Unabashed Disdain for Whitney Houston Temporarily Replaced by Faux-Reverence

By Gerald Holgerson

DALLAS- Whitney Houston, long regarded as one of the most talented but troubled musicians of the last half-century, experienced an unprecedented and unexpected spike in her popularity over the weekend. Industry experts, while shocked, were happy to see the diva getting her due, but this reporter remains skeptical as to why the world suddenly decided to sweep her drug problems under the rug to shower her with adoration.

Houston’s resurgence was especially prominent in social media, where the usual mocking and ridicule gave way to plaudits about her wonderful career. In recent weeks, data tracking services indicated that over 93% of references to Whitney Houston were either links to articles about her drug addiction or usage of her name in a metaphorical sense (ex: “The price of these blueberries is higher than Whitney Houston. LOL”). Over the weekend, these references were crowded out almost exclusively by plaudits about her wonderful voice and her positive influence on her fans’ lives. She was also mentioned as a “motivation” more than 400,000 times in 2 days on Facebook, presumably meaning something other than motivation to become a crack head.

[RIGHT: I don't care what anyone says, Whitney. This is how I choose to always remember you.]

Without releasing any new music or performing at any events, Houston also saw her popularity rise in individuals’ rankings of their favorite musicians. While many pop music fans had rated her as one of their five or ten favorites from the 80s and early 90s, Houston seized the number one spot on innumerable lists over the weekend. For example, Carrie Steenen of Kenosha, Wisconsin tweeted “Whitney I luv U. U were my 1st tape as a kid. U R my Fav!!” In the past three weeks, Steenen had also listed Bruno Mars, Madonna, and Jennifer Hudson as her favorite musician, but had made no reference to Houston.

Even the producers of the Grammys worked Houston into their show on Sunday night. The producers had to be especially careful to plan around the Houston powder keg in the wake of the Super Bowl Halftime Show fiasco in which M.I.A. offended no one by pointlessly flipping off the camera. As such, the Grammys producers agreed to respond to the popular outcry in favor of Houston by including several references and tributes to her throughout the show, but they did so only after receiving assurances that she would not personally be in attendance. The producers made this move because they feared that if Houston was shown briefly on camera, there was at least a 50/50 chance that she would be snorting or free basing cocaine, which would earn the network a hefty fine.

Possibly the most startling development in the nation’s sudden love affair with Whitney Houston has been the kid-glove treatment given by morning radio hosts. These hosts, who are normally known for being slightly zany and for gently pushing the boundaries of the PG ratings, have spoken in reverential tones about Houston. Few have even made the obvious jokes about her drug addiction, and if there is one thing radio morning hosts are known for, it is making obvious jokes. More on this story as it develops.

UPDATE: This just in- apparently, Whitney Houston is dead. That sort of explains why everyone was gushing over her for the last three days. I take full responsibility for printing this article not knowing that she was dead, although that still doesn’t explain why everyone is suddenly in love with her. If people had been this nice to her when she was alive instead of harassing her and rumor-mongering about her, maybe she would not have become addicted to drugs and died.

Swagger back at the U, felonies to follow

By Sharon Davis

MIAMI- The Miami Hurricanes football program was known for its brash cockiness during its run as the nation’s top program in the late 1980s and early 2000s. Each run was also accompanied by a rash of behavior that ranged from borderline illegal to downright depraved. Now, head coach Randy Shannon appears to have the U back on the winning track, and the highly immoral hedonism that has long characterized the program is sure to follow in short order.
[LEFT- Hurricane alum Michael Irvin poses for a picture that demonstrates how convenient it is that Miami wears bright orange jerseys.]

“It’s good to have the Canes back in the mix as one of the best football teams in the country,” said running back Graig Cooper, who rushed for 93 yards in last week’s 33-17 curb-stomping of #14 Georgia Tech. “I know the schedule starts out tough, but if we can get some wins under our belt, I think we could get as much media attention as any team in the country, and some of it might actually be for our play on the field.” Experts say that Cooper, a junior, has a good chance at making the All-Conference team if he continues his strong play, and an even better chance at facing charges for a sex crime before the Canes bowl game. Observers differ, however, as to whether Cooper is more likely to be found in possession of GHB or to expose himself to an underage female student at a house party. In either case, Cooper is sure to bring Miami the type of notoriety that has been conspicuously absent since the salad days of Michael Irvin’s crack pipe and Luther Campbell paying players for taking out opponents.



The Miami renaissance has been lead by Sophomore Jacory Harris, a gun-slinging quarterback who is part Vince Young, part Kanye West, and all basket case. Standing 6’4”, weighing 170 pounds, and hailing from south Florida, Harris has all the makings of a crack head, but his potential for odd behavior has proven to exceed that of the everyday drug addict. Donning stunna shades and asymmetrical lines shaved into the sides of his head as he enters practice, Harris exemplifies the 21st century direction of this bunch of Hurricanes miscreants. His publicist has already booked him to call in and interrupt Taylor Swift on a local morning radio show, and advisers have encouraged him to start posting incriminating messages on Twitter to raise his profile.

Some say that the Miami football program lends itself to lunacy due to the constant heat and humidity of the region; others argue that the pressure of playing for one of the most storied programs in the nation takes its toll on players and coaches alike. University President Donna Shalala has a different take on the situation.

“Honestly, the Hurricanes football program has such a strong history of antisocial behavior because we allow anarchy to reign unabated as long as it keeps the University’s name in the national news. Whereas other programs find new coaches, athletic directors, and even university presidents, we’re happy to maintain the status quo as long as we get money from the TV networks and free advertising on ESPN. Look at what happened in our game against Florida International a few years ago- the entire team started a brawl on the field; players were swinging helmets at each other; an announcer even celebrated the melee by saying that it exemplified Miami football. Did heads roll? Of course not. We didn’t even reprimand [head coach] Randy [Shannon]. In fact, Randy is something of a cash cow. As a black man, and one with such a dignified appearance, nobody is going to notice what a shit show he has been running for at least a year or two longer than they did when Larry Coker was the coach, that bug-eyed lunatic. I call it the Tommy Amaker syndrome.”

Shalala, the longtime Miami president is rumored to be angling for a Senate run in 2012. In Florida, it may work.

The trajectory of the Hurricanes season will be heavily impacted by the outcome of their next two games, both against ranked opponents. Next week, the Canes go on the road to face ACC rival Virginia Tech. The following week, preseason #3 Oklahoma comes to Miami in what may be Heisman hopeful QB Sam Bradford’s first game back from a shoulder injury. “Bradford might come in as a Heisman candidate,” said superstar defensive back Randy Phillips, a lock to see his NFL draft stock slip precipitously after failing a drug test at the combine, “but he damn sure ain’t leaving Miami has a Hesiman favorite, whether we intercept him three times, or re-injure that precious shoulder.” Phillips went on to say that his comments shouldn’t necessarily be interpreted as a threat that he would personally try to injure Bradford with a dirty hit after a play, but that he “wouldn’t rule out the possibility entirely.”