Gary Sinise and the Disabled American Veterans

The following telephone conversation took place approximately six months ago between a spokesperson from the Disabled American Veterans organization and the agent for actor Gary Sinise, who famously played Lieutenant Dan in Robert Zemeckis’ 1994 film Forrest Gump. OMGTEHNEWZ obtained a transcript of the conversation from unnamed sources. The dialogue took place as follows:

Agent: Hello?

Disabled American Veterans spokesperson: Hello, is this the agent for Lieutenant Dan?

A: My name is Glenn Richardson. I run an agency called Celebrity Talent International. I represent Gary Sinise, who once played a character named Lieutenant Dan.

DAV: Perfect, then you’re just the man I wanted to talk to. You see, we’re interested in having Lieutenant Dan star in a fundraising commercial for our foundation that benefits veterans who were disabled in wars.

A: Yes, but you have to understand that Mr. Sinise is an actor and “Lieutenant Dan” was just a character he played in a movie.

DAV: You bet he’s a character! That’s why we want him to be the voice of our commercial. Of all the disabled veterans I have seen, he has by far the most charisma.

A: I don’t think you understand what I am saying. Lieutenant Dan is fictional. If you ask Gary Sinise to be in your commercial, he is not going to be exactly the same as Lieutenant Dan from the movie.

DAV: So what you’re telling me is that if we hire him, he won’t have greasy long hair and he won’t drunkenly wheel himself around the studio with hookers behind him?

Drunk Lieutenant Dan

A: Exactly, that was just part of the character.

DAV: Excellent! Because, you see, we were worried that it would disappoint some of the veterans if he showed up like that. We were hoping he would be more like the clean cut Lieutenant Dan with prosthetic legs from the end of the movie. Could we get him to look like that?

A: Well, I guess his hair is shorter now, but I think you’re still missing the point. Gary Sinise has done lots of other roles since he played Lieutenant Dan. He has been starring in CSI: New York for several years. Perhaps you have seen him in that show?

DAV: Now hold on one minute. You mean to tell me that you represent Lieutenant Dan AND the guy from CSI?

A: They are the same… Well, yes, I guess you could say that.

DAV: That’s incredible. So I am just thinking out loud now, but maybe we could include the guy from CSI in the commercial too. I am envisioning him saying something heartfelt about disabled veterans, and then slowly removing his sunglasses for effect. What do you think?

A: I think you are confused again. The guy with the sunglasses is David Caruso. He is in CSI: Miami. I do not represent him. I represent Gary Sinise, who is in CSI: New York, and played Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump.

Not Lieutenant Dan

DAV: No, I think you are the one who is confused. I am quite sure that the guy from CSI takes off his sunglasses for effect. But you’re saying that you only represent Lieutenant Dan.

A: No, CTI represents many famous people. For example, we represent Sidney Poitier, Andre Agassi, Gwen Stefani, and Guy Fieri.

DAV: You represent Guy Fieri? I heard that guy’s food is terrible. This conversation is over. Good day sir.

A: You don’t have to hire Guy Fi-

DAV: I said good day!

[Silence]

DAV: Are you still there?

A: Yes, but I don’t know why.

DAV: After thinking it over, I would still like to hire Lieutenant Dan, even if we can’t get the guy from CSI, but you can’t make me hire Guy Fieri for catering.

A: I suppose I can agree to those terms. Mr. Sinise, err, Lieutenant Dan’s fee for a commercial is $100,000. Are you able to pay that?

DAV: Will he be wearing his prosthetic legs?

A: No, the prosthetic legs were a movie prop. He does not actually have prosthetic legs.

DAV: How much extra would it take for him to amputate the legs so he could wear prosthetics in the commercial?

A: I highly doubt that Lieutenant Dan will be willing to amputate his legs for a commercial.

DAV: Will you at least ask him?

A: No, I will not ask him. Would you like me to fax over the paperwork for his appearance fee?

DAV: Fine. I will make the check payable to Lieutenant Dan.

A: Why don’t you make the check out to his accountant. His name is Sinese. S-i-n-i-s-e. First name Gary.

DAV: That works for me. The check will be in the mail.

A few months later, the following commercial hit the air.

Agassi: “I used Brooke Shields”

By Mark Santo

LAS VEGAS- Retired tennis star Andre Agassi’s upcoming memoirs contain some very interesting revelations about the world’s former #1 player, including the bombshell that he used actress and ex-wife Brooke Shields. According to tennis reporter Malavia Washington, who was issued an advance copy of the book, Agassi used Shields starting in early 1997, shortly after he won the gold medal at the Atlanta Olympics.

Agassi, winner of six grand slam championships, confirmed the story, calling his marriage to Shields, “a dark, dark time.” According to Agassi, his marriage to Shields was a hollow, loveless sham. “I began using Brooke in early 1997, and continued using for approximately two years. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I was under a lot of pressure at the time. I was the face of Canon’s ‘Image is Everything’ ad campaign, and I really wasn’t playing well enough to live up to my own image. I tried new training techniques and different coaches, but no matter what I did, I was stuck in satellite tournaments. That’s when I got depressed and desperate and started using Brooke.”

[RIGHT- Chris Atkins, using Shields years before Agassi started the habit.]

When asked how he chose Shields over other Hollywood starlets, Agassi explained that his choices were limited. “I would have gone after Lisa Marie Presley, but I guess I wasn’t crazy enough for her publicity stunt. So I started watching movies, looking for vulnerable former child stars. When I saw The Blue Lagoon, I was immediately hooked: not only was she incredibly hot, but she had the mental scars of basically having a sex scene in front of the entire country at age 14. It was a natural fit.”

The news first broke when Washington posted a note on his Twitter account after receiving an advance copy of the book for review. The Twitter message read, “agassi used brooke… 1997… after olympiks b4 win french… more details…” The message has since been deleted from Washington’s account.

When asked why the copy of the book was leaked now, Agassi said, “it’s for publicity for my new book. That reminds me, can I get a plug in? The book is called ‘Open: An Autobiography’ and it hits stores November 9th. And let me tell you, if you liked this juicy fact, there’s lots more in the book for you.”

Where does Federer rank among the all-time greats?

By Dick Enberg, NBC Sports

PARIS- Last weekend, Roger Federer won the French Open to complete the career Grand Slam and tie the record of 14 titles set by Pete Sampras. Even though Federer is still in the prime of his career, analysts have started trying to place his accomplishments in the historical context alongside the greatest tennis players of all time. And while no man can match Federer's resume, skill, and determination, his wife's ugliness prevents him from being considered the greatest of all time.

Before you start to think that Federer's wife's appearance has little bearing on his all-time ranking, it's important to understand just how ugly she really is. She ranks near the apex of all-time ugliest celebrity/athlete wives/girlfriends. She supposedly played professional women's tennis several years ago, but she probably didn't last long having to haul her fat ass around the court. She got started playing tennis on the suggestion of Martina Navratilova. In other words, she's the kind of woman that only lesbians find attractive.

[RIGHT- A photo of a woman who is better looking than Federer's wife. Unfortunately, she was unable to be photographed after NBC Sports lost 3 cameras and 2 good photographers attempting to do so.]

Ranking Federer historically has to start with a comparison to the other great players in the sport. Andre Agassi had that chick from Blue Lagoon (even though her hotness peaked at age 14), Jimmy Connors married a Playboy Playmate, and Sampras picked up Billy Madison's sloppy-seconds: Ms. Veronica Vaughn. Even today, she is one piece of ace...

To be certain, athletes are defined by who they hooked up with on the court. Federer-Nadal may rank up there with Connors-McEnroe or Sampras Agassi. But who you hook up with off the court matters, too, and Federer can't compete with the greats in terms of high class poon. In fact, Federer can't even compare with Eliot Spitzer. Perhaps he could take a lesson from the former New York Governor and use his power and prestige to coerce some starry-eyed ingénue into the sack.

Fellow professional tennis player Andy Roddick, who sucks, managed to get engaged to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. Roddick is hardly a god amongst men, but he certainly demonstrates that tennis players do not struggle with women in the way that Federer's relationship would suggest. The fact that Federer could only snag a triple-chinned she-beast calls his manliness into question. Combine that with his funny-looking warm-up blazers and his love of soccer, and we may have a Katie Holmes-esque public beard situation.

To illustrate Federer's missed opportunity, consider the most comparable athlete in another sport- Tiger Woods. Like Federer, Woods was a prodigy who dominated from the moment he turned pro. But rather than taking the path of least resistance and marrying a woman he “loved” and “trusted,” Tiger shot for the stars. Now he's married to a Swedish nanny/model. A Swedish fucking nanny. That accomplishment would make Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger envious. Tiger has 14 major victories; Federer has 14 Grand Slams. How can Federer be considered an all-time great when his direct contemporary has taken his reputation out to the proverbial woodshed and beaten it silly?

Moreover, Federer has never even sniffed the type of controversy it takes to raise to the level of super-stardom. In this day and age, you can't be a truly great athlete without a tragic vice. Ali was in the Nation of Islam and objected to Vietnam. Jordan gambled enough to make Johnny Chan think he had a gambling problem. Alex Rodriguez may be a baseball playing robot with poorly designed artificial human intelligence. Christiano Ronaldo spends his free time snorting blow off of strippers' nipples. Terrel Owens is a full grown man who behaves like a kindergartener on time out, and Kobe Bryant is an unapologetic rapist. How can Federer, with his squeaky clean image, compete with such flashy brilliance in the hearts of role model-seeking children worldwide?
[LEFT- Nadal costumed as his transvestite alter-ego, "Rafa."]

Some analysts have suggested that Rafael Nadal may someday surpass Federer's greatness, but the best looking woman he has slept with to date was Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. Then again, after Agassi turned out to be straight, all bets are off.