Conditioner Is By Far the Best Buy In the Toiletries Aisle

By Terry Engram

TOLEDO- More often than not, when I run out of a bathroom necessity, I become irrationally annoyed, bordering on maniacal. Toothpaste tortures you for weeks before finally running out. You can squeeze from the bottom, roll up the tube, scrape just enough off of the side of the nozzle to brush your teeth, or even resort to fishing out a pair of pliers to forestall the new tube for one more day. Floss is even worse because you never know when it’s about to run out, so you spend a month wondering when it will finally spin off of the center wheel, leaving you with enough to thread between your teeth and wrap around one finger, but not both, so it slips off your fingers every time you move to a new tooth. Then you’re left with the dilemma of rearranging the next day around a trip to the store or waiting until the next grocery run and letting your gums swell up so bad that you bleed like a hockey player by the time you finally have some floss. The worst of all may be contact solution. It always feels like you have about a week left when you hear that sickening sucking noise where the last bit of solution turns to obnoxious bubbles. What are you supposed to do at that point, spit it in the contact case? Sleep in your contacts? If you use tap water, the chlorine will make your eyes feel like a six year old’s urine decomposing in a public pool. Then you go to the store and the cheapest bottle of solution is $9 for the size of a can of Coke. The store brand of “saline” solution is $2.50, but there must be some reason it’s so much cheaper, and since we’re talking about eyes, the prospect of going blind is enough to make me spend the extra money, but not enough to make me feel good about it.

But there is one toiletry that doesn’t make me want to strangle domestic pets when I have to buy a refill. In fact, the contrast between the value of this toiletry and all others makes me feel perversely satisfied every time I get in the shower. The toiletry to which I am referring, of course, is conditioner. A bottle of conditioner costs about $1.19 and it lasts for three or four months. You can see through the translucent bottle, so even though you use the conditioner every day, you know exactly when you’re about to run out. It makes your hair feel great after you use it, your hair looks better, and it is more manageable, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Buying a good conditioner is not a given, though. It takes careful planning and decisive action to get the right conditioner. For one, if you’re not careful, you could end up with some fruity smelling conditioner that will make everyone in your office wonder why your desk smells like the body spray that you get at Claire’s. I call this problem the “Passionfruit Sunrise Dilemma.” Personally, I usually go with more of a subtle, neutral scent, something along the lines of vanilla or coconut. Also, not everybody is going to use the same kind of $1.19 conditioner that works so well for me. If you’re using my bargain bin Suave and you look like Crystal Gayle, you’re probably going to end up looking like Cousin Itt met the business end of an electrical socket.

[RIGHT- Crystal Gayle provided hair care inspiration to hundreds of home-schooled children nationwide.]

Those 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner combos don’t even get a foot in the door. Seriously, they suck worse than Andy Dick at a Jonas Brothers concert after downing three Mike’s Hard Lemonades. My God, can you image the hangover you would get if you just drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade all the time? They should make a special express lane at IHOP for those people, because I don’t think the rest of the world even wants to see what that hangover looks like. If I was in that position, I might feel the same way about those econo-size jugs of Tylenol from Costco as I do about conditioner.

But I digress. My point is that 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioners do not clean nor condition your hair. It’s like they just put random leftover sludge in the bottle, like the hot dog of hair care products. If your hair is too dry, you assume there’s too much shampoo. If it’s too oily, you assume there’s too much conditioner. Either way, there’s nothing you can do other than throw away the last 97% of the bottle and hope you do better the next time. You can’t always consolidate two steps into one to speed things up. You can’t stretch and run at the same time without falling down and eating shit. You can’t cook dinner and wash the dishes together without soaping up your food and getting dysentery. And you can’t eat and drink simultaneously without choking; I’ve tried- it’s a complete disaster.

I guess when it comes down to it, Billy Madison was onto something when he pointed out just how valuable conditioner really is. No matter what havoc is going on in my life, I can take comfort in knowing that every morning, I can get in the shower and see a translucent beacon of precious efficiency that will never let me down. And that is why conditioner is undoubtedly the best buy in the toiletry aisle.

America’s Support for Michelle Obama’s Arms Sags

By Danielle Weatherford

WASHINGTON- Nearly a year after assuming her role as First Lady, Michelle Obama is facing a national crisis of confidence regarding her toned, sexy arms. With twelve months of sleeveless tops and no end in sight to the country’s tough economic and political times, many Americans are questioning whether they should have ever put so much faith in Michelle Obama’s arms in the first place.

In a recent Fox News opinion poll, only 38% of a random sample described Obama’s arms as “alluring” or “very alluring,” down from 61% following her husband’s election and a peak of 67% shortly after his inauguration. Conversely, polls indicate that support for a random set of disembodied Republican arms has surged from a 23% nadir to a recent zenith of 42%. While most of the improved support arises out of the Republicans’ improved mobilization of obese independents, there has also been a small amount of movement among Michelle Obama’s arms’ base of personal trainers and tri-athletes.

In addition to Michelle Obama’s arms’ failure to fix the healthcare industry or decrease the unemployment rate, the Republican Party deserves some credit for their shrinking popularity. Over the last year, the GOP has mounted an aggressive and far-reaching campaign against her arms that has employed everything from public smear tactics to draconian legislative procedures aimed at staunching the fervor over her sinewy limbs. Last week on Fox News Sunday, for instance, House Minority Leader John Boehner said that Michelle Obama’s arms, “don’t have the experience or the people skills to bring America together,” adding that “they look nice, but I don’t think they can even unite more than two people, let alone an entire country.” Broadcaster Brit Hume agreed, saying that Michelle Obama’s arms won’t regain their former stature until they stop embracing dumbbells and start embracing their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even Senator Joe Lieberman, the erstwhile Democrat, delivered a veiled jab recently when he said that her arms, “are certainly not what we were led to believe they would be.”

[LEFT- Michelle Obama doesn't take tickets to her gun show- the 24" pythons are on display all day, every day.]

One criticism about Michelle Obama’s arms is that she was less than forthcoming about her workout plan from the early stages. At first, she sought to empower people to find their own workouts that best fit with their own biochemistry. Over time, though, it has become apparent that the rousing power of Michelle Obama’s arms cannot withstand a shroud of secrecy. She recently outlined her program to CNN- 5 different exercises with lightweight dumbbells for 15 minutes five times a week and high intensity cardio for 20 minutes three times a week-, but it may be too late. The toned, sexy arms that seemed inspirational a year ago have started to frustrate many women who have found that they cannot replicate her look without bulking up to bodybuilder size or taking anabolic steroids. Also, many out-of-shape women who have already broken their new year’s resolutions have criticized her for showing too much skin and “showing off” by wearing sleeveless gowns in subzero temperatures.

[RIGHT- Obama poses for notoriously steroid-friendly fitness rag Vogue.]

While Michelle Obama’s arms’ supporters say that many of the nation’s challenges were out of her hands, so to speak, detractors have pointed out that little has changed in a year despite lofty campaign promises. Many commentators have argued that the White House would have been more prepared to respond to the Christmas Day Bomber if she had not been doing dips all morning, while others have said that she has not worked hard enough, citing her inability to “strong-arm” the Republican minority into a compromise on healthcare. Televangelist Pat Robertson has seen wider-ranging implications. “If God wanted our womenfolk to look like men, he would have made Eve look like Steve. I talked to God just last week, and he pointed out to me that there was never a Haitian earthquake that killed 100,000 people before Michelle Obama’s arms were in power.”

President Obama has faced a similar struggle to maintain the groundswell of support he built up over his year on the campaign trail. As the recession has dragged on, Americans have been eager to blame those currently in power, but the President says it is not fair to levy all of the blame on his administration. “We have made great strides in the last year, but of course we could have done more,” the President told reporters in the Rose Garden this week. “I have to do a better job of bringing people together, and my advisors have to continue getting our message out to the people, but most of all, my wife’s arms need to start living up to the hype. Literally, I cannot think of a single thing that her arms have done to help the country since I have been in office despite the inordinate amount of attention they receive.”

What’s next for Michelle Obama’s arms? Physiological historians point out that first ladies often face a loss of support during their first year in office, but that has not stopped some pundits from pointing out that her arms might be vulnerable to Sarah Palin’s legs in 2012. Palin, who recently signed a deal with Fox News to work as a host for the channel, has reestablished herself in the national spotlight and has not ruled out the possibility of putting her pencil skirts against Michelle’s tank tops in the next election cycle. On the other hand, Michelle Obama’s arms can take solace in the fact that they are in much better than many of their predecessors. They are certainly in a better position than Barbara Bush’s jowls in 1989, and they are in another league altogether from Hilary Clinton’s thighs.

Why Can’t People Just Be Stupid Anymore?

By Ralph Appleton

BEVERLY HILLS- As many of you may know, autism rates have soared in parts of Southern California in recent years. In fact, the most recent generation of babies is four times more likely to be diagnosed with autism in certain suburbs of Los Angeles than any other part of California, let alone the country. What I don’t understand is why we have to take something perfectly normal, like stupidity, and start making excuses for it.

Back in my school days, there were plenty of kids around the school who were just stupid. There was Timmy who ate dirt during recess; there was Jessie, the fat girl who wore the same dolphin shirt to school every day; even Brad, the giant kid who freaked out when anyone touched his head. Now, these kids were a little bit weird, and the probably finished high school with a GPA around 1.7, but they spent their days learning how to behave around normal people rather than having their tapioca pudding fed to them by two dropouts from the teachers’ college with bad perms and high-water jeans like the kids who had to be strapped down to avoid swallowing their own tongues. Did Timmy, Jessie, or Brad go on to become Nobel or Pulitzer Prize winners? Of course not- I’m sure they’re stuck somewhere between part-time employee at the local library and working their way up to weekend shift-supervisor at Wendy’s. But my point is that they were treated like normal people, and they learned to behave at least somewhat like normal people.

These days, the first time a kid drools on himself or shows the signs of a lazy eye, his parents rush him to the local child psychologist who has no choice but to give the most aggressive diagnosis possible in order to avoid liability when the little idiot shoves a fork into the toaster out of curiosity. The parents are depressed and go through the motions of being in denial- don’t get me wrong, I would be pissed if I had a retard baby, but I also wouldn’t go out of my way to get him classified as such- while they secretly feel relieved that biology has excused any mistakes they made. Diagnosing the kid with autism takes the parent off the hook, you see, because there was never anything that could have been done to prevent the kid from being stupid.

[RIGHT- Dumb kid, or autistic kid?]

So now we’re left with a whole society of developmentally disabled kids who need thousands of dollars in government services in order to become disabled adults who need thousands of dollars in government services. Can someone explain to me how this is better than just letting them be the dumb kids in class? Don’t try to make it a stigma thing, because I assure you that there’s no worse stigma in 7th grade than being retarded. Well, unless you’re the kid who had to do a math problem on the board with an obvious boner- that might be worse. There are plenty of parts of the country, and even parts of California, where the first inclination is not to run to the doctor to get the kid diagnosed with autism to make it look like his stupidity is not the parents’ responsibility. Florida’s 4.2% rate of autism diagnosis makes California’s double digits look absurd- is there really something in the water that’s making all of our kids retarded? No, Florida just has the good sense to teach these kids to grow up to be unemployed adults in wife beaters who live in motor homes with a full set of ratty furniture in the front yard- meth addiction optional. So maybe Florida doesn’t have it all figured out, but at least they’re not wasting millions of dollars treating people who could contribute to society in some way. As the great Judge Smails once said, the world needs ditch diggers too.

Some people like to blame vaccines for the high rates of autism in California, even though the studies that initially suggested that hypothesis have been completely debunked. Even if there is a 1 out of 10,000 chance that a kid gets autism because of taking a vaccine, society decided a long time ago that the risk is preferable to everyone having mumps. Have you ever had mumps? No, so I don’t want to hear you bitching about it. If that were the case, then the rates of autism would be the same everywhere. It’s not the stripper with the GED in Jacksonville who is worried about the vaccination risks; it’s the uptight housewife in Glendale who saw Jenny McCarthy and her retard baby on The View. And guess which location has higher rates of autism. That’s right! The ones who have the vaccinations! Not only do the kids with vaccinations not have autism, they also don’t have mumps, so shut the fuck up.

It’s not just stupidity that’s being explained away by junk medicine. Think back to when you were in school. I guarantee there was a fat kid in your class who faced relentless teasing every time he tried to eat. Maybe it made him develop a sense of humor, maybe it helped him grow a thicker skin, or maybe it caused irreparable emotional harm. In any case, that kid does not exist today. Instead, there are third-graders suffering from diabetes. That’s not an excuse for being fat! Diabetics are old people with compression socks for their swollen ankles, giant wrap-around sunglasses, and 8-volt Rascal scooters, not kids who eat too much cake. Get your kid to stop playing Call of Duty and drinking Fresca a couple afternoons a week and send him to the YMCA and see how his diabetes are doing then.

Maybe I’m getting off topic here. My point is that people need to stop freaking out and finding a medical diagnosis for everything that goes wrong in life. Sometimes you have kids who turn out to be smart, sometimes you have kids who turn out to be stupid, and sometimes you have kids who turn out to be completely fucking Rahm Emanuel. The sooner we accept that, they better off we will all be. And the mindset that every stupid kid must have some medical diagnosis to legitimate his condition is, in a word, retarded.

Sunshine Doughnuts Workers Strike for Share of Swollen Profits

By Tamara Wynn

DoughnutGate 2010
OMG Teh Newz Continuing CoverageFor more on DoughnutGate 2010, click here

COLORADO SPRINGS- The nation turned its attention back to Colorado Springs this week as the city’s Sunshine Doughnuts bakery became the focal point of another economic furor. Sunshine Doughnuts, which received extensive scrutiny in October for raising the price of its day-old doughnuts from $0.20 to $0.25, has begun to feel the effects of the price change. While the 25% price increase on day-olds created windfall profits for owner Tom Shleby and his family, but with great power comes great responsibility, and Shelby’s growing business has created labor strife on a scale which Sunshine Doughnuts have never experienced before.

Tensions came to a head this week when Sunshine Doughnuts night manager Darren Phillips rounded up all of the store’s part-time employees and persuaded them to demand higher wages in response to the business’ growing revenues. “The situation we have here is that these corporate fat cats are getting rich off of our blood, sweat, and tears and we’re not seeing our share of the profits!” Phillips railed at the rowdy rabble of Sunshine bakers, consisting of six students from the community college, a burnout who got fired from the post office, and two Guatemalans who work off the books. “It’s not right, it’s not fair, and it’s not right! Obama promised us change, but if he’s not going to give it to us, then we’re going to have to get it ourselves! We’ve got bills to pay, and mouths to feed, and the Shelbys are making all this extra money, and we don’t have a penny to show for it.”

Phillips pointed to the Shelbys’ recent vacation to Fort Lauderdale as an example of the new regime of corporate largesse that has overtaken Sunshine Doughnuts. According to Phillips, the Shelbys all flew first class across country on the trip, and when the airline lost their luggage, every member of the family bought a new wardrobe rather than waiting one day for the luggage to arrive. He claims to have obtained this information by following Tom’s wife Dana on Twitter, where she posted updates and pictures from the vacation.

Tom Shelby was evasive when questioned about his company’s conflicts with its fledgling union. “Has Darren been watching Michael Moore movies again? Every so often, he gets an idea in his head from something he saw on TV and starts thinking he’s some revolutionary. He’s like one of those Sarah Palin activists who talks about her fresh views and knows three catchphrases, but literally understands nothing about politics, except he’s the idiot who stumbled into being a liberal,” Shelby explained in a half-hearted attempt to excuse his own greed. “The thing about our vacation is totally bogus. Dana got upgraded to first class because the airline lost our luggage; we didn’t have to pay for it. And we didn’t buy a new wardrobe, we just got T-shirts from one of those cheap souvenir shops to wear until the airline got our luggage back,” was the only pathetic excuse the green-eyed devil could marshal in his favor. He went on to say, “I think we have literally made about $30 off of the increased price on day-olds. He needs to calm down.”

[RIGHT- Local protesters stand in solidarity with the oppressed working class of the Sunshine Doughnuts empire. Police were called to use tear gas to pacify the lynch mob.]

The possibility of calming down seems slim with the fiery rhetoric coming out of the union camp. Phillips has enlisted prominent Denver labor attorney Jerry Jackson to represent the Sunshine workers in negotiations, which have yet to be scheduled. “I don’t care what Shelby does as long as cuts the check, but until he cuts the check, I don’t want to hear his excuses,” Jackson told reporters at a press conference Monday. “There’s three things in the world that we care about right now, and they’re cash, credit, and checks. We speak the language of the dollar, and we are fed up management’s avarice and selfishness.”

While the labor movement has a strong moral basis for their position, they must be careful not to antagonize the business tycoons into compromising their product with replacement bakers. Further complicating matters is the fact that the labor group is seeking what they call a fair share of future profits from probable sales through a possible Sunshine Doughnuts online ordering feature. They claim that online orders will exponentially increase profits by allowing groups to pre-order breakfasts and snacks, and that the revenue should be distributed to those who have worked on the baked goods. On the other hand, Shelby points out that the website has not even been completed, and any profit calculation would be highly speculative, so much so that the contractual terms would almost certainly be too vague to enforce.

One factor to take into consideration in the doughnut imbroglio is the effect of outside pressures on ownership. National opinion polls show 2:1 support for the Sunshine Doughnuts employees, and a hard-line approach to negotiations could cost Shelby his company’s good reputation. Phillips ended his press conference by quoting Golden Globe winner Jeff Bridges from his award-winning educational exposition of the Hyundai Assurance program by saying, “Remember, the economy has not truly gotten better for any of us, until it has gotten better for all of us.”

I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am, David Copperfield

By Lacey Carroll

To read more about Lacey Carroll, read the article here.

KENNEWICK- Let me begin by saying that I am no saint. Just like everyone else, I have made mistakes in my life, and I like to think that I have learned from them as I move forward. But just because I have transgressions in my past, that doesn’t mean that you can do with me whatever your depraved heart desires, Mr. David Copperfield.

First, let me lay it all out on the table so you don’t accuse me of trying to mislead you. Yes, I am a stripper. I work at a nightclub called The Candy Shoppe in Eastern Washington. You may have been able to deduce my profession from the fact that my name is an adjective followed by a noun- that’s usually a dead giveaway. You may have also got the hint that I was not prudish when you came to my strip club and slipped several $20 bills in my g-string while I grinded my ass into your crotch to the beat of Pour Some Sugar On Me. Six of one, half dozen of the other- bottom line is that I don’t have a problem using my sexuality to my advantage.

[RIGHT- Your wiles won't work on me, you sexy, sexy man!]

I should also probably let you know about my previous arrest for alleged (ALLEGED!) extortion and prostitution attempts in Bellevue, Washington. This guy says that we met at a bar, and when he took me back to his hotel room, I whispered into his ear “You can have it all for $2,000,” and when he declined I ran out of the room and he called the police. My story is that he roofied me, and when I awoke, he was on top of me, I squirmed out from under him and accused him of rape. No matter that I dropped the charges as soon as he documented the events and threatened a counter-suit. It’s a classic case of he said/she said. And on the advice of my lawyer and a binding non-disclosure agreement, I will not be telling you the “she said” side of that equation.

But I digress, David Copperfield. The past is behind us. When we met at that seedy strip club in rural Washington and you paid me hundreds of dollars to simulate sex acts in a dark room, I thought we were just friends. When you offered to whisk me away to your $50 million private island in the Bahamas for a week, I thought it was another generous, friendly gesture. How was I supposed to know that you expected me to engage in unlawful carnal knowledge? I don’t know what I did to lead you on, but let me be clear that at no point during my explicitly sexual dance or my acceptance of your offer to spend time secluded together, half-naked on an deserted island did I mean to make you think that I was interested in having sex with you.

I came to this island because I thought it would be a fun getaway, not for some depraved sexual romp. I don’t live in the world’s most exotic locale, so when I was invited to the Caribbean, my imagination went wild with thoughts of beaches, snorkeling, fresh seafood, and tropical music. To think that you had sex on your mind the whole time is appalling and disgusting. Just because you paid thousands of dollars to fly me here and house me on the island for a week, that does not entitle you to my holy trinity. Oh, you’re not familiar with that term? Use your imagination.

By the way, how does a fruity magician make enough money to buy a $50 million island in the Bahamas. I mean, I was at your show in Kennewick, and these aren’t exactly the halcyon days of HBO specials and sold out stadiums. Don’t try to deny your way out of this decline. I have been around the block enough times to hear Andrew Dice Clay claim that he’s glad that he’s now playing to his “core audience,” and the lead singer from Warrant justifying his shrinking audience by saying that he prefers the “intimacy of a club setting” over the five figure ticket revenues of giant arenas. Let’s face it, I saw the sweat stains on that gay puffy shirt that you wear on stage, and they were dry enough that they had been there for a few shows. Can’t pay the dry cleaning bills? Then you’re going to have a hell of a time paying your settlement for the rape charges I’m about to file against you. Listen, I really need you to be honest about your financial situation. If there’s a lien on this property, I need to know before I invest in a lawyer to sue you for everything you’re worth.

I will spell it out for you very clearly: you’re going to need to summon all of your magical powers to make these charges disappear. Your curly mullet is not going to save you this time, Mr. Copperfield. I am going to sue you for everything you are worth, and you are going to pay me a hefty settlement to prevent people from permanently associating the world “Copperfield” with “rape” instead of their current association, “nerdy, gay magician.” Just don’t bring the charges to trial, because any jury will realize that I am completely full of crap and have dedicated my life to using my body to extort money out of men. Oops, did I say that out loud just now?

Authorities Begin Manhunt After Earthquake Rocks Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE- Local authorities and international aid workers are responding to one of the most profound natural disasters in Haiti’s history. The island nation felt the Earthquake’s impact on Tuesday, which measured at a whopping 7.0 on the Richter scale. In response, the nation’s law enforcement officials have put out an all points bulletin for John “Earthquake” Tenta, the man they believe is responsible for this national tragedy.

The Earthquake’s effects have been catastrophic- over 100,000 Haitians are estimated to be dead, and many landmark buildings- such as the Port-Au-Prince Cathedral and the National Assembly Building- lay in ruins. President Obama has pledged the full support of the United States in the recovery effort. “It is of the utmost importance that the international community remains steadfast in response to this tragedy. It is also important that Haiti is careful to avoid any aftershocks, as Tenta is known to deliver his Earthquake Splash finisher even after the referee has made the three count. If any Haitians see Tenta jumping in circles around the ring or flinging himself wildly off the ropes, it is crucial that they seek shelter immediately.”

[RIGHT- The Earthquake strikes again.]

Many were surprised that the Earthquake struck Haiti, which is known to have problems with tropical storms and hurricanes far more than earthquakes. Seismologists, on the other hand, have pointed out that Haiti lies close to a fault line, making it a prime target for international criminals like Tenta. Experts were also surprised to see Tenta resurface after such a long period of dormancy. He had not delivered an Earthquake Splash since March of 1994, when he rocked New York’s Madison Square Garden. Tenta also briefly dabbled in Avalanches, but that gimmick was dropped quickly in a contract dispute between WCW and the WWF.

After Tenta inflicted a tragedy of such great magnitude, his former manager and friend, “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart held a press conference, pleading with Tenta to come clean. “I know that you’re the most indestructible and unstoppable force in the world, baby, but you can’t go around destroying entire nations. Baby, it was one thing to drape a Canadian flag on the All-American Hulk Hogan after the Earthquake struck him, but now you’re killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people, baby! Everybody out there needs to be careful, baby, cuz that big Earthquake is out there, baby, and he’s lookin for the chance to deliver the Earthquake on the Richter scale of 10.”

[LEFT- Hart tries to prevent a natural disaster.]

Authorities have put out a warning to be on the lookout for Tenta, who may be using an alias, possibly either The Shark or Golga. It is also possible that he has return to Japan to shake the earth where he once trained as a sumo wrestler known as Kototenzan, or “the heavenly mountain harp.” Regardless, Tenta should be easy to spot, as he is 6’7” tall, weighs approximately 475 pounds, keeps a gnarled beard, and has a giant tattoo of a Tiger on his left biceps that looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. Furthermore, he has a tendency to jump up and down in place while speaking. There have also been alleged sightings of a man wearing a leather mask that looks like a carved up volleyball and carrying an Eric Cartman doll, which could be Tenta, disguised as Golga the oddity.

[RIGHT- Earthquake disguised as Golga.]

The Earthquake was at his peak in the early 1990s. His period of peak destruction included a 1990 Earthquake in Iran that killed 50,000 and injured 100,000 more, a 1990 Earthquake on Hulk Hogan during the Brother Love Show that cracked the immortal one’s ribs, an Earthquake in India in 1993 that killed as many as 22,000, and a 1992 Earthquake that was paired with a Typhoon that beat the Legion of Doom for the Tag Team Titles. Luckily, the Earthquake is not invincible. Citizens of Haiti should know that he is susceptible to Yokozuna’s Bonzai drop, as well as the Giant’s chokeslam, so even in this dark time for the world, hope should remain alive.

Running Up The Score Is OK In Women’s Sports

By Nancy Lieberman

DURHAM- In a recent women’s college basketball game, Duke beat North Carolina Central 117-28. If you are a sports fan, you probably assume Duke head coach Joanne McCallie took a beating in the media and from the opposing coach for refusing to call off her players after the win was securely in hand. After all, we constantly hear the story about amateur athletes at small colleges who go into the hallowed stadiums and arenas of dynastic state schools to take a beating in exchange for their share of the gate receipts. The professionals- and by that I mean coaches, not USC’s entire recruiting class- have an understanding that they won’t embarrass one another.

So did the Duke women’s basketball team get chastised in the media the way that Steve Spurrier did when his Florida Gators would dominate other football teams and keep throwing in the fourth quarter? Of course not- running up the score is perfectly acceptable in women’s sports. Is that because it doesn’t hurt female athletes’ feelings as much as males’ feelings? As a woman, I can assure you that this is NOT the case.

Thus, the question remains unresolved as to why it’s acceptable to run up the score in women’s sports. There’s one possible and very simple explanation- that it’s sportsMANship and not sportsLADYship, so the rules of fair play would not apply in their games. Of course, such a rhetorical examination opens up a hopeless can of worms. What do you call the keystone defender on a softball team- a secondbasewoman? Far too clumsy. Is the key reserve on a women’s basketball team the sixth female? That sounds more like a bad science fiction movie than instant offense. I have never heard Bill Raftery excitedly announce that Stanford came out “in the womantawoman!” Therefore, I am going to assume that women run up the score for some reason other than the fact that sportsmanship is a gendered noun.

[LEFT- Candace Parker has been perfecting her deadly set shot since her days at Tennessee.]

Since I was having trouble pinpointing the reason for why women like to embarrass each other, I consulted the experts. I called Connecticut coaching legend Geno Auriemma to get his input as a frequent curb-stomper, but his assistant said he had an appointment with former Huskies players Rebecca Lobo, Sue Bird, and Diana Tuarasi. By hook-up, I am going to assume that she meant booty-call, because everybody knows that Auriemma sleeps with all of his current and former players. Why a man hell-bent on exploiting his position of power to coerce young women into having sex with him would work in a sport where 80% of the participants are lesbians remains a mystery to me, but I digress. When I was unable to get in touch with Auriemma, I called Hall of Fame Tennessee coach Pat Summit. Summit said that one reason women’s teams are not afraid to run up the score is that they do not have to fear retribution down the road since the exact same teams are good every year. Since there is no turnover whatsoever in women’s basketball, it’s not like Tennessee, UConn or Duke are ever going to be on the receiving end of one of those 80 point beatings.

Summit’s explanation got me thinking about the fundamental differences between men’s and women’s basketball. Primarily, the level of athleticism changes the game entirely. In men’s basketball, if one team is getting embarrassed, one of its players could lash out at the other team and unleash a hellacious dunk on the dominant team where he jumps so high that he puts his balls in the defender’s face. In women’s basketball, you are more likely to find someone with balls than you are to find someone with the vertical to put those balls in a defender’s face. I hate to say it, but there is something very unintimidating about a two-handed set shot. I have had many people tell me that the good fundamentals make up for the lack of athleticism, and there’s a word for those people: wrong.

[RIGHT- Vince Carter puts his balls in Frederick Weis' face. Pause. Lisa Leslie cannot jump high enough to put her balls in anyone's face.]

Maybe several factors contribute to why women enjoy running up the score against one another: the rules of sportsmanship do not apply, the downtrodden team will never have a chance at retribution, and the lack of athleticism means that nobody will ever be punished for going out of her way to make her opponent look bad. But one explanation trumps all of these- nobody cares. Think about it, the reason that you were not appalled that Duke beat North Carolina Central 117-28 has nothing to do with your opinion of Duke or North Carolina Central; you were not appalled that Duke beat North Carolina Central 117-28 because you did not know that Duke beat North Carolina Central 117-28. You would be outraged that a girls’ high school team in Minnesota pitched a shutout for an entire game against a hard-working but under-talented opponent… if you knew that it happened. An autistic kid chucks in four three-pointers in twelve attempts and he wins an ESPY, but women’s basketball teams win by triple digits and still nobody notices. So there you have it, nobody cares about running up the score in women’s sports because nobody cares about women’s sports.