundraising. Without a substantial war chest, it would be impossible for a candidate to run a thorough negative campaign against his or her adversary. A good smear campaign requires calculated leaks to the media, suggestive TV and radio ads with enough double meaning potential to maintain some plausible deniability, and outright slander from political action committee hacks. If a candidate is not able to start the negative campaign process soon, there may not be enough time to complete the full arc of attacks, which may leave voters with an incomplete hatred of one candidate or another when going to the polls. The potential for disaster is especially large in an election year that includes so many fringe candidates. Imagine, for example, if voters are still hearing messages about Michelle Bachman’s husband being secretly gay during the general election. That message might play to the Republican base, but independent voters would be much more likely to turn against her for general incompetence or whatever corruption scandal her opponents fabricate between now and the election.

Donations have been so hard to come by that some politicians have had to find creative ways to line their coffers leading up to the election. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney recently found himself in hot water for receiving $1 million from an untraceable and non-existent corporation. Romney blamed the incongruity on the bad economic conditions saying, “I would have never had to make up this imaginary shady donor if my regular, actual shady donors had enough cash to bankroll my dead end campaign.” Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has been able to keep his head above water by soliciting lump-sum donations from his state’s powerful coal lobby. It is not yet known whether the “lump of coal” payment is an actual donation or an ironic mockery of his performance in office.

Perhaps the hardest hit by the fundraising shortfall has been the Tea Party, whose candidates have been consistently flabbergasted by their constituency’s irrational insistence that they stay within their modest election budgets. Their democratic counterparts, conversely, have continued to spend lavishly in hopes that the election will pay for itself in the long run.

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

[RIGHT: Boehner bored to tears by debt ceiling talks and most other things.]

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

Jim Tressel's Apology to the Buckeye Faithful

By Jim Tressel

I would like to begin by apologizing to all of the fans of The Ohio State University. While we are very proud of what we accomplished as a football program over the last 11 years, I have now brought disgrace and shame to a once proud institution. Whatever it is that I did wrong, my advisors have assured me that it is much worse than when Woody Hayes attacked an opposing player during a game, and for that, I have the gravest of regrets.

My time at Ohio State has been a roller coaster ride. When I began, I did not think there was any way I would be able to fulfill the sky-high expectations that the program had for me. When we started winning one Big Ten title after another, I thought that life could not possibly get any better. Over the last few months, I have experienced the lows that correspond to those previous highs. When I was in the staff cafeteria last week, the school's mascot would not even say hello to me, and I couldn't help but thinking to myself, “Et tu, Brutus?” But then I realized that my career and my life were crumbling around me, and I should probably focus on something other than making a bad Shakespeare pun.

[RIGHT: The vest's the thing!]

The reason I am writing this letter to Buckeye Nation is not to make excuses for my actions. It is to explain what really happened- to shed light on a mysterious situation so everyone can know how our program went from being one of the most revered in the nation to being tarnished by impropriety. The fall is not the responsibility of the players. It is not the fault of the boosters, nor is it the fault of the University administrators. No, the fault lies with my trademark sweater vest. Once the sweater vest gets its tentacles in you, it is a parasite that dominates your entire life. It will take your well-intentioned plans and your moral rectitude and wipe its ass with them. It is a horrible beast, and it deserves all of the blame for the fall of the Ohio State football program.

Things were not always this bad for me. When I started out, I thought the sweater vest was just a professional garment that would garner respect from the players while simultaneously displaying my team spirit. For many years, it worked wonderfully. I was able to keep all of the negative side effects and the temptations that go with the sweater vest at bay. I wore sweater vests dating back to my time at Youngstown State. Those days look so innocent now. Who knew that it could have been the root of something so vile and reprehensible? We were known as the Penguins, for crissakes!

But the sweater vest is a greedy and desirous mistress. The sweater vest will never leave well enough alone. Even if I was able to win a 1-AA National Championship and move on to be the coach of one of the nation's great programs, the sweater vest always pushed for more, more, more. In many ways, the sweater vest is like heroin, because you always think that you are so close to where you want to be, but you never get there. In another way, it is like one of those weird science fiction movies where the villain invents a brain control device and makes the hero do evil things, even though the hero's friends don't know that he is being controlled by the villain. Yes, I realize that I just described the plot to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, but I don't deserve to be compared to Indiana Jones these days. The sweater vest, though, bears more than a passing resemblance to that freaky voodoo priest kid, at least in his sinister ways.

For a very long time, I thought that I could keep wearing the sweater vest but control its evil powers. Sometimes, I would put a windbreaker over it so my reliance wouldn't be so obvious, but my friends could always tell when I was using the sweater vest. They told me that I was more aggressive, more cutthroat, and not my usual, thoughtful self whenever I put it on. Hell, when I first found out that my star quarterback Terrelle Pryor was receiving illegal benefits from a car dealership, I wanted to immediately suspend him and report the story to the rules committee. But before I knew it, the sweater vest had me forwarding the emails to Pryor's advisor so he could try to cover up the story before the NCAA would find out and cause us to lose our star player for a big game. A lot of people said it seemed fishy that all the players who broke the rules were allowed to play in our bowl game last year and had their suspensions delayed until the following year for lower-profile games. Do you think I didn't realize that? I'm not a complete moron. I know that everything I was doing was completely hypocritical and dishonest, but that's just the way people act when they wear the sweater vest.

I'm not the first person to fall victim to the curse of the sweater vest. Look at Bobby Knight. Everyone that knows the guy says he is an upstanding and exemplary human being. He even started his career at West Point. He was able to recruit star players for a system that deemphasized individual achievement because the players' parents knew that he was a great role model. Even Bobby Knight eventually lost control of the sweater vest, though, and saw his career come crashing down as he berated officials, choked his own players, and threw chairs at referees. Enough is never enough with the sweater vest. Just ask Bobby Knight.

Some people would say that my career has unraveled over the past several months. If only it was that easy. If this sweater vest had unraveled, I would have been left with an Ohio State polo shirt and a solid, respectable program. Sure, we wouldn't have had the same level of success and we would have gone back to the 7-5 days of John Cooper. The sweater vest can take you far in life. Almost to the top. It can take a bunch of slow white guys from Ohio and Michigan and get them all the way to a BCS bowl year after year where they get crushed by more athletic SEC teams. But is it worth it? Is all the glory of getting to the Fiesta Bowl every year and being disemboweled by Florida or LSU really worth it? Even wise men will never know the true answer to that question.

The bottom line is that I have learned my lesson from this disaster. I now know that the sweater vest is not the way to build a great football program. I have learned that trying to give players improper benefits then covering your tracks will never take you to the top of the mountain. The only way to build a truly great college football team is through hard work, dedication, and openly, unapologetically paying the best players to come to your school, like Auburn did to win the national championship.

If the country takes anything away from this experience, I hope it is this: young coaches may think that they have control of the sweater vest, and they may think that they are able to reach the pinnacle of their profession with the help of that damned piece of clothing, but at the end of the day, no one is immune to the evil powers of the sweater vest. If you wear it long enough, it will corrupt you, and you will become as evil as the shirt that you wear on the sidelines.

HGTV's Scott McGillivray named 'Greatest Living Canadian'

OTTAWA- Scott McGillivray, host of HGTV's marginally popular home renovation show “Income Property” was voted 2011's Greatest Living Canadian by members of the prestigious Canadian Media Guild. McGillivray, a first-time recipient of the award, ended the 31 year run at the CMGs by hockey player and demi-God Wayne Gretzky. Musicians Gordon Lightfoot and Alex Lifeson, wrestler-singer-dancer-game show host Chris Jericho and current Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper rounded out the top six.

[RIGHT- Scott McGillivray has made Canada proud by turning real estate into real income.]

Representatives from the CMG said that the organ-i-zaytion was proud to bestow the honor on McGillivray, who has raised the profile of Canada with his useful tips and tricks around the house. In a press release following the announcement of the award, the CMG cited McGillivray's dedication to open-concept living/dining areas, as well as his creative work in difficult crawl spaces as two accomplishments that separated him from the rest of the field. Furthermore, the CMG pointed out that McGillivray's 1998 sense of style and the fact that he tirelessly stretches out vowel sounds in words like “progress” and “about” both contributed positively to Canadian culture at home and abroad over the last year.

Terry Miller, a newspaper columnist for McGillivray's hometown Brampton Guardian,championed the host's candidacy with the CMG. “I can only speak for myself, but McGillivray and the CMGs seem to go together like french fries and poutine, like maple syrup and sex, or like peanut butter and something else that Canadians stereotypically love,” Miller said in a speech to the assembled CMG. “It is hard to estimate how many times he has directly impacted my life, such as the time when I was preparing to install new tile in my den and hadn't even considered a sealant layer to prevent moisture from seeping between my wood floor boards and the tile until Scott explained it on 'Income Property.' It was the kind of advice that would make any Canadian want to salute him. Plus, I would go gay for him.”

Impressive as McGillivray's accomplishments on “Income Property” are, his resume does not end there. McGillivray earned an honors degree from the University of Guelph in marketing management, and is now the fourth most popular search term on Google that begins with “Scott Mc.” Additionally, McGillivray runs an online consulting business named the Lifetime Wealth Academy that may or may not be a pyramid scheme where poor saps fork over cash in exchange for promises of secret real estate strategies that are really just common sense that anyone could execute if they started with enough capital. Perhaps most impressively, McGillivray has an achieved an exact duplicate of the haircut sported by Creed's Scott Stapp in the video for “Arms Wide Open.”

[LEFT- Scott Stapp tries to convince those last few holdouts that he is a huge douche.]

Despite McGillivray's heroic status in Canadian pop culture, some dissenters remain. Actor and comedian Dan Aykroyd accused McGillivray of being a bad role model and an even worse patriot. “If you watch McGillivray's show, he never mentions that he is in Canada. He never says the name of a single city because he doesn't want to alienate viewers down in Buffalo or Syracuse. What does he have to hide? I think McGillivray is a fraud and a disgrace and a fraud,” Britney Spears's co-star from Crossroads told newspaper reporters. “He also makes Canada look even more low-class than it really is. When he does a virtual preview of his remodeling jobs, the graphics are so poor that he looks like a character from Tron. Not the new Tron, the one from 1982, which, I believe, is also the year when he bought his cutoff t-shirts.”

[RIGHT- Dan Aykroyd hasn't been this sure of anything since he wrapped the pilot for Soul Man.]

McGillivray accepted the honor gracefully, explaining to reporters that, “some people will obviously say that homeimprovement is not as important as helping the poor and needy, or keeping Canada peaceful. But the reason that I dedicate myself to my work every day is that I think of home improvement as the greatest humanitarian cause. I'm in the trenches every day, fighting battles against enemies like bad insulation. You know what happens when insulation goes bad? Houses start to lose heat, and the owners have to burn more oil to keep themselves warm. When we waste heating oil, we're creating a demand for more foreign oil, which everyone knows funds terrorism. I'm not saying that I have done as much to fight terrorism as Seal Team 6, but I'm definitely in the conversation. I deserve this award. Oh, and I've got a great Canadian joke for Dan Aykroyd. Knock knock. Who's there. Go fuck yourself, Dan Aykroyd.”