Precocious Eight Year-Old Crushed to Learn That Politics Are Fake

WILMINGTON- Local eight year-old Danny Louder was devastated this week when his father revealed to him that the political shows he watches on television are all scripted and that national politics on the whole are a contrived form of entertainment. Danny’s father, Stephen Louder, became concerned about his son’s emotional state when Danny became extremely sad following the Senate’s vote against expanded background checks for potential gun owners. Rather than seeing his son suffer, Stephen decided to inform him that his interest is not as “real” as it purports to be in order to help him put the events into context, but the revelation only made Danny more upset.

Above- Danny became sullen and withdrawn when he
learned that politics are not real. 

Danny’s interest in politics started when he was six and he saw his father watching debates about health care on CNN. He was instantly drawn in by the passion with which the politicians delivered their speeches, as well as the tradition and pageantry that made everything involved in politics seem so important. He quickly gravitated toward MSNBC, watching Rachel Maddow nearly every night and rooting for his favorite politicians: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Wilmington’s Congressional Representative John Carney, and Delaware native Joe Biden. He rode an emotional roller coaster through the debt ceiling debates, a possible government shutdown, and the eventual sequester, but he was never disappointed because his preferred Democrats could always claim some degree of victory in the end.

Politics, of course, are a billion-dollar entertainment industry designed to help fund the government and create an emotional investment in the idea of a nation and its government. The storylines are loosely based on real-world events, but the dramatic machinations are created by “speechwriters,” many of whom are Hollywood producers and screenwriters taking on other jobs. The industry is funded by various news outlets who pay for the right to broadcast the lucrative programming, as well as corporate sponsors who underwrite the events in exchange for the exposure that comes with it.

“Danny got very passionate about gun control after the Sandy Hook tragedy, probably because he could identify with the kids who were shot,” Stephen told reporters after revealing the truth about politics to his son. “I thought that it would be comforting for him to know that the politicians on TV were not actually betraying him or the families at Sandy Hook, that they were just playing a part, but it only made him more upset to find out that his idols were faking it. I remember when my dad told me that politics were fake after the Dan Quayle-Lloyd Bentsen debate. I had an inkling that their debate was scripted because nobody could come up with lines like that off the cuff. Now when I watch it, it seems so obviously fake and scripted, but I guess that can be pretty jarring to learn when you don’t expect it.”

Danny is not the first person to be surprised to learn that politics are not as genuine as they purport to be. Historically, the secret about politics’ scripted outcomes was guarded much more closely by those involved. Politicians would stay in character all the time and would never acknowledge that the results were predetermined. As recently as the 1980s, investigative reporter John Stassel did a behind-the-scenes report on politics, accusing Senator Tip O’Neill of being a phony. O’Neill responded angrily by subpoenaing Stassel before a Senate Sub-Committee on Ethics, questioning him for hours on end, and giving him numerous psychological injuries.

There are also those who understand that the results are predetermined, but refuse to believe that politics are truly fake. Famed pundit James Carville is one such true believer. He famously  grew emotional during a question and answer session with retired politicians at the Tennessee State Democratic Convention in 2006, saying, “I just want to thank each and every one of you all for all you have done to your reputations… It’s still real to me, damnit! Thank you guys. You’re awesome. Thank you so much for saying what had to be said.” While Carville was lampooned by many in the media, there are a number of politics fans who share his opinions about their chosen form of entertainment.

As for Danny, it remains to be seen whether he will keep up his interest in politics once he comes to grips with the fact that the results are scripted. Typically, fans drift in one of two directions when they come to that realization. Some fans gradually lose interest and are only brought back in moments of sentimentality or nostalgia. Others become even more interested, focusing on the meta-narrative of how and why political developments are scripted the way they are by the writers. These political junkies tend to spend a great deal of time on internet message boards complaining about how their favorite politicians never get enough attention and the leading candidates are all boring. 

Obama seeks new, “blacker” image

By Nicolas D. Brennan, Staff Writer

CHOCOLATE CITY- President Barack Obama, caught amidst sliding approval ratings and a divisive health care debate, has decided to sharpen his public image by reemphasizing his roots. Rather than allowing his opponents to deny his American citizenship or paint him as an indecisive leader, Obama has opted to America’s old white population, including the vast majority of the Senate, into submission. To do so, Obama has hired a new team of advisors, highlighted by new speechwriters Dong King and Chuck D.

President Obama said that the main goal behind his repackaged image was to get in touch with his roots in order to be as honest and transparent as possible with the American public. Obama was careful to clarify that by “roots,” he did not mean his roots in rural Kansas where his grandparents lived, his roots in Hawaii where he was born, his roots in an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia where he received his elementary education, or his roots in Kenya where his late father’s side of the family still resides. Instead, Obama was careful to clarify that he wanted to get in touch with a set of roots that he never personally experienced, but which “scare the shit out of white folk.”

Besides the political expediency of Obama’s mission, he claims that he had grown out of touch with the black community since reaching office. “I got a white guy cutting my hair, I meet with white guys all day, and even the Secret Service agents who play basketball are white, and they give me every call,” the President lamented. “Hell, I’m sneaking out of bed every night at 2 A.M. to talk to the night chef because he’s the only brother in the White House. We go out back and smoke cigarettes, drink some malt liquor, and I can finally hear about Starbury and Michael Jackson since I’m not allowed to talk about those things during the day.” Obama went on to say that he was still taking bids on the space, but it looked as if Popeye’s was going to beat out KFC to be the first fast food franchise inside the White House.

[RIGHT- Album cover for Obama's critically acclaimed followup to "The Audicity of Hope," "Black iz Bu-T-Ful," produced by Timaland.]

Obama’s image repackaging project started when he hired a new team of speechwriters led by Don King and Chuck D. At an introductory press conference, the former boxing promoter and media mogul explained the endeavor. “Obama has already unequivocally proven himself to be a majestic and awe inspiring personage on the tapestry of the American mind, body, and soul. The inclusion of two magnificent wordsmiths with a truly inspiration gift for communicating with all Americans, black, or white, or red, or blue, brown or yellow will elevate the occasion to stupefying heights. We will speak to the people, but also by the people and for the people in the public eye and the public mind. Obama will not lead us into the valley of darkness but onto the mountaintop of the brightest shining beacon of light. His beneficence will appall the enemies of…” At that point, Mr. King was forcibly removed from the podium in what could only be described as a mercy killing.

The transition has not proceeded without its bumps in the road. Obama himself had to edit a speech written by Mr. D, pointing out to the rap mogul that a nation of millions actually could hold us back in Afghanistan. Additionally, Obama reserved the power to veto Mr. D’s appointment of Flava Flav as the official White House hype man when Mr. Flav repeatedly interrupted Obama’s healthcare speech with screams of “Bloop boop, oop boop oop! Yea Boyeee!”

Obama’s new style was on display when he talked to reporters about the economy, particularly when he referred to the bank crisis as “neo-plantationistic” and called his own fed chief Ben Bernanke the “white devil.” In the past, Obama had faced criticism for shying away from discussions of race. Then, after Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested in what many called an act of unwarranted racial profiling, Obama’s condemnation caused a firestorm in the media. Now, Obama vows that his stance on race will never be ambiguous, and that “the man” is going to have to learn to cope with his fear of a black planet.

Other rumored appointments to the new-look administration include Press Secretary Katt Williams, drug czar Marion Berry, Secretary of the Interior George Clinton, and Secretary of Defense Richard Roundtree. Joe Biden will remain in his post as Vice-President.